Those Friends.

Friends send you pictures that remind them of you. 

The funny thing was just Monday morning while driving to work, I was next to a big white station wagon. 

Trying to snap a picture with my phone of this guy buzzing down the 605 fwy with his right arm slung across the passenger seat, cruising on down the road with the look of pure ease and peace gleaming from his soul.  There's me.  Trying to capture his car. So badly wanting to send it to Donna from my desk when I got there.

Because Donna Crow.  The friend I met in Kindergarten class as Kristopher and Paula were five years old.  And we were the only two mama's that would love to love and help organize that teachers class for parties. Little events.  Wiping hands down, or helping some get settled to sit and listen. Learning more about eachother, building a new friendship as the kids scurried around us on the play yard.

Donna Crow the friend that would later teach me how to make thee best potato soup.  Teaching me that tending to little ones was better than scrubbing a house to shine.  Taking the time to walk down the street to be with each other.  And our kids.  Cooking. Watching them play with guinea pigs, and jump on the trampoline. 

Taking that big white station wagon to the drive in movies. 

Donna Crow that same mama that dropped dinner off for me when Kali was a few weeks old, and yet again, I was on my own.  She rescued me on the hard days. 

Driving back down last month to drop more cookies off.  Sending me an email with the strength and love behind her because I know she knows my grief.

She lives in Frazier Park.  Not too close kids....

Because she's Donna. 

And this picture she sent me....is everything.

All truth. 

For both me, and for her. 

We are WARRIORS!

Can I get an AMEN?!!!

Happy Thursday lovers and warriors!!

Kanya West, is a DOUCHE-BAG.  that's all.  k bye-

This Mama Lisa

Forty EIGHT Years. Together.

They never leave each others side.  As a matter of fact....at all.  

They've been together since they were young teens. 

Weathered more storms than they probably like to recall....

But haven't we all.

You can't change their ways, but you can be impressed that they hold on tight.  

To one another. 

I'm always grateful to say "parents"-  Without separating their parenthood.

Happy Anniversary you two love birds.

I'm happy that you are happy in your nest.  

Well, not really completely because I wish that you would fly down a tad bit more...

But you know....life.  It has a way of not always going my way.  Or our way.

I hope you can get out to lunch to your favorite bbq spot tomorrow.  

I know the wind and rain is a bit scary for today. 

Tomorrow....

Making it 48 years and 1 day. 

I love you.  Thanks for bringing me here to Earth. 

This Mama Warrior Sassy second born....Lisa Lynn

Pure Love.

Through trauma, and crisis, you learn to love differently.  It's interesting how fast the shift changes in this part of life.  Or these chapters, because really, we never expect for it to roll out that way.

When Kris met Jen, if I keep things honest here, I really didn't want to get close. I didn't want to tangle my heart, or our hearts  for it to change later.  Or heartbreak. I tend to love those that love my kids.  And so, I kept a tiny guard up.  Always looking over his shoulder.  Quietly observing.  Keeping my guarded distance. 

Yet, finding little slices of things about her that I adored.  

For one, she and him seemed to blend with animals.  With the love for dogs especially, and the love of the great wide ocean. 

He got along well with her parents, and loved to spend every single day with her. 

And so, you know how it goes....you love...them. Her.  The two of them together. 

As everyone, they'd battle life.  Issues. Bickering at the ripe age of 25.  Getting through life learning how to spend, save, live, learn and grow. 

Little by little we'd all hang out and party at the lake, or the beach and laugh along the same lines.  We began to build trust, between us all.  More than trust, we all started to feel love.  And compassion.  We shared common interests, and Bill and I began to see a side of her that was different than the rest.  She would always stand up for herself, and most always take care of him.  Him first. She did. We'd protect her, and guide them both if needed. It was something that came to fruition with time.  

Cracking up at the lake, tossing back wine, and smiling before this chapter.   

During the first days of Kris' diagnosis, she stood tall.  Not just for him, but for me. For us. For Kali and for Bill.  She stared at me that first night in ER and said..."we'll get through it"-  I could hardly breathe.  I couldn't stand up.  And I wanted to vomit. 

