A Moment In Time.

Well Helllllllo kids!

Warning.  Long post.  Editing skills at a sharp 60%-

Desk full of papers.  Still lots to go. 

But.....

A post!

I mentioned last week how we were sneaking away, for the day and night.  I was most looking forward to basking in the sunshine.  If not sunshine, well bar side sipping a cocktail with the love of my life.

Friday afternoon Kali had her little procedure to remove a cyst.  And so we navigated that rodeo like two cowgirls.  Grabbed the bull by the horns, and tackled em down. 

And when I speak plural, I truly mean "we"-  

My calm stature has become the newest fad in our house.  Therefore, as we arrived all I could do is chuckle along with her, and talk.  We were both nervous, but you know how it goes, laughter and chit chat cures all.

 It wasn't long before she was called back--"Calin" (as they pronounce it)We'd be sitting in the little surgery room with thee nicest doctor. I could feel compassion the minute he put on his Bose speakers filling the air with "Adele"-

And not just Adele, but the song "All I Ask"-  The minute they started to prep her and get her nice and numb, this silly-head had tears falling.  And not just any tears.  They were outright crocodile tears and that lump in your throat that is starting to choke you out with an outburst.  I held it in so hard. I tried. 

The nurse asked if I was okay....

I began to explain that --------------->  I'm just squeamish about needles---

When deep down it broke my heart to sit and watch my littlest birdie under a doctor.  And nurse.

More medical. More doctors.  More bright lights.  More blue medical band-aid paper.  More of all of it. 

I couldn't hold it in.

Freak. 

Suffering from post traumatic is real. 

Within a half an hour, we were on the road. She had 3 stitches.  A puffy little lip. And ta-da' completely fine. 

They send the cyst to pathology to make sure all is good. He informing me as I wiped my silly eyes with mascara stain, that they will let me know everything is fine, either way. 

God has my back.  

Remember that. 

Bill had planned a little dinner with our 6-pack group.  And just like that....

I was sitting shot gun to my buddies, sipping good wine, and chomping on a dinner that will go down as the best at the Turks household.  Russ is quite the cook and every single time he cooks for us, I leave there saying the same thing. THAT was the best...and then there's another one that tops it. It's simply amazing. 

Beef Wellington-Green Beans, and not just any ol' green beans...like gourmet to the core...and red potatoes. 

The wine was just a slam dunk.  ALL of it was delish!

Russ the cook!

 Something we always seem to talk about while together is our duration of friendship.  We all met about 15 years ago. Maybe even more.  And it seems as the years filter through there's been this little six pack thing.

We gather when we can.  We've all been through so much together.  Life, loss, illness, financial, sadness and happiness. 

 This cake you guys....omg.

Just like every relationship, really.  You hold close to the memories. The moments.  Later it makes those precious memories even more so when you look back on.  Always chalking up each year and each month as a gift.  Because we've witnessed just how things change. Fast

I am forever thankful for my friendships.  With all of you.  

Kali was up and out to yoga before I managed to crawl outta my bed.  And just like any normal lazy mom, I laid on the couch waiting for everyone to get back.  Bill worked. (Actually Kali had a little incident with one of her stitches falling out...so she drove herself to urgent care) Mom of the year didn't go with her because....hello-------> remember I was waiting for my chariot to come home from work to slide me down to our fancy hotel.  

Bags were packed by the front door like a little girl waiting to be picked up by our aunties (we never had the grandparent thing, ours was aunties)-

He arrived, changed and down the road we'd go.  I promised myself to not nag him while driving.  To zip my lip. And although I get car sick easily I told myself that when he tailgated, or sped up, I would look at my phone.  

Problem solved. 

We arrived.  At my favorite resort in all the land. 

I have a problem with hotels.  And my problem is germaphobe issues.  So you land me in a good hotel, and life just instantly becomes full of butterflies and unicorns.  Reality is, financially we don't/can't do this often. 

And so for me, it's an extra splurge. I'm that girl that saves the napkin because it says St. Regis.

And the matches, because holla, who has matches anymore?.....

They handed us champagne and asked us to chill a bit while they got our room ready.

 Forty Six. 

 The day turned into afternoon.  Afternoon turned to evening.  My wish was to sit in the sand, with a bottle of wine (we brought our fancy schmancy bottle Bill bought me for Christmas telling me to pull the cork when I was ready for whatever occasion my heart was ready for)

 It was the moment.

 Just looking at these pictures melt me.  If there's something in life I cherish most, it's moments you make. 

He's truly my best friend.  We love to be alone.  We love to sip wine or cocktails and be silly together....

   I literally looked over at him and said....this is what I needed.  This is what I wanted.  The last 8 months have really taken it's toll on me.  I felt quietly still.  And safe. 

 I will never ever be the same.  I won't.  

I can step away and have moments sipping good wine in places that are well out of budget.  I can step away and hide from reality.  I can step away with my lover and hold him tight, and still weep, because sometimes I just can't stop it. 

I did manage to drink too much.  That dang wine led us into the bar. From bar to room..  From room to restaurant.  That's where it gets blurry. HA!

My guilt the next morning feeling as though maybe I shouldn't drank so much.  Maybe I should of done this, or that.  Truth is, I was me.  I was safe with my love in a place not far from home.  A place I could send pictures to and from the kids.  

I cherished every single second in that resort.  

Loving this pillow adorned with birdies.  I love the colors. I love the shape.  I love it.  

 We'd hop on this little trolley down to the beach.  Our cocktails made in our room making the ride extra silly. 

 Smiling at each other.  Through the storm we just rolled out of.  That smile we give each other.  

It has new meaning.  It has more heart felt wrinkles in the corner of our lips.  

That smile.  

I was looking forward to our birdies making their way to us on Sunday morning for brunch.  

 Kali texted me they were on the way....I felt so anxious.  So happy!  

My concern was finding a place that would serve Kris safely.  A place with open air, and a chance to dine without his mask.  A place we'd all be together, not pushing to have others join us. I needed solace.

I craved my small unit.  Just us. 

  I wanted and needed peace.  

The sad part?  We have one picture. 

One. 

My babies....Shuttling down to the shore....

I received numerous phone calls.  Messages.  And so much love.  

I can't thank you all enough. 

You've loved us through some of my hardest days. Days that I felt I couldn't go on.

You were there. 

All of you.

It's almost surreal on your actual birthday.  It kind of feels like just an average day, and yet filled with so much goodness-

The kids wrote out their cards to me with sincere love and gratitude.  Words my son wrote to me will be etched inside of me forever.  Kali and her detailed way of presenting gifts.  All in a basket as her mama loves.

