New Year. New Me. HA.

I've never been one to claim a resolution at the New Year. It's kinda like setting yourself  myself up for failure.  In my humble opinion. One year I did stop eating meat.  That lasted two months.  Maybe three.  In-n-Out got the best of me.  Still love me a good burger.  

What I DID tell myself was to search for peace in mind, body and soul. Maybe just maybe I'd be able to shed some heartbreak and a soul that is a tad bit broken.  Some days and months feel harder than others.  As odd as this may sound, I have been very close to a breaking point. VERY close. Usually during the winter months.  December to be exact.  When I say this, it's not about caving in for an exit.  But more like staring at myself in the mirror some mornings wondering how I have managed to put one foot in front of the other.  I don't say that lightly, and I don't say this for attention.  I say this because for my entire life I have been dealt some pretty interesting cards.  Well at least back to the age of 5.  Then all hell broke loose at 10.  I always kept going.  

I have never caved. 

Sure I've lost my shit on people.  Most especially those I love.  Sure I've over indulged in cocktails to feel the shame the next morning.  Sure I've cried my eyes out before walking out into public places.  Sure I've questioned religion. Sure I've lost hope in some family and friends.  Sure I've wondered what my purpose is here.  I know I've always worked hard to be a good mom.  A good partner. And a good friend. 

What I have ALWAYS put in the back seat, was my health.  Oh, a bump on my skin?  Ah, let it go, it'll go away.  Oh, a dentist appointment?  Oh, I better plan that soon...lol -  Oh go to the gym?  Nah, that's not for me. LOL- 

See the reason I share this is because every.single.time I've walked into our gym, I feel like a big toe.  I feel as though I stand out in the dork zone. I've even seen posters that read "No Judgement Zone" but deep down I look at my clothes.  My hair. My awkward body.  Am I using this machine right?  Am I flailing my arms way too much...I am my biggest critic. I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE THERE.   So I scadoodle back to the treadmill and feed it my body. My mama body.  My body that has carried me around all these years.  The body with hands that serve love.  The brain that gets overloaded most days.  The sleepless eyes.  The shoulders that have carried so many burdens.  

Strength. 

Motherhood. 

Aging. 

I've got my eye on the stair climbing thing.  One day I'll get to it.  One day I will climb up and do my thang.  For now, I have my favorites. 

I've made it my priority.  To eat better.  To show up.  

Being a germaphobe doesn't help.  

But I am feeling amazing. Mostly it's making me feel proud of ME. 

The journey of mental, physical and a soulful healing heart.

For me.

Peeking around the corner at the big ol' five oh. 

This is my time.

This is mama's time to feel better.

To trust God in his plan for me. For my babies. For my handsome dude.

Bill's been down with the Flu all week.  If there's one thing I know for sure...I've seen it over and over again....We NEVER realize how good our bodies feel, until they don't. I've not seem him knocked down this bad in a very long time.  

For the last 25 years I've picked up major family pieces taking care of everyone.  For 30 years as a mom, I've put motherhood and my love to them first.

For almost 50 years I've battled lots of sadness and a torn heart.

This life isn't perfect, but it makes you appreciate those that encourage.  Those that love back.

For all the years friends and family would recommend "working out"- I hear you.  To my mom, who's a stud with running, AND working out.  Thank you. 

Health. Life. Pushing through. 

And those that show up.

For me, I am proud for showing up.

For me.

For Mama,

For this body of mine.

We got one shot. Even if I feel like I'm in the dork zone. 

Love, and always love...

This Mama Lisa

Full moon tonight and tomorrow....Enjoy the beauty of it, and steer clear of the meanies....

A Worldwide Sense Of HOPE.

Yesterday my social media scrolling slid past many many folks honoring World Cancer Day.  Parts of me have learned to back up from some of the following I've done.  

For healing.  For absence of the monster in my face. 

And then, it just happens. Over and over.  I see moms in hospital rooms standing next to their child. Politely asking for prayers from us. 

Those of us that have been there-- now looking at our screen thinking....oh my gawd, those days of beeping iv's. A puking kid.  A toss up of doctors each day.  Nurses that are good, but then some are greater.

