Things Only A Mother Understands.

 To refrain from using my blog title to say something like "Things only parents understand" feels a little grey to me. Like the void in comments after we say them. Did we really mean that?  Or did we hold back from how we really feel to fluff up feelings for others? My point here is when it comes to "Proposals" and "Engagements" my whole heart feels like a mother has countless dreams for their children. Whether a boy or a girl, we want the milestones for them. Whatever their lifestyle choices may be, we deep down want the milestones.  Some choose to wait. Some choose a different path. Some wait a lifetime to find what they're looking for.  As a mother, we sincerely want them happy, healthy, and safe. But we also yearn for the embedded milestones we've been enriched to adore.  For me and my true self, I wanted my kids to find a lifetime partner. Get engaged. Get married. Have kids.  Our journey got tossed a bit along the way, and that's okay. But for my son, watching his journey has been nothing but a Cinderella story if you ask me.  If you peek back in le blog you'll see my updates during his transplant.  How a mom becomes a momcologist without the medical background and pay.  What she wore was the bravest, strongest hat that some of us have to wear. And some don't have to wear. Just typing this out I get sweaty armpits, lol, and a racing heart.  But maybe that's good. Maybe God wants me back in the driver's seat to justify how good He is.  How our journey may have helped someone.  Anyone. 

Fast forward 8 years later. 

To today. 

I'll swing by my son's house and hopefully drop his favorite lunch. While he works I'll listen to his kind demeanor and reassuring soul to humans around the nation sorting through loan info. He'll whisper to me he's super busy and sorry, and the dogs will love on Grammie, and I'll leave with a smile on my face because he's alive.  He is my little gold coin I was able to keep.  Unlike some that left us too early. I still get the chance.  I'll stare at the house they've made a home. How the VERY shy girl he brought to our home to meet 4 years ago is now his "Fiance".  A word I wondered if he'd get the chance to say.  He bought her ring months ago.  As it was being made, Kali and I were hovering weekly with allllll the questions a sister and mom would want to know.  Where are you going to do the proposal?  His reply was, that she doesn't want anything super grand and super crowded, she's not into that.  So we'd wait. Kali would pipe in with her meaningful suggestions.  I'd protect both Kris and Kali going back and forth. Explaining to one why the other is suggesting options. LOL.  Our Kali has her vibe, while Kris and Lexi have theirs. And of course, you sprinkled in mine and we had a proposal soup.  

On Saturday we'd execute the idea. (a couple boat related hiccups but with patience and trust it worked out)  She had NO IDEA the day was here. Hence the reply to her mom on the dock...." MOM, YOU LET ME LEAVE THE HOUSE IN SWEATS?!" we laughed and laughed and reminded her that proposals are most genuine when girls do not know.  She knew the day was coming but had no idea when. Perfect, if you ask me! 

So looking back at their story just melts me. Their life here in Arizona with their dogs. Their lifestyle of working hard, fishing, being a nurse, still in school, and keeping a super cute house.  ALL OF IT. Makes me sit back in my seat and just think....woah. WOAH...

I used to chuckle deep down when people would say "God is good" because I thought, well what about us sitting in the hospital room soaking in the depths of Hell. What about me awake at night with a pounding heart on how I was going to save my son.  What about me trying to figure out how I would live without him.  How would I LIVE WITHOUT HIM?  There are numerous times I've questioned religion and God.  But if you see our story. My story.  You will see the Hope that God is in fact there.  That God does have his hand in it all. At least that's what I flip my negative thoughts into. 

With all the craziness in the world right now it's my righteous time to give thanks. To look at both of our kids and praise Him. 

A son who proposed to the sweetest girl. A son who is still here. 

The day was long, fun, and full of people we had no idea were there to cheer from an event upstairs. 

Sorry, Lexi! HA!

And as far as the birds and their poo......

Well, they were there before us so we'll let it go this time! HA!

All hands in the air, CAN I GET AN AMEN.....

AMEN!

To be here. Right now. To love, laugh, and all the cheesy signs I have hanging in my house that refer to "Family" and the moments we took for granted. It's our time. It's their time. 

This my friends, THIS is love and life.

Peace,

This Mama Lisa 

Knock Knock HELLO?

Hello is right!

It's been a minute since I popped on here to give the latest and greatest...

The last time I settled in to write and "blog" was shortly after the kids got married (K&G Rapoza). I was lingering out of the post-wedding slumber. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday, and then again it feels like it was an eternity ago. The last 6 months have given us more love, pride, gratitude, and happiness than I've felt in my entire life. You see, it seems I've been a busy bee running wild to keep afloat and to keep our family nest happy.  Then those chapters close and the book seems to slide up on a shelf for us to reminisce on years from now. My book.  My view of motherhood. My take on partnership. My take on retirement. My take on the life we make as mothers. The hard work, sweat, and lots and lots of tears navigating through some of the hardest days of my life. 

The new book we are watching be written by our kids is the most compelling if you ask me.  It's like the baton has been handed to them. It's the beauty in being the spectator instead of the manager.  It's the praise for all that we are witnessing. To me, this is what life is all about. I'm not saying that the days that lay ahead will be unscathed and flawless.  But I will say, that the tools and foundation our kids have, will have lots of goodness. They will see the flip side of our love for them.  The sleepless nights we'd lay awake finding all resources to make things right. Whether that be colleges, jobs, disease treatments (fuck you cancer), or simply finding the right partner for life.  

