Fifty One.

For the first time in my life I step out of bed each day with a doomed feeling of an aching body. 

Not always physical, because sometimes the emotions of years past creep under my skin throughout long nights.  Nights I lay awake. Some of those nights offer little bouts of hot flashes. Not anything 

I can't handle at this point, but it sucks putting my legs out, grabbing the blankets again when I'm cold.   I just love a cold room. Darker the better.  

So.....age.

Age is starting to open my eyes. 

First of all, please know, I can care less about the number. 

To me it's what I've created, worked for and accomplished.

To be a good human.

I feel it now.

Over indulging on travel food.  Restaurants.  Good food, amazing wine and appetizers. 

Surely biting my ass when we return.

I am not a gym rat by no means.  Not my thing, never will be.  But I try so hard to eat clean.

To work out to the best of what my body needs. I try to go every day.  If not,  I walk....lots.

Wrinkles around my lips have recently whispered to me "Hey Leese, maybe a liiiitttle bit of Botox"?

My flabby belly asking to "flatten the curve"

But then we indulge in life.  We enjoy life's finest offerings. 

I see it. I feel it. 

I'll still hold on to certain shorts and dresses. 

Things just fit and look different at Fifty One. 

So what we do, is we buy more dresses.  Long flowly dresses. It's my jam. 

What IS on the  NO FLY LIST is Two Pieces.  I see ladies my age rockin' em.  Trust me I have plenty.  Maybe if I had a boob job to upload and bring things up and together I'd feel more comfortable.  kidding. 

I've always been conservative in the body department.  

I remember someone once told me....when you get older your mind is still the youngster in thoughts, but your body starts changing.  And fast.  

Truth.

 There's a lady at the gym that is probably my age.  Fit mom group.  LOL.  I wondered one day...."Dang she looks so amazing, like what the shit balls is her recipe" eh em, probably no wine Lisa whispered to herself. #boring.  lol

And then I remind myself of my worth. How hard I do try to stay healthy.  How I make my own salad dressings, and buy all organic but will slide down a glass of red wine like it's butter on a roll.  I love to go out to dinner ....hello years of serving and cleaning.   But then I remind myself my hands prepare good clean food.  Bill helps me now more than ever.  (Just don't come in the kitchen when mama's cooking...growlllll)

Balance.

Life. 

Living. 

Getting the invite to travel to friends homes in amazing places, and going.  

While we were in Cabo these last couple of trips I had some pretty nirvana amazing moments. 

Pinch me moments, if you will. 

Moments where I thought, man.....life is such a trip.  One day you're walking hallways of hospitals staring at the wheels on a gurney or the tired eyes of hard working nurses trying to help answer all of your panicked questions. To years later floating across waves out on a private chartered boat with friends that stood back and watched us battle.  

I've had long walks and chats with friends and neighbors.  About life.  About what money can do to people. It makes us feel so good but can wipe out the best of things in a hot minute.  We can work out and be so health conscious and yet be taken away a second later.  We can say yes for the things today and possibly be punished by our actions tomorrow. 

Life. 

Getting older is hard.  What I've learned is there's no way out.  Just gracefully allowing my body to change. To show me the way. 

Grateful 

I've spent years and years walking through remorse and grief.  I've made the best of things and fucked alot of different things up too.  I think we all have, really. 

So many times I've resigned to the fact that it most likely will get harder before easier.  

I've learned that a family that once came together for gatherings for certain occasions didn't last.  And same with the other side.  Things changed.   

Sure I look at other families that LOOK like they have it all together in the BIG family get togethers, and I remind myself, this isn't our plan.  

We have to love those in our lives, with patience.  With kindness.  Mostly, with understanding. 

I think that's the part we're all missing.  We can agree to disagree.  

Leaving my footprints on this Earth will be a tad bit silly, sad, fun, hard and mostly my legacy of wearing so many gosh damn hats. LOL 

(funny back story, another reason I loathe looking at pictures with age, is my nose and face is morphing into an ol' gal so my hats make me FEEL pretty.  And that should be okay.....right?)

Also,  hello sun damage I see you I hear you. 

Big hat, little nose? Got it. 

I'm grateful for what I have.  For humans that rally with and or around me.  For my Seal Beach girlfriends for the dinners we rally together for.  

For celebrating me. 

Humans are incredible.  We really are.  

Friends are incredible.  You really are.

Summertime is incredible.  Except Havasu.  We need to have a talk.

So go live.  Move your body.  Eat clean.  Smile at a stranger.

Hug your family.  And friends.  Thank God we can see each other smile now.  Good riddance, it saddens me to think of the littles that missed out on human smiles for a year.  

Live hard, smile big, and remember to compliment a stranger.   Humans need your love more than ever. 

Plan a trip.  Make it happen. 

This Mama Lisa