The chapter and pages never go away.  In fact, they're inbedded in this mom forever.

I thought about all Kris has been through.  Those that I'm mentoring right now.  The C word will never go away.  It's just there.  It's our story. 

I kept thinking about how far we've come.  How nothing else really matters to me, as long as my kids are healthy and safe. 

World Cancer Day. 

My wish is we find a cure some day.  The leaps and bounds for a cure they've made for HIV/AIDS.  And yet there's such a mystery still in all the cancers.  All the different tumors and complications.

We all have a sense of HOPE.  In love.  In family.  In friends.  In the news someone will get today.

That phone call. 

That ER visit. 

May those in the fight, those that have fought, and those that don't even know they'll need to fight have a community around them to get through the journey. 

With love and gratitude...

This Mama Lisa

Amen.

May we all be safe, healthy and able this week.  

Do your best!

This Mama Lisa

Sun Up.

Wishing for a beautiful weekend to you friends and family.  Nothing better than the bright sky, warmer air, and a Saturday morning!  

As for me and my self....I'm filled with PEACE this morning.  Kris' labs look good...Need I say more?

Remember to hand out compliments today.  Make a stranger smile.  Praise the server at a restaurant if they're serving your needs.  Hold a door open with a smile.  Offer help to the elderly. 

Just Be Kind.

Sun Up, People Up!  

Let's do this!

This Mama Lisa

My Truth.

  

There are few things that really knock me down in fear.  Sure I'm petrified of heights. And yet, I'll take it for the team where need be. Sure I'm a terrible back seat driver riddled with anxiety when others drive me.  Sure I am cautious of illness whenever the kids call me about something. Sure I fear losing my best friend and lover constantly.  I have always been an over thinker.  I've also kicked my fears to the side many times and jumped through the hoops anyway. 

I've put off making Kris' appointment for follow up with our BMT Doc's for months.  Something I am not proud of, but was certainly not in a state to deal with during the last several months in dealing with personal stuff while closing down the shop.  It's like I couldn't emotionally stack one more thing on top. 

My biggest page in the chapter of this life.  

Kris' health.  

I float around him daily.  Meds ordered, check.  Sick with a cold/flu? Doctor appt.  Check. 

Dermatology? Check. Warm clothes? Check. Soft pants that don't hurt his stomach? Check. 

Sunset Kaiser (Hollywood) is a place where the second phase of our journey started.  It is a place where I butted heads with a Social Worker (sorry they bug me Shelley lol) At least that one did. 

It's a place where I had blood drawn to see if I could possibly save my son.  It's a place where I got dizzy walking down the halls from an overload of information.  It's a place I stared straight into my loving aunts eyes (Hi Nettie and Jeff) and yearned for comfort. 

The unknown.  

It's been 4 years.  And many visits in between. We go back today.  Labs will be drawn, and hopefully our nurses will be in decent moods (sometimes grouchy in there, but who's to blame them with all they hear and see).

The mood is always a tad bit anxious on the way.  He fiddles.  I drive.  He misses Skipper his sidekick.  I miss the old days when he was young and the only fear was maybe a bruise on his leg. 

It's Friday.  It's beautiful.  It's a new chapter.  A new year. 

I prayed all  night.  My nightly ritual of waking between 1-2am wide awake.  I grab my ipad and scroll all the social media's.  I close it, pray and pray and pray.  Eventually falling back to sleep. 

It's this era of my life.  Walking into the first stages of Menopause feeling sweaty some moments, to freezing cold the next.  My heart races when I think of the many people in this fight.  I feel the loss of family.  I feel and see the heartbreak because of money.  I see and feel the bitter news of tragedy. 

I just pray for peace.  For health.  For good labs.  For peace in my sons heart whom, just like all the others didn't deserve this battle. 

I see his smile with a dimple, with gratitude for his mom.  I see our strength blended together and I remind myself.....you are his rock.  You brought him here. 

Get up and get this handled. 

If you pray, please pray for us today.  For a seamless trip to and from.  

Although I have bitter feelings about our homeless situation because I think most of them are addicts.  And mentally wiped out.  I packed my car with blankets and clothes to hand out while we're down there.  

We have plenty. 

