Unfailing Friendship. And Love. Lots of LOVE.

 The days and weeks leading my path in this crisis with our boy, my friends stood by my side.  From arriving at the hospital to just sit in the courtyard across from me, or sitting in the cafeteria with me as I looked through goodie bags they'd make me.  Anything to make me smile.  Most importantly they provided humanity to tell me that  WE WILL get through this.  I never doubted our friendship.  Ever.  And this past weekend was a true light above my little noggin....These girls.....these girls.  Are my rock.  

The slices of KMS life.  From babyhood, to now.  I could stare at these pictures for hours.....

Maria's first text message to me.  "I'm setting the date for Dec 5th"-  Although I knew we'd need to do a fundraiser, I didn't have the spirit, time or energy to even begin a layout for one.

And just like that, they were getting in touch with Kali.  Asking for emails. Foraging through phone lists, and contacts.  All along I'm working, driving to and from appts. in and out of hospitals, and taking care of a home. Replying to them as they needed things from me.  The hard part in this, I am a planner.  Type A.  

The feeling of flaky was riddling me daily.  And the reminders.  No..."Lisa we got this"

 And they did.  I arrived the week before at Cindy's. Where she not only hand made cards for the party.  But had dinner ready for us.  In pure Cindy style, these weren't just any appetizer.  These were the "Cindy" way....home-made and delish. From the day I met her, I knew her hands built things from love.  She too will walk to the end of the world for her babies. (These bracelets were ordered and donated from my cousins Dom and Janine-Thank you!xo)

A place we'll soon get to know very well.  Bert (Maria's hubby) is a well known fundraising committee gentleman at COH. His work, and his dedication is something only a family like us going through the cancer fight would know.  Feel.  Touch. Wear and see. Bert, thank you.

From room to room you'd see pieces of love.  For my boy.  For this fight.  Captain Kris.  Representing the color orange.  For Leukemia.  Never in a million trillion years did I know how much this color would represent us.  Us as a family.  Extended through friends, colleagues, family, from little cousins to big cousins.  To my entire family.  Wearing this color of orange as a weapon for strength. 

 The cards Cindy made, with her perfectly sharpened pencils, (deserving a photoshoot of their own) is it just me, or do sharpened pencils like this make you want to sit and doodle.....

A blank canvas to share thoughts.  Love.  Words to read daily as he fights this next big fight.  A place where I will line the walls with love.  With encouragement.  With pictures. City Of Hope you will have our next brave fighter soon. 

 And so, as I began to scroll through the many pictures my sweet littlest birdie took of the afternoon....many could have been deleted. You know the typical story as a human. Deleting the "ones" we don't think we look good in.  But then you look at the other one of your best friends and one looks great.  And so on and so forth.  I'm pretty sure there will be plenty in here that others would have wanted to delete.  Whether it be the big nose shot in the below of me. Or the one above where my eyes are shut, and Shell's setting her spirit cup down, and we aren't posed perfectly.  But this is us.  This is us, you guys.  This is my pack. Big noses, drink setters, eyes closed, swooshed hair.  This is us.  My glue-

The friend that will text me daily during the darkest weepiest part of the storm, just to remind me everything is gonna be okay.  That my strength can't be faltered.  That I can do it.  Encouraging me to keep up that strength so we can plan a trip to a far far away place some day. 

Uncensored, and perfect.

 And Shelley will kill me because she's the one that grabs the camera after every shot to review it.  But look at that hair toss.  I mean, Shell.....80's--------and plus, I'm chewing on rocks.  So.....

 And Roxanne looks perfect.  As I type she's in surgery having a hysterectomy today.  Praying for strength. And comfort.  And the coziest jammies when you get home.

 My Auntie Nettie made this fantastic box for donations....just look at the detail......

The vines of my tree.

Imperfectly perfect.  Love.

 Mad love to these girls that worked around the clock for this fundraiser....

 And just like that, the party was nearing an end, but my local friends continued to roll in.  While this Mama Bird and Baby Bird shared moments....

 

Because in the end, when you find true happiness and guarded love from humanity in a true form, you feel it.

 And for that I will forever be grateful.  To you Maria. Shelley. Cindy. Roxanne. You girls, move me in ways you might not ever know....

 To the Dads that stand by us.  That take us by the hand when the tides push us back.  Thank you.

 To our baby's friends that come out to support because they've watched their friend crumble.

 Mac-Duts Daddy-O

 It was so nice to take a break, and look around at family.  Friends. Love. Laughter. Little cousins. Hugging my aunts, and my uncle.  Taking in, to those that took the time for us. 

