A Moment In Time.

Well Helllllllo kids!

Warning.  Long post.  Editing skills at a sharp 60%-

Desk full of papers.  Still lots to go. 

But.....

A post!

I mentioned last week how we were sneaking away, for the day and night.  I was most looking forward to basking in the sunshine.  If not sunshine, well bar side sipping a cocktail with the love of my life.

Friday afternoon Kali had her little procedure to remove a cyst.  And so we navigated that rodeo like two cowgirls.  Grabbed the bull by the horns, and tackled em down. 

And when I speak plural, I truly mean "we"-  

My calm stature has become the newest fad in our house.  Therefore, as we arrived all I could do is chuckle along with her, and talk.  We were both nervous, but you know how it goes, laughter and chit chat cures all.

 It wasn't long before she was called back--"Calin" (as they pronounce it)We'd be sitting in the little surgery room with thee nicest doctor. I could feel compassion the minute he put on his Bose speakers filling the air with "Adele"-

And not just Adele, but the song "All I Ask"-  The minute they started to prep her and get her nice and numb, this silly-head had tears falling.  And not just any tears.  They were outright crocodile tears and that lump in your throat that is starting to choke you out with an outburst.  I held it in so hard. I tried. 

The nurse asked if I was okay....

I began to explain that --------------->  I'm just squeamish about needles---

When deep down it broke my heart to sit and watch my littlest birdie under a doctor.  And nurse.

More medical. More doctors.  More bright lights.  More blue medical band-aid paper.  More of all of it. 

I couldn't hold it in.

Freak. 

Suffering from post traumatic is real. 

Within a half an hour, we were on the road. She had 3 stitches.  A puffy little lip. And ta-da' completely fine. 

They send the cyst to pathology to make sure all is good. He informing me as I wiped my silly eyes with mascara stain, that they will let me know everything is fine, either way. 

God has my back.  

Remember that. 

Bill had planned a little dinner with our 6-pack group.  And just like that....

I was sitting shot gun to my buddies, sipping good wine, and chomping on a dinner that will go down as the best at the Turks household.  Russ is quite the cook and every single time he cooks for us, I leave there saying the same thing. THAT was the best...and then there's another one that tops it. It's simply amazing. 

Beef Wellington-Green Beans, and not just any ol' green beans...like gourmet to the core...and red potatoes. 

The wine was just a slam dunk.  ALL of it was delish!

Russ the cook!

 Something we always seem to talk about while together is our duration of friendship.  We all met about 15 years ago. Maybe even more.  And it seems as the years filter through there's been this little six pack thing.

We gather when we can.  We've all been through so much together.  Life, loss, illness, financial, sadness and happiness. 

 This cake you guys....omg.

Just like every relationship, really.  You hold close to the memories. The moments.  Later it makes those precious memories even more so when you look back on.  Always chalking up each year and each month as a gift.  Because we've witnessed just how things change. Fast

I am forever thankful for my friendships.  With all of you.  

Kali was up and out to yoga before I managed to crawl outta my bed.  And just like any normal lazy mom, I laid on the couch waiting for everyone to get back.  Bill worked. (Actually Kali had a little incident with one of her stitches falling out...so she drove herself to urgent care) Mom of the year didn't go with her because....hello-------> remember I was waiting for my chariot to come home from work to slide me down to our fancy hotel.  

Bags were packed by the front door like a little girl waiting to be picked up by our aunties (we never had the grandparent thing, ours was aunties)-

He arrived, changed and down the road we'd go.  I promised myself to not nag him while driving.  To zip my lip. And although I get car sick easily I told myself that when he tailgated, or sped up, I would look at my phone.  

Problem solved. 

We arrived.  At my favorite resort in all the land. 

I have a problem with hotels.  And my problem is germaphobe issues.  So you land me in a good hotel, and life just instantly becomes full of butterflies and unicorns.  Reality is, financially we don't/can't do this often. 

And so for me, it's an extra splurge. I'm that girl that saves the napkin because it says St. Regis.

And the matches, because holla, who has matches anymore?.....

They handed us champagne and asked us to chill a bit while they got our room ready.

 Forty Six. 

 The day turned into afternoon.  Afternoon turned to evening.  My wish was to sit in the sand, with a bottle of wine (we brought our fancy schmancy bottle Bill bought me for Christmas telling me to pull the cork when I was ready for whatever occasion my heart was ready for)

 It was the moment.

 Just looking at these pictures melt me.  If there's something in life I cherish most, it's moments you make. 

He's truly my best friend.  We love to be alone.  We love to sip wine or cocktails and be silly together....

   I literally looked over at him and said....this is what I needed.  This is what I wanted.  The last 8 months have really taken it's toll on me.  I felt quietly still.  And safe. 

 I will never ever be the same.  I won't.  

I can step away and have moments sipping good wine in places that are well out of budget.  I can step away and hide from reality.  I can step away with my lover and hold him tight, and still weep, because sometimes I just can't stop it. 

I did manage to drink too much.  That dang wine led us into the bar. From bar to room..  From room to restaurant.  That's where it gets blurry. HA!

My guilt the next morning feeling as though maybe I shouldn't drank so much.  Maybe I should of done this, or that.  Truth is, I was me.  I was safe with my love in a place not far from home.  A place I could send pictures to and from the kids.  

I cherished every single second in that resort.  

Loving this pillow adorned with birdies.  I love the colors. I love the shape.  I love it.  