Just give me health.  Give us peace.

Hope you all have a super good weekend....

This Warrior Mama Lisa

This picture actually makes me laugh, doesn't this look like most of us moms?  Balancing a whole shit load of LIFE-

Two Weeks.

January 10, 2020 I packed my car to the brim of just the things I needed to move on to the next chapter. 

And if you wonder if I cried?

Come on kids, it's Lisa. 

I bawled my eyes out all the way home. 

I kept thinking about that Kenny Chesney song "There goes my life" -Which I'm quite sure has nothing to do with work, more about love..." 

Almost Twenty Five years at Gaylord's.  The same email address.  A desk filled with all the things a mama accumulates throughout the years...

My tasks taught me more about life, humans, colleagues, employees, vendors, money, debt, jerks, human kindness, family, and the final pages were the feelings of walking away from something we worked so incredibly hard to sustain.  Something some folks might ever feel or taste, and yet I wouldn't trade it for anything.  The tenacity and hard work we put forth was worth all the blood, sweat and tears.  Again, something a lot of folks would never do or understand. 

Many days during the kids younger years I am not quite sure how I managed to parent, work and contribute where I could, most especially to their school, social and sports life.  Same goes for the gnarly chapter of Kris' journey of a fight for his life.  I still wonder how I managed to get through my daily tasks at work when I would arrive on minimal zombie amount of sleep. Not to mention a tad bit feisty to any customer whom was a jerk.  I just kept forging through.  Same for Bill.  We never stayed in bed and hid under the covers.   We had no choice but to keep on going. 

The last day was surreal.  I packed all the files I knew I'd need for the next several months.  I packed my babies pictures ever so gently into my car.  With no place to place them at home. (I'm already a clutter-bug) -  I drafted my last email to customers and vendors informing them of new contact info. 

I stared long and hard at the walls of my office.  A place that was a second home.  My babies rocking chair next to my desk.  My personal files and awards the kids earned.  

The highlighters I probably won't need right now.  The pens and markers placed in my front seat because I, for some reason love markers and pens.  I've been known to grow attached to a perfect pen and use that stinker until the ink ran out. 

Today.

Today marks our second week home.  A kitchen table with two computers and one printer that took days to set up the right way.  Paperwork still adorns my side.  Bill is the saavy one and is more organized and thorough with scans, I-Cloud storage, etc.  

The first week we waltz through Costco stocking up on all the healthy things.  Promising each other we'd not fall into the lazy, go out to lunch every day, over-do-the-drinking mode lifestyle.  That we'd

stick to our new commitment of health.  New chapters.  New work.  New mindful thoughts. 

I've worked hard through some very hard moments.  This next chapter will help me grab ahold of my mental state and ease me back to a healed heart.  Working out every day will be my first and foremost plan.  

We've crammed "stuff" into closets, garages, cupboards...to now realize it's time to sort and purge. 

Eating at home every day with a fridge that is becoming full of leftovers and apples that are rotting. 

So today, after the gym I cleaned out the fridge.  He's in the garage. 

The sun finally shone down on us today.  And yesterday.  Something that really plays tricks on my head.  Sun down, Lisa down. Sun up, Lisa up. 

So there you have a glimpse of the reality of us.  

It's like when you're home sick as a kid and everyone else is at school so you can't really go play.  And because we're trying to be well, in body and spirit, "hangin" out in places we shouldn't isn't where we are either. 

We're finding the new normal.  We are so lucky to have eachother. (even though last week we barked more at one another than ever-shhhh don't tell Bill I told you this, but he's a work-aholic and so this chapter is NOT easy) and as we both worked at our computer on Monday, I was singing to the country station playing and he got up and TURNED IT! LOL!!!!!!! 

And so......there you have it. 

Accomplishments? Hell yes. 

Pride? A little bit.

Scared?  Kinda.

Happy? Yes, when we are all healthy.

Content? Not quite yet.

Miss my family at work? Yes.

Miss the small mundane things about that building? Absolutely, it was my second home.  

And then you look around and realize just how fast this life is.  How fragile it is, especially after Sunday's tragedy.  And you tell yourself...Lisa, get on with life.  Love what's in front of you today. 