Jens way of shopping for me with the details of my hippy earthly love.  

Bill's surprise of taking me to  BAD COMPANY next month!

Yeeeefreeeeaaakkkkinhawwwww!!!!! 

Sunday night as we tucked in from such a wonderful day, I prepped. 

My mind.  My heart. My binder back out from my home desk. 

The binder would make its way back into that woven mama bag.

Ready for my questions on Monday.

Med changes, and concerns.

I've been concerned about cancer and sugar.

Asking again for my 5th time what does the 100th day really mean.

What happens next.

Bone Marrow Biopsy next Monday.

Results hopefully next Thursday.

A port removal appointment staring at us in the face.

Something I never imagined.

Still petrified of cancer.

Still hovering.

Trying to let go.

Watching him pack his bag to head back to a normal life. With his girl. The dogs.

Beach.

Life.

Still hovering.

Praying like a maniac.

Smiling under the beautiful expensive Burberry glasses he bought me-because he says I deserve them.

Sorting meds again.

Dropping prescriptions off for another antibiotic because he has little bug bite on his leg that "could" get weird.

Receiving a phone call from his doctor telling us to increase both Sirulimus and tacrulimus-

Filling his med container to the brim, as I do each week.  Only this time taping them shut because he was leaving home.

He's ready to start a new chance.

He doesn't feel like asking all the scary questions, because his mom does.

She will continue to fight until day 5,868,899-

He just needs to continue to heal, and hope for a cure.

Dr. Sahebi works with me. 

She gets me. 

She hugs me, and she always rubs his cheeks. 

She loves her patients.

She's on our team.

She listens to my suggestions about some meds, and how to slightly take them away.

She knows I am a warrior.

She has triplets, -Boys.

They are 12.

She understands me. 

Sometimes asking questions, and pausing because I cry in between the same fucking question.

She understands.

Yesterday was day 95-

Friday marks 100.

But really for me, it's not the number.

It's believing we can get through hundreds and hundreds more.

Praying.

Loving. 

Learning.

Most important, is remaining grateful.  For our gratefulness in this storm is what will keep us going.

It will give us the chance to say thank you to every single family and friend that has loved him right up to day 100.  

Some days I will never know how we got through.  I still don't.  I still don't know how I drove to and from.  And worked.  I don't know how I've remained strong when at times I feel like caving. 

I won't. 

Ever. 

I will fight this fight, and remind others to do the same.  Don't give up. 

If you have a monster chasing you, just keep praying.  And don't stop.  Don't give up.

Don't ever give up.

Leukemia is a monster.  And I will walk the remainder of my days on this Earth trying to help others.

Have Faith.  

Faith, prayer, and love. 

I promise you-Some way, some how.....you can get through..

To the transplant families in the fight right now...remember this-YOU and THEY will get through.

If one day isn't good, the next just might be.  Don't put your warrior stick down.

Don't stop.  

And if Sara Irons reads this at City Of Hope....You, my friend. You...are the reason Kris kept going.

Day +12- Hardest day ever.  

Happy Tuesday.  

I'm trying so hard to get my heart back in the game of life.  I still have lots of dust on my shoulders.

Lots of worry.  Lots of fears that grab my ankles and shake me to the core.  But I keep going.

To the friends that understand when I can't make it out for mid-week dinners or happy hour.  I'm still an hour by hour, day by day girl.  It's just me.

I will always offer you love. 

And a smile. 

Circa 1993-How bout' them shoes.  And the hat......?

To my homegirls that love me so much....thank you! 

The little gifts of flowers and succulents because you know me so well....THANK YOU!

Erica's cookie dough, should be sold, but we're gonna keep it on the down-low-

The notes and love...the big hugs...all of it...thank you!

You keep me going----

My aunties. Thank you!

The cards from family. From my sisters-in-not-law-but-love...Thank you!

Another year.  Another chance.

Forty Six.  Come at me, baby.

 Just keep my son here.

Day 95 Stats-
Weighs 138!
WBC 5.2
RBC 3.22
Platelets 113
All good considering no more steroids (exception one for gvhd in tummy)
Now on Sprycel (oral chemo which agitates counts too...keeping a close eye on that too)

Hugs, 

This Mama Lisa 

Finally Friday.....

 I hear this weekend calls for sunshine.  I have great hopes to sit in the sand by the ocean side with my loves.

• Leave your worries by the shoreline,
  And run your bare-feet through the sand,
  Let the water be a soft bed,
  When you cannot bear to stand.
  Make friends with flying seagulls,
  And hold the sun up-to your palm,
  Before you duck beneath the water,
  Where the world is mute and calm.
  Tell the fish all of your problems,
  As they all come swimming past,
  When your lungs are close to bursting,
  Swim above the waves and gasp.
  Let the water hold your sadness,
  And wash it right out to the sea,
  So like a message in a bottle,
  All your worries are set free.
  And the sea might make you feel alone,
  But the world has troubles too,
  For how else do you suppose,
  The ocean got so blue?

• 
  

I wish you a weekend full of laughter.  Good food, and exceptional wine. 

If you don't drink wine, well good margarita's. 

Or if not margarita's.....ummm 

Martini's.  

If not martini's...well, then lemonade. 

Add vodka.  

Just kidding.

Have some iced cold water.  Add lemon. 

Happy Weekend to you....I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD to mine.

Keeping you all in my prayers-

xo

This Mama Lisa

When You Wait Almost 2 Years.

When Kali was graduating, or just prior to, I felt a tad bit overwhelmed.  Mentally and financially.  It seemed there were so many little financial obligations that fell into immediate priority place.  First being, getting her dorm stuff ready for move in, along with dinners, cap/gown, and I can't even remember all of it right now, but just alot. The one thing I put way back on the back burner was her senior portraits.  First of all, the minute they sent me her "proofs", I instantly fell head over heels in love. With almost all of them.  From the little cap and gown, to the awkward poses they had her standing in.  I truly loved them all. 

Problem was, they were like fifty thousand dollars.  

I would leave that email, and the binder of their so-called "specials" (insert-rolling my eyes)- to the side of my desk.  For months I moved it around. Then it landed behind my desk.  In my desk.  On my desk. 

I could not get myself to pull the trigger and order them.  Or even one.  One, being 200.00.  

I actually thought our school played some jacked up joke on us by having them taken by a place in Anaheim.  Our school is on the border of Seal Beach.  

I called bullshit the minute I called and they told me we would not only have to pre-pay them, but the shipping was/is $20.00-

And so.....they floated around on my desk.  I always try to remember little things I wish for, so when the kids ask that honorable question on my birthday/Mothers Day/Christmas- "Mom, what do you want"--

I never seem to remember things like this. 

