One who speaks from experience.

The other night I had dinner with my friend Shelley, Maria....and my sis joined us (yay)-

While we sat there sipping super good wine- Mine was called " If You See Kay ".  ha! Say that fast.  Say it slow.  That's good stuff right there.  AND it was delish- The Abbey in Seal Beach, has hands down the best house salads, pizza and vino. 
Anyway, getting off point here.

Shelley mentioned to us that our girls will indefinitely go through a "weird" phase before they leave-
As in all things go buck wild.  The stress levels rise. Their demeanor become tainted.  Their attitudes become altered.  So do ours.

I feel it.
Let's back up for a minute here.
I've been Kali's secretary for the last year.  Take that back, for the last 18 years.

The counselors and teachers speak of "letting them do it themselves" and all that jazz, but in reality, they need us.
They have their own emails- That we check daily-
They have their own portals-That we check daily-
They have their own bank accounts- Well, I don't check that. But are WE are $aware$ that she is fueling that car, and eating just fine.
They have their own laptops-That we never graze through, unless need be.

The financial stuff is taken care of.  Well most of it. Aside from some mistakes that were done by me, and had to quickly get back with FAFSA to change.  Then wait for the college to intercept.
The dorm is almost done and ready for our little bird.
The schedule will be set real soon.
Our orientation is held tomorrow from 8-5. We'll be on the road at six in the mornin' with coffee's in hand, and smiles on our faces.  The last big step before the JUMP.

But this girl.....this girl that I advocate for, administrate for, feed, counsel, help, love, fight for.....

CAN BE SO RUDE.  As in walk away in the middle of conversation about the above topics, and roll her eyes exclaiming "mom whatever, that's fine"-

And so I will take Shelley's advice.  I will remember that this next month will be crazy, and wild, and free.
That her emotions will jump in front of humanity, and how to kindly talk to her Mom.
That I have feelings too.  That rolling her eyes, or telling me I have garlic breath, will maybe click.
She might just remember that her Mom is her rock.  And deep down, deep deep down inside, I am freaking the fuck out.

I am afraid.  Of her leaving.  Of the change.
My clerical skills of parenting will pay off.
She's moving mountains.  And while she moves mountains I will toss sand in the air, and hopefully not get any in my eyes.

Pray for us as we transition during this next phase in our lives. 

Or shall I say pray for her, so she doesn't get a spankin'.

I've kept my fears and anxiousness away from her.  But we all know...the stress builds up, and the worries linger.  The Mama-mode is there.

For now I will prepare her going away party.  I will continue to purge on things in our home that we no longer need.

I will hold on to my friends for dear life.  I will water my flowers like no body's business.

I will dream for my children.  That these paths are meant for goodness.

My life will be handed back to me to live.

The month will fly by, and I will cherish every second with her.  At home.

Especially with these girls.  They fly in complete separate areas in one.month.boom. 

Happy Friday Kids.

Be good, and play fair.  Or stay home.

Because there will be a big ol' full moon.  Which means a couple things.  High tides, and some rude assholes. jerks.

You choose who you want to be around. 

xoxo

This Mama Lisa

In the moment that I....

Might catch you during a sad time.  Read on.

Here's some tid-bits about you that make me love you even more.

You always cut up our veggies so perfect on any dish you prepare.  Veggies and eggs especially.

The smoothies you make with all the fruits and mystery stuff is point on. ha. 

You always make sure the fire is lit on the table as it gets dark.  Just for me.

You always serve me coffee in bed on the weekends, and that's just kick ass if you ask me.  I love to hear you walking down the hallway.

You tell me over and over that I should take the kayaks out, just because you know it bugs me.

You tell me that the water feels good, and to get in.  But we both know I don't want to mess up my hair.

You spray for ants and bugs on a regular basis, and for some reason, it's just cute to me.

You clean the windows of the truck at the gas station, and it always made Kali's world a better place.  She's always loved watching you do this.  And we know how the story goes, if it makes them happy, it makes me happier. 

You have served your parents with love and passion for as long as I've known you.

You've known what a germa-phobe I am, and do everything you possibly can to ease a situation.

My strong sense of smell has sent us to another room to sleep, and yet you will go with me with no questions asked.

My passion for animals has never made you run.  Even when cats make your eyes swell shut.  You wash your hands extra fast.