City Of Hope....I am ready for you.  Well. Kinda.

 The next morning we decided to have Kris come over and open his cards. (I don't want him in crowded places right now because of viruses)  For a couple of reasons.  First, I thought it would be wise to gather his donations and get them in the bank, because hello, mama needs new shoes. jk.  Seriously, I would rather have those safe in the bank.  And second, I thought it would be nice to have breakfast together, to soon sit on the dining room floor and go through each card.  Through each word.  Through each second, and minute someone took to write words.  To him.  Friends that have been down this Transplant road, and brought him flannel sheets because she knows what's next.  To read how a family member is encouraging him.  Who drove many miles to come write those words.  And donate.  

Donating at a time when finances become tight, and more meaningful.  To look at every single envelope.  Especially the ones our little cousins put letter after letter of puffy stickers to form what they believed said "Get Well" or "I love you"-  Or their new talent...writing their name. 

 I watched my boy tear up.  Especially reading a card from my sister.  Because she's changed his diapers and will do whatever it takes, whenever to get him better.  He knows this. He will become sicker before better when he admits.  Going through these cards now is the best choice.

It was a day of reflecting.  And celebrating.  And sharing our path.  What will happen next is actually very scary to me.  I wish our path was sooner than later, only because it's like one of those things you just want to get going.  I still wake every night, all night.  Panicking.  I still get up every day in prayer.  I still sit up and look at his pictures and can't believe cancer is trying to take down our family. I still sit up and remind myself how lucky we are to have a match.  I still remind myself that my higher power brought me here because he knows I'm strong.  And so what won't take me down, as usual will make me stronger.  

I thank you friends.  To Jim and Rosa Bell for driving down.  It means more to me than  you may know. I hope to repay you with tons of extra hugs some day. To The Petersons whom stopped by to share their story.  Of parenting, heartbreak, and the life in science.  You're pretty rad Dave.  And your wife is a pretty incredible little sugar.  The two of you make a little love story.  To Liz Mikalson for coming by, when you don't even know Kris, but did it for me. For our family.  To Susie, Sheila, and Jane...again, just supporting me. To my aunts that continue to support me on the sidelines. You are why I can keep going.  To my cousins.You drove from Texas..jk(Chino-same thing ha)-I love you.  And my little cousins Ava, Cameron, London and Kennedy.  Love you stickers, and notes. -  To Sandra, my sis-in-not-law but you know what I mean.  Your love, your essential oils.  Your notes.  Your encouraging love.  Thank you. Little Rocky, your note made our whole family cry.  To Vicki and Riki- Generous much?! Holy cow.  Thank you.  Riki, sign up for modeling little one.  Or shall I say tall one.  Mike and Beth Pepper, you already know my love for you. And my spirit angel is holding on to your wings.

My normal crew of Kyoko and Mark Sickler.  You know my love.  It runneth deep.  And keep those angels peeing please. Because laughter, or shall I say Marks laughter is what will push me through. To Randy and Carmen you two are too generous too.  Your presence makes it feel like we're family. Russ, you came even when you're heart might be aching for your loss. Laura, your laughter is contagious.  To the friends that sent donations in.  Another round of applause to Maria, Shelley, Cindy, Roxanne, and Rachel- Thank you. 

I don't know if I can repay this.  But maybe someday somehow, I can.  

I love you all.  Tomorrow we embark on the very beginning of our journey at City Of Hope.  A long day filled with lots of information.  A day that will probably give me the jitters, as they always do.  But I will pray for strength. For extra back pats and little back affirming rubs on Kris.  As I know he's fifty times more scared. 

No moving backwards.  It's time to move in the direction of a CURE.  Of kicking cancer to the curb. 

To let him get back IN the water instead of just on TOP.  

May you all have a peaceful rest of the week.  I'll try to grow a sack and take some pictures tomorrow. 

Love, and the BIGGEST hug to you all---

This Warrior Mama Lisa 

ps. If you're reading this post and think, shit...she forgot me.  Please. Forgive. Me. 

Grateful Moments.

Thanksgiving.  Our annual tradition.  On the dock of the river "Foxes" in Parker, AZ.  Meeting up with friends past and present. Missing those we've embraced there once before.

Celebrating with new family members.  Loving through the trying times. Holding the word "Grateful" and "Thankful" closer than we've ever held it before.  Smiling deep into eachothers eyes because we all knew it was special.  We knew the sun shone down on us by purpose.  That we'd have a new chapter to fill.  Even when drunk cowboy photo bombers slide in.....

