Believing.

I found myself wide awake in the early hours of Friday morning.  A day I love so much, and yet I could hear dew drops falling before the city streets woke for a final day of the week.  I began fielding for calm. For prayer.  I dwell on things I have no control of, and yet I do.  At two in the morning I don't.  

My heart hurting from the violation of thievery against my son.  Someone breaking into a car he just finally paid off.  Working and saving and doing what a normal man at the age of 29 should do and not feeling well.  Each day he forges through. 

I've always been his biggest fan, and will go to ashes this way. 

When this monster broke into his car, prying the door open, digging through every single crevice of his car.  Taking everything out of his glove compartment.  His prescription glasses, new sunglasses (last pair was stolen from the Uber car they rode in-he's super forgetful #chemobrain), his wallet he's had for years that carried a gift card Bill bought him months before he got sick from West Marine-(why he hadn't used it, not sure-but this was the stinger for him, and pissed him off the most)- 

They gathered things from his car that really won't have value to them, but more of an inconvenience to another soul. 

Violations.

I prayed so hard. To fall back to sleep in peace.  To let go of painful things.  To let things go I have no control of.

He'll go through the process of replacing the things he worked for.  He's one to move forward pretty quick.  He shrugs it off as "oh well mom, probably some tweaker"- Meanwhile, I'm over here, like "motherfucker should pay" HA! Sorry 

Is it with age we tend to hoard pain, and violations?  It seems you get to a point in your life of mothering, working, loving, and doing for others that when things go sideways I tend to take more offense.  

Does it ease up later in life?  Do you ever look at elderly wonder how they remain so calm?

I had a sweet customer a few weeks ago come back and hand deliver flowers to me. 

Not a common gesture, this day and age. 

He stood chattin' with me for a bit.  One of the things that I will hold close for a long time...

He said "try not to worry about things...put it in your pocket til' tomorrow"-

Easier said than done.

The point of this story is with as much grief as we continue to suffer with, shall we hand it to a higher power?

Do I continue to wake each night in the most quietness time of day for the sake of sorting?

Praying for my babies. 

Praying for my lover.

Praying for peace and love between family.

I look around at other families and wonder about their stories.
Do they have it more together?
Should I not dwell as much?
Do I let the higher power take over and take care of him/them?

Families.

Just like a ragged coastline, they have flaws. 

We all do.

Broken and craggy.

Disgusted in humanity, and yet totally in awe with it.

We need one another.

We do.

One thing I know for sure is the word FAITH will pull us through.

Give it a try.

Mmmk Lisa?  Mmmk Lisa.

Faith.

Hope.

May you have a beautiful weekend...doing what you want to do.  Even if it's staying in your jammies all day.

Saturday....A story of its own.

Just enjoy it.

As for me and my soul, I'll cook.

Any recipes worth sharing?

Send it. 

Love,

This Protective Mama Lisa

My Personal Thoughts

My personal opinions and personal beliefs are shared in a humble way.  I speak the way my heart feels, and sometimes it may sway too far to one side.  Sometimes it sways to the other side.  On many topics. 

Social media fire storms spread faster than an actual fire. 

National Daughters Day?  By evening, everyone has posted their portraits.

National Dog Day? Boom.  Hundreds of pictures floating around. 

Don't get me wrong, I LOVE pictures of daughters, doggies, and donuts....

This recent movement of "Me Too", and highlighting the perverted crazy weird men AND women of this world...

YOU KNOW WHAT?

How about we teach our children when they're young to do the RIGHT thing. 

How about we teach our children when they're young that they do not have to hug uncle Frank.  OR Grandma Jane.  How about we teach Grandma Jane and Uncle Frank to ask permission, and take the shrug of no as a firm NO. 

Don't get me started on kisses. Ew.

If someone forced you to push aside your own feelings and share affection with a person you don't want to, how would you feel?  

I am a bird from the 70's, and let me tell you what my sister and I experienced as children.  There were lots of hugs, lots of weird men at our house, some sitting with shorts so short their junk would blast out of one side.  I can remember feeling a tad bit victimized.  I can remember our dads friend "Gary" slappin' my sister on the butt as she made her way past him one afternoon.

