Christmas time has always been rough. For some reason in all the years past, I have battles in my head. It started years ago just as Thanksgiving was leaving us. I would become more and more depressed that the holiday season had landed in my lap. Maybe it was working and taking care of the kids. Along with trying to make magic for employees at work. You know the drill. Leaving for work early in the morning, and coming home at dark. Homework, memorizing bible verses. Soccer practice. Preparing dinners, lunches planned for the next day....
Trying to get the perfect cards for my list of family and friends.
And then the magical side of trying to Christmas shop with money you really aren't budgeted to spend. But you run around anyway, trying to find the perfect gift. It was just me. Type A. Trying to do it all.
When all of the sudden I would be in tears. Crying at every Christmas song that came on the radio. Crying at the thought of those less fortunate.
Last year the same thing settled into my bones. I did what I could, pulling my Christmas boxes down and out of every small crevice that a house built in the 50's can hold. Untangling cords. Looking at each and every ornament my babies made. Or had a picture placed inside. I never did get around to putting lights on my al'naturel' tree. But I did stuff ornaments here and there. I managed to put the wind up Christmas box on my table. Along with the little bits of whatever was convenient for me.
Christmas morning was just Bill, Kali and I. Doing my magical magic that night. Pulling out her stocking to stuff it with all the junk goodness I had ran around to get.
Not to mention the gift after gift she opened to find some 6 months later shoved into her closet. Tags still adorned. Things she "oh my goodness Mom, so cute"- Really deeeeep down didn't like. But ya, went with it.
This year is different.
This year we've been given a different holiday and season to celebrate. I pulled out a little silver tree I have. I pulled out a few decorations I've had through the years. Two of which ended up making the cut into my Donation To The Vets huge pile that was picked up last week. Anyway....all this to say. I am trying.
I have a little stack of Christmas cards that have arrived, yet haven't made it to my wall. By the way, I LOVE receiving Christmas cards. It's such a gift to me.
I am navigating my workload. Kris' medical paperwork. His banking. Kali's school stuff, and finances.
Finally caving to Kali this week asking her to run around and shop for me this week.
I have to move my plants out of my house weeks before Kris comes home (due to mold spores)- I have to wipe everything down in his room with vinegar. His bed is arriving today, with a new mattress on Friday.
I will be nesting like a nester for my bird. RIGHT in the middle of the holiday season.
Yesterday was a tough day. Can't put my finger on exactly what it was. Just rough.
I pulled in my driveway in the dark. Walked to my porch. Eyeing my mailbox for yet another huge stack of "medical" paperwork. I look over, and I see this pokey tall thing.
This tree.
From my friend Erica. At first, I started to think of who it could be.
But then I noticed the familiar love for natural love. You guys. This picture does it no justice.
Those are cotton balls. And that alone my friends......is pure glory. And yes, cry baby, cried.
-------> go ahead, roll them eyes kids...
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| One gift. For Tori. |
After I set it up in the corner. I plugged it in. I kept going back out to stare at it. The little details.
The time she spent. The hand work and love she put into this tree.
And guess what? It's not real. It can stay with me in that little corner until July!
It will give me Love. Hope. And moments that I may feel scared, I can remind myself to "Believe"-
Because Family is what is keeping me going.
Friends. Neighbors. The girl that has watched me come and go for over 15 years. She knows my story. She watches my drill. She knows my style. She knows my kids. She's watched growth, and she's watch change.
I shared with her last week just how scared I am. I am nervous to get through the next few months.
You know the excitement of finding a donor is real. I get it.
But as a mama, you have an enhanced view of it all. Let's just say maybe a little more sensitive.
Or scared shitless.
whatever. you feel me right?
And so to know I have a couple of homegirls on my street that get me. That are residing hundreds of feet from my door step. That care.
One was with me the night he was diagnosed. While the other learned through social media. To reach out.
Putting her homemaking arms around my shoulders.
And so, my mind has been shifted. My soul is learning to live. To be strong, when I feel so weak.
And when I feel weak, I will remind myself of the love. I have a cactus I look at from my friend Nikki-I have a little wreath from my friend Laura. I have a blue feather from my cousin Mindi. I have this tree that will keep my eyes on LOVE. FAITH. HOPE. PEACE. FAMILY.
Because in the end, that's what the holiday season is all about.
Peace be with you-
This Mama Warrior Lisa
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