Five And A Half Years.

Remnants of a dusty pot-hole filled road we left behind.

Pictures of our donor.  

A hero to me. 

A hero to my son. 

In Germany. 

I fight PTSD almost daily. I'm quite sure Kris does too.  

But it's these images I stare at in awe.

A true miracle. 

Piranha last week in Germany on a hike. 

The cross. 

You guys.....

We're tied for life.  

Miraculous. 

Truly, truly a miracle. 

Two Men. Almost 10 years apart. 

Leukemia. 

Be The Match. 

DKMS (International Blood Cancer Donor Search)

City Of Hope. 

Life. 

Humanity. 

Hope you're all having a great new start to the week.  

Keep washing your hands.  Don't touch your face and soak up some sunshine, it's better for you than you may think.

Much love, and a song for you to listen to....

This song always gives me tears when I hear it.  Reminds me of having Kris so young.  So naive.  So tough.  So so lost.

With Arms Wide Open

I love you Kris. I love you Kali.  I hope I can be here for the rest of my days watching you smile. Staying healthy, safe and more days full of smiles than sadness. 

Peace,

This Mama Lisa 

Fifty One.

For the first time in my life I step out of bed each day with a doomed feeling of an aching body. 

Not always physical, because sometimes the emotions of years past creep under my skin throughout long nights.  Nights I lay awake. Some of those nights offer little bouts of hot flashes. Not anything 

I can't handle at this point, but it sucks putting my legs out, grabbing the blankets again when I'm cold.   I just love a cold room. Darker the better.  

So.....age.

Age is starting to open my eyes. 

First of all, please know, I can care less about the number. 

To me it's what I've created, worked for and accomplished.

To be a good human.

I feel it now.

Over indulging on travel food.  Restaurants.  Good food, amazing wine and appetizers. 

Surely biting my ass when we return.

I am not a gym rat by no means.  Not my thing, never will be.  But I try so hard to eat clean.

To work out to the best of what my body needs. I try to go every day.  If not,  I walk....lots.

Wrinkles around my lips have recently whispered to me "Hey Leese, maybe a liiiitttle bit of Botox"?

My flabby belly asking to "flatten the curve"

But then we indulge in life.  We enjoy life's finest offerings. 

I see it. I feel it. 

I'll still hold on to certain shorts and dresses. 

Things just fit and look different at Fifty One. 

So what we do, is we buy more dresses.  Long flowly dresses. It's my jam. 

What IS on the  NO FLY LIST is Two Pieces.  I see ladies my age rockin' em.  Trust me I have plenty.  Maybe if I had a boob job to upload and bring things up and together I'd feel more comfortable.  kidding. 

I've always been conservative in the body department.  

I remember someone once told me....when you get older your mind is still the youngster in thoughts, but your body starts changing.  And fast.  

Truth.

 There's a lady at the gym that is probably my age.  Fit mom group.  LOL.  I wondered one day...."Dang she looks so amazing, like what the shit balls is her recipe" eh em, probably no wine Lisa whispered to herself. #boring.  lol

And then I remind myself of my worth. How hard I do try to stay healthy.  How I make my own salad dressings, and buy all organic but will slide down a glass of red wine like it's butter on a roll.  I love to go out to dinner ....hello years of serving and cleaning.   But then I remind myself my hands prepare good clean food.  Bill helps me now more than ever.  (Just don't come in the kitchen when mama's cooking...growlllll)

Balance.

Life. 

Living. 

Getting the invite to travel to friends homes in amazing places, and going.  

While we were in Cabo these last couple of trips I had some pretty nirvana amazing moments. 

Pinch me moments, if you will. 

Moments where I thought, man.....life is such a trip.  One day you're walking hallways of hospitals staring at the wheels on a gurney or the tired eyes of hard working nurses trying to help answer all of your panicked questions. To years later floating across waves out on a private chartered boat with friends that stood back and watched us battle.  

I've had long walks and chats with friends and neighbors.  About life.  About what money can do to people. It makes us feel so good but can wipe out the best of things in a hot minute.  We can work out and be so health conscious and yet be taken away a second later.  We can say yes for the things today and possibly be punished by our actions tomorrow. 