Please order Kali's Senior pictures and only get one.  "Don't spend fifty thousand dollars" on their sick game of entrapment. LOL!

But, again, month after month I would forget.  I have Kris' picture on my living room table.  And no Kali.

Last month, I pulled the trigger and bought two.  Two eight by tens.  Calling and asking if they had ANY specials for grad's of 2014 (LOL) -  $89.00-

After ordering them I felt like a little weight was lifted from my shoulders.  She worked so hard in high school. Both of my kids did.  It's an honor to walk into anyone's house to see pictures of hard work.  High school and college pictures.  Such a beautiful honor of achievement. 

Today I had to pick up parts for the shop.  As I was making my way down Kraemer in Anaheim I thought...wait a minute, I think I'm close to those mofo's holding my pictures hostage.  

I was .02 miles away.  BAM!

Pulled in. 

And here you have $89.00-   8X10 =  2014

Winner Mom.  

I sent this to her.  And our chuckles are real. 

Kali, even though I flake out on stuff like this because I have a hard time spending fifty thousand dollars on pictures.  I am so proud of you. 

I am proud of the girl you are evolving into.  

On Monday Kali was at her Chapter Sorority meeting (one she meets for every single Monday night-COMMITMENT!) and one of her sisters tried to make her way out of the room they were in, falling hard down on her body into a full grand-mal seizure.  Jumping up to assist her, caressing her face, talking to her as she shook, and eyes rolled back.  Kali stayed calm.  Feeling for a pulse.  Talking to her through it. 

Staying with her along with her "big" until the paramedics arrived.  

A place that began to explode with panicked girls shrilling with fear.  Kali remained calm. 

After they took her away, she called me.  I could tell by her tone, she had been shaken. Yet remained fiercely calm.  

That's our Kali. 

As we hung up, all I could think of, is wow.  

She's an awesome asset to this world.   As I said to her, good job honey.  

Maybe it's a sign for her.  Through health care, and the path she walked so far with brother.  Maybe it's her calling.  

Kali, you make me so proud.  

Do I make you proud buying your senior portraits 2 years later?

No?

Happy Thursday!

Kris' counts look decent, whites and platelets dropped a little.  Up the anty on the Sirulimus, and tacrilimus tonight.  

And his doctor?  She wants some of the fish they caught.  

Life, I tell you....

As I end this post, his song just came on. 

Simple Man.

Go enjoy the night kids...

This Mama Lisa

PS-  Keep Kali in your prayers tomorrow, as she gets her little cyst removed in her mouth on her lip.  Might look like some botox in the houseeeeeee tmrw night!   #bravegirl 

Worth Mentioning.

Can I just say holla to Thrift and Goodwill Stores?

If there's one thing I love in this world, its finding little treasures. Whether it's stumbling across a good find at a yard sale, or cruising through a goodwill store, or thrift store in an odd town.  

I can't tell you how many little treasures, that I treasure from yard sales, thrift stores and Goodwill's.

LOVE them. 

Finding things like this....

 Home-made quilt, with the makers little note and signature on back....LOVE- If I could share with her how much I love it, and what a warm loving home it went to, I would.  (Half of the proceeds of this 11.00 quilt, went to the Lake Havasu Humane Society-Double Holla!)  I washed it with my yummy soaps, and Downy Softener, laid here to air dry- Delish smelling!

 Hello ceramic bowl....so nice to meet you....

While I shopped, I'd receive this picture of my handsome birdie.....

I love you too baby....

 And because I get the giggles over the most silliest of silly.  I don't own a pair of "ankle socks"- Or whatever work with these boots...I tried to roll down a pair of Bill's.  And to say I didn't almost pee myself, and laugh that ugly laugh for too long over this...well, I did.  Just looking at this picture.  Freak. 

You guys....have you ever laughed hard at something so silly?

And this. 

Shelly sent this to me, and I thought.....yes.  

Laughter, and love.  Good for my soul.

And to my friends in the midst of the storms in life.  Remember.....

"This too shall pass"-

And it might just be shark week. 

Love and Light,

This Mama Lisa

ps. Kris is doing great.  Had a great time, and probably glad he's back because he had 20 missed calls from his mom.  

She's crazy like that. 

Love.   

It's all just love, baby. 

Learning To Fly----- Day Ninety....

I have a prescription in my binder.  My Mama Warrior Binder.  The one I carry around, and have since Day 1 of transplant.  In that binder carries important documents.  Summary sheets showing inclinations and declination.  This binder carries a prescription recently offered to my son. For depression.

Before he was discharged last week I had a long conversation with his PA.  (Physician Assistant)-She was on his side. She knew his outdoors ways.  Ants in his pants, and always out on the water. To be slammed down.  Hard. She's one that I have felt from day one is simply kick ass, and thee most important element in this journey.  She's fist bumped him from the very day we met her, and always cracked jokes about his tattoos. Never passing judgement, even when at times he had what I swore was truth serum flowing through his IV.  If I could share with you what he shared with medical/clerical teams, you'd pee your pants.  I almost shit mine. Several times.

We arrived home on Sunday evening...and I kind of felt like a bird landing on the edge of a nest. 

He wasn't home.  I took the time to unpack my bags, and admire a super clean house- thank you Jen- I've always said, it's the little things.  And to me, returning to a clean house goes down as actually a big thing. 

Jen dropped him off, and the discussion of food began. Something that he is obsessed with. 

Food.

Soon, he'd "mention" to me about his "plans" to head to San Diego with his buddy to do some photography.  

Leaving Monday after appointments...and on and on he went. 

I stayed quiet. 

He shared more.

I stayed quiet. 

Monday morning we'd begin our normal routine.  He'd start in again about his trip. 

I would deny approval.  Soon, sharing how I really felt.

He'd argue back.

Final decision would be "let's ask your doctor"-

As we made our path up to City Of Hope, he went on and on about how good he felt. 

I could see it in his face.  Most certainly, could see it in his appetite, and demeanor.

Something you can't describe unless you've taken this journey.  Their demeanor.  It speaks volumes.

He weighed 120 lbs a month ago.  Walking with assistance 1 month ago.  So weak!

First stop, labs.

Second stop, doc.

She was waiting for us.  She's always so kind and loving when she sees him. 

Hugs, and warm loving greetings to us both.

Her first words are "you look so good Kristopher"-

He always seems a tad bit nervous. To me, he does. 

I guess you just know your kid.  

Not to mention, I told him he'd have to get her permission for any day trips. 

Any trips, for that matter. 

He'd agree.

He began to ask her about San Diego.  Photographing with some friends.  On a boat.