All of that behavior excused as "Crazy Gary"-

We can stop this pattern now.  With our kids.  With our babies. With our grandkids. 

With our nieces and nephews. 

They don't want a hug?  THAT'S OK!

They're shy when they walk in?  GOOD!

This teaches them as young children that being groped as an adult is a huge NO-NO. 

This MAY also help the flaunting type to slow their rope.  Maybe control the drinks and keep alert of where you are and who you're with.  Protect your friends.  Here's an idea, stay out of bedrooms behind closed doors!!  Bingo!

And so the saga continues.  Politics drag out the obvious.  The obvious drag out the drama.

The hashtags start flying.

Social media storm yields all the opinions. 

This is mine.

And it starts with us.  Parents.  Providers.  Teachers of things in life. 

TALK TO YOUR KIDS, PEOPLE! 

Talk about hugs.  Sex.  Kisses. Saying no to hugs.  Have a special code for things that are making them uncomfortable when they're little. 

Rape is real.  Sexual abuse is real.  Being drugged while out drinking and partying is real.

Teach them how to protect themselves and that speaking up is OK.  

YOUR BODY is YOUR body. 

No, is an okay word to use.  For anything.  Anytime.

We were made to be enjoyed.  We were made to be loved.  We were made to be welcomed.

Not abused.

But it's our right and job, to teach.  Teach em young friends.

Why do humans wait to bring out the dirt years later to expose someone just to fuck-em-up with shame.  Taught to speak up earlier?  Maybe that's a good idea in our teachings..?!

Know someone having a new baby?  Buy em' a book about this subject.

Know someone raising a new young baby girl or boy?  Share the tips of saying "no" to hugs they don't want to give.

Be the example this world needs.

I'm still shaking my head at the outfits my daughter walks into the room wearing some days.  

Trust me, the lacey bralette under her blouse showing all of the above is unsettling.  I pick my battles. 

Lately, this isn't one.  

Thanks for reading my rant. 

We aren't gonna always agree.  And we will not always like each other.  That's the good thing about the little X on the top right of this page.  You can always leave.  Trust me, sometimes I don't like myself.  And THAT'S OKAY.  HUMAN NATURE. MISTAKES.

HURTFUL WORDS. HURTFUL THOUGHTS.

PAIN INSIDE OF ME. PAIN INSIDE OF YOU. 

We're human.

And I speak MY truth. My feelings.

With love,

Always with love.

This Mama Lisa

Please excuse me while I help my oldest bird file allll the necessary things to get back the things that were stolen from his car last night in Long Beach on Colorado (note to those living near by)-

Douche bag thieves still walk the streets day-in and day-out.  

He's one dude I wish the bad energy would just stay-the-fuck-away-from.

Cheers?!

Cheers....

Raise your hand if you have a full moon hangover....

*hand raised

xo

FriYAAAYYY!

Let's do this.  One more long day, just thankful to be alive. And able. 

YOU Are.

YOU ARE CAPABLE.

YOU ARE LOVABLE.

YOU ARE WORTHY.

Thought you could use this reminder today. 

Keep swimming.

And lovin'...

Chin up playas.

Leese

Little Sweet Pea

Her energy, and her appreciation for our country at such a young age. 

Amazing. 

Malea Emma

Little nugget filled with such talent. 

I love to post things for family members that don't follow any sort of social media.

You're welcome. 

Dad?

Mom?

Bueller?

You all lovin' this cooler weather?

I was diggin' in my drawers for socks this morning.  On top of that I layered a long sleeve over my tank top jammies, with long jammie pants and nothing matched.  One big layer fest.

I walked past a mirror and chuckled.

Pretty lucky to have warm clothes.

Even if they don't match.

Don't get me started on my grannie panties. 

xo


Lisa Lynn

If You See Something Beautiful....

Corey got married Labor Day Weekend.  

If I told you the truth about my worries you'd punch me in the face. Same shit, different month. 

Lisa's a living walking worry wart anxiety riddled freak.  We know this, kids. 

