The Answers You Want.

I mentioned to you all about how nervous I was looking through the many cancer pamphlets left on his bedside.  I literally would take them in my hand.  Roll them up.  Flatten them out.  And slide them right along with the other medical paperwork that had his medical record and his sweet little name I gave him. Kristopher.
Except I kept wanting those pamphlets to not belong to him.  His mama didn't need to read them.
Any minute a doctor would walk in and tell us that an infection was strolling through his body.

Wrong.

Those pamphlets have made their way to my desk top. Along with more research online. I only go to reliable resources, because I can't look through pictures of stories that show people who didn't make it.
Like on instagram when people hashtag his condition and you see....hard hard stuff.  It makes my tummy instantly want to empty.  So I don't go there.
Right now? I am researching the latest findings.  The best doctors, and trials that have proven to save my 26 year old dude.  I want to make sure he can produce grandbabies for me.  I want him to enjoy the long life he deserves.  To look back on this one day with one big head shake. I want him to continue to be successful.
To love and be loved.

We know Kali isn't a match.  Tomorrow we meet with the Stem Cell Transplant Team on Sunset Kaiser.
The place where all the heads of hematology and oncology meet.  It's the place where his original marrow biopsy was filtered through. Where someone labeled a little vile, soon reporting to Dr. Chen. Its the place that doctors go to and from City of Hope.

Tomorrow we go there for answers.  And questions.  Lots of questions. 
Just me and my Bub.  Traveling in the grind of traffic through LA.  None of that matters. Just sitting next to him. Looking for his little dimple and silly ways.  His Mama. Mama Bird.  Mama Bird that wakes up all night every night and still operates on adrenaline because I am a skeptic.  With Cancer.  I see all the F Cancer around me in stickers, hats and shirts.  It makes me sad actually.  Why can't we find a cure.  Why does it come after the good?  Why do I pass tweekers on the streets, or child abusers, and animal abusers come on the tv free from this horrific disease.  Why?

I'm just looking for answers. Tomorrow.

To my friends that I hold close to. Thank you.  Even if our wino days have ceased for me lately.  I love you.

Family, you are my rock.  Even when I can't talk because my lip quivers and you can't stand to see your mom cry. Or when I'm snappy because you want a back pack and I am researching something or trying to keep a company surviving.  I love you.

I am Mama Warrior.

"Trails are what made me strong.  My imperfections make me who I am. My friends are why I act the way I do. My family is what keeps me going in life. I live for myself, and my children. Being this way gives me my strength to go on to tomorrow"

Pray for our trip tomorrow and for some assuring answers.



Mama Warrior Lisa