Day 13

As they say, there's usually a rainbow after a rain storm....or in yesterday's case a thunderstorm. Days like yesterday where I pulled out of the hospital and sat in traffic and not really caring about traffic because my soul was twisted by the things he told me. Part of the emotional process gets tormented even more by the physical process. The confinement to your bed. Your room, and these four walls.
He told me things I wish to never hear from either of my kids. He told me he will never put himself through this again, should this transplant not work. How do you selfishly reprocess this. How do you tell the child you love so much, that he has to keep fighting. How?
I sat there with my mask on, rubbing his legs, as gentle as ever. And cried with him.

Our nurse "Sara"-- who seriously will go down as the best one EVER...got down on her knees. She's super tall, and didn't need to, but did. To reason with him. To talk with him. To share the other grief amd stories she's watched and witnessed. He reminded him of just how far he's come. That the next few days will be better than the last. Yesterday marked three weeks here. Our team. Our unit. Our schedules. Our clothes. Our love. Our grief. We are all tired, but we keep on pushing for him. With him.
This morning I jammed here with hopes I'd be on standby for a colonoscopy they wanted to do because the diarrhea hadn't let up. They scheduled him and told him no water. No food. Just ice chips. His first doctor came in early. Korrie. She had a good heart to heart with him. Just the two of them. He shared his feelings. Fears. Frustrations. All of it. And she listened, and she schooled him. 100 Days post transplant is NO JOKE. He will be susceptible to many many things. Graft versus host disease can rear its head. Infections are probable. Fevers mean turn around and come back here.
Food is a delicate attribute in healing, yet can be deadly.

The second doctor made his way in soon, and caught Kris off guard by saying "no scope" looks like things are looking good, and counts are recovering enough.
We also went over the topics of steroids and why the emotional rollercoaster of emotions. Meds playing a huge role. Weaning off of pain meds, steroids, etc.
They have also started to wean him from TPN. (Nutrition) via IV.
They will monitor what and how much he's eating. He's weak. He's scared. And yet today...

Today a little rainbow landed here on room #6101 at The City Of HOPE.

Counts-
WBC 1.6
HGB 10.7
Platelets 100
Cr. .61

One of the hardest chapters of my life. But never harder than his.

Again, huge thank you to my friends. My family. The food, cards and love.
Nikki, I am wearing my shirt today....
And you know what? It brought my luck, faith and love here.

Because....

I AM a WARRIOR Mama!

Hear me roar!

Love and peace,

This Mama Warrior Lisa