We are grateful. 

Now to keep looking back through these images during the dark days, so sun shines bright in the halls of a place giving our dude a new life. 

Happy Monday--

This Mama Warrior

Little Update

Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call at 3pm. from our Transplant Coordinator- Donor needs 2 weeks delay.

A couple of things came to mind immediately when she began to explain.  Which both are beyond understandable.  He's either in college awaiting Winter Break (just like our littlest), and or really wanting to get through Christmas with family instead of the amazing feat of donating. Deep down last week I kind of wondered if this would happen.  I really feel that things happen for a reason. I always have.  As much as I have my entire month laid out, this was meant to be. 

What does this mean?  Instead of our check-in date of Dec 14, and new birthday of Dec 23, we will now check-in around Jan 3, with a new birthday of Jan 13.  I guess going from a Leo, to a Capricorn has it's benefits, right?

Joking kids, joking.

I believe Kris will always be a Leo. His spirit is unbreakable.

As I texted him just as we hung up he already knew.  Testing will still continue, and our big appointment with our transplant doctor will continue next Wednesday. We'll head to City Of Hope next week to meet, look, listen, touch and smell.  We'll search around for new answers, and support.

The tests that have been ran on him this week will be processed.  They will discuss maybe one more spinal biopsy to make sure his body hasn't let any bad guys back in. 

I've started the process of what my sister calls "nesting"- She couldn't be more right.  After she said that to me, it all made sense.  I have this crazy feeling to get his old room revamped, cleaned out, and sorted for his return home after transplant.  I've made arrangements for new furniture.  For a layout of little side tables, and the most comfortable rugs to ease his transition back to a new body.

And so as I write out this post....I have to exhale out.  To breathe out the date I've circled on not only my calendar, but a families calendar.

And that's okay.  Because you know what?   It's all meant to be.

Wishing you all a beautiful Saturday.  From the looks of things, and the chirps from the birdies outside my window it's gonna be an awesome day.  Another reason to stare out my window with gratitude. Another reason to keep smiling, and keep those positive vibes flowing around my home, and beyond. 

Love, Faith, and Hope will get us through.  And....Sunshine....crispy mornings, and sunshiny afternoons....

And straight non-frizzy hair. That too.

So many of my smiles begin with YOU-

Big Love,

This Warrior Mama Lisa

It Takes Someone...

 

"It takes someone really brave to be a mother...Someone strong to raise a child....And someone special to LOVE someone more than herself"

 

Happy Friday my friends...I hope you enjoy all that this life gives you.  Even through the storms.  Let's try to remember all the good we've been given....

 

BIG LOVE-

This Mama Lisa

Oh. You Know...

I've been told when you go through a chapter of this sorts you have good days, and you have bad days. And I'm not even the patient.  I'm just the Mama Bird.  I arrived home on Tuesday night with my artillery in tow which consisted of my huge bag already filled with binders, paperwork, groceries and extra stuff I brought home from Kris' desk.  I notice a package delivered via FedEx- 

As I bring my stuff in, I scroll through mail.  Each day, new paperwork from Kaiser.  From City Of Hope. For Kris.  In this fight.  

This particular package was from our nurse coordinator at COH.  It entailed his layout for transplant.  From the very detail of what med starts when.  Our main voyage will begin on Dec 9th.  Meds starting on Dec 11- 

I changed out of my work clothes, put my hair on top of my head.  Grabbed my glasses.  Made some hot calming tea, and began to read.  Lots of information.  Information I would soon wish I would have opened in the morning versus after a long day.  Especially sitting alone.  

I was scared.  So I started cleaning.  And crying.  And sorting.  And pulling out Christmas decorations that I am trying to avoid but don't want to taint the holidays for Kali.  Or Kris. Or Bill.  Or whoever wants to see them.  Reminding myself of the reason for the holiday.  That love is going to keep me together.  

I woke the next morning, pouring my coffee, heading back to my room, and back under my blankets at 5:30am.  Avoiding those papers.  

Kris would arrive to drive himself to his first appt at 9:30.  His car wouldn't start.  It's been sitting for a while. I walk outside to tell him I will go with him. I'll drive. It's okay...on and on. 

But first we'd need to look through these papers "real quick"-

He began to cry.  I began to cry.  