Her big blue eyes stared at me, and she murmured...we'll get through Leese.  We will.  I doubted so much. 

Deep inside, I thought holy shit, I hope we do honey, and I hope you are strong enough to hold on.  And I didn't even really know what she would hold onto.  

Really. 

She stayed in that hospital every.single.night.  To see your lover curled into a ball, puking, bleeding, crying and sometimes outright out of it and super sick.  She never left. I'll never forget the morning she cleaned chunks of puke from their shower, as he made his way back to bed. Feeling horrible himself.  She would come and go and most always walk in with her shiny, "Hey Babes"!  I would ALWAYS see his eyes and soul light up.  Something you can't explain, just witness. 

I will leave to my dusty ashes with the look on my kids' faces when they are in love.  

That look in their faces....melt me. 

Same goes for heartache.  Our hearts I believe hurt just a tad more. 

She drove more miles to and from City Of Hope back and forth to work, home, and hospital than she probably cares to relive.  But she did.

Because of LOVE. 

She watched her tall handsome boyfriend, and yes I'm saying this because he's my boy...lol-

wither down to a hairless skinny bird.  His first complaint being, his butt gone.  Long gone.  So much so, it hurts to sit on a wooden chair too long. He takes a beanie off at home looking like a stellar bird.

To not be able to kiss your love, and do all the things lovers do because sickness is real.  And getting a virus can take your life.  And so you're guarded.  

I've watched her walk in with a smile to light the room and keep it lit, as he's in a ball. 

Because she has faith in his healing.  In him.  To not give up.

This holiday season, from Thanksgiving to Christmas we all held eachother closer.  With more meaning.

We spent time with her parents, combining a tradition we hold so dear.  

Looking back, I was a huge stress ball, and I'm sure these days will feel the same some day. 

But we held eachother up.  Courage. Talking through fears.  Transplant.  Cancer.  Foods.  Chemo body.

Family stuff that we have to do, to remain strong, and very vigilant. Never really losing our cool, even on the hardest days, we touched base, kept eachother informed, and kept our schedule and plans in place.

Jen.  Jenny.  Janet.  

Thank you honey.  Thank you for holding his hand through this storm.  And as I read the card you gave him for Valentines, sitting on his dresser...the front said something along the lines of "when you go through things together...blah blah blah"-

You.  You two....are a testimonial verse.  Chapter.  Pages and pages....of just that. 

And I love you two so very much. 

Keep on keeping on.  Don't look back.  Look at where you plan to be. 

Together. 

Happy Taco Tuesday....

Stay cool kids..

xo

This Mama Lisa

 
ps-  Update from yesterday's doc visit- Kris drove himself.   His platelet counts have dropped a little more.  Doctors aren't too worried, just lowered one more steroid.  He has a virus in his system that he's had since being a little guy (hello science at COH) and it's reared it's head again. Lowering the platelets will give his white counts a chance to fight the virus off.  We go back on Thursday for another check.  Monday's and Thursday's.  Other than that, he's hot.  And trying to stay sane, and in as much as possible.  Doing his normal cruising to and fro....counting each day as a blessing, and moving forward.  Never back-

pss.  He's taken over most jars in the house for the housing of PICKLES.  Those are his jam right now.
Pickles and mexican candy.

Love In All Forms.

Do you ever meet a person, or persons and realize they crossed your path with reason?

Most often I notice this with the topic we happened to stumble upon falling face down in it.  The C word. 

So many times you'll hear a tremendous amount of suggestions, whether it be diet, or conspiracy.

You tend to hear it all. With no filter.  People share what they believe.  Or most often what they've learned along the path.  Usually with some grains of experience sprinkled in there.  

And so, I find myself sharing our story.  Sharing my story.  I wonder if it's for therapy, or plain, right out fear. 

We set out to find answers.  It's humanity really.  Giving and receiving.  My hope when I share with others, is I will either gain more education, or an ounce of compassion based from experience. It generally sprouts at work when a customer asks for Kris.  Or where he's at.  

Or Bill and I can be out and about and meet folks.  Soon, the story switches to our story.  This story.  

