Well......

It's here------> Friday The Thirteenth.  How about that?!  Bill, I say this directly to you, with a chuckle on my face.

FULL MOON AND FRIDAY 13th! 

He growls and howls at my superstition.  I can't help it.  ha.

Can't stop, won't stop.  

A few things about me.  Some you probably know, and some, maybe not. 

I totally believe that full moons add mayhem to this Earth. And humans.  

I don't really have fear of the whole Friday 13th vibe.  

I am trying to get "into" the gym.  Not my thing, but giving it 85% of my thoughts, mind and body. 

I don't wear socks with my gym shoes.  Nike hand-me-downs from Kali.  Thankyouverymuch.

I love coffee. 

 

I put milk and raw sugar in my coffee and steer clear of fancy creamers-

I love cold water. I drink a gallon a day.

I love old school hip-hop/rap.  Hey Dr. Dre, Snoop...NOTORIOUS B.I.G. bring it baby.

I loved our dinner with Kris and Jen last night.  Heart overfloweth. 

I love clean sheets and a tightly made bed. 

I love bread.  Preferably squaw. Sourdough, give me butter baby. 

 Someone recently told me something that grabbed my heart, and squeezed it hard-"Call those you love because one day you won't get the chance to hear their live voice again"

I love to laugh hard. Preferably NOT at inappropriate times. #drivethrus 

I have such an amazing relationship with God.  

I don't care to sit and watch movies.  #weirdo

Give me documentaries and call it a day... #love

My eyesight is...gone with the wind.

I love horsepower and fast boats. #nosurprise

I have zero tolerance for a crying kid in a restaurant.  #takethemoutside  

I love redwine.  #3glassmax. #2minimum #cantdrinkalone #boring 

I could stare at the ocean or lake for hours and hours. 

I am petrified of needles. 

And heights. 

I have bad anxiety in cars.  #poorbill 

I have anxiety right now, period.  #bummer 

I love the smell of the river in Parker, or the lake at dusk.  

I am in awe of birds. 

I love all animals.  I will save rollie-pollies or caterpillars. 

I love to sleep with white noise. 

This whole transgender bathroom thing is bullshit.  Boys room, girls room, period.  #sorrynotsorry

The political circus is almost embarrassing to us US citizens.  Our Fore Fathers would be ashamed. 

I have a hard time with rude customers. Rude to me? Take it right back dude.

These glasses are still around

 

I try hard to remember the motto "Be kind, you never know what others are going through".

Public bathrooms are my worst enemy.  I am a ninja in there. #dontaskmetogowithyou

I stare at all pictures in peoples homes. 

I still crack up when I see that meme of Kermit The Frog sipping tea with sarcasm and think the same thing when I'm sipping coffee and someone is pissing me off.  My mind goes-a'-whirlin'.  #ifonlyyouknewwhatimthinking.

I am not a fan of plastic surgery, yet would love a boob job. #scurrred

I'm not into fancy cars.  Don't care what you drive. #itsmetalwithrubber

Fridays are my favorite day of the week. #howboutyou

 I am thankful I felt life inside of me. 

I love to see lovers love. 

I know there is someone for everyone.

This life is fast, yet I have a hard time living that whole "for the moment" vibe. #schedulefreak

I miss soccer. 

I look forward to summertime evenings.

I can't wait to meet our donor. 

I'm recently scared of scorpions in Havasu. #wearingslippersatnight

I chronically check the front door lock.

I think those that abuse animals or leave them outside should have products tested on them, versus animals. 

---let's see, does this burn your eyes-- oh good. HA! 

Animals are a part of YOUR FAMILY. 

I love little lights in home windows. 

I am a hippy at heart.

 I am thankful for you all.

Have a sweet peaceful weekend. 

Doing what makes you happy.

Love,

This Mama Lisa

 

 

Tenacity To Move Mountains.

Kali...

I know you are pushing hard right now.  Finals.  Another chapter closing.  Sophomore year in college.  