Life. 

Getting older is hard.  What I've learned is there's no way out.  Just gracefully allowing my body to change. To show me the way. 

Grateful 

I've spent years and years walking through remorse and grief.  I've made the best of things and fucked alot of different things up too.  I think we all have, really. 

So many times I've resigned to the fact that it most likely will get harder before easier.  

I've learned that a family that once came together for gatherings for certain occasions didn't last.  And same with the other side.  Things changed.   

Sure I look at other families that LOOK like they have it all together in the BIG family get togethers, and I remind myself, this isn't our plan.  

We have to love those in our lives, with patience.  With kindness.  Mostly, with understanding. 

I think that's the part we're all missing.  We can agree to disagree.  

Leaving my footprints on this Earth will be a tad bit silly, sad, fun, hard and mostly my legacy of wearing so many gosh damn hats. LOL 

(funny back story, another reason I loathe looking at pictures with age, is my nose and face is morphing into an ol' gal so my hats make me FEEL pretty.  And that should be okay.....right?)

Also,  hello sun damage I see you I hear you. 

Big hat, little nose? Got it. 

I'm grateful for what I have.  For humans that rally with and or around me.  For my Seal Beach girlfriends for the dinners we rally together for.  

For celebrating me. 

Humans are incredible.  We really are.  

Friends are incredible.  You really are.

Summertime is incredible.  Except Havasu.  We need to have a talk.

So go live.  Move your body.  Eat clean.  Smile at a stranger.

Hug your family.  And friends.  Thank God we can see each other smile now.  Good riddance, it saddens me to think of the littles that missed out on human smiles for a year.  

Live hard, smile big, and remember to compliment a stranger.   Humans need your love more than ever. 

Plan a trip.  Make it happen. 

This Mama Lisa 

Five Months.

Hello.....

So it's been FIVE Months since I've checked in....a new record.... 

 

A little hiatus from le' blog never did anyone harm, so they say.  Until you realize family and friends kind of relied on updates-schmupdates here. 

We've been livin. Renovating. Working on our post work life. Making new friends, bonding with long time friends and traveling. 

All along my passion for writing, or jotting down memories on this blog, a constant reminder.  I started this blog as a diary to my birdies. 

I think of family members who live in other states that would catch up this way.  My Godmother who doesn't do Social Media but would catch up on here.  

Recently a few people nudged me again. 

Lisa, just write.  It's what you love, it's what makes you happy.

Side note:  I did have ex-family members on Bill's side that were consumed with poking into our lives. It's kinda funny now looking back.  The ones that are super sweet and kind to your face, but had daggers behind your back.  Those types. I'm hopeful those sponges are still growing fat and happy and will just let us live the lives we worked our asses off for. 

Pipe down Lisa.  That's my hard side.  I'll forgive people, but I'll never forget.  And then there's those that you won't even forgive.  You just know things will run its course the way it's supposed to. 

I stepped back from my therapy. My blog.  A place I would share so much. 

And so last week I thought, you know..fuck it.  Do you.  Write the joys of the life you're walking in.  

The good.

The bad.

The ugly.

And the gosh-damn beautiful.  

What I do want to point out.  Bill saved me from a pretty hard life.  He's given me more love than I've ever felt.  Along with that, he's allowed me a life I never knew possible.  When I share kisses, hugs or good times with him on here, it's genuine. From the bottom of my heart, from the bottom of all I have, please know for the last 25 years he's made me feel beautiful.  Worthy.  And important.  As I do for him.  I hope he knows the depth of my love. 

We both promised one another that we'd push through these next chapters.  A new way of life. Years of hard work, trauma of saving our son.  We'd be okay....without the humans you once called family. You move on with out.  

Because that's exactly what I promised myself the day I walked out of the fiberglass shop after almost 25 years.  These next chapters would be about healing.  About making others smile.  There have been moments where I feel completely lost, and others where I feel like I've fled a bad dream.

In more ways than I can express here, every 5 years something significant has happened to me.  Going back to the ripe age of 5, I can always look back and say....wow, ya. 5, then 10, then 15.  It's just a wild rearview mirror. 

It's where I get my strength from.  It's also where I get my tendencies from.  And there's many. 

