Being Schooled.

Though I've spent the last few weeks, and months sorting my feelings here on my blog there are things I think you should know. 

I've been schooled on a few things. 

It's amazing to walk through a crisis with shimmery lights coming through. 

Things like-

Reaching back out to a long lost family member separated by divorce, and hurt. A state away, but grabbed me by my heart because she's a Mama, and she is imagining this fight.  And because it's her nephew. The nephew she wrapped her arms around when he was just a tike.

Reconnecting with girlfriends you haven't spoke to in over a year because life got in the way, but connecting through the phone, as tears stream down my face.  She came by knowing where my hidden key is and stuffed Homemade Eggplant Parmesan in my fridge remembering it was my favorite dish. 

Receiving emails from my soccer community offering love, fundraising, their time and mostly kindness.

Coming home after a long day at the hospital to a note on my door. Or a cactus plant. Or a card. I've saved every single one.  Some day I plan to put a scrap book together.  Not for the happiness sake, but more for just memories. 

Sending emails to my family every day.  Updating them, while sometimes feeling bad that I use my favorite F word, knowing they don't really care.  They just want to know the latest on my birdie.

Watching Kali become a mature adult away doing what she does best at school. Taking shit by the horns and making her life happen.  Even when Mama forgets to text her on cute little important moments.  Mostly because I am hovering over her bro. 

Meeting new nurses and people that work hard to keep my boy going.  Even if it's just ice or a clean blood pressure cuff because they know I am a freak. 

Smiling at my boy and his smirking smile with that dimple right back during his darkest hours.  He does it for me. I made him promise me he'd fight with all he has.  I can't lose him. 

Standing in my living room hugging Bill tighter than we've ever hugged before.  With more meaning than any money could ever stress us out over. 

Waking up in the morning and smiling at eachother when he knows I want to just lay there and cry.  But we get up.  I put my warrior boots on and continue on.

Listening to his sisters tell me over and over what a good mama I am, and they know I can get through this.

Appreciating neighbors that spread love and food because they've known us, and our will to march on.

Understanding human nature in two parents that have never babied me, therefore learning this is life.  You can't change people, you just become a tad bit stronger and willing. 

Holding closer to my sister.  The only girl on this Earth that knows every ounce of me, and knows this nightmare inside and out.  We are like little alley cats that blossomed through life, and she knows I can do this.  

Learning more about food, nutrition, and small facts of protecting ones self from Cancer. 

Sugar feeds cancer and you worry when his cravings are just that-

Crossing paths with old friends from the field that have gone through this cancer path and transplant. Sharing small details, yet enough that make my stomach flip.  Because I am scared. 

Hugs mean more to me than anything else in the world. 

I've always been very secure with my independence, and lately I am the most insecure person. 

His girlfriend has been the large boulder of a rock to him.  She's stronger than me some days.  Still smiling for me, when I stand over his bed in tears. She pushes us to get strong.  Even when he looks like a little frail bird.  I've learned more names of medication than I ever thought possible. I know with each round what to ask for and what not. I've learned that squeaky wheels DO get oiled.  It's all part of this life. 

I've learned I have a strong tongue that doesn't tolerate bullshit very much during some of my darkest days. 

Shark week fucks me up.  

Cancer is wicked.  And it's scary.  But it won't take our family down.  

To my friends and family that have reached out.  Thank you.  To those I can't reach back to, I'm sorry.

I try, and I try.  

Some days seem so hopeful, like when he's on a boat.  Or sending and posting silly pictures.  I literally exhale. 

And then you have the big bag of reality that goes everywhere with me, waiting for his transplant date, and page after page of paperwork I navigate through.  For appointments, meds, and doctors. His financials alone would blow your mind. Three separate medicines that cost over 10k dollars, but our cost is much much less, but still you question things. 

Don't get me started on the homeopathic natural websites I find myself digging into late at night. 

Let's just say that healthy eating, researching and living is really the way to be.  Cancer statistics are increasing at an alarming rate people-

I love my friends, and I love my family.  Thank you for holding me up during the darkest days. 

Have a great weekend....

AXO Formal for Kali, birthday celebrations for Sav,
Drag races for Bill, and a much needed hair appointment for me.  Kris...well, after chemo tomorrow let's hope he has strength.  An appetite and big big smiles...

Who's ready for THANKSGIVING?  This girl.....

Right here. At this place.  A place I find safety.  Love.  Peace, and family.

"Peace begins with a smile"