You'd be sadly amazed on how many people you cross paths with that have held the agony of cancer in their arms.  Never wanting to, but having to.  

Last week I sold a cover to a guy in AZ.  He was driving in to head to NHRA races, and would swing by and get the lid.  When he arrived, he was a tall, very tall as in like 6'5" big big dude.  A retired fireman.  

We carried on as I shuffled to and from production, and installation area. 

We began to talk....and of course my topic turned to my fight for my son.  And what I've endured for the last 6 months.  After he said something to the realm of "hey girl I don't sweat the little things..."-  

All along, thinking the same, but my shift of hard work to thrive in more than a physical sense.

 

And so a conversation blossomed into more information.  So much so, I jotted down an author he mentioned, and called my Dad on Saturday while stuck in traffic to see my littlest birdie.  

Otto Warburg.   Dad, can you look into this, and let me know your thoughts. 

I woke on Saturday as Bill left for work and my view was this-

Kinda chuckling to myself, because I had my hair dried straight.  This fog right here is the enemy for my frizzy hair.  Can I get a holla back familia?

Buellerrrrr.....

Anyway, moving on.....I digress...

I curled up and read for about an hour.  My guilty pleasure....Fog. Alone. Cozy blanket. 

Also tossing this cutie into the oven for Kali and her roomies.

I'd get on the road, after running to my car with my head covered with a sweatshirt, jk. No, really I did.  Because Kali said it was sunny at her place, and I just had to get out of the fog war zone. #firstworldprobz  HAHAHA!

 But don't fret kids....I'd jump onto the 405/5 south and have this view for 2 1/2 hours.  #blessed

Actually, I didn't stress it.  I don't care to sit in this.  I was on my way to see Kali.  My son is alive. I have health...as for now....and I am alive.  And I am loved.  

And if I looked to my right....at some point...I could see this....

 Soon, I arrived and she took me to the cutest little restaurant called Urban Plate.  If you've never been, drop everything and RUN.  Head straight there, and order their salmon.  Drizzled with lemon sauce. errmerrgosh.

 We then went and got pedicures.

 Blasting out of there wearing these sexy beauts. 

 Sooner than later, I'd hug and kiss her goodbye.  Walking down the stairs of her apartment with a little void in my soul.  Looking back at her asking "are you sure you're good honey"-

"Mom,  I'm fine...this is home for me...I'm good"

And she is good.  It's something to pat myself on the back for.  Living, learning and putting herself through school with determination. With tenacity.  

As they say, when your little ones can fly the nest, you've done your job. 

My drive home did feel a tad bit lonely if I'm keeping it real here.  It did.  I guess life moves on.  Your little's don't need you.  You've done your job. 

You just keep telling yourself that she's fine...

Everything is gonna be fine....

Right?

Bill and I tucked away early.  Long day of work for him. And lots of driving for me.  We'd make egg tacos for dinner and close up shop for nighty night by 9. 

Waking early to watch my favorite show "Sunday Morning" that starts at 6am.

He asking that I refill our second cup-o-jo'.....

So I'd find these..... 

Our third lime tree we will try to grow.  We've somehow killed our last two. 

 Cracking each other up, as I had left his chocolates and silly card in the bathroom. Sneaky little sneakers. LOL

We headed over to Gaylord's to cook him breakfast, and I made him banana nut bread.  Something he loves as long as there's extra walnuts. 

On the way home we'd take a side road leading us to... 

A bar we've heard of, yet never visited. 

And you know how I feel about dive bars. 

Love them!

Until a guy loaded on PCP decided to waltz in sitting down across from us asking the family next to us if they had some money--

The location of this place is awful. 

And so....until next time...if there is one...

Cheers to Joe Josts'!

Hopping back onto Anaheim St straight to PCH in typical "get the hell outta here fashion" crossing the paths of one of my favorite restaurants. 

Thinking all along it's probably gonna be so crowded. 

When faith landed in our laps again, and they'd have this view cleared for us. 

$3.00 mimosas.  Tantalums---

One there, and we'd head home.    

A little sweet peaceful Valentines Day just as we needed.  Alone.  

