Just Another Day.

This morning turned out to be just like all the rest. Like a little slice of groggy normalcy.

Except for this one started at 5am with Kali packing her car to head back to San Marcos.

I made her favorite salad, and packed all little yummies a mama does for a trip back to reality.

I picked up Madie and Kali from the airport at 4:30pm yesterday to be filled in with all the deets of their epic trip to TCU.   They both agreed that they will be back.  Sooner than later.  So much silly-ness.

Here's a few.  

We'll leave the rest for another day, and another time.

On Saturday Kris and Jen came over with cravings for Mama's homemade salsa.  

His eating game is still on fire.  With the exception of water, in which he needs LOTS of.  So he adds some stuff to it for flavor.  Metal mouth is real.  

My texts' throughout the day are constant reminders about meds, and water. 

I found that mesh stuff to cover his port, along with a medicine dispensary thing that has sun-mon/morn-night...type thing.  And as much as it seems these are trivial things, they ease my mind.

Jens birthday weekend. Where friends and family had planned brunches and parties a month ago. He rallied. But most of all, they rallied around him.  The love from her family and friends is surreal.  Just as much as we offer on our side.

It breaks my heart to see his eyes and body changing by the tone of chemo, but I must remind myself that cancer picked the wrong family to fight with.

We will keep pushing back. 

Today I am exhausted. I truly am.  The kind of tired that you want to curl into a corner and just sleep. 

Only I can't.  I am still fueled by adrenaline and will continue to find whatever is the best of the best.

Just this morning I finally had the courage to open my first Pdf File on Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia.  

He also has Philadelphia Chromosome which is addition to. With proper care, it's an addition to treatment.  For who knows how long.

Each time I would try to read I panic and back out. 

But today I felt at ease.  This week will give more answers.  More proof that doctors are trying to save people by medicine.  That they DO care about my boy. And because they know WE care and that THIS mom is reaching, and praising, and learning and asking and smiling through tears, THEY will help US fight for him.  Will he be cured? Can this nightmare go away forever? I don't think so.  Yes, they can push it far into corners but you know....the what if's.  It's easy when it's not you, or your loved one to say "hey leese he's gonna be fine, look so and so lived ten more years" and I truly, 100% respect all of this. 

It's just when you're in it.  When you look at the reality of the doctors faces the day of diagnosis, or the nurses that said "'I'm so sorry"-  You question things.  

But you move on.  The trauma becomes reality.  The reality become normalcy.

The normacly becomes your fight.  It envelopes every single hour of your day.

Friends invite you to boating gatherings and wine sipping.  And right now?  My head isn't there. They understand.  They send their sweet messages and pictures.  And I love them.

I feel most safe with Bill.  I feel most safe with the kids. And I feel most safe at home. It's funny, I always have.  It's the only time my phone could be wherever and I could care less.  As long as my birdies are with me. 

I feel safe at home.  I wish I could escape and run from it all, but I can't.  I am a robot. I will fight. As I have my entire life. 

For my kids.  I will fight. 

The road will be rough. I know that.  The word Remission really means nothing for me. I want CURE. 

On Saturday before Kris and Jen left he non-chalantly mentioned that Dr. Chen said "Kali isn't a match"-

My stomach flipped over. Almost like when you get knocked in the gut and you can't breathe. That kind.

I quickly thought "what the fuck, why didn't Dr. Chen call me, and tell me or let me know..why"

And they a realized he's a big dude now.

I again panicked. 

For a minute.  Then I pulled my hair back again.  And said....It's okay....we'll find the next best thing.

We will. 

We'll find a match.  We'll cross over the next bridge that is front. 

Together we will.  All of us. 

Happy Monday. Pray for my boy through this week.  For strength. For continued faith.  For smiles when at times he's alone and I'm sure scared. 

For my tired ass body to get up and with it.  

Pray that I am nice to people even when I really feel like otherwise. 

For when the value of a dollar that we all need so much takes the place of humanity, to remember where our true value is.  It's just gonna be a longer road.  

We have one shot kids.  Let's do this.  

Love to you all, especially to my family and close friends. You know who you are.  My rocks.

This Mama Warrior

PS. And to add more poop to the clogged toilet, my parents nearby town is on fire.  Their cars are packed, both on high alert, and waiting to run.  Butte Fire (Amador County 30% contained)-We all have our shitstorms to deal with, this is theirs.  Crazy how we both can't do anything to help the other.
Except------> PRAY.  Pray people, PRAY. 
Lord, please have Mercy on us.  I know you hear us.  I know you love us.  Have Mercy on us.