You took me to the river for the first time and told me about river rats, and one came up shortly after.

You are so organized, and detailed in the garage, and cupboards.  I guess opposites attract.  hey now.

We both love horsepower. Just the smell turns our heads.

You know how to bbq a pizza and are the best cutter of that pizza.  lol.

You make sure all trucks, boats and house are maintained and double checked.  

You try not to tailgate when I'm in the truck.  But I know you must ride all the asses of others when I'm not.

You buy me flowers at the store and bring them home and tell me they are pretty like me.

You've taught the kids what love is, and how to respect a woman. 

You bite your tongue when I tell people off.

You will let me sleep with the fan on. Even though you like it quiet.

I have NEVER seen you spit.  Hope I never do.

You ALWAYS put the toilet seat down.

You surprise me with wrinkle age cream and even though I smile, I think is pretty shitty. But hey a gifts a gift.  boom.  HA!

When you open a bottle of wine and you know I can't finish it, you always cap it for me, and make a hundred comments the next day if I will finish it.  

If my arm goes up over my head in bed, you know I'm down for the count.

You've also learned that I DO NOT like to be woken up.  Especially by drunk friends.  I will slaughter them with a hatchet.

You've watched me run the kids around, at all hours of the night and even though you comment and know I am not turning back you support me.

You brushed my hair out the other night just because I asked you to.  That was awesome.

You can dive.  HA!

You rock my world better than anyone else on this planet.

I mean, look at those guns.

You turn on my favorite music every weekend, all weekend.

You make the best cucumber and lemon water.

You are competitive, yet I always seem to win you at a good checkers game. haha. 

You worked those white sunglasses better than anyone I know.  boom.  

You taught the kids to drive the boat, and how to back a trailer down.  Something they will need for the rest of their lives. 

You give me the best hugs.  You smile and hug tighter when I start crying then laughing.

You have loved me as 3, when you could have easily walked away.

You blame farts on Bucks.  Or the cats.

You love me.  As a whole.  I love you.  More than you may ever know.

Your motto "when Mama's happy, everybody's happy" is the best damn thing. 

Smile baby. 

I mean, who else can make a fiberglass shark for the harbor?

Dun. Dun....Dun Dun.


Happy Day to you all.

xoxo


Bill, I hope that I am lucky enough to have you love me for the rest of my living days.

Happy Birthday Jaz! Love and miss you sweet sugar! xo

Kyoko and Sav, have a blast in Japan!  xo

Looking back.....

The last few weeks seem to be a little blurry on the home front with new news.  If that makes sense.
When I was a little girl, I would talk so much that my dad would tell me "ok Lisa, it's quiet time"-
I remember sitting there desperately wanting to ask more questions, and even more wanting to chat away. 
During hard times, I remember zipping my lip and only confiding in those I trusted. 
Our 4th was not planned out, and yet turned out to be a beautiful day. 
Warm on the coastal front, and filled with hugs from friends, and lots of sunshine.  My favorite.
I guess my point here is I am filled with love, yet tackled by grief, and other things. So without further adieu, here's my last few weeks.  In snap shots.

My nieces graduation party.  

Little cousins-

And big friends. 

Little cousin. Ava you sweet sugar, you.

Jeff and Nettie-  Family.

Sister and Tonya.  That blonde right there?  Amazing soul.  You know when you have the ONE person in your life that you can call whenever, for whatever?  She's the one.  The one to lift you up, and kick ass for you or with you if needed.  She's always been the same.  Love.  Tina is one lucky girl to have her.

"Go London"

Priceless- Cousins.

Don't dare my sister to take on the slide...

Bam. 

Fast forward another week would roll in, and back out.  We'd have a weekend in the middle that was filled with hospital visits, helping and feeding Gaylord.  Wishing, hoping, loving.   To soon see Bill and his siblings let the grip slide out from the hands of Mama.  A day and week I hope to not relive any time soon.
And it's not me, it's watching my lover melt into complete grief. 

The 4th of July would roll around.  With no plans, except for what these two put together.  Sean has always lifted Bill up. The perfect antidote for him. Well, and some good strong cocktails. 

This skipper and his wife offered to take us out on their boat for the 4th.  The 4th being fireworks above The Queen Mary.  The afternoon was filled with visits at friends in the harbor, to roll home to change, and they'd pull up.  Like those plans.  You know those ones that aren't planned out, yet fall together like peanut butter and jelly. 

