The Mid Week Grind

A few years ago I remember jotting down all the beautiful things I'd want to pour my heart out in this blog.  About butterflies and lily pads -lolz!.  I'd sit down, put on my good music, and type away.....
Life was grand, minus the tiny bits of "stress"...or anguish I'd watch my kids go through.
You know, break-ups, heartbreak, friendships, financial decisions...etc.

  

We'd step away as a couple laughing the weekend away....

Little Did I Know---  LOL- (I posted this in 2014)

I can remember the days of taking pictures of all the mundane things we enjoyed.  Cups of coffee.  Wine.  Ocean waves.  The kids. Their friends.  Kali's prom shoes she wore 2 hours on one night of the year.   Bucksie, Bucksie and more Bucksie.....

All the little sweet, and not so sweet things I shared with you. 

Monday morning as I put myself together for work and was staring at circles under my eyes I could feel the shift of the month. Reality that the weekend bliss was over, (bliss for my weekend was gardening, meal planning and cooking a big pot of chili and chicken rice soup) and the grind of the week was truly, and really...in my face. I sipped my coffee, lower back hurting, waiting for this months season premiere of shark week.  Mind racing. Music playing from my iPad.  That John Denver station I had to change over to Norah Jones because tears just got the best of me.  The pity party of this life.  My new life.  Kris' new life.  Kali's life ahead of her as a young female in this big hardened world.  This world of death.  Shootings. Violence. Terrorism.  I literally turned the news off although I love local news, weather, and sometimes traffic.  It all just sucks.  Shooting here.  Shooting there.  Media interviewing a father that just lost a son. Why do we do this?  Heartbreak and more heartbreak. 

I literally stared at myself in a pity party. That Monday morning was a pity party for Lisa.  The tired human that must push through. Realizing later, daylight savings sucks ass.

 At one point I reminded myself something I so often preach.

YOU HAVE MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE WILL EVER HAVE...SOME HAVE NOTHING!

You have your son! 

 Many times I sit back down on my bed. To pray and to meditate. 

Kris and Jen have a much needed trip planned next week.  To a place they've never been.  To a place that offers warmth.  Ocean. Sand. Fishing. Good people. And God please help them, with good food.  A place called Cabo San Lucas.  

Where kind people greet you. 

And then it hit me.  I needed to change his appointment from 11/17.  He wouldn't be here for that day of labs, and appointments.  I needed to send that text to him. Opening up that conversation on a Monday. I secretly despise sending him things related to bone marrow appt changes. labs.  It's like this disgusting procrastination I want to do.

Hide.  

I needed to get in touch with his doctors office to order Zpak (strong antibiotics for any possible issues that "could" come up) He needs all meds refilled just in case...etc.etc.etc. fucking etc!!! That chemo warning bag so he doesn't get harassed by border agents. 

The same pattern takes place.  My email turns into action.  Action turns into labs.  Labs turn into a video appt at 4pm. 

Tuesday morning.  11/7/17 (our lucky number 7's)

 He waits.  I wait.  

THIS MOM SITS AND FRANTICALLY WAITS FOR THAT EMAIL THAT READS 

"YOU HAVE NEW LAB RESULTS"-  

The labs come in, the mom sorts through.  There's 12 to be exact.  My under arms sweat until I open each and every one.  Whites, Platelets, Lymphocites, Basophils....

My eyes swish back and forth...lolz

It's no surprise to you that labs pull me down like a weight.  I must choose between getting ready for work that morning, or curling up like a fucking freak mess and pretending this isn't our life.

It's labs.

Some might read this and roll their eyes....
"He's fine, why is she such a weirdo"..

It's a warrior mom life forever kids. 

Isn't it true that as a mom you live this life to pardon your kids of pain. Of bad news.  Of hurt.  So the last thing you'd ever want to do is call them with labs or something that is off?  

Am I right?  

They all looked perfect.  

It's almost to the point of normal like you and I.  Where platelets are staying in the 250-300 range.  Whites are up in the 7/8 now.  The day he was put in the hospital his platelets were at 40. 

Whites at 2. 

So why o' why do I get so nutty you guys!?