In the ocean.  Not close to home. 

I sat and listened.  Making sure however he planned to ice it, would be re-iced with my icing.

The nag. 

She agreed, but only if he stayed out of the sun.  

The boat.  The ocean.  The sun.

She went on and on about how he needs to get on with his life.  How getting out and living a normal life is what he needs.  

I began to ask what the whole 100 days thing means. 

Why is there so much pressure on us for protection during these days...etc.

Her reply was it's most vital for meds and rejection.  Watching his liver.  Heart. Lungs, gut and eyes.

That he's at the level now, that is still delicate.  A very new immune system. Like a newborn baby.

Newborns don't eat uncooked food, and we certainly don't expose them to things that would compromise them.

But....she said, he needs to get back into the rhythm of life.  To learn to get through the next hundreds of hundreds of days.  

Just to keep an eye on his "body's fuel system"-

Most important, to be aware.

We went over his counts, his amazing new weight gain.  His med sheet, which still continues to blow me away.  Discontinuing two, adding two. One being, fish oil.  The fat that is created due to anti-rejection meds causing concern.  And to me, keeping natural fish oil in the game, is most welcome.

A cute part of the story, is his doctor followed my suggestion of starting his oral chemo at 50mg. versus the 100mg.  That switch will hopefully allow his tastebuds to gradually do their thing.  We all know what will happen.  

She asked how my weekend away was...and just how proud she is of Kris.  She almost pinches his cheeks. 

There's a glow in the room.  Doctors know this fight.  Not quite a victory.  But the fight.

It's almost as though they are the coach in the boxing ring.  Wiping the cheeks.  Pumping them up. 

Encouraging, and pushing. At this point, encouraging to get out and on with life. 

Then there's Mom.

This road has been the hardest thing I've ever done. I am still scared.  I wish I could say I don't think bad things will happen.  I wish I could say he's healed and cured.  I wish I could protect him from viruses, and most important infection. I wish I could hover over him and make the bad things stay away.  

Truth is....I can't.

I can just pray that he stays safe.  That his doctors give boundaries that allow him to stay healthy.

And that I don't have to walk into the pharmacy with yet another prescription.

Only this one being- Zyprexa for depression.  

Let's just do this organically.  And live life to the fullest.  While he can.  

Day 90.

First text. 7:30am 

San Diego.  With friends.  Taking pictures of what he does best. Fishing poles, and fishing friends.

My reply to him- "I love you so much honey"

Stay smart.

Counts---------

WBC 13.2

RBC 3.25

Platelets 131

Here's a peek at what I look at every week, twice a week.  Changing every Monday and Thursday-

Highlights in green, are what he takes daily.  Twice daily.

I wish you all a sweet day. 

And I thank you for the love and support.....

Your friendship, love and support is what keeps my heart from breaking into a million pieces....

To my family, I thank you. 

And Kyoko, thank you.  For this today.  Thank you.  

Happy Tuesday! 

This Mama Lisa

The day before diagnosis-

Flu like symptoms. August 19th-2015

Oh Lord .....have mercy on my baby....August 20th, 2015

 Mama and Bird on day of discharge, post transplant.  February 4th 2016

When you see it.  Stapled up there by his parents April 7th 2016, while mama sipped one....two
 super stiff drink(s).  FOX'S ON THE COLORADO RIVER- PARKER ARIZONA

When Rain Slows Us Down.

It's currently Sunday morning. We're tucked away in Havasu, alone. Something I looked so forward to this time last week. My only hiccup, was the worry of Kris. He was coming out of the hospital filled with every antibiotic and antiviral med necessary. By Tuesday he was eating full meals and asking for the next within hours. On Wednesday night I hooked him to what I hope and believe was his last TPN. Unhooking at 6. Taking the pole down, stashing the med box, and heading out. Jen and Kris tucked away to sleep a little more as we jetted down the road to a place that gives us a little slice of freedom. The freedom we were in search of was sleep for me. And work for Bill. Hearing that the highway we normally take (40) would possibly be closed due to a wild fire, he decided that another route and different path would not only allow him to personally meet and drop product to his customer is Joshua Tree, but a different path. Something new.  I've heard of this place for years. Arriving to eat at the cutest, cleanest diner in the 20 light signal town. I'd notice a thrift store. Scoring a homemade ceramic casserole dish. That 70's look that still grabs ahold of my heart. Two cute mugs and down the road we went. Before we walked out I witnessed the owner pray over and with two homeless gals.
The signage out front another reminder to me.  Remember I said how I pray for signs. I sent it to a friend in need of the same. Of Faith.

As I mentioned before, it's so hard to live a normal life with the constant worry of the "what-if's"--
One phone call. One lab result. One virus.

We'd get back on the road. HWY 62. Hundred miles in the middle of no where. That fleeting feeling of going. Away. Far.
Jen would soon text me...first a cute picture of my dude. Same spot. Bedside in doc room. Smiling through his mask. And then.....his counts....


Mondays WBC were at about 6- Thursday WBC 7.5!
Platelets 104!
He weighs 130!
RBC 3.25


Today is Day 88. He's been out and about this weekend. Something his doctor pushed to battle through this tiny bit of depression that was chasing his tail. His appetite is up (minor steroid meds for GVHD taken 3x daily)- Receiving a picture of them parked against the harbor side, enjoying lunch staring out at the ocean he loves so much.


We've been to dinners and out to breakfast while here in havasu. Something we try not to indulge in
often to just save money, and health. It has rained almost every day we've been here. The kids and I
all swapping pictures of what we're up to. Normally we pack and go Sunday morning. Most important because my planning ways have always been "get home and be prepared" for the week. It's 10:30am. It's pouring. The lake is covered with a fog like I've never witnessed. My kids are awake, alive and okay.
I'm healthy and thankful. I spent the weekend with my best friend. The man that will still hug me tight, wiping my tears because I still can't get through an entire day with dropping some tears. Kinda laughing at times, especially when timing isn't the best. A restaurant. A dive bar when a song comes on that reminds me of my childhood. Realizing I would never know just how strong or what my chapter book would play out like. Bob Segar...Against the wind-- melt me....dangit.
We had lunch and walked a boat show with my cousins. Had dinner with a long time friend we hadn't visited with for years.
Met new friends, a fine gentleman "Leroy"- a man in his fresh eighties. A story teller that has led a successful life. Still flying his airplane from Scottsdale. The type of man filled with graceful stories from the 60,70 and 80's...married to the love of his for 55 years.

I told Bill last night, I'm always in awe of hearing boating stories. When elders speak, it's just a different vibe. Genuine really. No cell phones, no social media competition of life. The real life hard stuff rolled out organically... I hope to cross paths with him again. He had me captivated.