Funny, never would I have imagined you away at college looking at this picture. 

I just never looked that far into the book of life. My life.  Your life.

You just live. 

And give.

And love. 

And protect.

And Mother.

And hope to shape a child to be capable. 

To be a decent human being.

When you sat in the library all day yesterday and headed back there this morning, it makes me proud.

Texting me at 6:30am, getting your stuff ready for the tackle take down of another day, moving those little rocks in life. Making mountains.  So many papers to write, and finals to study for. For now, you're building your mountain...

I can see it's not easy.  I respect you in more ways than you can imagine. 

Watching you navigate through, along with learning the ropes of dealing with life, and roommates and apartment living, and parking situations, and middle of the night scares, and Uber-lol, and groceries and amazing meal prepping and the meals you've learned to cook because you don't live at home.  

The moments you've called me so frustrated of life.  And living on your own.  When two years ago you'd do anything to pack it all up and come home. 

Now you've decorated your room just perfect. 

You keep things clean the way you like it, and cherish a clean house. 

You get it.

I get it.

Especially when yesterday I was putting in a notice to have your mail forwarded back home for the summer. And closing out your electric bill. SD&G taught you a thing or two, like to check your mailbox because THEY WILL TURN YOUR ELECTRICITY OFF IN 48 HOURS-lol  #checkyourmailbox

I could never have imagined that you'd be sending me texts of pure exhaustion of study when you'd rather be home with us, or with your best friends celebrating a birthday at brunch. 

I think you've proven over and over to Dad and I just how brave you are.  Sometimes a tad bit spoiled if you ask me.  LOL jk. But I also feel well deserved.  You are rock steady when it comes to commitment, and I can tell you that trait is something honorable in the later days in life.  For yourself and for your family. 

I know these long days in the library right now seem to push you over the top at times, but Kali, it's super rad. I know you've had to wait for me to respond because I'm busy at work, or you've tried to call and I'm in the middle of wrestling someone from the doctors office on the phone.  I thank you for holding on with me. 

You've weathered the storm on your end of the rainbow.  Always, always, ALWAYS leaving ME encouraging notes.  My fridge is adorned with all kinds of love from you because you genuinely have a kind spirit. 

You are still trying to find the way here in life, and I'm quite sure you don't even think so.  But I see it. 

You have mountains in front of you.  

Finals.  Papers.   Just those two words haunt you.  But look at me, in my eyes little sweet darling....

YOU are doing it.  You are proving to us what we've worked hard to provide.  

As much as I can't wait for you to come home for the summer and make your room super messy and add hair to our bathroom floor..kidding-

Truth is, I can't wait to kiss your cheeks.  You make me proud Kali. Remember to keep you first. Study hard, push those little tiny rocks onto your mountain.  Because you can.

And we are here waving our "proud" banner cheering you on. 

Yee....flippin' HAW!

Get it done! 

Kali, Bianca, Madison and Kaitlyn 2016 Stagecoach- CSUSM-LMU-UCSB Beauties...

You make Dad and I proud Kali.  

xo

Mama

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A side note to Sumaira in London.  My dear friend, going through the same sadness and panic mania as I have here.  Sajjad a week behind Kris.  It's amazing to think on this Earth I have a friend holding my heart, struggling too.  It's something you can't describe.  My hugs are endless to you sweet friend.  Just reading your messages to me I smile. I cry.  I nod.  I get you. 

I hope to hug you face to face someday.

This morning offered a manic me, weaving in to the pharmacy navigating every single stomach medicine/syrup concoction I can for my boy.  He's battling thrush still, along with stomach aches and nausea to make a human want to give up.  I've left messages for three doctors, left emails, and now beginning my punch in the throat of changing places back to City Of Hope.  I'm a no bullshit type of girl when it comes to my kids. 

And if you can't return a call, or help me help you or him....

Beware.

And Pray. 