It's gonna be okay.....I tell myself this over and over.  My sister proclaims just how good he looks. But my fucked up mind says cancer isn't fair to those that look good.  Cancer is an asshole and lurches in the dark and grabs families by the neck. It's not kind in the way of "do good, be good, all is good"-

{This picture is amazing to the highest level.  Jen drinking this beer, in some garage somewhere just yells, "gives zero shits, it's Saturday, and everything is better when we're together"}

GET. IT. GIRL.......

My new uncle Jeff wears Kris' bracelet still.  The orange Captain Kris one.  He proudly told me while I stayed with them during my mama's surgery, that he'll cut it off when Kris reaches two years. 

That resonated so so deep in me. 

2 years is a huge marker. 

1 year was.

100 days was. 

Each day is. 

But 2 years is all that much better. 

I get it Jeff.  I get it. 

I thank you.  Although I find those orange bracelets around my house and I want to run to the trash and toss them to the very bottom.  But then I remind myself of the journey.  Of how close our family bound together.  His friends.  

He and I.  

Jen, and him. 

All of it.  

It's truly a miracle.

Today I had another slow odd morning.  One I will blame on shark week asshole-ness.  

Or lack of sleep. 

I've betrayed my Daily Bible reads.  I've betrayed the gym this week, when I did so well last. 

I've stared at myself longer each morning.  Praising myself for keeping it together when I've just wanted to not do anything.  

Working hard to support myself and those we employ.  Watching Bill work 6 days a week right now because this is slow season and things just get sideways.

Thank you Tina again.  For taking my frantic text Tuesday morning like a grain of sugar.  

Your reply back is always understanding. 

To Sumaira in London, you are my warrior sister for life.  You get me like NO OTHER.

I hope your Wednesday is good friends.  I hope I'm not misunderstood. I hope other warrior families get this life we must make.  Let's try to believe that things don't happen by coincidence.  Let's hope that God has a plan in place, and that all the better days are ahead for him.  For us.  For me. 

This weather is beautiful....

(Six Pack September 2017-Amador County Wine Tasting)

A day, and a place, and a moment that I will cherish with them forever. Along with a few others we've marked down as amazing.  This one goes down as one.

This Mama Lisa

Should I make it a goal to let go of the C word in 2018, and just live.  Just drink good wine, and go back to the days of 2014?  To have more faith each lab day?

Thank you, thank you, thank you for hanging in there with me friends...

I would never wish this journey on anyone.

Is the BEST, really gonna come?  I certainly hope so--

Happy Hump Day...gettahumpin!  HAHAHA...

or not. 

Full Moon Friday

And Saturday.  Both of which will give you some space to hide from the weirdos. 

Or in my case, nutty phone calls.  

But it's Friday kids!  

Life could be way worse kids. (LOL) Your mom could send these boots with your boyfriend to Italy.

Sorry Kali.  I know you mentioned one pair had a hole you just didn't know which pair.  And when you said hole, dang girl, this is a FLAP. Make sure you don't bring those things home.  HAHA!

But don't feel too bad, they're in Venice as I type.  Flappy broken boots and all. 

Awww to be 21 again....

And for those still scratching your head on her studies.  She does.  She is just making the most of how far she's made this dream.  She has 4 classes.  Two days a week.  She still carries the highest grade point average.  

Travel the world little one...and don't look back!

Kali, go ask around for Gorilla glue in Italian.  And good luck with that, like the day you asked where the shavers were.  Demonstrating could be really good.  Two words.  Gorilla. Glue.

Go. 

Love,

This Mama Lisa

Happy Birthday Tori Lynn

 Tori, I wish you a million good wishes today.  Tomorrow, and forever.  I hope you stay healthy, safe and true to yourself.  I hope you cherish all the little moments shared with those that love you so much.  You are truly a positive loving addition to our family. 

Happy Birthday Beautiful!  Auntie loves you!  xoxo

  

This time 22 years ago, I watched your body enter this world. Those long fingers, and long toes.
As I snapped shots of you with my disposable camera in complete awe of your little, but long body.
Your mom exhausted from a long night and morning of labor.  Your daddy wiping the many tears from his cheeks. 

I can't believe you're twenty two....

We love you!

Auntie Lisa and Uncle Billy!