Back when he asked Kris to be in his wedding, I truly pleaded with God to allow the day to happen. 

I secretly have this check list of things I want my kids to experience.

You know the chapters in this life.  What we want them to see and do.

And be a part of. 

Kris was coming off a bad flu again.  But he was there.

Big camera in hand. His dimple filled smile. 

His bony knees, and silly attitude. 

Fist bumps for those he doesn't know that well.

Hugs and BIGGER hugs for those he does.

God is good. 

Sometimes He scares me, but He is so so good. 

He lost 7 pounds this last round of sickness.  But this last weekend his body filled itself back up again. With energy.  With something I can't explain. I can only feel.  Our morning chats change daily. And even though this gloomy Monday was a typical groggy Monday....

It was so so beautiful to share his weekend of good times. 

At a concert. 

Gardening.

Visiting his favorite nursery close by.  A place where the old man is really kind to him. 

These days fill my heart.

Kris is drawn to kind humans.

And he dishes it right back.

We have succulents and cactus' to fill a desert, I'll just say that much.

Makes him happy? Makes ME happy. 

It's like a warm blanket on a cold day.  

It's the Mercy I begged for. 

It's all a miracle, really.

We never know what tomorrow will bring. 

But if we can love on those we have today.

Do it. 

And so.....

Little fact: Their photographer arrived a little late.  She was a tad bit offended when she saw Kris' big camera out.  But then he caught this.

And it was one of her favorites....

See something BEAUTIFUL?  Say it.
Catch it.
Show it.

If you receive something beautiful.......(Kaitlyn and Kevin in Hawaii September 2018)

You tell that family. You tell that best friend of yours just how beautiful they are.  If we can all give one big round of applaud to Bert whom has worked his ass off with NutriSystem to look this way. To feel good. To be here. To do this.

High Five BERT! 

You all look amazing. 

We're sitting ducks under the full moon tonight and tomorrow....

So be pleasant. 

Hide.

Or seek kind people. 

Be peaceful in your spicy thoughts.  Let the little things go, and pray for the big scary things.

Pray for good health.  For nice people.

Most of all, 

love.

Compliment those serving you.  You NEVER know what someone is battling.

Happy Monday.  Some weren't lucky enough to wake up and have an able body to do move.

To live. 

Some had to take on news they never ever thought they'd hear. 

Having a tough day?

Pray.

Hard.

See something beautiful?  Speak it. 

This Mama Lisa

Changing Seasons For Reasons.

Last week I deleted my Facebook. 

Things I will miss:

Be The Match friends I've met.
Graft Versus Host Support Groups
Cute family outings of those I love.
Engagements.
Weddings.
Travel pictures of family and bestfriends.
Goals set, and met.
Achievements.
Healing bodies riddled with cancer.
Good advice from other families in the fight.
Good health care tips and help.

Things I will not miss:

Childish drama.
Fishers of approval.

Warning: Unsolicited advice:

Facebook isn't a place for therapy. *shocker*.  It's a place for fun moments.  Good times, through happy advice, or suggestions of places to visit. It's a place to find support groups that suffer from possibly the same disease you or your family members suffers from.  It's a place to share love, life, new opportunities and little side job willingness (Blake-your pet sitter idea is bom.com-we will be calling you) and goodness. Not politics, family drama, or child rearing suggestions.
That's your deal.
For your family.
Remember, build em up, don't tear em down. 

For now, I'll stick with Instagram.  

I'll stick with the portal of trying to "nail" the art of a good selfie.  HA!

Something I have NEVER been able to achieve.  

I can't take a selfie to save my life.

It's embarrassing to share how many times I've tried.
Let's not get started on how hard I laugh while doing so.
Like, pee your pants laugh.

All the LOLZZZZZZ-  This is everything.  The hair. The nose. The lips. The wtf.

Okay, I'm off my soap-box.  

For those that sent me a text or email this week asking if everything is "ok"-

I am fine...just forging through like I always do.
With the help of good friends, an amazing soul mate, two great kids, and some animals in the mix...all good-

Just the normal anxiety I suffer from.
Nothing new, and nothing old.
This is our new life.
And I am tough enough to stand up against it.
Praying works for me.