One of my best friends Kyoko reminding me that tomorrow if Friday the 13th, and FULL MOON is staring at us.

Careful friends, and smile at the bullshit. Or you can join my cry baby train, and just cry.

And Pray.

Happy Thursday-  

The Mama Lisa

On Gratitude And Guilt

So I wrote a little blurb yesterday about my wah wah mode of "floating" away....

I kind of chuckle when I think of that term.  But if you've ever been through any sort of trauma, you might understand.  A friend of mine Beth whom had a transplant almost 7 years ago...(correct me if I'm wrong Beth...) unexpectedly texted me on my drive home last night.  Funny thing, I was listening to Adele--->mistake.  And was crying *shocker*- (The song Remedy is Jens song for Kris which is just so true for them, she's been his rock)

My reply to her was probably something she wished she wouldn't have hit that little envelope looking doo-dad "send" button on her cell phone.  But because the stars and the moon were lined just right....

she must of felt I needed her.  

I went on to tell her my grief. That I've never felt so weak. I literally physically hurt.  And cry too much..and blah blah blah...I pulled to the side of the road, because that text was like emotionsonsteroidscrymeariver.

And ain't no stop light long enough. jk.  well, not really. #sinner

I mean seriously I'm begging for Jesus to take my wheel.  He has my back...more on that later...but you guys.

Her reply to me was something that helped butter the toast for me. That huge blanket tossed onto my shoulders. I. AM. NOT. CRAZY. Imagine that. lol-- Mike (her hubby) went through the exact same feelings.  The same deal. 

Shit gets real when you try to move on through a storm and you realize you might have lost things in the wake. Like parts of mannerisms. Friends you want to call. Not text.  But call and say thank you. But you didn't. Or haven't.

Family that stood taller for me than I ever imagined they'd even care to do. 

Best friends that texted me daily.  Sometimes not getting a response.  

Calls I never returned. 

Cards that would arrive after a long day at the hospital. I'd open, read, and sit on counter, moving in robot mode. Shower. Bed. Kitchen. Bed. Shower. Sometimes texting a thank you. Sometimes not.

So much love from my fellow mama warriors.  Something only moms get. Dads too, but its that mom thing.

A neighbor that did more for me than I ever ever imagined she'd have the strength to do. 

There's an incredible amount of guilt.  I can't express where, how, why....or what.  But it's riddled me.

To know that I'm not the only one who has felt this way.  To know this is normal?  To know that crying every day is okay.  To know that just seeing my sons name come up on my cell because he's just "calling" me makes my stomach turn.  

I wish I could erase the last 8 months.  Truth is, I know we are blessed.  A donor in Germany that adds to my sick guilt because I don't want to wait 2 years to meet him.  I want to send him love, and letters and most important pictures.  Of my kid.  Of our life.  Of what he gave to save my son. 

Guilt. 

I want to help others.  Wherever I can. 

But right now, I have this incredible guilt of not thanking people.  The hardest this year was receiving gifts on my birthday.  I would get anxious the minute I saw the gift bag. 

I know I sound a mess. 

Last night I tucked away early.  Safely next to Bill, where right now is my safe zone.  I had an early morning to spend at the lab for myself.  My yearly doctors appts totally past-due. (I'm paranoid to know anything in my blood right now -shocker lol)  

I wake early, and I pray. My prayers seem to ramble the same tune.  I pray and pray and pray and it's just a good feeling for me.  I prayed for easing myself into the day------->without coffee-OMG-I daresay that's like superhero alone. 

No coffee + Sloth Mama = Miracle.

I arrived at Kaiser, front row parking, where a chicken little like me didn't even want.  I would park a mile away to delay those silly labs. HA!

Walking in, I receive a text from my boy.  "Mom, meet for breakfast?"  Funny thing, he had no idea where I was.  

I would be in and out within 15 minutes.  As the guy was pulling blood he asked what my plan was for the day as I cowardly had my head turned with my hand covering my eyes like a 5 year old.  HA-

Um...just work, as I released my cheerful side smile.