Well the rain will stop. The roads will hopefully clear. The moments of memories we made this weekend will go down as another few pages.
Funniest being my cute black top worn  INSIDE OUT to dinner last night, then to The Office (Bar)---

And we didn't even drink yesterday! Hahahaa. I probably felt Bill walking into the room, and my freakish shy side had me slamming it on too fast. HAHA!!

Goes to show you, people don't care. Designer shoes? Don't care. Designer bag? Don't care.
Inside out black super cute lace top? Don't care. There was a huge tag out too! Hahaha
Wonder if someone didn't have the balls to tell me. Would you? I certainly would. Booger in your nose? No. Shirt inside out? Yes.

Wishing you all a great week! Back to City Of Hope tomorrow...a place where a fight you see in humanity is real. Bald heads, masks, wheelchairs and ports. They fight. Because they always know there is HOPE.

Remember to be kind. It starts with your smile. Share it, and help mend a broken heart.

This Mama Lisa...

Wishing I could stay and dance in the rain, but I miss my babies...

Ps. My thrift store hunting here landed us a homemade quilt. Another cute white bowl. And a candle holder. Ten bucks for all, and a happy mama.

PSS. Blogging from ipad...grammar errors, on full blast!

Saturday Read...

Thank you Sumaira-

My friend from London sent me an email Wednesday afternoon.  It's always refreshing to receive an email or message from her.  Her quick apology for sending me so many messages, where in fact, I respond with her PLEASE do not apologize.  The one thing I've learned along this journey, is sharing this story with those who are either going through it, or have been through it.  Keeping in mind always that no one is the same.  From meds, to side effects.  Everyone is different. Her son Sajjad is about a week behind Kris.

One thing that never changes is the love in motherhood. 

That will never change.  And it doesn't matter their age.  You are a mama warrior for life.  Forever. 

There's a common ground.  

We discussed TPN, and just how crazy it is.  Kind of chuckling inside because for those that know me, I've been squimish from day one.  And now I am flushing a port.  Go figure. 

But you know, motherhood.  

Get out of my way.

She sent me this link. 

Cancer Life As A Mom or Dad...really.....

So much truth.  And whether your child is 19 months old, or 26 years old. It's all relative. 

Cancer is a mother-f'er.  And it will tackle a family to the ground.

But what blossoms from it, is the beauty. 

From friends.  From family.  From friends you meet across the world.

Read on....

I certainly hope you never have to check any of these off of your list. 

And when you think life sucks because you have bills, or last week at work when we all laughed together as our mama coworker (Hi Manya) bitched about her subway sandwich not being cut all the way through....hahaha. 

Remembering....life.

It's a sandwich.  She laughed with us as we pointed it out.  HAHA!

Happy Saturday.  Big hugs Sumaira.  Thank you for your continuous love and support in as you call it...dreary London-  We hope to visit you and Sajjad someday, maybe on our way to visit Germany-

God willing.

This Mama Warrior for LIFE Lisa Lynn

Enjoy This Message.

  

Happy Friday friends....enjoy this day.  Most important, be thankful.  And humble. 

 

Humble And Kind

 Big hugs....and smiles.  Even through tears. Just try to smile.

This Mama Lisa

ps- A link from my friend Sumaira on blog tomorrow-  To my fellow cancer family fighters....
Holla on this truth!  

And When One Aunt Says.....

Last week we'd receive an email from one of our aunts.  It would read along the lines of how great our other aunt is.  The one aunt that has been there for every.single.one.of.us.  On some level or the other.  She has.

From births, sport games, birthday celebrations on a Wednesday night in downtown LA at 5pm. She'll arrive at 7am to stand by your side because you're having a procedure and you're alone.  She's there.

Her commitment to family is strong.  She has a sharp tongue that would offend some, me included at times.  But she has a heart that will overcome the hardest moments and days.  She's a rock for the term "Family"-

She loves to see kids and teens thrive and do well.  First academics, second being sports. 

She's competitive.  She has the prettiest eyes, and legs of all. 

She's been a mother to me.  To my sister.  To some of my other cousins.  

She's celebrating a birthday today.  I went through my many folders of pictures this morning.  Smiling as I'd make my way through family. Easters. Christmas. Christmas Eve where we all gather at the cemetery.  She's always there.  

There was a point where she lived in Thousand Oaks. Would drive to Rancho Cucamonga for a birth of a new cousin, just because she wanted us to feel protected.  And love.

  She's beautiful and awesome.   They've become an army of protectors for us.  

For family. 

And just as my other aunt "Susie" says....."let's show her love and birthday wishes as she does us"-

Annette....."Nettie".....has never missed a birthday card to us.  To our kids.  To our parents.  To my cousins.  To my other family members. 

She never misses.  Ever.

Happy Birthday, you rock of love.  And spirit.  Most of all-------- Strength-  

For that, I will always be thankful. 

 May you enjoy the day with your lover hubby.  With those that surround you with the feeling of love.

But most of all, peace.

Happy Birthday Nettie! 

Your admiring niece...

Lisa

To My Fellow Warriors

Last night was one of those silly, weird ones. The ones that you collapse into bed and feel so tired, and yet your mind begins the breakdown of "Life"-  Driving home from work I was on the phone with my Dad. Along with my Mom in the background.  Speaker phone is the rave in their house. And so I shared the latest and greatest.

One of the things my Dad said was "I wish I were there to help you and do that iv, because I would"-

Truth is, he would.  And I know that. But he's not. And I've always just understood. It's who they are.  No gamechanging here kids. 

He went on to say that I can handle it.  And myself agreeing and hearing how I've always been a leader.  The child that wouldn't sit still, and had a mad drive to learn.  And do.  

Where I thrive is "fixing" things.  Or at least trying to.

Only thing now, is I am tired.  And I can't really fix something that is in God's hands.  

I get myself all worked up over something so silly as an IV bag.  A bag that somehow I failed or it failed me last night.  After making one last pee round at 11pm last night, I could hear its temperamental beeping.  A beep that sounded like none I'd heard before. 

He was passed out. 

So I took the thing down.  It kept telling me "Reservoir Blocked" ---

I rolled him on his back. Dug around his port.  Moved lines. Adjusted the beep. Took the battery out.  Put the battery back in. Looked for bubbles like a scientist. Cursed at it. Tried to wake him to help me.  (-----------> Hello Ambien)- And called it an f'n jerk.  Unhooked him. Flushed his port. Capped him.  Rolled him back over.  Turned fan down.  Dropped the bag off in kitchen.  Sat in living room.  Re-group and headed to bed.  I had the most fiercest dreams all night.  None, being good. 