We're fucking scared.  To check yourself in somewhere unfamiliar.  To have your life preserved and saved, yet the unknown rocking your world by the words such as "radiation"- And the various meds documented.  And where to check in on that very first day.  A full month of pretty much every bad thing he's heard.  Me trying to not cry and just rubbing his back.  Doing what Mom's do.  Talking him through it.  His little eye lashes missing, and that dimple side smile he gives me because he knew I was crumbling inside.  As I apologize over and over.  

We headed out. 

To the first appointment where we carried in a jug of urine.  24 hour worth of collection.  As we check into that appt, I let him know I'd be back.  I walk into a lab carrying that jug where there's a hundred or so people waiting.  I'm #133, there's one clerk, and they've just called #108-  And so......

I stepped outside to call my friend Shelley.  A call I needed to sit in sunshine outside the door to discuss things, and vent a little. 

As I head back in when I see #129, soon to be called, I get to a lady that has a language barrier.  She's referring to Kris as a "She", which makes my insides crawl in all the wrong places.  I correct her because I am a b word.  She begins to hand me paperwork to fill out for the urine, ------in Spanish.   Um, sorry, I can't read this.  She tells me they have no more.  I tell her to go find english.  

She also begins to tell me he has blood work to do. I let her know he has a port and blood work isn't done anywhere else but the Infusion center.  We go back and forth until I walk away....headed back up to EKG/Ultrasound.  As I walk in, he's waiting and smiling. 

They call us back.  As he's getting weighed, someone calls his cell from "THE LAB"-  Telling him that the nurse needs to draw blood.  THEY DON'T DRAW BLOOD IN EKG, OR ULTRASOUND DEPT. 

I lose my shit, and start doing Mama Warrior mode.  

Just short of cocking my neck back and forth, our nurse says "let me call them".  Feeling my vibe she calls down there and shakes the building.  My kind of girl.  My.Kind.Of.Girl.-------

I head back down with my cute fuzzy birdie telling him to stand outside in the fresh air, while I go and "find my prey" jk-- well kinda. 

As I enter back up to Aisle D where the girl recognizes me she begins to type in his info and prints out 18 little labels.  My response "Um, are those the viles you are taking from him?"  Yes.  Yes, they are.

Okay...where do we go, I need to take him around the side to the other door avoiding this filled lab with mostly sick people. 

He finds a seat at #7 with a super sweet girl that immediately starts on about his tattoo's and agrees to wait while I run down to a little cart to get him apple juice and a banana.  Understanding he's a skinny dude, and those little viles will infact drain just a tad bit of whatever from him. 

Kris smiles at me, as I run down and back.  He drinks down the apple juice and takes 3 bites of the banana. 

Off we go.  

As we enter the car, both exhausted from the anxious process that just took place he says "Mom, this seriously is so rediculous but there's no one to even be mad with or at"-

True Bub.   He has so many tests.  But they are vital.  Making sure his body can withstand radiation.  More chemo. Receiving the gift of a new life.

I dropped him off, and headed to work.  As I left last night a friend of mine called.  She worked at The City Of Hope.  The timing of her call was everything I needed.  I spoke to her all the way home, and back to my kitchen table where I read to her the treatment plan, etc.  She walked me through more of the unknown, and of course lightly tossed a blanket over my shoulder.  Helping me understand, yet understanding me.  As a parent.  

I jumped in the shower and began to pray.  I pray more than I ever have.  Ever. 

There are days that feel so easy.  Like on the uphill of a rollercoaster.  And then there are days that feel like you are falling down the highest drop.  There are days where I feel like I am failing.  I haven't returned a text.  Or my most special friends and family are hosting an amazing fundraiser and I can hardly put my mind around decorations, or food.  

These hazy days mean so much to me, yet I look around at the continued heart ache and tragedy from terrorist. People losing loved ones.  People witnessing horror right in front of their eyes. Knowing more will probably unfold.  Because of evil. 

Please bear with me if I bark at you.  Or you witness me bark at someone.  I've become more of a fighter Mama than the sweet little mama lisa.  My soul has been tainted. For the next few months I will surround my baby with as much love, guidance, protection, and peace as I can.  I will need friends and family to understand me.  I pray for the haze to lift.  For life to be reborn into my birdie.  I pray he gets through these next few months with the tiniest of silver linings.  He will move back with me while he heals. I will have to admit meds into his body and transport him back and forth as he regains strength.  

I will be.....his Mama Warrior.....

Right now? I can't get off this roller coaster....

Love to you all....Many big days ahead...many big changes, and challenges.  

WE can get through it. Together, as a unit.  We will. 