But first...

Breakfast with my boy. 

We dined, and hugged and chatted and caught up. He tapped me on the back as he walked up to the seat where I had saved us a spot, and said..."Mom, I haven't seen you in like so long"- I thanked him for breakfast and told him how much I miss him and hoped to see him soon. Off we'd go in two different directions...he trying to move on in life, while mama tries to pull it all back together again. So badly trying not to blurt out "drink more water honey" and "be careful making a u-turn right here"-  Silent.
And a thankful smile. He's still with us.  With me.
Grateful.

So that's me for today.  Happier than I was yesterday, but praying hard that Jesus still holds the wheel as I navigate.  Through something I can't even describe.  I thank each of you that have been patient with me. 

Days where I don't even want to leave my house, but I have to. 

Work that I have to keep moving. I can't stop. I have to take care of customers and navigate through many things I've managed to do throughout the months.  Pushing through each day, with each employee and each customer. 

Gratitude is something I hold dear to my heart. I always have.  I wasn't raised a material girl. I was raised and shown love in a different form.  Money does not bring happiness, yet churns evil. 

The kindness that flows from people is what fuels me. 

I'm sorry that I might not have called you back. Or sent a thank you card. 

I am grateful. 

For you all. 

To Bill.  Thank you for being my rock.  For always just smiling through the tears with me.  You will wipe them away and hear the same story over and over.  And still just be still. With me. 

Never thought I'd walk this journey.  Right now, it's not fun- It still hurts. Bad.

Kris goes back next week with just "follow-up" appointments right now.  Which is just rad. 

He still battles gut issues.  They aren't fun. 

I still manage to navigate through pharmacies like a wizard.  Making enemies along the way like a boss. 

But when it comes to saving my son, you better watch the f out.  kidding. 

Well, not really. 

And this picture Bill's sister sent me on Mother's Day?

 Perfection.

It's perfect and I love it.  

Happy Hump Day. 

Love hard, and don't take today, yesterday or tomorrow for granted.  

Or you can live by this-

Dive bars for the win.  Thank you Shelllllly!

ps.  For those families that follow me, while in a transplant journey, or post transplant, or pre-transplant...
these are my own feelings, and everyone is different.  Whether you get my vibe or you don't. Just know, I think we're gonna get through it.  One. Day.  At. A. Time.  #warrior

This Mama Lisa

Happy Birthday Mac-Dut

Mackenzie...

Your laugh and voice can wake up a room. 

Your style is unstoppable.

Your strength runs deep in protecting your best friends. 

Your love for clothes and makeup is like no other.

Your guardianship to your best friends is true.

The days flew by faster than I'm sure we all really knew would...

 You guys tolerated soccer.  Because your mom's were intertwined in the gig.  So you just went with the flow.

 You had me holding on to the handles in the suburban during these first days with a "permit"-

Soccer mom's keepin' it real.   Real cold.  Coldest day in my soccer mom career history.

 You make us proud.  Even as I frantically prepared Kali for a measly 150 mile difference from home during those "prep for college days". 

You grew the biggest balls and headed hundreds and hundreds of miles to TCU. boom.

You've made your mama and papa proud.  Me too.

This allowed us moms to grow close.  Closer than I ever imagined.  Those moms that would be my rocks and shoulders during the hardest days of my life. 

Mackenzie.  I hope this day is perfect.  Saying goodbye to your teens isn't even a big deal to you right now.  Because to you, it's a new rad year.  To us, we see a new horizon.  Alot happens in the next phase.  And phases.  You'll continue to grow.  To prosper.  To make changes.  With yourself, and with other humans.  You'll give this world what we expect from Mackenzie.  It's laughter.  A good voice to share fashion.  Or whatever seems to tickle your fancy next. Just know that you have a group of moms here in the hood...well not hood for all, because you blossomed from "The Hill"- Where a good ice-cream truck doesn't even make its way down the street, but that's okay.  Just know I am here for you.  Just like with Madison and Kali....I am your other rock. Love you sweet girl.  Happy Twentieth.  Make this life shine for you.  For you Mackenzie.  And don't ever look back.   