 We'd hop on this little trolley down to the beach.  Our cocktails made in our room making the ride extra silly. 

 Smiling at each other.  Through the storm we just rolled out of.  That smile we give each other.  

It has new meaning.  It has more heart felt wrinkles in the corner of our lips.  

That smile.  

I was looking forward to our birdies making their way to us on Sunday morning for brunch.  

 Kali texted me they were on the way....I felt so anxious.  So happy!  

My concern was finding a place that would serve Kris safely.  A place with open air, and a chance to dine without his mask.  A place we'd all be together, not pushing to have others join us. I needed solace.

I craved my small unit.  Just us. 

  I wanted and needed peace.  

The sad part?  We have one picture. 

One. 

My babies....Shuttling down to the shore....

I received numerous phone calls.  Messages.  And so much love.  

I can't thank you all enough. 

You've loved us through some of my hardest days. Days that I felt I couldn't go on.

You were there. 

All of you.

It's almost surreal on your actual birthday.  It kind of feels like just an average day, and yet filled with so much goodness-

The kids wrote out their cards to me with sincere love and gratitude.  Words my son wrote to me will be etched inside of me forever.  Kali and her detailed way of presenting gifts.  All in a basket as her mama loves.

Jens way of shopping for me with the details of my hippy earthly love.  

Bill's surprise of taking me to  BAD COMPANY next month!

Yeeeefreeeeaaakkkkinhawwwww!!!!! 

Sunday night as we tucked in from such a wonderful day, I prepped. 

My mind.  My heart. My binder back out from my home desk. 

The binder would make its way back into that woven mama bag.

Ready for my questions on Monday.

Med changes, and concerns.

I've been concerned about cancer and sugar.

Asking again for my 5th time what does the 100th day really mean.

What happens next.

Bone Marrow Biopsy next Monday.

Results hopefully next Thursday.

A port removal appointment staring at us in the face.

Something I never imagined.

Still petrified of cancer.

Still hovering.

Trying to let go.

Watching him pack his bag to head back to a normal life. With his girl. The dogs.

Beach.

Life.

Still hovering.

Praying like a maniac.

Smiling under the beautiful expensive Burberry glasses he bought me-because he says I deserve them.

Sorting meds again.

Dropping prescriptions off for another antibiotic because he has little bug bite on his leg that "could" get weird.

Receiving a phone call from his doctor telling us to increase both Sirulimus and tacrulimus-

Filling his med container to the brim, as I do each week.  Only this time taping them shut because he was leaving home.

He's ready to start a new chance.

He doesn't feel like asking all the scary questions, because his mom does.

She will continue to fight until day 5,868,899-

He just needs to continue to heal, and hope for a cure.

Dr. Sahebi works with me. 

She gets me. 

She hugs me, and she always rubs his cheeks. 

She loves her patients.

She's on our team.

She listens to my suggestions about some meds, and how to slightly take them away.

She knows I am a warrior.

She has triplets, -Boys.

They are 12.

She understands me. 

Sometimes asking questions, and pausing because I cry in between the same fucking question.

She understands.

Yesterday was day 95-

Friday marks 100.

But really for me, it's not the number.

It's believing we can get through hundreds and hundreds more.

Praying.

Loving. 

Learning.

Most important, is remaining grateful.  For our gratefulness in this storm is what will keep us going.

It will give us the chance to say thank you to every single family and friend that has loved him right up to day 100.  

Some days I will never know how we got through.  I still don't.  I still don't know how I drove to and from.  And worked.  I don't know how I've remained strong when at times I feel like caving. 

I won't. 

Ever. 

I will fight this fight, and remind others to do the same.  Don't give up. 

If you have a monster chasing you, just keep praying.  And don't stop.  Don't give up.

Don't ever give up.

Leukemia is a monster.  And I will walk the remainder of my days on this Earth trying to help others.

Have Faith.  

Faith, prayer, and love. 

I promise you-Some way, some how.....you can get through..

To the transplant families in the fight right now...remember this-YOU and THEY will get through.

If one day isn't good, the next just might be.  Don't put your warrior stick down.

Don't stop.  

And if Sara Irons reads this at City Of Hope....You, my friend. You...are the reason Kris kept going.

Day +12- Hardest day ever.  

Happy Tuesday.  

I'm trying so hard to get my heart back in the game of life.  I still have lots of dust on my shoulders.

Lots of worry.  Lots of fears that grab my ankles and shake me to the core.  But I keep going.

To the friends that understand when I can't make it out for mid-week dinners or happy hour.  I'm still an hour by hour, day by day girl.  It's just me.

I will always offer you love. 

And a smile. 

Circa 1993-How bout' them shoes.  And the hat......?

To my homegirls that love me so much....thank you! 

The little gifts of flowers and succulents because you know me so well....THANK YOU!

Erica's cookie dough, should be sold, but we're gonna keep it on the down-low-

The notes and love...the big hugs...all of it...thank you!

You keep me going----

My aunties. Thank you!

The cards from family. From my sisters-in-not-law-but-love...Thank you!

Another year.  Another chance.

Forty Six.  Come at me, baby.

 Just keep my son here.

Day 95 Stats-
Weighs 138!
WBC 5.2
RBC 3.22
Platelets 113
All good considering no more steroids (exception one for gvhd in tummy)
Now on Sprycel (oral chemo which agitates counts too...keeping a close eye on that too)

Hugs, 

This Mama Lisa