The Timing

This morning Bill took Kris to his appointment.  One that is standard.  First stop, labs.  Second stop, Doc.

His white counts dropped a little.  But most concerning, he lost 2 more lbs. 

When you're dealing with such a delicate guy, those 2 lbs are alot. 

They'd soon be told that the best scenario would be some hydration.  Hooking him up to bring him back up from where he might be.  Where that is, we really don't know.  Bill just really emphasized with the doctor that "he isn't eating"-  He is drinking ensures.  And he is drinking water.  But food.....food is not doing well in his regime.  And so he's currently hooked up in the infusion center.  Bill hoping that he'll feel much better when the flow does it's thing.  

Part of me continues to believe it's all the meds. While the other believes it's such the long hard process of BMT-

Either way, my positive vibe is losing it's grip, so I lean hard into the cell phone speaking to Bill as he eases my gut.  Expressing this will make him feel better.  He also pushed them to scope his tummy at our next appointment to eliminate any questions about GVHD-if so, well then treat it. 

He's been pushy enough to even ask why his hands tremble so much. Something I've noticed, yet never brought up.  Doctor expressing, he's weak.  He's thin. And he's most likely cold. 

And so the day is how it's supposed to be. The only thing is, my mind is blown for the day.

Payroll, taxes, paper work, and nonsense speaking customer service. Gone.

And so I pray.  And smile at whomever I can.  

Bugging Bill by phone each 30 minutes. Which sucks for him.  But....

"When Mama's happy, everybody's happy"

More like- Putting the pacifier back in my crying mouth.

Any hooooo....

I called my Dad last night on the way home.  He started taking acupuncture to stop smoking cigarettes, along with curving some anxiety he's suffering from. One thing you should know about my Dad. He's a tough ass guy that put us through hell in his drinking days.  He'd fight anyone, and anywhere ONLY when drinking.  No one crossed his path while drinking with an attitude, because he'd want to beat their ass. And, he'd turn into a rockstar after the 3rd beer.  Our house was always filled with music.  And loud.  But only if he was drinking. 

As he grew older, and had two choices to make.  Lose Mom, or lose alcohol. He lost alcohol.

He gained heartbreak and guilt. Lots and lots of guilt. 

Guilt that I personally wrote a letter forgiving. At least on my behalf.

He's always turned to cigarettes when he's stressed. 

So the vicious cycle turned and turned.  No cigarettes.  Anxiety built up. 

He has never been able to kick the 2 pack of cigs a day habit.  It's awful. 

If you ask me, I'd say why worry about that shit now. You're almost to the 70 mark.  If it makes you happy, and you haven't been beaten down by cancer, then smoke on. 

But....lesson here, it could affect my Mom.  Their life. Financials.  Married life. All of it. 

He was brave enough to take on acupuncture. Which is kind of hilarious to me, because I am my fathers daughter. I'm made up 80% of that man.  Needles? Hundreds all over my body?  F, no. 

But....

It's working!  He loves it.  He said he actually fell asleep over the weekend at one of his treatments. 

And so for that, I am so happy.  

I began to sob at one point telling him how shitty my Tuesday was. How all I could do was cry.  Crying like a baby.  He just listened.  He said he understands, and wishes he could do something.  Reality through the phone as I drove along in my car with that blue-tooth with all speakers hearing a man that I protected when the world was mad at him, to now try to protect me 400 miles away.  I can't change circumstances right now because things are just what they are.  They are two parents who won't change.  Just love me. 

He said that I've always been strong.

Sure shit enough Dad, you got that right. 

He said just keep doing what you're doing.  Everything will work out.  When deep inside, I pulled into my driveway as we hung up I wished I could sit across from him and let more out.  But with my safety barrier of a home waiting for me.  Those 4 walls. That smell of home. The home I made.  For my kids and myself.  The home I've protected two kids in.  Learned many lessons in.  Loved hard in.  Fought hard in. Safety. Home.
Right where I have always landed. On my two feet.

This morning Bill picked up Kris, headed for City Of Hope.  I've been the micro-manager.  The one that basically hauls a baby bag with all things "Kris" and safety when we do appointments.  

Bill took him last Thursday where he could hardly walk.  Puking the minute he got home.  

They're back at it today. 

And as much as my heart breaks because I want to make things better, and do it my way. 

It's the man that loves them too.  That walked into their lives when they were younger.  That loves them.

Was told he lost 2 more lbs.  That he needed to be hooked up to IV Hydration for two bags.  

That his white counts dropped a little. Taking one med away, adding another.  Same thing, different week.

Changes here, changes there. 

I am sitting at my desk, organizing stacks I've over organized twice. The nervous Dory energy.  Flowing. 

Hair topped up high in a bun.  Tears have stained my cheeks again.  Prayers began. 

Employees asking me "How's Kris"-  One young feller I hired a couple years ago coming over to my desk to offer a hug.  Sweet dude. 

Life.

Sometimes it's fucked up. And sometimes there's rainbows and butterflies. 

Thank you God for the chance to get hydration.  A safe car ride with the man that loves him, and loves me. 

The Dad that called Kali this morning to wish her good luck on her mid-term. 

Sitting here at my desk a fellow would walk in asking for "Lisa Stahl"-  

"That's me"-

He turns to grab these...

 My first instinct...-From Bill-?

Tearing the envelope open to read-

"Let's hope this will make your day a little better-2 Trees will be planted in your honor by the National Forest Foundation"- Love, Mom and Dad.

And to this I say, wow. 

Timing.  

Keep positive vibes and prayers filled with hope and love to my boy. 

And to me for strength.  I'm tough.  But I am weak. 

As I texted Jen earlier.... "Let's look for sunny days honey." --the girl that would love to wrap her arms around her lover and just kiss a good long loving kiss, but can't. 

Let's look for peace and hope. 

Especially during days like these...

Happy Thursday, let's look for beauty-  Like the flowers blooming around us.

Smile, and keep swimming.

Hope Heals. 

Love,

This Warrior Mama Lisa