Setting the tone for a great week.

I simply hope.

And so, I leave you with this-

For yourself.  For your family. For your kids, or just a friend.

Food for thought, and water for your soul.

Read on lovers...read on.  (Sponsored by my customer and new friend Leon in AZ)

---------------------------------------------

Hello Lisa, and thank you for the recent purchase of my deck lid. I wanted to follow up on our conversation concerning your son. In addition to looking up Otto Warberg please consider researching acid/alkaline balance and the importance of high oxygenation in the blood. This information alone should help you and inform you to alternatives to modern medicine and its failures.

Don't take my word for it research it, this information has been know for many many years but most doctors will not tell you these things because these remedies cost very little and therefore are not profitable to big pharma or the kick backs to doctors. The average doctor has 3 tools in his tool box.

1) CUT - Surgery
2) BURN - Radiation
3) POISON - Chemo

That's it and that's all they know because in Med school they are not taught any thing else.
Please search the following sites and individuals.

- Dr. William Donald Kelly---------- One Answer To Cancer.              (Take the time to read this there is very important information in this document. And information is what you need right now.
- Dr. Otto Warberg-----------1931 Nobel Prize Winner , The Root Cause of Cancer  (This is a must read to anyone for a basic understanding of oxygen on a cellular level and the effects of it.)
- Check out the following You Tube Videos/Websites
1) Dr. Burzynski----------------Cancer is Serious Business, watch the (PT.1 Trailer2) first its about 3 minutes and then watch the Full Documentary so that you know exactly what you are dealing with.
2) Check out Educate Yourself.org-------------- And look up Forbidden Cures
3) Acid/Alkaline balance and how cancer can not live in an oxygen rich environment.

There is so much more info out there and it has all been proven to work at very little cost and all natural. I hope this helps you save your son. GOD Bless

Thank you

Leon jr

-------------------------------------------------- 

Kindness. Love. Humanity.

Happy Presidents Day!

Love,

This Mama Lisa

 "Strive for PROGRESS, not PERFECTION"

Happy One Month!

Well Happy Birthday Kristopher! One month in.

Things we've learned...and I am sure you could add to this list---

Transplants are no joke.

City Of Hope holds a part of our souls. Forever.

Sara Irons is the best nurse in all the land.

Severe vigorous hand washing is the newest coolest thing.

Food is best when seasoned with gusto. Like lemon, or all things spicy. Pickles rock.

Your girlfriend is the strongest beauty.

Poop must be judged. Input and output, with the D word a huge enemy in the game.

Your Mom has never felt so anxious, yet peaceful these last couple of days.

God is good, we just are skeptical people. Especially after this chapter.

Never knew six months could shake us so hard.

You've learned who your true friends are, and who isn't. Me too.

Medicine is most important and yet makes you feel the yuckiest.

We never knew the world of cancer as we do now. It's a rampant asshole.

We never knew how skinny your waist could get.

And that beautiful bald head still reminds me of a two month old Kris, smiling at me.

A good shower with a good wrapped port arm is your jam.

Our time together has been filled with more meaning, and deep conversations.

I hope you find God, or Jesus as you brought up to me the other day. I'm a tad bit confused too, but I just pray. I pray all day and all night and look at where we are.

You love the Mexican candies, and carry one around because the salty ones are the key to your heart, or I mean..taste buds.

You are a strong man. One I've over babied for years and took shit for it, but have never backed down.

You will continue to climb this mountain, and win. You will.

We've heard so many controversial percentages, with more to probably come. And yet, I wish we didn't ask.

You are not one to lay around, but when you've had a bad day, you listen to your body.

You are extremely observant. A trait we both carry.

You have a new birthday of January 13, 2016-- 1/13/16 @ like 6pm

Only this birthday you didn't come into the world crying and shivering that bottom lip.

This time you sat staring at me to get everyone out of your room. Your body was at the lowest I've ever witnessed.

But this is a month. And you have many more years in front of you.

And if you keep the team you have behind you, I think this memory will unfold later as just one hellava ride.