Waking this morning at 5, I wanted to go to the gym. But....I'm waiting for our home health nurse to call me back.

This full TPN bag sitting on my table.  Kind of going through the process of what I feel in my gut as
a mom. Did this thing fail me? Did I fail it? Is this meant to be?  Hang tight and be patient Lisa.
There's no other way. IT. WAS. HIS. LAST. BAG.

But alas, I'm at the mercy of medical.  

His friend called him a day ago telling him that his cancer had returned.  After transplant a year ago.

My stomach churned like a blender.  Wishing the truth would be hidden and reality wasn't to be told.

Things go wrong in life. It's just life.  Whether it's money.  Business. Failure. Relationships.  We all want to eventually wear the winning crown.  Somehow it seems that this life portrays this game to win.  But the truth is, there's always gonna be failure.  Everywhere.  My Dad told me years ago.  EVERY single family. Person. Life. Relationship. Business...has peaks and valleys.  Think about that.  You can't always ride on the high horse.  Even if you're the richest of the richest. Are you rich in spirit? Emotion?  

Health and your children lie hand in hand.  It's not until you are in this ring of fight do you see and

feel and hear it differently.  I see people sharing the latest and greatest of fancy and schmancy.  For one, it's never rocked my boat.  I could care less about fancy cars. (Except fast hot rods...)- And big fancy houses. 

I just want to get him better and hope that the c word doesn't come back. 

I want to see him silly again. Laughing and fishing. And walking across the beach to take pictures.  

This new life is worth working through.  These new stems are delicate little beauties. We will get there. 

To my fellow mama warriors---

"The warrior's path, women are fierce.  They remain fiercely impassive under any conditions. They don't demand anything, yet they are willing to give anything of themselves.  They fiercely seek a signal from the spirit of things in the form of a kind word, an appropriate gesture; and when they get it, they express their thanks by redoubling their fierceness. In the warrior's path, women don't judge.  They fiercely reduce themselves to nothing in order to listen, to watch, so that they can conquer and be humbled by their conquest or be defeated and be enhanced by their defeat.  In a warrior's path, women don't surrender. They may be defeated a thousand times, but they never surrender.  And above all, in the warrior's path, women are free."

I read this quote and I thought of my many mama friends, and family mama warrior's.  

Day Eighty Four. 

May your Wednesday be filled with love. And most of all, good health.

When I mention the notion of being the strong willed second born, type A daughter, it's a finicky mess when trying to roll into my older years while stumbling through these types of days.  In fact, these are the days where I should surrender my tired body and just simply ask for help.  Especially all the help offered to me. 

Considering at times I feel like I'm breaking. 

But I won't.  I will continue on the warrior mom I am.  Fighting for him while he's with me.

Some others have never been given that chance. 

More love and peace to come,

This Warrior Mama Lisa

ps. my lover and I are stepping away for a little early birthday get-away this weekend. Part of me gets excited to just maybe sleep and day drink. While the other...well you know.  That darn word called worry.

Building A New Body

Last night while cleaning up dinner.  A dinner for just Kris and I.  Biscuits and gravy, with a side of scrambled eggs.  Served on trays.  On my bed.  Trying to keep him just as cozy as I could see he was.  His taste buds and stomach are pretty tore up again. (Hello Chemo) But nothing he can't get through.  Just like he always does.  

I had myself all worked up over the silly TPN.  A tired body and mind.  And the process to hook him up. 

Pulling out that dreaded needle. Those long tubes.  I know it's self inflicted, because I am a freak.  But I have myself in a nut shell. 

I decided to try to make the biscuits and gravy because he had no appetite. It's kind of my staple, and go-to when nothing else sounds good.  And, ya...if you think firing up the stove to put biscuits in at 5 o' clock felt delicious and sticky hot. It did.And it sucked---

He ate.  Just a little, but he did. 

Soon, I'd clear the plates, clean the kitchen up.  And decide to break down the med sheet.  Finding that one med needs to be cut in half (for blood-pressure)-  And it didn't have that little slice divider on it, so cutting with a knife on a paper plate was all the rave.  

My patience and mental breakdown was nearing. 

He fell asleep on my bed, to soon be woken by mom to move to his room.  Offering a shower because I could smell his aroma- LOL

I did my nursing stuff.  Hooked him up.  Took a shower, crawling into bed to have eyes and a body that said..."hello we aren't sleepy"- 

I tossed and turned hearing the beeping and rhythm of that iv cart.  Only thing, I don't think it was beeping.

My mind raced out of sheer craziness.

I was so scared to be alone with him.  After leaving a place that takes such good care of him.  He's home on my watch.  Something I truly trip out on, is the notion that they leave the responsibility of that iv for me. 

Needle.  Tubes.  IV.  I always used to hear stories of "bubbles" getting in the lines...etc.  killing people.  Ya, have you read that?

And now, I'm hooking my son up.  And paranoid all night.  

Realizing an hour or so later that I might have left his bedroom window open, I'd sneak back in to close.  To walk in with his pale face, mouth wide open and this frail dude sound asleep. 

Only thing was.....you know what crossed my crazy ass mind.  

SHIT!  

So I put my hand on his chest.  Breathing bird.  Sound asleep.

Walking back to my room. 

Prayers of thankfulness and grace. 

Waking this morning at 5am to disconnect him.  Headed to the gym.  Grocery store.  Walk with him down the block -hip-hip-hoooorrayyy-!!!

And to the pharmacy.  Back home, and now I'm at work.

I put a Tri-Tip in the crock pot, and I can't tell you how much I yearn to eat.  Hook him back up to that machine.  And.....

Crawl.  Into.  Bed.

Day Eighty Three.  

Just another day to help him thrive.  Gain some weight.  A good attitude.  Lots of LOVE and most of all health!

Happy Taco Tuesday kids!

Go be kind.....and remember to love.  And pray for this dude.  And us. While we help him build a new body---

City Of Hope April 2, 2016

City Of Hope April 3, 2016

City Of Hope April 4, 2016- Driving home.....

   

Our littlest birdie with her little sorority sister on Sunday.  

And pure joy watching this birdie bathe while I ate lunch yesterday----

ps- sorry for not calling/texting those back I've missed.  I seriously become overwhelmed with my phone.

This Mama Lisa

Let's Do This Baby....

First and foremost, and to pat myself on the back, and pinch my own cheeks...Bill and I went to the gym this morning. And yesterday morning. If there's one thing I hear from people, and witness on some..is they say a good workout helps push the body, and ease the soul. A sort of mental massage.
And whoever made that thought process, is totally right. The only problem is, I really have always loathed the gym. I'm a germaphobe. I'm self conscious. I'm awkward with machines. And I don't care for cardio. I will walk the Earth. But the gym and I? Umm. Well..

