I've been told when you go through a chapter of this sorts you have good days, and you have bad days. And I'm not even the patient. I'm just the Mama Bird. I arrived home on Tuesday night with my artillery in tow which consisted of my huge bag already filled with binders, paperwork, groceries and extra stuff I brought home from Kris' desk. I notice a package delivered via FedEx-
As I bring my stuff in, I scroll through mail. Each day, new paperwork from Kaiser. From City Of Hope. For Kris. In this fight.
This particular package was from our nurse coordinator at COH. It entailed his layout for transplant. From the very detail of what med starts when. Our main voyage will begin on Dec 9th. Meds starting on Dec 11-
I changed out of my work clothes, put my hair on top of my head. Grabbed my glasses. Made some hot calming tea, and began to read. Lots of information. Information I would soon wish I would have opened in the morning versus after a long day. Especially sitting alone.
I was scared. So I started cleaning. And crying. And sorting. And pulling out Christmas decorations that I am trying to avoid but don't want to taint the holidays for Kali. Or Kris. Or Bill. Or whoever wants to see them. Reminding myself of the reason for the holiday. That love is going to keep me together.
I woke the next morning, pouring my coffee, heading back to my room, and back under my blankets at 5:30am. Avoiding those papers.
Kris would arrive to drive himself to his first appt at 9:30. His car wouldn't start. It's been sitting for a while. I walk outside to tell him I will go with him. I'll drive. It's okay...on and on.
But first we'd need to look through these papers "real quick"-
He began to cry. I began to cry.
We're fucking scared. To check yourself in somewhere unfamiliar. To have your life preserved and saved, yet the unknown rocking your world by the words such as "radiation"- And the various meds documented. And where to check in on that very first day. A full month of pretty much every bad thing he's heard. Me trying to not cry and just rubbing his back. Doing what Mom's do. Talking him through it. His little eye lashes missing, and that dimple side smile he gives me because he knew I was crumbling inside. As I apologize over and over.
We headed out.
To the first appointment where we carried in a jug of urine. 24 hour worth of collection. As we check into that appt, I let him know I'd be back. I walk into a lab carrying that jug where there's a hundred or so people waiting. I'm #133, there's one clerk, and they've just called #108- And so......
I stepped outside to call my friend Shelley. A call I needed to sit in sunshine outside the door to discuss things, and vent a little.
As I head back in when I see #129, soon to be called, I get to a lady that has a language barrier. She's referring to Kris as a "She", which makes my insides crawl in all the wrong places. I correct her because I am a b word. She begins to hand me paperwork to fill out for the urine, ------in Spanish. Um, sorry, I can't read this. She tells me they have no more. I tell her to go find english.
She also begins to tell me he has blood work to do. I let her know he has a port and blood work isn't done anywhere else but the Infusion center. We go back and forth until I walk away....headed back up to EKG/Ultrasound. As I walk in, he's waiting and smiling.
They call us back. As he's getting weighed, someone calls his cell from "THE LAB"- Telling him that the nurse needs to draw blood. THEY DON'T DRAW BLOOD IN EKG, OR ULTRASOUND DEPT.
I lose my shit, and start doing Mama Warrior mode.
Just short of cocking my neck back and forth, our nurse says "let me call them". Feeling my vibe she calls down there and shakes the building. My kind of girl. My.Kind.Of.Girl.-------
I head back down with my cute fuzzy birdie telling him to stand outside in the fresh air, while I go and "find my prey" jk-- well kinda.
As I enter back up to Aisle D where the girl recognizes me she begins to type in his info and prints out 18 little labels. My response "Um, are those the viles you are taking from him?" Yes. Yes, they are.
Okay...where do we go, I need to take him around the side to the other door avoiding this filled lab with mostly sick people.
He finds a seat at #7 with a super sweet girl that immediately starts on about his tattoo's and agrees to wait while I run down to a little cart to get him apple juice and a banana. Understanding he's a skinny dude, and those little viles will infact drain just a tad bit of whatever from him.
Kris smiles at me, as I run down and back. He drinks down the apple juice and takes 3 bites of the banana.
Off we go.
As we enter the car, both exhausted from the anxious process that just took place he says "Mom, this seriously is so rediculous but there's no one to even be mad with or at"-
True Bub. He has so many tests. But they are vital. Making sure his body can withstand radiation. More chemo. Receiving the gift of a new life.
I dropped him off, and headed to work. As I left last night a friend of mine called. She worked at The City Of Hope. The timing of her call was everything I needed. I spoke to her all the way home, and back to my kitchen table where I read to her the treatment plan, etc. She walked me through more of the unknown, and of course lightly tossed a blanket over my shoulder. Helping me understand, yet understanding me. As a parent.
I jumped in the shower and began to pray. I pray more than I ever have. Ever.
There are days that feel so easy. Like on the uphill of a rollercoaster. And then there are days that feel like you are falling down the highest drop. There are days where I feel like I am failing. I haven't returned a text. Or my most special friends and family are hosting an amazing fundraiser and I can hardly put my mind around decorations, or food.
These hazy days mean so much to me, yet I look around at the continued heart ache and tragedy from terrorist. People losing loved ones. People witnessing horror right in front of their eyes. Knowing more will probably unfold. Because of evil.
Please bear with me if I bark at you. Or you witness me bark at someone. I've become more of a fighter Mama than the sweet little mama lisa. My soul has been tainted. For the next few months I will surround my baby with as much love, guidance, protection, and peace as I can. I will need friends and family to understand me. I pray for the haze to lift. For life to be reborn into my birdie. I pray he gets through these next few months with the tiniest of silver linings. He will move back with me while he heals. I will have to admit meds into his body and transport him back and forth as he regains strength.
I will be.....his Mama Warrior.....
Right now? I can't get off this roller coaster....
Love to you all....Many big days ahead...many big changes, and challenges.
WE can get through it. Together, as a unit. We will.
Love and peace to you all....
Mama Warrior Lisa
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