I pray like a warrior at 2am.

FIVE THINGS YOU WILL NEVER RECOVER IN LIFE:

1. A stone after it's thrown. 

2. A word after it's said.

3. An occasion after it's missed.

4. Time after it's gone. 

5. Trust after it's lost. 

"Give God your weaknesses and He'll give you His strength"

For those that are walking in the land of pain, just be kind. Remember, hurt people, hurt people. They'll never change. 
And so in the midst of your anguish, sometimes the most you can give out is a smile.  Or even better....Kindness!

Lisa Lynn

Nifty Love

I am revisiting the task of clearing more space now that Kris and Kali are back under the same roof.  6 years later.  And 17 years of a house filled with all the things a sentimental mom saved, it's starting to bust at the seams.  First off, Kris has a thing for shoes. You'd think it'd be me, but I am good with my basics.  And nothing more.  Both kids, including myself, have the natural tendency to keep hold of the little things we feel most attached to.  

As for me, I have saved ALL. THEIR. CHILDHOOD. THINGS. 

From bibs, to spoons, to rattles, to, you-name-it.  The one thing I've held close are their books.  From my journey through nursing, to the joy I felt while reading to Kris.  Those things made me proud to be a mama. Poor Kali missed out on the nightly, mid-day reading because I worked full-time, and that little girl was lucky if I remembered to lay out her clothes for the next day.  

Kris and Kali have so many children books.  Some I want to keep.  Others I feel should move on.

How cute is this book donation house....

From leaving one behind, or just the thoughtful kindness in giving to others of something that gave you much happiness. 

Books. 

Kris was always a big reader.  Still is.  Although now he's lucky enough to sit on his laptop. 

He's an intellectual listener and thinker.  He's deep in thoughts. 

He was the boy that would ask how deep the ocean is.  Or how cold the bottom of the lake may be. 

Kali, she's the compliant one.  The early bird.  The one on task. The one to do the right thing. For those around her, and for herself. 

She's punctual to the core.  

Wish me luck in building, or finding a way to donate "some" of our old books. 

We've got plenty!

I hope you all had a peaceful weekend.  I cooked (Eggplant Parmesan).  I visited a little birthday party for "Brody" whom turned 2.  He was a happy little clam just steering the wheels of Renee's boat. 

The simple things in this life. 

Books.

Anchor dropped, sitting behind the wheel with his little chubby toddler hands.

Naples Bay- September 15, 2018- Happy Birthday Brody!

(Kris always attracts little kids.  Maybe he gets it from his mama- This little boy "James" was filled with questions for Kris.  From sharks, to fish, to boats. Kris filled his ears with stories.  Making sure to polish him of love for the of ocean life.  Sharks are okay, just respect them- Showing him videos and recounting a couple neat experiences of his own- Those two little guys were surely in good hands on this beautiful Saturday afternoon)

Life.

Sunsets.

Salt water.

And friends. 

May you all have a healthy, love filled week.  

Be kind.  

Peace be with you....

This Mama Lisa

I Know.

"I know this world can be a little much at times, and it wears you down as it clouds your mind, but even here you are free to let go of those things, and merely be. You do not have to sort through everything. You are free to let go and trust in this space. You are free to believe: Even after a thousand nights that all felt the same, mercy is still on the horizon. And it WILL bring a new day". 

Faith

Love

Patience
Prayer

Truth.

Will always prevail.

Healing.

Heart.

Body.

Soul.




Lisa 

I wish you all a good weekend.  Reflect on your purpose.

Just be nice.

One Of My Bookends.

Shelley celebrated her 25th birthday last Saturday.  Not twenty five, but ya know, close enough. This girl has taught me a thing or two about life.  She was one that grabbed me by the neck one day after weeping and made me promise to put my mask on for oxygen before others.  Some days, I forget this tactic, and then a light goes off, and I think..."Lisa, you first".  And it's because of Shelley.

She's the one in the group that will waltz into Mothers Tavern with me and stand in a corner just to listen to live good ol' rock and roll.  Sometimes we can just catch eyes and laugh at our surroundings.