Be grateful you can hug your boy.  Your girl. 

And you receive cards like this from your baby birdie and you sit back in your new kitchen table office area and you are proud that you showed them/her what hard work proves.  What getting up every single day NO MATTER WHAT to make a difference. 

And if you sip wine on a Monday with 2 of the six pack at 2pm, then you really put things in check and say....today will be fun, tomorrow will be better...and the rest of my life is what I make of it. 

I've received nice messages from old customers, vendors and those I worked around through all the years.  I've also had emails and phone calls from customers I could care less I'd ever speak to again.  Rude from day one, still rude and boy oh boy the gratification of walking away from that noise.....

I hope this month has treated you well. 

I hope you pick up where you need to and sit back when you can-

Chapter 49- Almost 50.

Bring it baby....

This Mama Lisa

Truth.

The Difficulty Of Being In The Present....


“Much of what ruins the present is sheer anxiety. The present always contains an enormous number of possibilities, some hugely gruesome, which we are constantly aware of in the background. Anything could theoretically happen, an earthquake, an aneurysm, a rejection – which gives rise to the non-specific anxiety that trails most of us around all the time; the simple dread at the unknownness of what is to come.”


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The truth in this quote resonates so deep with me.  Most days I know what the cause is. Sometimes it's over indulging in good times (drinking libations...lol)  Or sometimes it's a sleepless night.

Change.

Fear. 

I fight through my panic riddled days in search of my good days.

More times than not, I look for the best in all things.

Sometimes I'm a sour ass and I fold into a quiet cave.  My alone time where I sort.  Pray.

And search for PEACE.

I hope you're all grooving along...Can't believe we're already nearing the end of January 2020.

After Bill's birthday I feel like we are in the full swing of holiday closure.  Celebrations turn into healing. Packing away all the wrap. All the cards.  All the cake mixes and candles.

Waiting on Spring. 

Waiting on warmer days when flip flops line the front door.

These days of chilly dreary mornings.  Sleepless nights as I manage my little family.  

Sorting.  Loving.  And being present where I should be.

Or where I can be.

Hope you all have a great week-

As for me and my tired head and hands...I look forward to good health.  Happy birdies, and lots of hugs and sweet moments with my dude.

Love,

This Mama Lisa

FOUR Years....

I missed my proper HAPPY NEW BIRTHDAY to my birdie this week.

  

Lots goin' on roun' here....

Another Motherhood failure moment where I woke the NEXT day realizing it was January 14-

Kris celebrates a new birthday every year on January 13th.  The day those miraculous Stem Cells dripped into my guy.  

It was a very interesting day.  A day of excitement, yet fear.  A day of waiting for them to arrive from Germany.  A day family surrounded us.  A day we pulled out tape, and stuck a "Happy Birthday" banner above his head next to his "Tree" of IV's.  I can remember getting updates from the nurses about those stem cells landing in LA. Right down to them arriving at COH to be "counted"-

Then the moment they arrived to the little counter outside his room.  In an ice-chest. 

My heart was pounding. 

A day of him staring at me right in the eye asking everyone to leave the room. 

As someone said to me prior to his BMT, it's kind of uneventful...

Part of that is true.  The other part was messy.  And hard.  VERY hard.  Not one patient reacts the same.  Some enjoy the tunes of singing that birthday song.  Some want to roll into a ball with who they love in a dark room with no one around. 

That was him. 

My aunt, sister, daughter and Bill stood by as we watched the first drips. 

I silently cried.  Scared to death.  Scared of death.

And here we are FOUR years later. 

The odds leaning more in our favor just a tiny bit more.  

The mom still wakes every single fucking night all night with that nightmare in my rear view mirror. 

I'm quite sure it haunts him daily.

And yet here we are. 

He's alive.  I hug him. He hugs me.  We text love words often.  We make each other laugh harder than we should over silly things only he and I get. 

I wear the T-shirts my friends and family bought me.  I have Mom Of A Warrior that my aunt Nettie bought me that still has a stain from the hospital stay.  It's a reminder of my strength. Most importantly it's a reminder of just how strong a human can be.  Like Kris. 