Fast forward to my blog.  It is (was) an outlet for me. A place to go to vent.  To share.  To laugh and to reminise.  A place where both our birds can go back and think wow....mom.  She was a silly one.  Or....wow her love for me was so SO deep.  She didn't have a recipe book on "How to raise the perfect human" but that she did her best. Definitely opposite from my upbringing.  With that, comes understanding, and tolerance from the same recipe book they didn't have. 

And so....

Here we are.  July 9th.  

Drove back from Havasu on Wednesday for a Pap Smeaaarrrrrrrrr Thursday.  THAT is something ain't NO woman will ever get thru without the jitters.  I felt like a 16 year old on that paper lined bed thing waiting for her to knock and come in.  Then the whole.....ok, slide down...little more....little more.  LOL!!!!!

*sorry not sorry guys.  

This is life.  Right?  

So Covid Schmovid still lingers with drama and the whole vax choice.  Family gets things twisted and mangled with an agenda that might not fit yours....and life moves on and you hold on to those that make you feel the best. 

The people that hold you up during the hard days.  I turned 51 in April.  My body showing remnants of the sunshine that showned down on me all these years.  The wrinkles lining my lips.  The RBF I have if I'm dwelling or concentrating on something.  The tired eyes from some sleepless nights.  The tap on my shoulder at times about how we tend to drink more the older we get because "we're not here for a long time just a good time" but then you feel like shit the next day for any action that was caused by said drinking. 

This is life, right?

I hope you're all doin' okay and that whatever you choose in this life makes you happy or at least some what justifiable lol.  Politics. Health. Vaccine choice.  Or not. Friends you've had to let a loose grip on because things just don't pair up. Family you've held on loosely too, for that same reason. 

Vibes from people that serve you no good.  

My oldest birdie doin' okay out in the desert.  Passed his NMLS board test.  A license to sling mortgages now.  Prepping his resume for the next steps.  Driving boats, launching boats and slingling what he can to make it all work.  Mostly to continue to heal from the dusty hell launched road he went down.  

My youngest birdie doing the same.  Working hard and climbing her corporate ladder.  She passed the same test with a score just a couple digits under her big bro. The only reason I mention this is because I just find it funny how they'd both end up studying for Mortgage Loan stuff...

 She took in a kitten in October,"Beau" or  Beaubie....or bo-bo....Funniest, loudest crazy little boy- only to fight for his life in June.  A traumatic few weeks that went sideways fast. Her dad would go over in the mornings and evenings to give him a shot that was so traumatically painful. Whatever it took, we did.  He died a week before her 25th birthday.  She's still healing and as she said "I don't think anyone knows just how hard this is mom"

Oh, I know....and some folks will say....it's just a cat.  Or it's just a dog.  It's not.  It's family.  It's love. 

It's sleepless nights nurturing them to survive, to soon fight to keep them alive. 

So stay tuned kids.  I'll be jumpin back in- We've been having quite a fun summer.  A few trips to Cabo, some trips back and forth to our lake house.  Dinners with friends, bands across the street in Taco Surf with a reunion like feel of our local buddies. 

Life is good. 

See?

Before we leave Cabo where we're blessed to have friends like Paul and Mary who treat us like family- A Covid-Schmovid test is mandatory.  We're lucky enough to have the doctor come to their house and slide that pokie little smokey up our nostrils to our brains.  EW. 

The pathway to the beach from their house...

I have some moments there that I will take to my ashes.   Easy, simple and outright organic fun.  We planted ourselves in the sand with our umbrella and chairs as the tide got closer and closer until it swept half our chairs away...scampering like children and laughing like clowns.  THE BEST!

I 

There's something about these Pueblo Mexican made mugs that start my morning coffee off just right....

Here's my little tip to my cake buying these days.  I order all white, single or double layer and add my own flowers.  What started out as terrible handwriting from Vons bakery "again" ended with a good ol' classic mama mode switch up.  I smeared what the lady had wrote into just green smeared...? effect- Drove across the street to Devynn's Gardens, bought my own few sprigs, cut em down and made my own. Same with my little banner.  

Wanna little throw back?

Must have been a rainy season for my curls to make an appearance. 