She's the one that will text me the morning of labs with prayers just before.  She is the positive reinforcement when I fall to the negative side.  

She's the one that showed up at the hospital during those first weeks when I pushed EVERY one back because I just couldn't deal. She made me step outside and sit next to roses in the rose garden.  The very roses I am in love with to this day. 

She accepted so many no's when I wanted to say yes but was just overwhelmed.  And then later as the days turned into weeks and months and healing became more of our subject versus the other side.  She was there.

Our daughters are best friends, and the rhythm of our friendship falls into place more times than not because of them.  #laborday #notourparty 

I think wholeheartedly that friendship and sisterhood in friendship is what keeps us going.  More times than not I catch myself leaning on them for support.  Whether it was about raising teen girls, to a young adults finding their way after college, or lab results that seem wonky. 

Sometimes its the lifestyle of working women who get to exhale when the time is right midweek for dinner.  

She brings life to this world.  She's a midwife. 

Stories of bringing life into the world always captivate me.

Most especially on a full moon night. 

She arrived at 7am in Tahoe to stand at the first finish line for Kali at her first Triathlon with flowers and champagne.  Just hearing Shelley's voice will resonate with Kali for the rest of her days.

She's always there.

Sandy, Donna, Jane, Can't remember her name, Edie, Anna-Maria, Esther, Birthday girl, Susie, Roxanne, Maria and me!  Sunday September 9, 2018--

Shelley, I hope you celebrate many more years on this earth.  I hope you feel love from all those you gather around.  You've made every single lady standing here in this picture feel special.

I thank you for your friendship. Love. And most of all, laughter.

Love you Shell Bell....

I am so grateful you've initiated all this love from one to the other throughout these years..

Friendship.

Sisterhood.

Commonground.

click click woop woop..

Leese

Fighting For All.

September is Blood Cancer month.  It saddens me a bit to have to acknowledge such a thing.
Wishing so many weren't effected by cancer. Honoring this month is more than the hard memories.  It's the journey and people we've met along the way.  From Jonathon (Rest In Peace honey), to Alex (so proud of your strength Ally), to all the nurses (Sara Irons, kick ass nurse with THEE BIGGEST heart in all the nursing land), to Jenny (almost 2 months post transplant, and super exhausted and in the fight, but kicking butt, and I'm so proud of you girl!--She asked me if it's normal to be so sleepy and out of it, and I just have to keep reminding her she's a newborn with no immune system) 

Rest In Peace Jon...You were such a fighter

Kris is fighting the fight every day post transplant.  Something that looks better on the outside is a fight every day, and like last night, all night.  That guy does not sleep.  He's up all night with stomach issues.  

Watching some lose the fight, when I have the chance to talk to Kris every day.  

Some do not get the chance.  

 First week after diagnosis 2015- Super duper stoned on Rick Simpson oils (the one and only thing that allowed him peace and an appetite)

Weeks before we jumped into the battle. That cross around Maria's neck. 

 4 weeks in at Kaiser.  Sweetest nurse.... 2015-  First time he felt sunshine in 4 weeks.  

Walking into City Of Hope with my warrior bag for the fight!  And FIGHT we did!

Piranha, here's your marrow! YOU LIFE SAVER!!!  #GERMANROOTS 

A week before coming home! 

First weeks home after transplant February 2016-  Hannah on his lap - Swoon....

I hope you all remember to count your blessings.  This life is fast.  It's hard. So so hard.  So when you're feeling sorry for yourself, remember the ones in this fight.  The ones that get up every single day and go to work even when they don't feel good.  Remember the mom that doesn't get to say hello or goodnight to her son because of this horrible disease.  

Let the petty stuff go....(hard for me, trust me....)

And just keep on swimming.  

Today is my 23rd  Anniversary at Gaylord's

Here I am 2 years in.  

You go girl. 

 All my love,

This Lisa Lynn

Mama Warrior For Life!

 Happy Birthday Rachel!  Can't wait to celebrate you.  Twenty Five is a beautiful number....It certainly looks good on you...xo