"Hold on to what you believe"

And when Kali sent this to me this morning from you.....it's beautiful. 

Mitchell her brother is with Maritime Academy stationed way out' yonder, and manages to send this to her.  

It's just plain, LOVE.

And that my friends is the product of good parenting....

Happy Tuesday kids!

How did you spend Mothers Day?

Peaceful?

As for me?  I'm back from a weekend away with my love. A weekend filled with peace and and almost too much quiet.  A weekend filled with rain storms, and big white fluffy clouds. A weekend filled without cooking, or cleaning.  A weekend filled with dining next to the man who's stood me up in the wicked days of a storm.  A weekend filled with laughter and hidden coves.  A weekend filled with text messages swirling around between my kiddo's.  And if you wonder how much I missed a full house with my babies, I did.  

But lately I kind of feel like floating.  Not sure how, or even remotely a way to explain it. Just floating...away. 

My mind, body and soul feel broken.  I can't really even spell it out.  

I just stare at Bill, and cry.  Sometimes I want to lay in my bed and not come out. 

But that's not the plan.  It's not the plan for this girl.  The girl that has always stood up for happiness.

I'll get there. 

Have a super week. 

Love, 

Debbie the Downer.

jk

This Mama Lisa Forever, and Ever.

Kris has great counts this week.  Just still a wonky gut.  His spirit is still in push forward mode.

Always looking for his friends in the midst of it all. 

One tough dude...

xo

Slow Down

It must be said that every Mom is peeking around the corner at Mothers Day with a full heart.

As for me on this particular holiday, on this particular year it sincerely means more to me than all the "almost" twenty seven years.  There is a part of this song that talks about holding hands, and holding tight through the years.  What my ears heard in the song, was most especially during the tough times.

I started this week with a new view on things. At least I'm trying.  Hard.  I still cry every day you guys.  I hate it. A good friend of mine Erica said "maybe it's all suppose to be that way"-  Maybe crying is our outlet.  Sometimes I tend to shut out the world.  And tuck away.  Holding tight to my devotional daily read. 

One of the things I'm most proud of in my 46 years, is being a MOTHER.  A mother that woke at every little wince they'd make in the night.  The mommy that would stand over their bassinet and hope I was doing it all right.  I didn't take on breastfeeding as an art, but a fucking nightmare with bleeding boobies for the first 6 weeks.  I never quit.  I'd nurse her until almost one. Working full time too. I'd chase behind them tackling them down to give razzy's, just like all of you. I'd show up at my son's school during middle school with lunch.  Just because. He never pushed me away.  I was room mom and soccer team mom for every team they played on.  Kris played on one soccer team, one time.  His analogy of soccer was "it made his legs hurt"-  He loved baseball though. Until he was hit dab-smack in the face.  Ending that career.

I would shake a building if stuff wasn't right wherever they were.  I'd pick them up at all hours of the night, with no mile a cause for my concern. I'd most always piss off my partner because sometimes I wouldn't listen to anyone.  I'd march to my own beat.  Especially in mama hood.  I'm quite sure mistakes were made.

I'd cry when they'd bring home awards.  Or every first day when they'd scuffle out of the car so nervous. 

I'd pray that their step-dad and them would bind tighter someday, always better than the days before.  I'd yearn to raise children to be self sufficient in life.  To be respectful as my number one priority.  To be kind to animals, and most important to contribute to society.  I'd panic with the thought of one leaving for college, even when best friends reminded me that "its the best thing for them"-  I never agreed until this year. 

I am a believer.  Let them go away.  It IS good for them.  

I'd fight hard for both Kris and Kali.  This year I want to skip away, and cherish moments of what I've accomplished.  

