One of the things I never discussed on here during the hardest days of my life, is the troubled waters it causes at home. Most important, your love life. It's something you can't describe, yet if you've ever been through a crisis you know what I am talking about.
I don't know if I have to say this....but I was an asshole. At times. The sweet Lisa had a mind of her own, and nothing would stop her.
I drove in carpool more times than I should admit because traffic pissed me off. I barked at people trying to help me when I knew better.
I wouldn't return calls to my parents because I held lots of resentment- sorry, not sorry.
I would literally stare at rude customers complaining about a broken shock with pure disgust.
Your shock is broken, and my son is curled into a radiation ball- hmmmm. Reminder, you never know what someone is battling in life. Take a second to digest that.
Bill. There was so many times that dude would show up doing what he does best, to love me. And I would push back. There were times he couldn't do anything right. I felt so "talked out" when I would come home from the hospital. And yet, he'd sit across from me quiet, because he didn't want to probe. Or ask more questions I already answered. He had plenty too. As I was the voice between doctors and nurses to home.
He was running two companies, and I was lingering next to our son battling to stay alive.
There were many times we'd collapse into bed, and I would begin to cry. He'd roll over, hold me, and wipe my tears.
It isn't until now that I wonder, "what was he feeling too"-
I'd see him talking to vendors or friends giving his side of the story. How HE was feeling.
And yet, I would walk around in MAMA WARRIOR mode thinking of how terribly sad I was. ME.
OR....even worse, I'd bite his head off for things I would let go some days, while other days I'd chuckle with laughter getting myself through it.
I'd push friends back that just wanted to come and hang out with me. Or have dinner.
I had three places I would attend. The hospital. Work. Home.
There were times I would clam up, drive to and from. Working because I had to, and loving because I wanted to. But only to my boy. No one else.
I couldn't even love myself during these days. Sprinkle in shark week, and a full moon, and it was almost catastrophic.
My smile would fall into play when I arrived to City Of Hope to all those that cared for my son. I would help them help me. And him.
They say when someone goes through a crisis, they've wiped out some in their path. I can see it.
I can see how easily things can fall apart.
It's holding tight. To eachother. Its having friends and like me a neighbor that relentlessly left breakfast and dinner, every.single.day.
To help me.
This morning while getting ready I feel like a check list has been taken away from me and tossed in the trash.
Have you ever had something big and scary presented to you in life that you have to emotionally sort through it, and almost talk yourself through it? Like daily? Hourly?
Mine has been taken away. And that's okay.
I hope cancer is gone. I hope this biopsy will prove that our boy now has German blood, versus big birdie blood.
I hope that those chemo pills I tossed into water to dissolve them and pour them into dirt to rid them from our life is real. I always kept 10 for back up while he was taking them.
They are gone. This morning's little doing while I sipped coffee.
I hope that he can move on with life, and grow his beautiful hair back and live a full life, for years and years.
I made a hair appointment for this week.
I want to get a pedicure.
I need to buy more of my favorite lip gloss that is Wet & Wild and .99 cents, and I am currently toting mine around in a baggy. It broke, and is leaking. But....baggies save all. Bill did buy me red lipstick for Christmas, and I'd like should wear more of it, but.....
Ya. Red lipstick + Hospital = Freak.
Maybe this weekend. Valentines Day, when Bill's at the races.
Valentines Day + Bill at Races = Freak.
jk.
Well, not really....but don't worry kids, there's more to life than worrying about that.
Sunshine + Saturday = San Marcos...
A little time to exhale some more.
The sun shining on my cheeks making me believe that "every little thing is gonna be okay"
Or a little reminder of what my aunt and uncle told me years ago...
It's gonna be okay...
Because this life is worth fighting through.
Listen to this song.
How about those lyrics kids....
Happy Tuesday....Thank you for all the texts' and love. It's been forever real with you all.
Gone are the dark clouds that had me down.......
This Mama Lisa
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