Little by little you toss out the bandaids that helped us get through.  You mentor those going through the fight.  You tell them only the positive pages.  Because who really needs to know just how turbulent that plane ride would get. 

At times I felt like we were on a crazy train without brakes. 

And yet here we are. 

I stare at his beautiful hair now in complete awe.  He was down to just a few lashes.  Maybe 3. 

My car recently died.  Like fluid spewing out the minute you filled it up.  The part of Lisa you guys might all know is I don't like change.  I like my cars.  I like my broken DORKY phone (as the kids call it).  I attach myself to things that still work FOR ME...

The day I had to walk away from it, I mourned the days of driving with my warrior hat on to City Of Hope in the CarPool lane BY MYSELF because I was just needing to get to my boy.  Didn't give three shits of getting pulled over.

The days of filling his front seat with blankets and pillows headed for Chemo. 

What a journey. 

FOUR years. 

A new chance.  

A new life.

Not always easy.  As a matter of fact, you'll hear him tell people he's tired of feeling sick and tired.

But he gets up every day. 

He pushes through on his roughest days.

Kris, you are one strong human. 

You, along with the many others who've put up a fight against that beast, are incredible humans. 

May you live a long happy life. 

I love you.  Happy belated birthday handsome. 

Mama will always be your warrior partner. 

All my love,

Mama

And You Push.

I received a text from Kali this morning. A text filled with more anxiousness.  

Because when you're trying to keep your chin up in the corporate world, at the tender age of 23, you become overwhelmed with the pressure.

A goal set for a promotion.

Traffic to and fro...

Weekends that fly by.

Sunday night jitters.

Staying focused when your heart wants to blast off in a boat just like below.

The days were long and the years are short.

Both of these girls are hustlin-

Both of these girls are moving the mountains they were told they could.

Kali, you make mama and dad so proud.  You give me reason to push you even more. 

You can rule this position or you can let it rule you.  

Don't lose sight of the shore, and yet, never be afraid to set sail. 

YOU can do this!

The day we moved you back from college....

Blink your eyes......

Don't stop believing in yourself...

With love and so much admiration for your grit...

XO

Mama 

When The Days Were Long....

If I could step back in time and offer my role of Motherhood a better recipe.  That's the funny thing about finding old pictures.  Sometimes there's little slivers of light, and sometimes there's also little slivers of sadness.  

My wonder always gets the best of me.  Memories of what I know now, with no clue back then of what I was doing. 

If I could step back and hug him more a little tighter.

If I could step back and whisper more love into his ears.

If I could be more present, versus rushed through parenting days and nights.

For those with little ones....here's my gentle reminder....

The days are long but the years go by way too fast.

I hope you all have a great weekend, spent with those you love.

Keep love, kindness and Faith, first.

My hugs have never meant more than they do now...

I love you Kris. 

This Mama Lisa

Happy Birthday To Bill!

Happy Birthday my sweet beloved Bill. Also known as "handsome"-

You are a living example of success. 

You are the hardest working man I've EVER known. 

You've been dedicated to all those you serve, most importantly to us, your family.

You have given me more sweet and saucy moments than I ever expected to endure. 

I will stand tall for you because you've taught me what love feels like.

And you still claim me even when I wear hats that sit too high on my noggin.

Here's to the longest life together, to continuous growth, to finding the perfect spot to drop our anchor, to family celebrations.  To rooms filled with laughter around our friends...

You, YOU....are the best man I know. 

Wishing you a day filled with kind text messages.  A day filled with compassion from those that love you.  

Sure the cake might have too many candles to light -lol, but let's not count those.  Let's embrace the journey that brought you here.  To good health. - To good kisses.  To long hugs.  You give the best hugs.

I love you. 

So much. 

I love you. I love you, I love you.....

Lisa

Happy Weekend To You....

Have a sweet weekend my friends....clean up that last bit of clutter.  Make those cozy recipes while this cool weather continues to cover us. 

Smile at strangers.

Be kind.

Priorities

It’s comforting to use someone else’s priorities to guide our work. It lets us off the hook.

But the only way to do our best work is to realize that part of what it means to do our work is to own the priorities as well.

Your boat, your compass.

Love,

This Mama Lisa