Get it together girl....

As in blogging....

How ya doing people?

The blog life is surely suffering over here....

Who's ready for the heater to turn off, raise your hand!
Whew, what a wild week in weather.
Before you know it, we'll be bundled and complain' about the cold...
And so...let's just cherish these days.
And the beautiful sunsets.

How bout a little about me.
The girl behind this blog.
Don't care to read? It's all good, just click that little x button.
My love and peace to you. All the days, all the time.

• I love classical music. 
• I also love old school punk rock. 
• I am obsessed with peoples license plates, especially expired tags. The more expired, the more I scratch my head.  #payyourway. #doyouevenhaveinsurance
• I am extremely independent, but recently find driving alone after dark, scary!
• The following words make me laugh watching people say em- Grand Marnier, Worchester Sauce, Moist, Bunion. Oxnard LOL!
• I majorly dislike LED lights.  ew.  
• I love birds. 
• Music moves me.  
• I am impatient.  Like really bad.
• I have OCD. Little weird things. If you ask Bill, they're really big things.  But hey, it's all balance, right? LOL!
• I love to see people in love.  Parents hugging children --the best!  
• I love to water the lawn and flowers.
• My kids have made me a better person.
• I don't like people in the kitchen when I'm cooking. 
• I hate bully drivers who tailgate me.  Catch me on a bad day, I'll likely brake check those fuckers.  
• My kids don't like that part of their mom. 
• I am a chronic hand washer.  
• If my wet hands touch a plastic bag it makes my stomach turn.  *freak*
• I cuss like a sailor under my breath.  Something I'm not proud of. 
• I also pray like a saint.  All. Day. Long. 
• I question religion.  Something I am not proud of.  Just keeping it real. My son is an answered prayer, so just imagine how crazy my thoughts become. (recently a family member said something that resonated deep "what about Santa, and the Easter bunny...we can't see them") and it floated in my head all night.  
• I can't wait to meet our German donor.
• I can't leave my house with beds unmade and a sink full of dirty dishes. 
• I love the smell of my home after preparing a wonderful family meal. 
• I love my friends. 
• I love peanut butter and jelly sandwiches on white bread.  Something I never do because...white bread..lol
• I feel sorry for those pumpkins on display with lumps all over em.  haha
• PTSD is real. 
• I'm really disappointed in the state of our country.  
• I have no fear of flying.  If it's my time, it's my time.  Didn't feel that 5 years ago. 
• I'm obsessed with bowls.  
• I love Pottery Barn. 
• I just cut a bunch of hair off, and really wasn't stoked.  But it's hair....
• My goal before the end of the year is to give blood.  I am beyond freaked out about needles.
• I love Bad Company.
• I'm not the spa day type of girl (like that whole robe thing sitting around a quiet room-lolz, but love me a good massage)  
• Unsweetened Iced Green Tea is my jam.
• I added John Denver to my Pandora playlist ..and listen to all the beauty in this song....I hope you enjoy it as much as I did...Sunshine On My Shoulders-  the words. 
• I am not into fancy cars.  Just muscle cars.  
• I am not into designer clothes either.  Or shoes.  Although my dad taught us to spend on quality. 
• My sister wears high heels like a boss.  I do not. 
• I do not like my nose.  It's a running joke in each picture. 
• 

As they say, we all have our insecurities....(wish I knew where those earrings went)

• My dream would be to stop stressing over gifts at Christmas time, and to just enjoy the music, food and being together. 
• Finding quiet time each morning to pray has been a slice of sanity.
• I am yearning for another get-out-town breather.  
• I am easily distracted by stalking my birdies on social media.  I fall down a rabbit hole chasing Kali around Italy and Europe in general through Instagram. LOL 
• I have a staring problem.  
• I over analyze EVERYTHING.
• I don't care for Disneyland, or any amusement park.  #germs
• Probably goes with my germaphobia issues. 
• Giraffe's mesmerize me. 
• I can't stand peas. ew. 
• I still stare at Bill across the room and feel so in love. cheezie
• I like to stay home on Sunday's.  Until I don't work Monday's...it's just the sensible thing for my body. And mind.
• I love to bike ride. 
• I'm not afraid of spiders, but their webs make me dance The Mamba. 
• I think of old friends through music. 

