This morning as I was stirring the coconut milk into my coffee I said "Good morning" to little birdie Kali as per normal. Only this time, I could feel her sense of peace was altered. Or I guess in mommy terms, something was "off".
As I probed a little more. But not too much, because something about Kali and her desire to chit chat too fast, too early is a big fat no-no. And she most certainly isn't one to share things when not ready.
What I did find through my continued ballet dance around her was-
She's headed back to school. Monday to be exact. Before she starts she has a room to set back up. 120 miles away. On her own.
A bedroom she chose to live in with some of her bestest friends out there.
What she didn't share until I danced a little more around her was...
She kinda felt like I was just "pushing her off"-
What I didn't realize, was, I was. Not intentional by any means, just naturally.
Full plate. Transitioning from a different path.
This time last year a big moving truck came and took all her furniture out to her little apartment. A brother so sick in the hospital and a mom completely disheveled.
Just one year before that we floated around her in full tears, hugs and full escort style to that little dorm.
Fast forward to today.
A girl that has been a little rock to her mama. Yet standing back at times while I navigate and swirl the Earth around my boy. She's had to remind me that it's okay for him to handle things in life on his own. Secretly wishing that her mom would just filter the love in her direction.
Isn't this so true in life with children? Motherhood?
Trying to balance it all between them?
Here I am just trying to mother those little birdies.
And yet, at times I"m unstable to one, or the other. Motherhood.
Guilt.
This morning we managed to get her final school errands done. A truck packed to the brim. The desk she sourced out on her own on Craigslist. The many many pairs of shoes we've shared all summer. The fancy purses she loves. The many many clothes I'll surely miss sharing.
We managed to run in and out of Ross, to grab a few decorating items for her room. Along with all the normal college necessity. Kind of chuckling at myself along those aisles at the many silly silly things we bought freshman year. Oh, man those dorm room marketing ploys I fell in the trap of.
All I could think of as we arrived to pack the truck was....a few years ago I was a crumbling mess to think she was leaving. My heart and hands did everything possible to ease her back in with all the right tools.
This time, things were different. What started as a quiet coffee stir, and pry of emotions, it became obvious to me. She needs me.
I've been so preoccupied for months and months and weeks and weeks.
She hasn't said a word.
She just navigated. As she should. This is life, right?
It's never been told to be perfect. Never will it be either.
My days and weeks are scrambled at times.
I truly can't believe she drove off today with a truck full for Junior year. A year that decisions must be made.
A year where seriousness of the word FUTURE, falls way close to home. What is next?
Will mama stand close by to stir coffee forever prying from you what is weighing heavy on your heart?
The newness of a new year. New professors. New friends. New schedules. New paths.
Kali, I'm so proud of you. I am sorry my hands, heart, soul and schedule have not been wrapped around you this season.
Go move mountains. Keep pushing like you've promised yourself you would.
Don't party on school nights, because...well. #tummyaches #thatbod
I hope you pray when you're trying to find the right answer.
I hope you dance with those beautiful friends you have.
I hope your Uber drivers are kind. And safe.
I hope your cooking skills keep creeping up. Because, girl.
I hope you know just how much I love you.
You've always been my beep. My little side kick and awkward crybaby shoulder at the wrong time. But you get me. Thank you for ordering at the sinful drive-thru we ate at that one night, when I couldn't place the order, because I turn into a squealing ball of mess. Filet of fishes do rule the world, I will forever hold that close to my heart. And corn-dogs. If you could always be present as I place those orders girl.
Thank you for dropping bro's meds off, and always encouraging him. And me.
Thank you for not laughing in front of him as he puts sunblock on, as you swear he looks like a 5 year old.
Because we are thankful he's slathering. So keep praising, K?
Go give San Marcos one heck of a year. Surround yourself with the good people, walking away from the poisonous ones.
Give no time to negative feedback. Only fly to the positive.
I can't wait to see the room you'll put together on your own. With all those cute little decorations, and rugs.
You, my girl. You....will go places.
It's these moments that mama hasn't been there, will make you an even bigger Kali.
I promise.
Kali-Koo-Koo....get it done!
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