Add in a small curling iron....and you have Milly Vanilly.  Or whatever his name is.  LOL!!!!

You're welcome. 

And to that I say.......

See you soon kids!

Have a great weekend doing what makes YOU happy!

This Mama Lisa 

ps- I have so many pictures to go through.  From all the angles, from all the travels.  I'll get to em I promise-  We've been living, loving, hurtin and grinding away with LIFE!

Mic Check. Womp. Womp.

 What's up cool cats and kittens?! You make it through the holidays ok?

Well, almost two months blazed by.  Not without the normal garb that goes into closing out a year. 

Or in my case I tend to walk a tender line through holidays.  This one no different.  Cry baby...

December was actually a blur if I'm being honest. I shopped last minute.  I grazed through some stores fighting with my mask, fiddling with my glasses getting fogged up. Trying to smile at strangers with my eyes. 

One thing you all probably know about me, is my desire to throw compliments out like it's confetti.  I always try to find something good on, or in someone. (Just today, the lady working at The Dollar Tree was the most sincere loving and kind human to the elderly shopping her line-) She needs to know her kindness isn't taken for granted. At least not by me.  Not being able to smile at humans while out and about did its number on me during my most tender-of-months-emotionally.  December. 

Constantly reminded while out with Kali "Mom, put your mask back on" - Oh. Sorry. I pull that shit down so people can not only hear me (I don't talk loud enough)- BUT to smile at a server.  Someone bagging my groceries, or a tender gesture to an elderly human.  I still wonder the effects this pandemic will have on our next generation.  The little's in tow.  Mask on, big yellow dots on the floor on where to stand.  Then you add in the crazy 6 foot distant police.  Crazy.  Trust me, I have introvert tendencies and no one wants us to climb up on the other....but when someone tells me I can't look at greeting cards because they're standing there....then they shouldn't be out shopping for greeting cards. Bam.  

That's a whole different topic for a whole different post.  Let's just say...I hear and see such hypocrisy right in my own family.  And friends.  It's hurtful and it's weird.  *so and so can't go over or be around because she didn't have her mask on and we can't police her/him...but let's not shine the light down on ourselves for going out and about at neighbors houses and sharing all the things...drinks, food and company.  LOL. 

Resentful much Lisa?  Yea.....just a little. 

During Christmas each year I tend to get stiff with emotions. I become sad easily and music sends me over the top.  I hold harder grudges against the grains of family issues from the past.  I feel left out, yet I stay out on purpose.  So it's a double edge sword I shoot against myself. 

Powerful seasons, split wide open.  You win some you lose some. 

This last December was no different.  However, we did stroll back and forth quite a bit from Havasu (AZ) to (CA).  Now I have birdies in each state.  One delicate flower cactus finally adjusting to a new life in AZ with a new little family of his own. (Alexis, and animals, animals, animals....) and FISHING.  Cautiously dancing around a virus, he is finding his way out there.  He's studying to take his Mortgage Loan License test and it's overwhelmed him more than a few times.  To say I am proud of how far he's come with the journey he was handed is beyond.  He's a walking miracle.  And someone that really shrugs off assholes like they're flies and looks for rainbows after a rainy day.  He's never a spiteful mean person, he just wants to love and fish. haha. 

Taking no more than about 3 weeks away from Kali, she tends to miss mama the most.  By the way...Shout out to you little sweet birdie- New job new year! Big new beginnings. Dad and I are so incredibly proud of the woman you're becoming. Level headed, and a bright beam of light for success. It's why we've worked so hard to provide and show you the example of dedication to goals.  

Mid December came and I was reminded of our annual Christmas Boat Parade back at the beach.  I packed my car (did you guys know I haul 3 pillows back and forth, along with bags and bags of clothes....lol) and jammed back to the beach.  Arriving at 3pm, I'd grab our ladder and yanked our tree down from the garage rafters, bins of lights and most decor.  Well, the most I could handle alone.  

My bestie came over and we sat down next to my tree sipping white wine and got caught up.  Sulking in a way because we couldn't have our annual Christmas Party, but then I kind of reminded myself that sometimes these little slices of a break might just be for a reason.   The lightest decorating of all time, but I did it. 

