This morning the meaning of it all grabbed me harder. Eyes wide open.
I've had a pity party the last couple of days. Truly, and honestly I have. My reasoning is pure exhaustion. When you are a parent, the worry isn't so much all about today. Because today I will wake, as I do, pull my warrior boots on and move. I will pack all I need for comfort. For him. I will introduce myself to nurses. I will do my ninja wipe down. I will double check my parking slip. (Racket here at Kaiser 10.00 a day). I will organize his blankets and negotiate food. I will double check his heart rate, and probe a little more about doc reports.
For me, it's tomorrow. And the next day. And the day after that. It's all the what if's, brought on by the traumatic results of our past. It's the hurry up to wait. And the small easily found mistakes. By nurses. By aides. Or like yesterday when the visitors bathroom looked as though someone took an actual bath in the sink. Took a shit, and pulled all the papers, from where all paper could come from and scattered on the ground. Myself, along with another RN (why she had to use that bathroom..?) could do nothing but stare at eachother. My one and only concern, is trappling my way back into my sons room. A room that only I clean with WIPIES the way it should be cleaned.
I'm exhausted from doing this for a week, as I'm sure he's exhausted of hearing me. We've discussed germs. Viruses. People. Cleanliness. Hand washing. It still blows me away at how many people I see that don't wash their hands. Lick their fingers. EW.
My game is changing. My soul hardened. My love will never fade. But my mind, body and spirit is exhausted.
I'm sure plenty of my words are just filled with frustrations, because I am truly a mama warrior for life. I still grapple with the sadness of why he was chosen for this. Or as he said yesterday through tears, "I guess I picked the short straw". And anyway you look at it, it's unfair.
Looking at the bright side is my new found ability to commute to and from this place. I've got exits, potholes, familiar transient crossing areas, long red lights, versus short, on ramps, off ramps, good eateries, good wifi on the weekend, not so good on the weekdays, areas on the 91, 710, 5 and 101 that clog for only a short time, and elevator jams.
If there's one thing I've learned on this particular visit is the etiquette of using an elevator.
Listen here kids.....When you push the button to go up or down, and that door slides open....
WAIT. People are most likely getting OFF. And so, when the door opens and you charge forward....
Guess what happens? A cluster fuck! That's what.
Stop for a second and wait. As people get out, you get in! Magic. Pure magic. I promise.
I was almost ran down by a fine elder last night in a scooter....a SCOOTER.....a man well into his 70's....charging in when 4 of us are trying to get out.
After a long long day here it was everything in my respectful body to not tip that feller over. LOL
Simple science.
You're welcome.
Today his docs say infection seems under control. We've waited through this long weekend for a cat scan tomrw. Along with antibiotics every six hours.
All counts are still wonky and low but hoping they'll recover with changes of meds soon.
His tacrolimus levels were high and so they've managed to decrease those too. His poor hands so shaky it seems hard to even use a fork.
I hope this week brings good vibes, positive answers, and lots of patience.
Something I need to check in at the door.
Big love, and many reminders to cherish those we have with is, and those we've lost.
This Mama Lisa
PS. If I seem disgruntled, I am. Boom
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