Well gang, I filled up a post with a buncha narcissistic info you probably didn't need, but took.
Way ta take one for the team kids...way to go.

Work hard, play harder. 

Remember, some don't get the chance. 

 Do what makes YOUR heart happy.  

Be happy. Be Bright. Be You.

Kali in Ireland- October 26, 2017


Enjoy this song...it's one that takes me to childhood--

Give Me Peace

....."Give Me Hope, Help Me Cope".....

This Mama Lisa

ps- Words to live by: If its not helpful, kind, respectful or requested, think before you send, or verbalize. 

Healing

She's home.  She's healing.  She's not happy with her shaved head.  She's alive, and she's moving forward just like we imagined she would.  Pathology reports are making their way in.  Something I don't stalk or push for.  Same for my dad.  We'll get the answers we need, in all the right time.  

   

The trip was all I expected, and yet, not what I expected, at all.

We had our aunt wrap her arms around us in full form. Opening her home and two cozy beds to us.  Two aunts that sat in that waiting room with us.  Sorting.  Talking.  Laughing. Loving.  Eating. And of course sipping on a good margarita! 

A dad that paced the outer parts of that hospital, because that's just how he rolls.  Hugging and kissing his wife before and after surgery.  A kiss so special before they wheeled her away it made me fall into a blubbery mess. 

The "Sickness And In Health" clause they vowed to one another almost 50 years ago. 

The smiling eyes she gave us in recovery.  Her two daughters.  Her husband.  The words that blossomed from her soul, "I'm so glad it's all over and that devil tumor is out"-

Us too mom, us too. 

Her amazing doctor that gave us the much needed laugh we all searched for in those long hours in a hospital.  Not because he was funny.  But because when he explained the details he'd close his eyes for a long duration of time.  Have you ever encountered people that do that? They talk, and close their eyes.  LOL!

The hospital was a step beyond what I imagined.  Almost wanting to say "they had a grip over Kaiser"-  They did. Their nurses, their doctors, their staff, and most importantly....the cleanliness...

All of it. Amazing. 

The restaurants within walking distance from her very room.  Two different places my sister and aunt tucked ourselves into.  After long grueling days staring at our mom/sister....sharing a good margarita while catching the Dodgers game (Woot-Woot!).....

So yesterday is gone.  So is last week.  And the week before.  The reality of closing out that chapter is yet another reminder that "You will get through this" is true.  

The morning of surgery I had no extra words for my mom.  As a matter of fact, all I could type was "I love you".  I felt like there was nothing you can prepare or tell someone going in for brain surgery....

It's like....just walk.  

Just go. 

Just go....

And she did. 

My mom is a quiet, stoic, go-with-the-flow type of gal.  The type of woman that mumbles her frustrations under her breath.  She stands tall when she has too, yet most always just lets the vibe clear itself.  It's who she is. 

Pam.

Mom.

My aunties.  Nettie-  Thank you again.  You took us under your mama wings.  Jeff, thank you.  You both made your home feel like our home.  From the cozy bed and linens to the alkaline water you poured for me that night before we all tucked away.   The laughs we shared at dinner Nettie. My advice to you, and yet your analogy of some things still resonate and crack me up. God, the Easter Bunny, and Santa- LOL!)  

Family.

I'm thankful.  

Lyn;  Thank you for making the trek up there.  To sit with us.  Laugh with us.  Hugging us. 

That long chat we shared before bed covering things in our family.  As you stood there with that shower cap on, and I wiggled my feet in bed so relaxed, and yet learning more tid bits about our vines. 

Moments in that night that I'll remember forever. 

Thanks for flipping pages in this chapter with me. With us. 

My sister. Whom bolted back and forth with me in my "Tic-Tac" rental....LOL!!!!!

vrrrrrooooommmmm

We found sweet little restaurants close to the hospital where we'd re-group, sip wine, eat good food, and stare at one another. Sisterhood.  Gossiping in a good way about our parents.  About this life. 

About sickness and health.  About how life is good, and yet so hard.  

And that tic-tac car would get us to and from our aunt and uncles house.  