I stayed back just long enough to get Christmas gifts handled, wrapped and repacked into my car to head back to the desert.  A week before Christmas.  I was exposed to le'Coronito virus so I could only drop off my bin of gifts at Kris and Lexi's doorstep. After spraying the top of them with Lysol. LOL.  Cried driving away...because I could hear the dogs barking.  They knew Grammie was there.  And yet I said don't let them out, I don't want them kissing on me.  SAD!

Bill and I drove back to the beach on Christmas day.  And if you wonder where we ate?  That'd be McDonalds.  Yes.  Mickie-dee's.  He's a McRib guy, true fan loyal to the core.  Everything else was closed in Barstow.  I love Filet o' Fish.  So it was a win win.  Disgusting once we got home and felt the after effects of eating fast food.  No bueno.  

Two days later we'd be on a plane headed to Cabo.  Our friends in the harbor bought a beautiful home there last year.  An invite shared all last year.  Between moving Kris, and Bill's surgery...it was always a "maybe next time guys!"  

December 27, we landed in Cabo.  With 4 couples. And a trip that will go down as one I will never forget. 

Paul and Mary.  Coolest cats in town. 

I had a nirvana moment on the boat we chartered the next day.  Floating across the water with whales in the distance, sitting atop the "net" over the water while sipping a margarita.  Can't fully describe it, but I will take it to my ashes.  As a matter of fact, maybe my family can celebrate my life that way some day. 

Just don't leave my ashes behind anywhere. LOL. No, I'm serious.  

We stayed a week and had over-the-top fun.  Paul and Mary stop at nothing short of amazing.  They had a chef come to their home and cook for us on NYE and also the last night we were there.  We floated in their pool on New Years Day.  We walked down to the beach side on NYE at sunset to watch them release baby turtles out to sea...pure bliss. 

Incredible. Truly, incredible. 

Yes, our liver-warning-lights came on flashing with a vengeance.  But you get the jist of it all, right? 

After arriving back, we jetted back to Havasu to celebrate Kris' 5th Re-Birthday!  

In the Bone Marrow Club, this milestone is a big one to get to. 

Life is flying by for us.  

We managed to sneak back to Cabo with just Paul and Mary a couple weeks ago.  Flights were awesome. Airports and airplanes empty...so why not....WHY NOT.....We had to take Covid tests before coming back to CA.  All good.  All negative.  

I've been cleaning out drawers and bins from my old house.  Bill and I both tossing old pictures that don't matter to us anymore.  The relief of things and people that will never be of worthwhile. Tossed.  I sat intently on the floor staring at some and sharing with my sister.  Look at this gem. My grandparents. 

Thirty two years ago. Divorced, and yet still danced at my wedding. My grandma is beautiful.  My grandfather, rest in peace...was so so handsome.  So wild to look back at memories. 

Tina and Lisa.  Wee little pea-pods.  Before life got hard, and deliriously strange at times. 

My sister and Tori came down a few weeks ago- Kali hosted her first little brunch for us, and we walked down to the water...

Seasons are coming and going.  Finding beauty in all that we've missed throughout the years.  Loving the moments with those I love.  Understanding the rift of those that want us to stay back because of the covid-schmovid.  We get it.  

I hope you're all hanging on tight. Learning new schedules.  Washing reusable masks (ew)- Smiling with your eyes, or at the very best, tossing out compliments to those that deserve it.  

I'm incredibly grateful for good health.  For good friends.  For great birdies.  For sunsets and for sunrises. 

Grateful. 

"I love the way you love me"

And if you think life is all rainbows and unicorns all the days all the time....it's not that way.  We've worked incredibly hard through years and YEARS of HARD work, and more family trauma than you'd ever want to experience. 

Now life's worth living the best we can.  While we can. 

Remember.....

One phone call.  

Calls I hope you never have to experience. 

With love, and a hefty dose of eye smiles...

Keep kindness in the front.

One act of kindness for someone else, every day. 

One thing. 

Even if it's a smile from car to car.  Without your mask.

Humanity.  Keep that in front.

But if you're getting tailgated, brake check that mothertrucker. 

LOL!  amiright? damn straight. 

This Mama Lisa