We pulled away, both shaking nervously as we loaded my trunk. And back seat. Him pulling the wagon filled with the bed he laid in for over 30 days. We stuffed that therapeutic mattress into my trunk, pushing down hard one last time before slamming it shut. As I hopped back into the car, and put it into drive, we looked at eachother and the tears began to fall. He stayed on his phone, and soon looked at me, with his little side smile and said, "Mom, that was crazy"-
I know, Kris. I know.
We sat at the light pulling out to the street I am so familiar with, he not so much. To the freeway entrance we went. With the CD that Kali made for me before she left back to school. That playing, us darting onto that freeway, both crying. We couldn't talk. We just drove.
Away from a place that will give him a new start, a new life. We hope as they say, it all goes as planned.
We didn't peep a word, we just drove.
He was tortured for the last month. A way that is so good, and so bad. So so bad.
I can see why patients suffer from post traumatic syndromes from going through such a battle.
He was so frustrated as we were waiting on those last labs. As each planner made their way in and out, he finally fell back to sleep. Me, sitting at the end of the bed, just knowing his anxious feeling of wanting to get out of there. I couldn't blame him.
One bit.
We got home yesterday afternoon to a beautiful warm breezy day. I kept saying, it was the best day to come home. A fresh start. I look around at the trees with no leaves, and no flowers in bloom. Kind of like him.
He couldn't really settle into bed. He just made his way from room to room. After greeting Bucks and loving on him. He began to talk food. His favorite "Egg in a basket" which is just an egg cooked in the middle of white bread slathered in butter. Only now, we cook that egg and every detail in cooking, is bacteria respected.
I made a batch of enchiladas as Jen and I sipped wine. Recapping the last month. Our travels. Life watching him. So many things he's forgotten--hellllllllo chemo brain---
We laughed as we reminded him of certain details. He'd laugh with us.
I sorted 17 prescriptions into a separate little container. Monday-Friday, morning...noon and night.
Highlighting each one, because these life saving meds are no joke. My responsibility of taking care of him is on key. One that even as a parent. You sit and sort meds, and jot down Triage Centers number like a boss.
You remind him of changing each towel before showering, and making sure he uses his own toothpaste.
Changing toothbrushes every other day. Linens, clothes, exposed drinks too long, washing hands, not rubbing his eyes. Careful in handling animals. Dust.
He knows.
We have wipies on every little corner.
We tucked away early last night. As I made my way into bed, and collapsed onto my pillow. I thanked God. For this chance.
Day 22 ended. And just like his counts, the spirit crept back up.
We have a journey ahead of us. One that will always tap on my shoulder to NOT take things, and life for granted. I've never been a material girl. For those that know me, I love to love. I want to enjoy the LITTLE things in life. I want peace. And I want my kids happy. And well.
Forever, we are tainted. And that's a bummer. But as they say, maybe the strong are handed shit in a jar to get and or stay stronger...?
Not sure.
But I am a warrior mama, and I will not back down.
Until my last breath.
City Of Hope will indefinitely see more of us. It is just what we know is a fact. Sara, our favorite nurse walked out with us yesterday. Offering to snap a picture. Or two.
Ironic I'd say how we'd end that journey with such an amazing soul. An amazing nurse that offers so much love.
Ironic how she'd snap that picture of us. Both jittery. Both starting to cry.
She was there.
And her last words to me-
You are amazing, and an amazing Mama.
In reality, deep down, I thought.....
You. You, Sara....are an amazing nurse.
I hope you all have an amazing beautiful weekend.
January 4th-2016
Enjoy life. For one phone call. One small thing can flip your world upside down.
February 4, 2016
Big love you guys....and thank you for all the support.
Erica.....my belly, our belly, my soul will forever be in debt to you for taking care of me on this wild journey.
Thank you sister. Thank you.
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