Our Thursday morning started sitting next to my girl sipping coffee. Talking about how brave I felt to unhook and "flush" her brothers port. Something I've cringed over since August. I can hardly stare at it. When he grabs it, moves it or adjusts it, I literally get this little butterfly flutter in my tummy.
Trying to watch each week as they change it. But....I cowardly step out of the room. He smiles, I hunch my back over in pure shame.
Wednesday night offered me no room to coward down. I had to step up. Learn. And do what was needed on Thursday morning come time to. And that I did. He walks me through because he's a pro. He knows all the loops. How they push the fluid to the top. How to push harder when it seems clogged. Me, always asking "if it hurts"- His gentle response..."no mom"-
We'd soon see my sister at my door step. Coming with us on our COH field trip. Trying to make a nice day out of it. Kali home for break. He was stronger, and I could see more color.
I've been a cooking maniac. He ate French Toast, scrambled eggs, and three slices of bacon. Along with his orange juice and p.i.l.l.s.
Telling me as I took his tray that he'd love more French Toast. It's funny how when you switch things up, it's appreciated.
I guess that's kinda like everything in life, right?
We'd make our way. Landing to City Of Hope, pulling up to the front, but not asking for a wheel chair. He'd walk in with his sister, and me and MY sister would park.
As we all sat in the waiting room, I kind of felt like he just seemed better. A tad bit stronger.
And maybe, just maybe a tad bit bigger (weight)-
They call his name and we'd all make our way down those familiar halls. Left, right...and right.
Sitting against the wall on these padded connected long seats.
He leans against me, I lean against him. He's already exhausted. I can feel and see it.
He'd get called again, and be inside there for about 45 minutes. Labs and port change and clean.
We would all make our way down to the basement to see our doctor. Walking in to see a very long line. A line that was held up by an elderly woman. Asking way too many questions, and yet trying to figure her future appointments. Because she needs a driver. And so we stood there listening to dates all the way into September. Soon I'd hear a receptionist that knows us. She smiles at me, and says "I checked Kris in Mrs. Stahl"-
Thank you sweet girl.....thank you.
His name called right away. Vitals taken. Me staring intently as he stepped onto the scale. The only problem, I don't know how to read the percentage it shows.
She'd tell us his doctor is waiting for us.
Wait, what?! His doctor waiting...? For us?!!! BAM!
He gained 2 more lbs! His counts dropped a little. WBC 2.5 and Platelets hovering in the high 73's.
Before you know it, our 3 hour tour was over, and he'd make the long walk to the car. Something that seems so easy to some, but so huge to him.
I snapped this-
Although the temps are high, he's always freezing.
Making our way back down the six.oh.five.....
He wanted his bed. We wanted lunch. And I most always start to push the idea of food.
A fridge that was becoming more emptier by the hour, I'd need to run to grocery store. And Kaiser.
To pick up another 12 bottles.
Collapsing onto my bed at night is a whole new meaning. I truly feel exhausted.
Mentally and physically. Nothing takes the place of motherhood. Nothing ever will.
I remember meeting a lady in radiation. Her 40 year old son was being treated for the monstrous return of cancer in his neck. Treated in his late teens as he played baseball, and they noticed a lump while he was a catcher. Thinking and praying they got it all....Married a few years ago, and a new father to a baby boy. His mom taking motherhood by the horns------> a.g.a.i.n. Staying at a hotel while he would undergo treatment, back and forth for 6 months. Living in Temecula, staying in Duarte 4 days a week. Driving home on Thursday afternoon for the weekend. To return on Monday morning. Motherhood, to help her daughter in law be a mother to her new grandson.
Doing what we all do. In Motherhood.
6 Months. And by the looks of things, or at least from what Kali and I observed....it didn't look very good.
Motherhood.
Last night I was taught another round of hooking my boy up. Only this time, she'd show me how to "prime" the IV. Getting ready for infusion when he was ready for bed. More for me, because ---hello 12 hours, I must be ready to unhook. Clean. Flush.
And so we did.
Last night the beeps beeped. The morning light rolled around. Walking past his room to get my java juice to talk. And walk. He'd be awake catching me slide by..."mom it's done"
I knew it was. I knew, I just wanted to get the cob webs out of my eyes. I am really tired.
But.....I did it! He had to correct me once. Making sure I pushed the fluid all the way to the top before pushing into port- woops.
Our family is made up of silly-ness. But in the morning, we are serious. At least today we were.
When I finished, I winked at him. Kinda like proud of myself for getting through something that is so darn scary.
Something I have fretted from day one.
When his doctor called me yesterday while I was out running errands, I had to just ask....
"Dr. Sahebi, since he's on the uphill of gaining, can he take a break from TPN over Easter Weekend"?
Oh, course he can. Let's just start back up on Monday.
And so....Monday it is.
We'll stuff him full of goodness all weekend.
This morning he ate another 2 pieces of French Toast. 3 slices of bacon. 2 eggs. And a little fruit bowl.
With orange juice. A repeat of yesterday, but we knew he'd take it all down.
Back to sleep he goes as his body digests all the meds.
Kali went to the doctor to see what the heck is going with a little cyst in her mouth.
Something we all just shrug off as nothing, but you know...the swirling thoughts make their way around my crazy mind.
Everything will be fine.
Because I am Mama Bird--
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| Thanks Regina and Brian! Bucks says THANK YOU TOO! |
It's a GOOD day to have a GOOD FRIDAY!
May you all be covered in GRACE- And of course, lots and lots of LOVE!
This Mama Warrior Lisa
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