Love and peace to you all....

Mama Warrior Lisa

Love That Binds.

Part of the first few days of finding out Kris had a match, I was elated, yet nervous and scared.  If you do some research on the path of transplant, you can only understand what a parent would go through.  In all good intentions I walked around with the biggest smile, yet butterflies fluttered around in my belly.

On Friday I scurried around with plans to head to City Of Hope to take referral paperwork, and meet with our transplant nurse coordinators.  To give paperwork, and more love.

Receiving a call while on the road stating his transplant was already in the works and dates were being laid out-

I would soon land at my friend Beth's home.  She's tucked away above PCH with a view to melt your eyes. Exactly what I needed.  I needed her soothing blankie over my shoulders.  She's a 6 year transplant survivor.  She was diagnosed with AML at 48.  We met on the soccer field 4 years ago.  There was me, the Varsity Rep. handing out papers, soliciting emails, field notes, and pretty much just soccer mama stuff.  I was never good with "stats"-  but I thrived sharing love, and goodness from each field, or game.  One day sitting next to her complimenting her beautiful short hair. To soon sit shot gun next to her sharing her story.

Little did I know that one day I would be pulling up to her house wanting to rush in, sit down and just talk.  And cry.  And pry.  Anything and everything I can about "transplant".  And the shitty trials of cancer.  And the really fucked up things that happen with chemo. And the chemical process that slowly took my boy down like a thumb in a thumb wrestle battle.  She gets me.  She gets all of it.  She lets me talk, and ask a trillion questions.  She. Doesn't. Care.  She listens, encourages me.  Her husband Mike doing the same.  Hearing it from his side.  The caretaker.  The lover.  The husband. The many days, hours, minutes and torture moments watching his wife take on new marrow to learn to live, walk, grow....

They get this. She's the first one I think of when I have a new concern. She's my first text with something new. She's my mentor and she probably never in a million years knew she'd be...

Bill starting texting me that evening.."hun, where are you"-

Me stating where, and I'd be home soon.  That soon wore on for another almost 2 hours.  I arrived, he was starving...and concerned.  Knowing I was overwhelmed, and just needed a shoulder.

He poured me wine.  And we talked.  I made an omelet for our dinner and we'd call it a night.

The next morning he said..."Let's go have lunch in HB"-

He drove me down PCH.  Pulling into Dog Beach. I'm thinking....hmmm what the heck.  Dog beach?

As we exit, I'm in boots. It's almost 80 degrees.  He asks for my help to open lid of truck.

He had an entire picnic set and waiting to carry to a bench we'd always talked about sitting at.

Our uber good bottle of wine in tow, various amazing cheese, flowers, water in a vase. (He bought and packed the truck the night before as I was with Beth and Mike)

Here.  Would you look at this you guys....xo

He say's LET'S CELEBRATE MAMA!  Our boy is gonna get through this!

The bind in our love isn't just lust.  Or the plain organic start of a budding friendship.  What happens after time in life is relationships go through trials.  They go through crisis.  They go through excitement.  Good times traveling to amazing places, raising our glasses with friends. They go through heartache saying goodbye to a parent, or friends.  They go through milestones of sending your little girl off to college.  They go through happy times loading the truck lake bound.  They dance together at concerts.  They yell at eachother over silly yet meaning full things.  They hug and cry together.  They laugh hard together. They sleep together and they sleep apart.  They are strong for eachother when the world is pushing like the tides.  They sit and stare at eachother over decisions their kids make.  One not agreeing with the other.  They stand at the side of a hospital bed adjusting a blanket because they are nervous.  They switch places because a business needs attention, but a child needs a parent bedside fighting for their life.   They wake morning after morning realizing this bad dream isn't a bad dream but one worth fighting THROUGH.  They open their best bottle of wine, and sip it nibbling on cheese hugging eachothers legs and smiling with some laughter how funny it was to drink red wine at noon.  They get eachother.  Through it all.  My best friend.  My soulmate.  My everything. 

He is.  

Bill, thank you for making that Saturday extra sweet.  You fill my hardest days with hope. 

I've never felt secure, in all my life.  Sitting next to you in this life makes it worthy-

Let's do this.  Ready to put on our warrior boots?  

Come on baby....."Two Sparrows in a hurricane"

I love you.  

This Warrior Mama Lisa

ps-  HAPPY BIRTHDAY TREVOR!  The most kindest guy with the best laugh in the world! Love you! Hope you are enjoying those rocky mountains!