In this video there's a part at the end that looks like my niece Tori. Toddling.  Then a boy on a bike.  

Tears filled my eyes and of course, wah-wah Lisa cried.  It looked like Kris at that age. 

My kids are extraordinary. To me they are.  Thank you for taking this motherhood journey with me. 

Whether you're filling in for a mom, or just a plain ol' mama like me, or you're a daddy and it's mothers-day...

this day is a reminder of all the moments.  

Most of my friends and followers have grown kids.  Most of my friends have watched some move away and get married, or go to college.  Some of my friends have become grammies. Some of you have found me through City Of Hope and are fighting the biggest fight of your lives with your child, grown or young.  Some of my friends have little ones.  Some of my cousins have littles.  I am telling you with my heart cut open and healing from being shattered into more than a million pieces.  

Let them grow, and do your job to help them fly away....

But cherish every milestone.  Most important to cherish every minute on this Earth while they are here.

Happy Mothers Day-

Slow Down

Lots of LOVE from me.

Mama Bird to Kristopher and Kali.  My little birdies. xo

I love you both so much. 

Be The Match

 

And if the cure for disease could possibly be you donating your stem cells to a stranger- Please reach to this link.

Simple swab for those 18-44

Be The Match

Cancer statistics are climbing at an alarming rate-

Trust me, you don't want to know....

Spread the word, and be aware....

And be kind.  

 

Happy Wednesday!  

This Mama Lisa

Check. One two. Check.

Welllllll

Hellooooo there kids! 

It's been a hot minute since I checked-in with you.....

Tuning back in from last week with several topics to cover.  All of which really deserve their own time. Therefore, I'll try to give you the quickest run down in history- ya right.

First and foremost....my son....my strong birdie.

Last Thursday he and Jen took their "hopeful" last final journey to and from City Of Hope.  A place that will always, always be a part of him.  A part of them.  A part of me.  A huge part to our entire family.  

He did his normal routine of labs, doc and last final request to have his "port" removed.  Those wires that took turns supplying medicine, and stem cells into him.  Removed like no big deal, he'd record and off they'd go. 

Medicines still ruling him. And us.  It will be an everyday reminder of what science, hope and love is. 

Last week when they made their trek to and from City Of Hope I was a tad bit confused.  I guess when you navigate through the medical side, taking away the love and nurturing that only a Mom would understand you'd get it.  Other than that I realized that there's two young adults growing up.  And navigating through and out of the most jacked up thing a couple would go through. I wasn't invited.  And later realized...maybe it's all part of the plan. 

Maybe Lisa they want to grow up and away from all of this.  Not in a bad way...

Truth.

Insert crybaby freak- me.

My mom was due to land by jet aerooooooplane in the lbz on Thursday afternoon for a weekend visit for my Grandma's 85th Birthday.  Bill was leaving town for Desert Storm ( A boating poker run, reunion of friends, boats and life out at the lake)- 

Kali was headed to Stagecoach (A desert concert that goes on for 3 days) with her friends, and most importantly....mine.  

My fridge was empty with the exception of lemonade, 3 eggs, tortilla's...and some beef jerky on my kitchen table. 

Since Kris has been gone, le' fridge is suffering.  Sorry Mom.....I do cook.

My mom is rad that way.  She just said "no bigs Lee..."-  When inside I wonder if she thinks I don't have my shit together.  I brought her to work with me on Friday, along with little grocery runs to grab this and that..but only enough to just get by.  We wouldn't be home. Our Friday afternoon and night landed us in West Covina for my Grandma's surprise party. 

At the VFW Hall.  Mad respect for this place. 

We took on that VFW Hall like a respectful trip to Disneyland.  A place where a good stiff drink is served, and you'd most guarantee some dirty looks our way due to the fact that our tribe took over.  From 3 years to 85- 

We'd dance, sing, holler in pure party fashion.  I couldn't help but watch the glares and stares our way.