Another chapter in our family vine book closed.  Another set of pages we wrote.  

Together.  

Nettie, not sure if you read my blog anymore.  I can't thank you enough.  From the living room chat that morning.  To the reassuring hugs the morning of surgery.  To the bed I laid my tired head in.  Your home is extra warm and welcoming.

When I landed back home and my handsome birdie picked me up from the airport I reflected back to the days leading up to this closing chapter.  The nervousness I felt.  We all felt.  The unknown.  The hovering.  The fear.  The trauma.  The scary parts of surgery.  Recovery.  IV carts. Nurses with language barriers that always fuck me up.  The beeps.  The queasy things I'm not cut out for, yet partially so.  

I truly felt none of that. 

None. 

Tis' the things in life work out that way, right?  We expect to step in fire, and yet it's not fire. 

It's the complete opposite.  

There was love.  Conversation.  Laughter.  Learning. Sharing.  Family time. 

It's what I expected, and yet not what I expected. 

October, you're a wild one, that's for sure. 

 

Come on November....

I hope you're all doing okay.  Life is hard, but then again, it's pretty easy in comparison to others. 

Thankful, even when it's Monday.  A hot, dry and very warm Autumn day....

Peace, 

This Mama Lisa

ps- Baby birdie is currently in Prague-Czech Republic- Next stop Amsterdam, and Dublin Ireland!

October 2017- Chasing Dreams.....

Seasons

Seasons in life.

Chapters. 

Pages and pages of our family story.

Love, through sickness and in health. 

Vines and roots that come together. 

To help their wife. Sister. Mom. 

My mom has surgery tomorrow.  A day we all dread, yet pray for.  We pray for steady hands.  We pray this tumor comes out the way it should.  We pray that she's the strong mama bird she's always been. We pray for kind nurses that will accept her family. That will allow us to help them, help her. 

We pray for strength as family members.  As husbands.  And daughters. For her sisters.  

Seasons change.  

Healing is in the works. 

The mountain in the back she's feared to climb.  She's gonna climb.

October 18th.  

Please pray for my mom if you pray. If you're all about good juju's and well wishes....send those too.

Smile at a stranger.  You never know what they're fighting for. 

All my love,

Lisa Lynn 

Piping In.

I've been completely obsessed with an achy heart just like the rest of you with this tragedy.  I can't imagine those mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, daughters and sons receiving that phone call.  As I made the bed Monday morning and Bill made his way back to the bedroom "Hun, did we know anyone that went to a country concert in Las Vegas"?  Not even realizing what the heck was about to unravel.  I did however have this sick gut feeling we'd someway or somehow know someone effected.  

Little did we know.  Just like many of you....so and so, knew so and so.
So and so related to so and so.  So and so was a mother. A father.
A teacher.  An officer.  A good fellow.
My cousin whom loves Vegas and concerts was one of the ones jumping walls and separated from his wife scrambling in a horrid bad nightmare of fear trying to imagine she's okay. Ending up in a strangers home.  They'll forever be changed.

Hate.

Trying to keep politics out of this horrible devastation, I, like many, have my views. 

I will say, I DO NOT support any person that owns a machine gun.  Or automatic weapon.

As I do NOT believe any American household should carry/house a machine gun or weapon of that degree.

Seriously. 

Why....

Not sure what else to blog about this week....just sending you all light and love. 

I keep reading peoples posts'..."Hold the ones you love a little tighter"-

For me, it's making solid choices to say you're sorry if you are.  Or I love you, to those you do. 

Thank you to my littlest birdie whom recommended I listen to this song today.
Dear Hate
Feeling a little homesick or sad this morning she wanted to chat with mom. There's nothing better than staring at her little face on the other side of the world.  Sipping my coffee, as she settles in for the afternoon. Smiling at me.

Mom.

Daughter.

Love.

And pretty lucky.

May you walk in peace.

Smiles begin with you.

