On Gratitude

I've been thinking about the word gratitude today.  Actually I pondered hard about it last night. 

While driving home from Kali's doctors appointment to check out that little cyst in her lip, I couldn't help but cross paths with my gratitude thoughts.  

So much gratitude for things. 

For people.

For family.

As I sat next to Kali at that appointment I read another message from my buddy in London (Hi Sumaira!)-

She shared another day in the life of transplant.  And our topics covering Leukemia.  It's amazing what we share. It's amazing what path we've walked, and still must walk. For our kids.

And I thought wow...

 Gratitude.  

She's reaching a part of my soul that really no one can.  Bill can't.  Friends can't. Daughter can't. 

It's something only a mother would understand.  The grief.  The panic. 

Something she shared with me, was our suffering of some sort of "post traumatic" stress thing.

The gratitude began to sink in a little more.  So much so as I was reading aloud to Kali, I started to choke up.  She smiled.  I tried to continue on, but couldn't.  

Here's this Mom across the world from me, feeling my feels.  

Gratitude.

For the strength I carry to move the world around my son so he doesn't have to.

Gaining my strength for him. Hooking him up to his iv at night.  Just opening the needle pack I get such discomfort in what I'm doing. And yet, I just do. 

You would too. 

It's like this super power has come over me.

I truly am exhausted.  But I'm grateful for the strength within me to do what I must do.

I can't rely on others. I've learned that. Although people reach out to help, they really can't. So they carry on in their lives. 

He's my son. 

I will do what I need to. 

Gratitude.

For the food I can buy for him. Although I struggle to work.  Struggle to juggle bills and paperwork. I just do. Thank God, I can buy food.  Good food.  To allow him to thrive. 

Something he said this morning while Bill, he and I sat in the quiet early morning living room. 

"Mom, I don't know what people would do without a caretaker"-

Truth.

It's pretty obvious that while healing through something of this magnitude, you need support. 

Moral. Physical. Clerical. 

Gratitude. 

Those that care enough to call me back. Pharmacies.  Sperm bank today that had to get a credit card to update his account to assure another year.  Another year to safely save his little swimmers for fatherhood someday.  

I gently nudge him more and more each day for simple tasks. Like, shaving.

Or showering without us standing in there..-------------------> hello weakling could hardly stand at one point, much less shower holding onto a glass door---

I nudge him to water our flowers.  Or a lime tree that Bill and I killed at the beach, and so we're trying to give it a second chance in life.  I haven't yet asked Kris to do a lime dance around it, but I'm close.

We just want some damn limes.  Farters won't live. Leaves grow, we jump with excitement, then they die. 

Gratitude. 

Friends that wait a day or more for a return call. I wish I called back sooner. The truth is, when I want to call people back it's usually while driving.  However, right now my re-dial is set on pretty much one person. 

My Dad.  Or my sister. 

I try to update le' blog so the world can see and feel what the chapter pages look like.

Some days I feel like a complete loser for not sending thank you cards out to friends that have given me wine.  Or books.  Or games. Kyokooooooo--- Or hugs. Or love. Or wiped my tears. 

The old Lisa would have sent a thank you card within days.  

I can't right now.

Gratitude. 

For my mad cooking skills.  I'm like on fire.  jk.

I went from an empty nest cry baby mode because my girl was gone to college, to preparing three square meals a day. On top of making sure every darn germ is wiped clean.  No food close to "expiry date" can stand a chance in my kitchen.  Just that alone keeps me on my toes.  I've been known to grow some greeny slimy shiz in my veggie drawers. 

Not now. I can whip up a smoothie in ten seconds flat. -Oh, you want peanut butter, no prob- glop here, plop there. 

Gratitude.

For Kali.  There's been moments in the last two weeks where she's watched me almost lose my shit.

And yet, she keeps offering help. Love. Smiles. 

Just like last night coming home from a very long day.  The doctors office topping the charts for me, after hearing she has to get that thing surgically removed, and biopsied.  (which I know God has my back on this one, she's fine...just a gig from biting her lip..a lovely trait she gets from her mama)- But my fatigue and last stop at Ralph's arriving home at almost 7 completely tired.  I walk over cords and a laptop with a show Bill and Kris are watching.  The house feeling rather...."sloppy"- 

I began to shuffle everyone's things around.  My quiet demeanor. To soon hear Kali say..."Mom, stop"-

I really wanted to sit on the ground and cry. 

But I still had an iv to get "primed"-

I still had dinner to get in and figured out. 

I still had a load of laundry that I forgot I tossed in the morning, causing those flippin' towels to stink like...whatever.

Gratitude.

For Bill.  Whom yet, still stares at me every.single.day. when I can't talk because I start to cry.

Every freaking day you guys.  I still cry.

He just assures me.  Hugs me.  Changes the subject.

Gratitude.

For all of you friends.  For your love.  For your prayers. 

For the chance to let me get this out to you. 

I don't sleep well right now.  I'm up and down to beeps, and a son that yearns to hear me come down the hall when that thing is beeping.  In the morning when I disconnect and flush him. 

I'm on robot mode. 

But I am grateful.  He's alive-

I am alive.  

We will continue on the path we only know.  Same with my friend across the huge salty pond in London.

We do what we are put on this beautiful Earth to do. 

Motherhood.

Gratitude. 

For Motherhood.

Happy Hump Day Humpers.  

Big love,

This Mama Lisa