So I wrote a little blurb yesterday about my wah wah mode of "floating" away....
I kind of chuckle when I think of that term. But if you've ever been through any sort of trauma, you might understand. A friend of mine Beth whom had a transplant almost 7 years ago...(correct me if I'm wrong Beth...) unexpectedly texted me on my drive home last night. Funny thing, I was listening to Adele--->mistake. And was crying *shocker*- (The song Remedy is Jens song for Kris which is just so true for them, she's been his rock)
My reply to her was probably something she wished she wouldn't have hit that little envelope looking doo-dad "send" button on her cell phone. But because the stars and the moon were lined just right....
she must of felt I needed her.
I went on to tell her my grief. That I've never felt so weak. I literally physically hurt. And cry too much..and blah blah blah...I pulled to the side of the road, because that text was like emotionsonsteroidscrymeariver.
And ain't no stop light long enough. jk. well, not really. #sinner
I mean seriously I'm begging for Jesus to take my wheel. He has my back...more on that later...but you guys.
Her reply to me was something that helped butter the toast for me. That huge blanket tossed onto my shoulders. I. AM. NOT. CRAZY. Imagine that. lol-- Mike (her hubby) went through the exact same feelings. The same deal.
Shit gets real when you try to move on through a storm and you realize you might have lost things in the wake. Like parts of mannerisms. Friends you want to call. Not text. But call and say thank you. But you didn't. Or haven't.
Family that stood taller for me than I ever imagined they'd even care to do.
Best friends that texted me daily. Sometimes not getting a response.
Calls I never returned.
Cards that would arrive after a long day at the hospital. I'd open, read, and sit on counter, moving in robot mode. Shower. Bed. Kitchen. Bed. Shower. Sometimes texting a thank you. Sometimes not.
So much love from my fellow mama warriors. Something only moms get. Dads too, but its that mom thing.
A neighbor that did more for me than I ever ever imagined she'd have the strength to do.
There's an incredible amount of guilt. I can't express where, how, why....or what. But it's riddled me.
To know that I'm not the only one who has felt this way. To know this is normal? To know that crying every day is okay. To know that just seeing my sons name come up on my cell because he's just "calling" me makes my stomach turn.
I wish I could erase the last 8 months. Truth is, I know we are blessed. A donor in Germany that adds to my sick guilt because I don't want to wait 2 years to meet him. I want to send him love, and letters and most important pictures. Of my kid. Of our life. Of what he gave to save my son.
Guilt.
I want to help others. Wherever I can.
But right now, I have this incredible guilt of not thanking people. The hardest this year was receiving gifts on my birthday. I would get anxious the minute I saw the gift bag.
I know I sound a mess.
Last night I tucked away early. Safely next to Bill, where right now is my safe zone. I had an early morning to spend at the lab for myself. My yearly doctors appts totally past-due. (I'm paranoid to know anything in my blood right now -shocker lol)
I wake early, and I pray. My prayers seem to ramble the same tune. I pray and pray and pray and it's just a good feeling for me. I prayed for easing myself into the day------->without coffee-OMG-I daresay that's like superhero alone.
No coffee + Sloth Mama = Miracle.
I arrived at Kaiser, front row parking, where a chicken little like me didn't even want. I would park a mile away to delay those silly labs. HA!
Walking in, I receive a text from my boy. "Mom, meet for breakfast?" Funny thing, he had no idea where I was.
I would be in and out within 15 minutes. As the guy was pulling blood he asked what my plan was for the day as I cowardly had my head turned with my hand covering my eyes like a 5 year old. HA-
Um...just work, as I released my cheerful side smile.
But first...
Breakfast with my boy.
We dined, and hugged and chatted and caught up. He tapped me on the back as he walked up to the seat where I had saved us a spot, and said..."Mom, I haven't seen you in like so long"- I thanked him for breakfast and told him how much I miss him and hoped to see him soon. Off we'd go in two different directions...he trying to move on in life, while mama tries to pull it all back together again. So badly trying not to blurt out "drink more water honey" and "be careful making a u-turn right here"- Silent.
And a thankful smile. He's still with us. With me.
Grateful.
And a thankful smile. He's still with us. With me.
Grateful.
So that's me for today. Happier than I was yesterday, but praying hard that Jesus still holds the wheel as I navigate. Through something I can't even describe. I thank each of you that have been patient with me.
Days where I don't even want to leave my house, but I have to.
Work that I have to keep moving. I can't stop. I have to take care of customers and navigate through many things I've managed to do throughout the months. Pushing through each day, with each employee and each customer.
Gratitude is something I hold dear to my heart. I always have. I wasn't raised a material girl. I was raised and shown love in a different form. Money does not bring happiness, yet churns evil.
The kindness that flows from people is what fuels me.
I'm sorry that I might not have called you back. Or sent a thank you card.
I am grateful.
For you all.
To Bill. Thank you for being my rock. For always just smiling through the tears with me. You will wipe them away and hear the same story over and over. And still just be still. With me.
Never thought I'd walk this journey. Right now, it's not fun- It still hurts. Bad.
Kris goes back next week with just "follow-up" appointments right now. Which is just rad.
He still battles gut issues. They aren't fun.
I still manage to navigate through pharmacies like a wizard. Making enemies along the way like a boss.
But when it comes to saving my son, you better watch the f out. kidding.
Well, not really.
And this picture Bill's sister sent me on Mother's Day?
Perfection.
It's perfect and I love it.
Happy Hump Day.
Love hard, and don't take today, yesterday or tomorrow for granted.
Or you can live by this-
Dive bars for the win. Thank you Shelllllly!
ps. For those families that follow me, while in a transplant journey, or post transplant, or pre-transplant...
these are my own feelings, and everyone is different. Whether you get my vibe or you don't. Just know, I think we're gonna get through it. One. Day. At. A. Time. #warrior
This Mama Lisa
No comments:
Post a Comment