This Mama Lisa

The Difference

Isn't it true when viewing a group in pictures, whether it'd be friends, parents or children... you really have no idea what chapter or page they're on. You do stare at a man that handed strength to a daughter next to him. You stare at the arms wrapped around each other. Not really grasping what that felt like to us because our vines are now growing with more faith.  It was happy. It was bold. It was weepy but mostly full of love. You have no idea the beautiful woman in her long denim dress whom we call Mom has a walnut sized tumor. We all hope she is given the clear through her HMO this week (because waiting two weeks at this point is just getting silly) to get this surgery done, and done quickly. You have no idea the girl in the floral dress has navigated far from her parents for many many years and so standing there in their hometown felt a little strange. Strange but beautiful if that makes any sense at all. Yet she puts her arms around them in sort of awe. A little protection, if you will. A quick shot all together. Capturing the moment. My pulse racing because I knew the "Good-Byes" or shall I say "See-Ya-Laters" were imminent. You stare at the guy on the end and wonder where he falls into play. He's the girl in florals' anchor.  The one who's heard the stories of my family for years and years. You stare at a unit that is shifted in a new direction. Sadly not because we wanted to, but have to. That's the funny thing about chapters. About the words people share "Things happen for reason" those four words I say bullshit to because no one deserves to walk through fire to get to heaven. Or fire to water. Or shit to peace.

This chapter is moving. She's beautiful. She's strong. So strong. She's birthed two daughters that will navigate through all the waters. With her. For her.

We flew up there last weekend. Not just for her. Or him. Or them. We had a trip planned since February. The timing was unreal. The day's unfolded the way they should have. As a unit, and yet as days with friends. The Six Pack. Wine. Laughter. Tears. Cooking. Views. Deer. Hugs. More wine.

And HOPE.

I'd like to wave a banner in the air for my sister. The sister that flew up, handled the paperwork necessary for doctors and nurses to get things flowing. Legal and medical papers covering our bases as two daughters. Filling out paperwork a patient shouldn't have to, and yet protecting my dad even more from the daunting task of preparing his wife for the mountain she must climb. My sister took thank you cards, and cookies to that very office that went beyond protocol and ordered the first MRI.

Thank you Tina. Dad always refers to you as daughter #1.

I'd say you were 100% number one this weekend.

You give me HOPE.

This picture resonates deep.  It's a true depiction of us.  My mom the quiet stoic one dealing with the feels.  Meanwhile, my dad and I walk back to car to say our good-byes bawling. #thecrybabies

Thanks to Bill for capturing a raw picture of us.  This life. 

The Trabue's. 

Stay strong Mom.  You've always held it together silently.  I see your brave heart still doing so. 

Side note of the beautiful time we did have up there.....tucked up in a beautiful home rented.  Thank you Jodee for finding such a gem.  I will forever hold those fun nights and day wine drinking close to my liver.  I mean, heart.  I will forever remember stomping through somewhat familiar grounds with you all.  Thank you for letting me tug you over to the lily flower garden to have our picnic.  Even when we had no seat, just a stump.  You all just rolled with it.  Sitting down on grass in white pants, just because we could.

(Sign in a tasting room- Plymouth, CA. It's these little things that grab me...she mentioned to us that Joseph Aspdin is the guy that did their patio and sidewalk out front. love) 

It's been quite the week that's for sure.  A week of sorting. Of hovering over Kris again.  Of learning and researching of my mom's new neurologist.  Of LOTS and LOTS of praying.  

I hope you all have a peaceful weekend. I hope your health is good.  I hope your heart is rested.  I hope you find little bits of hope in the days ahead of you. 

Kali's still enjoying life in Italy.  A wise reminder to me to sit back and watch beauty in the world. 

Especially our baby birdie.  Beer drinkin' birdie? 

Her experience on the bus and train to Germany is everything.  Rolling past the green hills of Austria. 

The kind people with utmost manners in Germany.  The respectful men.

So glad she's able to see the good in the world. 

And a good cold beer. 

I kindly asked her to walk around with a sign over her shoulder that read "WERE YOU A STEM CELL DONOR TO A GUY IN THE USA?"  She declined but DID say alot of guys resembled the look of her brother though ----Amazing..........

 Bike tour through Munich.....September 2017-  Live, love and enjoy the world Kali Koo-Koo!

Young dudes surfing the fine waters that flow down through massive tunnels from The Swiss Alps! 

Notice the heart plate, er......dang  LOL!

May you walk with a heart full of love.

This Mama Lisa