But ain't no party like the way we party.  Celebrating eighty five years of the leader of the pack.

Out. Of. Our. Way.  

Boom.

Plus, it's life.

You know...life. As one lady shook her booty over to us, named Lois.  Her birthday too.  Her hair coifed to the perfect two toned, t.  Her exact words to myself, my aunt Lynda and my sister...

"If you aren't having a good time, that's your fault"-  

Think about that.  Eighty six years old, gathered with friends every Friday night at your local pub, with music and a dance floor.  Not to mention the drinks they poured.  bam.   Her outfit, jewels, lipstick and makeup made to perfection.  We'd chit chat back and forth as Elvis blared in the background and she'd sing along with a voice to take the place down. Asking us if we had children.  Of course you beam as you say "yup two"- Asking her....a reply that made me want to spit my dirty martini out of my lips. 

"I tried that once, and decided I didn't like it"-  Laughing as she pounded on my knee.  HAHAHA.

She has one daughter.  Whom she adores. 

And so...Lois.   

We can all thank her for the honesty and most important, her zest for life.  We all know that in eighty six years she's been handed shit in a basket.  She did mention she lost the love her life a few years ago.  He was 13 years her senior, dying at 97. That was her 3rd husband. 

Oh, Lois.

So....where were we?   If you can tell, I'm trying to get back in the rhythm of life. I'm trying extremely hard to trust my faith.  And God.  And with my daily devotional book I actually look forward to reading, I am faithful and trusting that He has a plan.  And that Kris is gonna be okay.  

Stomach issues still tackle him down like a rascal but he's fighting through.  Even when at times I can tell he'd like to curl in a ball and stay there.  He moves on.

Okay.....  Last week his counts were good.  His weight was kind of what we expected...

But....counts. 

April 28th 

WBC 4.5

RBC 3.16

Hemoglobin 28.3 (you can see his color coming back on his face)

Platelets 122

He posted a video on his instagram account of the removal of that port. If you have instagram, you can see it there- I could hardly watch it, but man worth sitting through.  I still think he's the bravest bird in the world.  Mad respect for his spirit through such a shitty card hand.  His instagram is captain_kris.  

Side Note:

By Thursday afternoon with all the feelzz and emotions drifting through my veins, it's no joke at how sappy I was.  I cried so much last week.  Looking back in my emotional rear view mirror...I know why.  When I pulled up to the airport to pick up my Mom I watched her wave at us, with her back pack on her back...and I thought..wow.  

There she is.  

I haven't seen my Mom since Kali's graduation.  

Anyway........

Here's a sneak peek at the weekend. 

 Friday evening.  The littlest, listening to the eldest.  The pattern in life doesn't change.  We all move forward. 

Loving, living and learning.

My Grandma surrounded by 6 of her 7 kids.  We have one angel in Heaven. Arlene....she's greatly missed. 

That was one fun and wild spirited aunt.  Always had a huge smile.  A light above her head to light up a room.

Happy Birthday Grandma!  85 looks so good on you...even though you despise pictures. I feel ya, I'm getting that feeling myself. 

Saturday morning my sister would swoop us up for a breakfast down in LB.  

Our one and only shot. 

My friends, co-workers, sisters-in-not-law-but-love, neighbors...you name it, always ask the same question...where's your mom? Who does she look like...andonandonandonandon. 

And excuse this shot of my Grandma in her nighty, but this my friends....is everything.  Her first Great-Grandson...thankyouverymuchlisayouteenmom-    That party the night before tossed her for some exhaustion, but she was elated to see my boy. 

And pictured here is a makeupless Lisa, standing in the one living room in the town of La Puente that has never changed.  Those bricks.  That smell of good food, and that cookie bin that used to sit up high in her kitchen.  This home you guys....this home. 

I actually cried too much last week.  

NO MORE TEARS LISA!  It's all good!