To say the night was perfect is an understatement.  We cruised beyond and past many many vessels.  To right here. 

So close that we'd soon see and feel firework embers all over us.  Happy Birthday America!

To be taken out there and back by this skipper was the real prize kids. I should have known better that any plans that would include part of our six pack would be the best plans.  

Meanwhile our girls were out in the bay tearing it up!

And our boy was out on the river floatin' it up!


The last two weeks or so looked like this. Bill. Me. Patio. Boats. BBQ pizza. Wine. Bill. Me. Rinse. Repeat.

Strength. Love. Hugs.

This dude gives me such delight at night.  Staring. Eating. Cleaning.

Hope.  

I hope this week is good to you all.

Be good, and play fair.

ps. Remember Karma is a bitch if you are. 

This Mama Bear Lisa.

My wishes for you.

That you are surrounded by those you love.

That you are filled with peace, and tender moments.

That the tears fade into your cheeks and your smile comes from within.

That we all remember our FREEDOM isn't free, and our country is pretty awesome.

That this life is so fast, and we can not get back the moments that slide by.

Be kind, and love one another.

To my friends and family going through hard times, remember they won't stay.

I promise.

Wipe your tears, crank up a good song, and smile because you can.

Never look back.  Good things are coming for us.

Happy Fourth of July to you all.  Play fair, and be good.

Remember to bring your animals in, and surround them with music, and safety while the freaks light bombs off. The suckiest night for our fur babies. 

Something I never will understand.  Ever.  Why the bombs?  Let's celebrate with beauty.  Beaches, and sunshine. 


Keep smiling kids.  Keep smiling.  Or if you are like me, cry when you feel like it.

xoxo

Always big hugs.

L

Thick love.

When you walk this Earth with a partner, slash soul mate, slash best friend, slash better half, slash other half, hubby, lover, love of your life....whatever you want to call us- You become so attached in a way that when pain strikes, you can only try your best to help them walk through it.  Tiny little bits of hell.  You see it.  You sit shot gun, and feel it. When you play what you've seen over and over in your head, it's breath taking.  Because I can see his face.  I really don't even know what he is feeling.  I just know his face.  And not in a good way.  Bill and I have been through many, many things. Good times, hard times, sad times, challenging times, sleep less nights, sickness, worry, and all that become part of this life.  It's during these times that I wish I could sweep him up and hug away his sadness.

A friend of mine Shelly said...and I quote her "Shows what a good man he is, you can judge a man by how he treats and feels about his Mom"-

Shelly, those words ring true. And I thank you for those words.  That text that I just can't delete.  At least not yet.  Because he is.  And was a true gentleman to his Mom.

For the many friends that have reached out, I thank you. Maria, Shelly, Carmen and Kyoko...to name a few. Not to mention  my parents.  My sister. My aunt and uncle. Cousins...Family. 

It means a whole heck of a lot during this time. 

During this time that when a song comes on, and tears stream down my face.  During this time that I hurt more for my love.  Because one can really never imagine what it's like to lose their parent, unless it's happened.  Their Mom.  What ever their age is. Their Mom.

Last night we all sat around the table, his sisters talked about the saved voicemails from her. 
How they never want to lose that voice.  Her. Mom.  Grandma. 
That love.

We miss her.  It's all still so shocking.  One can never be prepared.  During the last couple of years we became closer.  She trusted that I loved them. That I especially love her son. 

I miss her.  I will stand up for Gaylord.  I will stand up for his family.  Strength.  Love. Faith.

Things around us will forever remind us of her. Songs.  Colors....oh she loved pink.

Cazadora tequila. As crazy as that sounds, it will forever remind me of her.

The warm slippers she just gave me. 

Fish and chips. 

Maggie by Rod Stewart.  That I just learned last night.

Her garlic blue cheese dressing.

Her steamed cabbage and carrots.

She didn't like to cook.  But those few things will always stick with me.

For now, I will smother my lover with love.  I will hope and yearn for the good memories to float around us.

Friends and family will pull together.  Happiness will soon be found.

Thank you friends, and thank you family.  Your love will forever and ever stay in our hearts.

Bill, let's look for some sunshine.  Better days are peeking at you.


Love to you all, and hello July-

This girl Leese