Anyway...We arrived back home this morning. Feeling rather good! Very good, and with a pep in my step. After spending the weekend at a place we've come to know pretty well, I'd pack less with the hopes to bring him home. Dr. Farol basically told him he's good to go, it's a common cold and the last final cultures and labs would be in today.
Texting him, and cruising on down the road I'd begin my process of thankful prayer. Something I've become a pro at. This relationship I have with God is something else. He's really got my back. He most  definitely has my sons back.
I arrived opening the soft door to his room, getting that sweet dimple smile from him. Asking if Dr. Sahebi stopped by yet. Nope.
I'd make my way in to find discharge paperwork. Soon, the phone rang and the PA whom I LOVE was on the line. His labs look good. WBC 6.4 platelets still down. New prescription for a steroid for his stomach, along with the option for his long term anxiety and mild depression. She went on to explain how hard these transplants are for the body. They gave him a lethal dose of radiation. And for people that go through this, after living a very active young lifestyle are basically slammed to the ground in sheer exhausted depression. She had come in earlier and had a good heart to heart with him. She/they want him to get up and get out. That he must fight through the hardest days in search of the best days. There will be days he can't get up and out, but he has to try.
She wanted his actual doctor to decide whether one more night would be necessary in order to keep an eye on the oral chemo that was started on Saturday.

His doctor would arrive within the hour and he explained his stomach wasn't hurting from the Sprycel (oral chemo) that in fact, it was the GVHD. She obliged and agreed his discharge. Handing me another new prescription and papers from our discharge coordinator.
Soon, our nurse would make her way in giving the green light, but not without Kris asking for a port change and clean. (This dude is on it for his port) - his doctor giving one last order to continue the TPN for 2 more nights. ------> Picture me standing there with the coward fake smile on my face. Ugh!

He'd be in a wheelchair and headed down stairs within 30 minutes. I looked like the normal pack mule Mom, hauling a rolled up bed mat he LOVES, his backpack and my 15 bags. JK LOL!
Pulling away, his quiet demeanor. Me rubbing the top of his buzz top head, and down the freeway we'd go.
First call from home. The pharmacy. Of course they're out the medicine he needs tonight. Ordering for tomorrow's pickup.

He's laying in my bed. A full tummy from a smoothie Jen made him. A room with fresh linens waiting for him. TPN bags in the kitchen waiting for my mad nursing skills at 7.

But for now, it's Moms bed.

Is there any better place?

Day Eighty Two. Thank you for the love. For the prayers. For the positive vibes.
For the texts' and calls. For the peaceful wishes you send him.

If there's one thing that crawls deep under my skin is when people tell him "oh you pushed it too far huh"-

Stop.

Seriously stop.

If you haven't been on his path. In his shoes. Heard what our doctors and nurses tell him.
Stop.

Happy Monday to you, from me.

Love,

This nursing, back to cooking and hovering Mama!

Ps. Have a cold, or bug in your home? Stay away por de favor!

A simple running nose is a nightmare for him...

XO

Day Eighty

Well, GOOD MORNING!

After tucking myself into a freshly washed linen filled bed last night it was all my blessings tucked in with me and more.
Yesterday morning I spent those hours from hovering, in exchange for cleaning. And like a mad woman I tore Kris' room apart. He's been tucked away in a room for almost 2 months. Something I don't like to disturb is dust, and his room. A little sanctuary, if you will.
Kris and Jen were tucked away in room 5211, doing what they sadly do during this chapter. Hospital love. Her bed pulled out (recliner). His bed slightly layered in a blanket from home. And that IV cart humming and clicking away.
I cleaned, moved things around and watched Kali pack up her room for the trek back to SM. For some reason, harder this time than the last.
Texting him with the words "I'll be there just after noon"-
Our big push, is food. What he's craving. As crazy as this sounds, but not surprising, he actually likes the hospitals Menudo. (I've peeked into the kitchen one day cruising down to radiation and I can see why it's so good) -Authentico!

I arrived with lunch, and we'd all graze from a local trusted place. He'd tell me the virus he has is pretty much "a cold"- it's always amazing to think of how germs, and gunk can make its way to someone. I started to tear apart in my thoughts of where it could come from. Either a family member carrying it in, or the hospital we visit twice weekly. Either way, it's a weakened immune system, and the reminder to him just how much washing vigorously is important. Reminding to keep hands away from eyes and mouth. And well, you know...he's trying to just live and FEEL better. When, in reality he feels like shit every single day. Fatigue and mild depression sitting deep into his soul.

I'd soon get him up for a shower. And a walk. Two laps before he called it done. Asking if he'd want to cruise up to 6th floor in search of our favorite nurse. His quick, but sweet side smile with a head shake "No"- Truth is, he really wants nothing to do with that place.
I had my normal case of the giggles when the guy nurse came in carrying the longest piece of Saran Wrap. He was gonna cover, and send Kris in with the IV cart, and attached to shower. I almost spit my water out, laughing in the corner as my most polite, and thankful dude walked him through "how we normally have it done"-- I couldn't stop laughing, even as he showered standing in that little frothy shower. Kris finally saying Mom, is it that funny?!
Freak. I'm a freak.
Sick laughter is my weakness--

Anyway, what a beautiful Sunday. I woke at 6. A reorganized super clean house. A room empty from a college girl. A purified room for my boy.  A day to count as thankful. Something I actually pondered on this morning, and excuse me while I digress for a second. I play this game called candy crush. I've been playing it for a year. I suck. But I love it. I will not pay the .99 to advance. I literally will be on the same level for months. And months. I'm still in the hundreds. Somehow (Hi Krissoffer) updated it. This morning I couldn't help but the shiny beautifulness in the layout. There's this donut looking thing covered in sprinkles that knocks the shit out of like massive candy. It's even more beautiful right now. I kept trying to advance. But I couldn't. 4 rounds. And this thing popped up on the bottom when you end. Before the next round.

GIVE UP


It says "Give Up"-

I chuckled inside.

I will NEVER EVER give up. Fighting for this new life. New stem cells that are working hard. Kris
Who is the machine, thriving but hurting. Physically and emotionally. He's broken inside.
He wants to get on the ocean. The grass. The sand. The road. Drive his cars. Smother his girl. Share laughter down in Mexico - A place he holds closer to his heart, than Havasu-
A boat. Dropping lines in the water to soon hear friends chant their words they do when something snags the line.
He's my true warrior. My hero.