And while I was boo-hooing and enjoying just the aroma of my Mom next to me (she wears jazmine oil)-

And sucking up the moments with our aunts.  And uncle. And little grom cousins.  And my son.  And Jen who radiates when she looks at Kris.  And we played Cards Against Humanity...LOL!

And to hear my God-Mother Cece say fucker, was probably the best thing ever. 

And so....

I present to you....

Kali's weekend-  

A weekend full of apple-juice and pinata's.    

Or I mean, cowboy boots. And hats.

Or bubbles....

Thank you Shell, Maria and Roxanne for taking such good care of my girl.  You seriously are part of what has kept my beating heart working.  The love you give me and her is unbreakable.  And I love you all.

I was sweating her driving from San Marcos direct to Palm Springs.  And if you think I'm a freak, I am. 

Just wait until your littles aren't little and they start driving, and going and doing.  Just wait. 

But first....

Let's talk about our new schedule. 

Kris no longer goes to City Of Hope, God willing. 

He has started his appointments at Kaiser in Hollywood.  A dirty filthy town, but filled with the best doctors and nurses in all the land.  As we parked in this structure and walked 150 miles jk to our destination I thought....man...what a change.  

You know me....creature of habit.  CREATURE OF HABIT. 

I guess in my own way, I miss Duarte.  I miss pulling in to that place and walking by that fountain.  Whether it was walking next to our boy, or pushing a wheelchair.  It will ALWAYS hold a dear place in the corner of my heart.  

Good news here kids is he now goes every other week.  Counts allowing.  He'll do labs local-And docs every other week. 

Counts- 

WBC 6.4

RBC 3.65

Hemoglobin 11.3

Platelets 191

He's lost a few pounds.  But....let's just look at the horizon. Let's look at his future.  

His stomach is tore up.  

We requested a new oral chemo. One of which I believe might just be the wrong decision.

A decision that I made by a gut feeling.  Gleevec-

It is a gateway oral chemo for Sprycel.  One that we thought was causing the severe nausea.  And of course the given taste bud drama.  He dry heaves every.single.morning.  Some things just don't taste the same.

As his doctor says.  Either one, he has to pick.  He has to have an inhibitor in his blood stream.  We can't allow that muted gene 9/22 to scramble up.  Being Philadelphia Chromosome positive allows for crazy things to happen.  And come back.   And so....a decision must be made.  Like today. Or in our pharmacy dramatic scenario, tomorrow....because they.don't.have.it.in.stock.  SHOCKER.  Fucking shocker.

For now, we look at the glory.  Of where he is.  Of the one hundred and eight days of one heck of a journey.

One Hundred and Eight Days. From yesterday to hear his doctor say to us, "Dude you look good"-

Yes, dude, you look good.

I still lean on my Bone Marrow Transplant Survivor page to help me walk through the shadow of doubt.  

Something that creeps up on me in the dark like a monster. 

I still pray. 

Hard. 

And I will continue to pray for the rest of my days here.  

Let's do this! 

Gonna try to shed the sadness on here. The next chapter of a good summer.  Hopefully I will get to a point where sleep isn't interrupted thinking the worst.  

I want to see him laugh, and go and fish and swim, and do his thing. 

He deserves it. 

Hope all my Desert Storm friends had a blast!  I missed my lover so so much.  

I missed all of you guys there....Hi Rosa! Hi Carol!  I missed your sweet hugs. 

I missed the sound of those big motors.  

I missed the smiles from a reunion of friends.

I missed our sunset cheers, and kisses by the moonlight.

I missed our chocolate covered cherry martini nights.  Where one turned into 3.  ugh. 

As always that wind and rain does its thing....but nothing better than receiving my love back home with big hugs and lots of besos.

Have a great Tuesday night you guys....

I've missed you.  

This Mama Lisa

--------------->  as she sets down her warrior stick. 

Time to live!

And navigate through medical receipts-

(This is 1/4 of what we've received thus far)