That rollercoaster we didn't want to get on in the first place.  Mama never liked rollercoasters...and so I will try and keep praying and holding massive faith that we won't get back on it.

For now, let's all live. For today. For moments together. Building back even if slowly.

One month in baby, and I see a little tiny rainbow....we just gotta keep walking towards it.

I love you Kristopher. You make me proud. Most especially of your strength. I'm always in awe when your cross over and through all the bullshit. You just do.

Happy Birthday! One month!

Enjoy your weekend, and live life to the fullest!

This Mama Lisa...

Ps- HUGE shoutout to my Auntie Susie and Cousin Mike (who is almost two years and I may be misspoken but so proud...but he's a recovered addict/alcoholic) and they are running together in the LA Marathon tomorrow and that is just some awesome stuff right there! You guys, his transformation is unreal....a true sentiment of GOT AFTER IT and is still getting after it! I love you! We love you!



This Mama is spending a lovers day with my lover. Doing what my soul needs...nothing. Nothing but LOVE...and loving hard!

The Cowardly Lioness, Or....Actually Mama Bird.

I. Am. A. Freak. 

I bolted out of the room yesterday. The brave Mom that has been down some pretty gnarly roads, and has witnessed more heartbreak than I care to share.  Or at least I'm sure I've painted a decent picture of where I've been. 

But....

I couldn't stay in the room as they started to drill into his spine.  

My legs, and my body begin to lose all weight bearing skills.  Ha!

As we arrived at City Of Hope I was trying to find the closest parking to eliminate him from walking in the warm sunshine...but he declined.  I'm okay Mom.....I can walk-

He was quiet, and he was on charge-on mode. 

Can't blame him...and so I just march on.  Striking up good ol' boring Mama conversation-

When in reality my view looks like this-

He on his phone.  Smiling at me, and as always...enjoying the company we share together. 

Mentioning how it sucks to deal with something like this.  How he still wondering why....why did cancer pick him to fight with.  Why this obstacle.  Why does he have the body that is bald, and skinny staring at him.  The sick hurting stomach every day.  To hear from his doctor that even after transplant he has a 60% chance to live a long good life.  Grabbing shit by the horns and trying to make the best of it because the world is cheering you on. When in reality you're staring at yourself, or your Mom preparing a meal thinking, what the fuck.  Why.  

But he moves on.  And still bites and barks, but smiles and loves. Always loving more. He's built out of love. And a wild free spirit. 

Only now, it requires sunblock, and coverage.  Lots and lots of coverage.  And not just for sun. 

Not just for sun, Kris.  We and I will rally around you finding the best. For as long as I can.

 

We chatted with is doc for a while. I've actually become most respected of him. (He was hard to read at first, causing me to just shut down on overly sweetness)But I like him.  More than ever.  And more than the last oncologist.  Dr. Farol seems to care.  His platelets were lower, so we're switching some meds around and waiting for some more labs to come back.  He's also taking one less steroid.  

Also to switch to an afternoon dose of steroid to eliminate the sleepless nights.  

 As we left on our walk back out to my car, I mentioned trying to find the bracelets we placed up in the HOPE trees. 

 We just gotta fatten' him up!

 And guess who I'm driving out to see tomorrow?!!!  She's taking me to a new cute place for lunch, coastal side-  So excited!

This little birdie....

And if you wonder what Kris is craving and indulging in......

It's these....

Spicy hot pickles.

And you wanna know what I'm craving?!

A good dirty martini-

That's what.....

Have a super good weekend you lovers.  If you haven't purchased a card or flowers....you can hand make a cute card, with real words of love inside.  AND......you can head over to Home Depot and get a nice plant. 

I was there yesterday....and wowsa doodle.....CUTE plants (already potted and filled with LOVE)!  

As for me and my lover, he's been under the weather, so maybe I can officially give and get some big ol' kisses and hugs!  Talk about avoiding the plague- hahaha. 

So scary when it hits this close to home!