Day Eighty. More med changes. Oral chemo started. TPN running at night. He's eating. He's smiling through his frustration. He hugs me and loves on his girl.
City Of Hope covers their bases making sure they take care. His doctor stopping by yesterday on his day off. That's badass, really.

Strength. We pray for strength. For love to him. He needs love. And Grace.

A quote I read this morning,while creeping social media--


~ The thing about life is that you must survive. Life is going to be difficult, and dreadful things will happen. What you do is move along, and get on with it, and be tough. Not in the sense of being mean to others, but being tough with yourself and making a deadly effort not to be defeated ~
Katherine Hepburn-

I'm gonna head out for a walk. My prayers will be plentiful. My body is able. My mind is tired but able.

Next stop, City Of Hope.

To my most handsome, head full of hair growing, skinny but thriving bird.

And the food suggestions start.....Now.

Happy Sunday Peace Lovers.

Never give up.

This Mama Warrior Lisa

Pray he comes home tomorrow!

Labs should be back tonight! First round of snot rocket showed "a cold"~

WASH your hands people! And DONT touch your face! Ears, eyes, lips, mouth!

No Fools Joked-

Day 78. Jen would call me around 2pm. Kali had just left. So the two of them were sitting outside enjoying some fresh air and sunshine. Soon, Kris would start to tremble. Lightly at first, and something we've grown to see because of the tacrolimus and it's sides effects. Only this time, it continued. And continued. And grew stronger and more apparent. Jen would call me and I asked to speak with him. His shaking voice told me something wasn't right. Kali thought maybe a panic attack. However I had no idea. Jen, the always calm one said...I think it's getting better. Soon he'd go to the bathroom and puke. I came home to take his temp. It read 100. Then 102. Then 101. I took his socks and beanie off. Called his doctor on the way home and he said take him to triage. Something we'd learn is the best around. Bill and I loaded our boy who was a tad but upset, and bummed into the car. All he asked for was his favorite bed therapeutic pad. Backpack. Lap top. And Jen.
Triage bound at 4:00 605 South. Praises to carpool. You walk in, and they MOVE.

He had no temp when we arrived. However they immediately started hydration and one gusto antibiotic. They also took every culture under the sun. From 6 blood cultures. Adding one from opposite non-port side (to check if infection is coming from port). To urine. And he blew a snot rocket into a cup so they will watch to see growth. Nose swabbed. You name it. On it.
We finally got up to his room at 8:30. Room on the 5th. What seemed to be a quiet area. We put his pad on. I chatted with the nurse. Going over the many meds and changes, along with questioning when they'd administer his meds for the night. Jen making her bed next to him in a recliner. 9:00pm, helping him brush his teeth. Doing what they've done for the last 8 months. The hospital. Their love. This chapter. Together.
Bill and I pulled away back on the freeway at 9:30pm. All I could say was ....."just making us better and stronger"
And Jamie the nurse in Triage was amazing! Just pushed peace into this mama's soul..

He will stay for the next couple of days as they try to find out where infection may be. It could of been a cold, or flu. Someone you visit or visits you can carry something, leaving it behind.
Whatever the case may be, we are praying for a healthy dude.
For these days to pass. For love to grow, versus viral gunk.
We pray his lungs are clear, along with his organs.

I'll keep this updated as I can.

City Of Hope holds lots of good caring nurses and love.

Kris will get through this!

Love, and Happy Weekend of smiles to you,

This Warrior Mama Lisa

Friday's Tid-Bit's

What a beautiful day...........I have a full day of work.  But to drive in on bare freeways, and sunshine mixed with birds chirping....life is good. 

Fed my thriving bird his normal breakfast of whatever sounds good.  Plus a yogurt, to which he never really eats.  But ate.  Along with a handful of pills.  Starting Chemo this afternoon.

Sometimes I wake with kindness flowing from my veins, while other days I make my path to the kitchen to pour that cup o' jo for simple reasons, like alertness.  Sad truth...that some of us rely on coffee to just speak.

I actually served myself a super cold cup of water first.  As I made my way past Kris' room, he politely lays there waiting to hear me wake.  The moment I open my door, I assume his heart settles, and kind of like a baby in a crib..."Morning Mom"-  In those terms it meant..."Unhook me"-

My reply was, "Sure honey one sec...let me wake up just two more minutes"-  

I lay a towel out.  Pull my syringe.  My alcohol wipes.  My little green cap for the port.

And I get started.  On the release of the TPN that gives him new chances.  Last night Kali and I could smell the aroma.  It smells like baby formula, only colored as Gatorade.

As Kali and I were "priming" before starting the infusion last night, we smiled at eachother.  Just how crazy these pages are in the chapter book. Those moments that make us actually stare and chuckle.

Deep inside, when I wake in the middle of the night and hear things down the hallway, it's kind of like having a newborn, or baby...and you hear things that aren't even worthy of getting up.  But your Mama ears make you get up. Sometimes I hear beeps, other times I hear the clank of the iv cart moving down the hallway. 

26 years later. 

And if you think I feel bad-ass for nailing this chapter.  

I do.

The minute I take this needle out of the little pack, my stomach flutters like a mo-fo. 

And yet, I charge on. 

As I drove to work this morning, I received a text from one of Kris' longtime friends. 

New life.  A new baby to join this Earth in November.

My reminder to her to journal. To keep notes and a little journal of these days. 

I remember eating an entire box of Kraft macaroni and cheese like a hungry husky dog at 2 months pregnant.

To want to puke it back up the minute I would see the arches at McDonalds.  ew.

The movies that were popular,  like Turner and Hootch. 

The music.  The sights and smells.  All of it. 

I was a journal junkie. I am quite sure you are not surprised.  

You would not believe the things I've saved.  And journal'd for my babes.

Guess it falls under the child that has no childhood goodies tend to over hoard for hers. LOL!

My other thought that I didn't share with her, and held it in.

"Buckle-Up" little one. 

B.U.C.K.L.E.   U.P.

How sweet is new life. 

This miracle. 

As for me?  I've been wearing red lipstick.  And that alone is a miracle.

Feeling tired and worn down?

Toss on some red lipstick.  Works every time. White pale skin?  Red Lipstick.

Tear stained cheeks. Red Lipstick.  Dark circles.  Red Lipstick. Can't decide what clothes to wear cuz it's ten degrees in the morning and 95 by afternoon.  Red Lipstick.

It's Friday. Red Lipstick.

kidding. 

Tuh' Duh'!    Happy Friday!

Later.

Keep pressin on. And don't look back. 

I've been dreaming of days filled with laughter, good wine and good friends...

 

This Mama Lisa