 

Be safe out there, and spread smiles...

xo

This Mama Lisa

Weekly Visits

Well, we are back in the saddle again. But this time, just for a few hours. We arrived at City Of Hope with our hearts set to approach this mountain with gusto. His day yesterday wasn't what we all expected. He was down. And when you see his pictures of the weekend previous, you'd think his spirit was and is unbreakable. However, in life....it's always a rollercoaster. You know, good days and bad. When he first came home, he was like a little boy at the entrance of Disneyland. But he's not an amusement type guy. He's an earthly soul with a wild spirit to capture wind in his face and sunshine. Only hitch is, sunshine is an enemy. Top that with a nagging Mama Bird and you have a spirit that is likely to be broken.

I fed his belly full. Topped him off with his meds and pulled away for work. Something I'm juggling like a clown at a rodeo. His mind is so ready to take the world on, but his body says different. He's not one to lay around and yesterday he was feeling unworthy. Unworthy in a work field, and unworthy in man-hood.  It was just a bad day. A bad day at home. In bed. Sorting. Life.
Just like many do. It's finding the rainbow after the storm.

We woke this morning with a spinal biopsy and labs staring at him.
He ate. We chatted. We drove. And we are here.

A biopsy to see new cells, new German cells. No cancer. A new chance. Counts, good labs, no infections...and a better feeling overall.

I sit next to him as he's navigating through more fear. More worries. More adrenaline and a rush to feel better.

As always, my hope is here. City Of Hope.


Happy Thursday friends....

Be kind, and love hard. Even on the hard days..

Sunshine is good....I really think it is..

Pray for good news!

Just waitin' for them to call Krissssopher (and hoping I don't pass out bedside as I stand in on my first spinal tap...)
This Mama Lisa

Unreal Strength.

They say, "You never know how strong you are, until you have to walk through a storm"-

 A peek back to July 2015, when he started to "feel it". 

Under the weather feelings, and complaining begins....

Coming to work, explaining to us how bad he was feeling. 

Yet, he'd play all weekend on boats, fighting the feeling....believing it was maybe a virus...

 Well, we all did.  This picture is him next to my desk. On his birthday. Lymph-nodes swollen.  Open wound on  his bottom.  Falling asleep at his desk, and often on this bear.  Look at Bucks giving him love...

 We'd admit two days later.  With Platelets at 48.  Within hours, dropping to 18. 

 They'd take him in surgery to confirm one node was what they believed it to be. 

Acute Lymphoid Leukemia

He'd stay there for 3 weeks.  

First rounds of chemo would begin.

And talks of many more...

He'd battle through for months.  To and from.  Chemo rounds for a week at a time.  Coming home sicker for at least two.  

To finally land.....at The City Of Hope....with a chance to fight on through for life.

February 4th 2016  

It amazes me to look through pictures.  For me, it's been gradual. 

The HOPE was there.  It's still here.  It's surreal to look back at what he's been through.

This Leukemia woke me up. 

Today's breakfast....Egg-n-a-basket and bacon....

and shortly after........ these...

That is 14 pills.  We've eliminated 1.  One steroid. 

Silver linings baby....silver linings...

This New Year I'm not in quest for sparkly shiny new things. 

Or as some people talk about resolutions and words for the year, but I just want the new mercies.

Maybe I am asking for a new start.  A reset, if you will.  To live gracefully grateful.  For life.

For friends.  And for family. For the word "Simple" I preach so much about.  Maybe I should set the tone, and example.  To live just as that.  Simple.  And at PEACE.  With whatever we are handed.  Good and bad.  There is a plan in place.  Prayers, and lots of love will keep us strong to get through. 

It always has....

Well, maybe not prayer. Because I learned real quick just how far I was from Faith.  

But I have had strength.  And for that.....

For that.......I will get through.  

Happy Wednesday kids....

BE GRATEFUL-  

For today.  And a healthy life...

This Mama Lisa

Your Support System.

One of the things I never discussed on here during the hardest days of my life, is the troubled waters it causes at home.  Most important, your love life.  It's something you can't describe, yet if you've ever been through a crisis you know what I am talking about. 

I don't know if I have to say this....but I was an asshole.  At times.  The sweet Lisa had a mind of her own, and nothing would stop her. 

I drove in carpool more times than I should admit because traffic pissed me off.  I barked at people trying to help me when I knew better. 

I wouldn't return calls to my parents because I held lots of resentment- sorry, not sorry. 

I would literally stare at rude customers complaining about a broken shock with pure disgust.

Your shock is broken, and my son is curled into a radiation ball- hmmmm. Reminder, you never know what someone is battling in life. Take a second to digest that.

Bill.  There was so many times that dude would show up doing what he does best, to love me.  And I would push back.  There were times he couldn't do anything right.  I felt so "talked out" when I would come home from the hospital.  And yet, he'd sit across from me quiet, because he didn't want to probe. Or ask more questions I already answered. He had plenty too.  As I was the voice between doctors and nurses to home. 

He was running two companies, and I was lingering next to our son battling to stay alive. 

There were many times we'd collapse into bed, and I would begin to cry. He'd roll over, hold me, and wipe my tears. 

It isn't until now that I wonder, "what was he feeling too"- 

I'd see him talking to vendors or friends giving his side of the story.  How HE was feeling. 

And yet, I would walk around in MAMA WARRIOR mode thinking of how terribly sad I was.  ME.

OR....even worse, I'd bite his head off for things I would let go some days, while other days I'd chuckle with laughter getting myself through it. 

I'd push friends back that just wanted to come and hang out with me. Or have dinner.  

I had three places I would attend.  The hospital. Work. Home. 

There were times I would clam up, drive to and from. Working because I had to, and loving because I wanted to.  But only to my boy.  No one else. 

I couldn't even love myself during these days.  Sprinkle in shark week, and a full moon, and it was almost catastrophic.  

My smile would fall into play when I arrived to City Of Hope to all those that cared for my son.  I would help them help me. And him.  

They say when someone goes through a crisis, they've wiped out some in their path.  I can see it.

I can see how easily things can fall apart. 

It's holding tight.  To eachother.  Its having friends and like me a neighbor that relentlessly left breakfast and dinner, every.single.day.  

To help me. 

This morning while getting ready I feel like a check list has been taken away from me and tossed in the trash.

Have you ever had something big and scary presented to you in life that you have to emotionally sort through it, and almost talk yourself through it?  Like daily?  Hourly?

Mine has been taken away.  And that's okay.  

I hope cancer is gone.  I hope this biopsy will prove that our boy now has German blood, versus big birdie blood. 

I hope that those chemo pills I tossed into water to dissolve them and pour them into dirt to rid them from our life is real.  I always kept 10 for back up while he was taking them.  

They are gone.  This morning's little doing while I sipped coffee.

I hope that he can move on with life, and grow his beautiful hair back and live a full life, for years and years.

I made a hair appointment for this week.  

I want to get a pedicure.  

I need to buy more of my favorite lip gloss that is Wet & Wild and .99 cents, and I am currently toting mine around in a baggy.  It broke, and is leaking.  But....baggies save all. Bill did buy me red lipstick for Christmas, and I'd like  should wear more of it, but.....

Ya.  Red lipstick + Hospital = Freak. 

Maybe this weekend.  Valentines Day, when Bill's at the races.

Valentines Day + Bill at Races = Freak. 

jk. 

Well, not really....but don't worry kids, there's more to life than worrying about that.

Sunshine + Saturday = San Marcos...

A little time to exhale some more.  

The sun shining on my cheeks making me believe that "every little thing is gonna be okay" 

Or a little reminder of what my aunt and uncle told me years ago...

It's gonna be okay...

 

Because this life is worth fighting through.  

Listen to this song.  

 I can see clearly now....

How about those lyrics kids....

Happy Tuesday....Thank you for all the texts' and love.  It's been forever real with you all.

Gone are the dark clouds that had me down.......

This Mama Lisa

 

 

On Hovering.

And nagging.

It's been glorious to have Kris out of City Of Hope.  A place that gave him a new chance. Although it holds a big piece of my heart and soul, it's good to be free.  

What better timing to be free on such a beautiful weekend. 

The hard part, is the sunshine is pulling him out.  And about. 

Which is making life very challenging for Bill and myself.  

The new chance that has been filtered with many, many concerns.  He was told from the very first days of preparing for discharge just how delicate and how vulnerable his counts will be.  That going out is "ok" but to be out in the great wide open.  To not be in crowded places, germie places, and places that would harbor sickies. He is allowed to be in a car, and on the ocean, but to keep a conscious effort in keeping covered.

Most especially his skin. Graft Versus Host Disease is most likely to rear it's head on his skin. 

You can imagine my face when I find a video on IG of him cruising up PCH with happiness lingering like the wind out the window.  Both Jen and him, smiling, cruising, and living life. 

Yes, he's covered.  Yes, he's worried.  I guess coming from Mama and the formal caretaker.  I'm a tad bit more worried.  

Back in August when he was first sick, he bought himself an old vw bus.  One that he took such pride in having towed home.  Or to his uncles house.  His one request, to get it home so he'd have something to be happy in. 

He was told it was okay to drive, and be at home or homes with us.  To fist bump friends, and no hugs...and on and on they went.  A big blue book that stated the very same things. Down to, changing towels, and toothbrushes on the daily.  You can imagine how frazzled I became.  Quickly frazzled. As I am anyhow....

This caretaker biz tossing me over the edge. 

And so, Friday we woke to a beautiful sunny day.  We both did. I fed him, he napped, and on and on the day went.  Friday afternoon he headed to Jens, after having friends stop by. 

Biting my lip.  Wiping down counters because I was on nervous energy.

Bill took me to a hockey game Friday night with our friends Paul and Mary.  A good time was had, that's for sure....I never realized how fun and what energy a hockey game offers.  Reminded me of soccer a little-

My weekend was filled with sunshine and love.  Sunshine that I needed so badly to help ease the crazy worries of what we just went through. Kris grocery shopped to make himself "ranch" dressing versus buying it. Buying all the goodies to help get through the 100 days of cooking meals from home. 

Texting me in the morning asking me what we were up to. 

My response, whatever sounds good to you...

Come over and I'll bbq- Dad and I are gonna head over to Gaylord's to check on him and we'll be back...

So I made these, and we bbq'd a nice little dinner in.

At night fall, I could see his tired weak body starting to fold.  He has a handful of pills to take.  

So they'd head home.  

His first night without sweats.  He first night of sleeping without Ambien.  

Yesterday, same thing.  Coming over after taking the dogs to the park...where it was too hot. 

I made a nice dinner. We sat and watched Superbowl 50-Which had only TWO cute commercials-Both of which had animals.

Superbowls, for me are all about food, and the commercials. 

Raise your hand if  you think it should be Superbowl Saturday?  *hand raises super high*

I headed home at 3rd quarter. With Bucksie and my Mama Warrior bag that I'm due to empty tonight. 

Time to clear my head.  And my heart.  

And keep on praying!

Today, he's at the doctor.  Where he was just told his labs (counts) look perfect.  To eliminate one steroid. 

To keep getting stronger, and to "get out and get strong"-  

I repeat---get out and get strong.  Whaaa....???

To avoid crowded places, and un-trusted food places.  

To thrive. To live.

And so, maybe I am just a tad bit overwhelmed-  Maybe I'm in shock.  Maybe I'm just a warrior Mom that has been to hell and back. 

Maybe, I should trust in the God I prayed to, asking for answers.  To not only protect him, but me.

I can't go through more anguish.  I really can't. 

I call "uncle" on the hard parts in life. 

Today and for the next few months this company needs my attention again.  It needs both eyes on the road, not just one.  

I've fallen down from my desk top.  A place I've been honored to sell the name for 20 years, needs my attention again. Come on Spring season, let me sell some lids!

One eye on the road, and one on myself.  

No one said life would be easy, but it's gotta get a little easier....right?

This girl is hammering down on sorority stuff though...

Pushing, living, learning and pulling girls in to their sisterhood.

 To each of you friends out there....you are the reason we've kept going.  

Go love.  Work hard.  Spread kindness, because so many people are battling demons that could use kindness.  And love.  Lots and lots of love.

My other favorite part.

Believe in love-

This Mama Lisa