When Kris first moved to Arizona, he was working at a Bike, Boat, and Kayak rental place.  I walked down one morning to take him a breakfast burrito. As I approached my son with a bandaid on his nose, a wide-brimmed hat, and a very thin statute, I was saddened.  I kept it in, but deep down I knew he was better than that.  Shortly before that, his dad made it very clear he was to jump into real estate and get his mortgage license. So I stood there watching him eat his burrito ever so slowly as always lol. I prayed he'd continue to study the book that lay in front of him. And study he did. When he went to take that test he passed the test with the highest score that the gal at the desk had ever witnessed. Bill drove with him down to Phoenix to take that test, and they'd come home with a fishing boat Kris bought.

Fast forward. Today he's been with the same mortgage company for 2 1/2 years. Earning more than he ever has. On the outskirts of buying his first home. I pulled into their driveway last week and as I sat in my car staring at his house it hit me.  Look how far he's come! Lexi working at the hospital (she came up here and cut hair for 2 years).  They're doing it! He overcame the hardest chapters ever.  Do they haunt us? Sure. I have just now started tossing remnants from those fucked up days. And months. Something so sickening to want to keep all my notes. All my recommendations for doctors, chemo, treatment plans, facilities, and business cards from doctors.  Some I loved, some I loathed. Each time I toss something from that chapter, it doesn't go away.  But it does seem to lighten the load. Mentally. 

In July of last year, Bill and I were low-key waiting for Kali and Grant to drive up.  On a Sunday......

A Sunday, of which our daughter doesn't take unnecessary time off. Not that visiting her parents was unnecessary, but you get my gist, right? On that day when she walked in, I had brunch ready to be served. And when she walked into her room here and grabbed for a bag, while Grant sat at our counter. I knew. I knew.  Funny how a mama's intuition leads the way.  Always. When I reached into that little bag and grabbed the "stick" I knew.  We hugged, cried, laughed, and hugged some more. After planning a wedding for a year and recuperating from that, I thought woah, buckle up buttercup, things are about to get real, REAL! When they came to visit she was mere weeks.  To the point of us staring at the ultrasound picture and calling the baby a crumb.  Even questioning if "something" was in fact in there. 

The weeks and months to follow have been nothing but surreal to me.  If someone were to ask me how to describe this chapter, I'd say, "shocking". You see, I've always dreamed of watching my babies get married. I've dreamed of watching my daughter be proposed to. To walk the aisle with the man of her dreams, and of course, ours. That happened and then to see her glow, carrying her own baby, is absolutely wild. WILD. And it feels SO GOOD! 

So the point of my relaunch into my blog is simply to keep my journal going. For them. For us. And for baby. The countless hours I spent journaling and sharing our life here at one point kept me sane. It also gives for a memory jog at times.  To stare at what I was feeling. Moments we shared as a family. With some friends and family that are still here and some that are gone.  It's our story. 

And I'm back baby.  

Not even 4 weeks yet....

HAPPY!

In the weeks to come I'll continue to share what the last 7 months have looked like for us.  

God has been working behind the scenes with me, and it hasn't always been easy.  Digesting things I know are good for me, and things and people I know are not. At times it does prove to be painful all around, but worth searching for answers, and that is what I've been doing. Resetting in ways only I know will work. 

One thing motherhood has taught me is the days are long but the years are short.  If someone told me that with a newborn in one hand, and a young son running amuck close by I'd probably cuss you out under my breath.  But the years do fly by and the truth behind that quote stings.  And learning the "sting" is what makes you miss those days, and puts everything, and I mean EVERYTHING into perspective.  

Which brings us to today. 

To this year of 2024.  

To have a granddaughter on the way. 

To feel a baby kick and squirm in your baby.

To watch your daughter make a home with her husband. 

To have a son building his life the way he finally wants and deserves.

To watch a future daughter-in-law make her nursing dreams come to fruition.

To watch sunrises and sunsets in the desert sitting next to my partner. 

To hug my guy on sad days of melancholy and know he misses it too.

But to know we're on a level playing field now.  Growing old and taking care of each other.

Built on love and dreams.

Today, this is what our life looks like.  And through the pain, through the tears and darkest days, I slid out from beneath.  This is our "Today"

Because in the end, when this is all over, I want them to look back at us, and say "Thank you for being there while you could"

That's my only wish...

Until we chat again...thank you for hangin in there with me. 

This Mama Lisa 

PS. Next up, we have an ENGAGEMENT! hint. hint. Krisssopherrrrr and LEXI!

I'll elaborate more in my next post. 

LOVE is in the air.....

* sad reality....I started blogging in 2008. Family far and wide would keep in touch that way. Especially those that didn't have social media.  Like my Aunt Cece whom has since passed. And that alone breaks my heart. Talk about a tablespoon of reality. (insert the broken heart emoji) Also, if you're new here, I tend to sprinkle my writing with an occasional F word. And for that I am sorry I am not sorry. LOL.

No, seriously though. I write what's on my mind. And if my gut says F word, my fingers type F word.

Love you. Mean it! LOL!

A View From An Amazing Videographer....Kali & Grant 5/5/23 - A Week Filled With Love And Fun!

 Kali and Grant Rapoza.....
Each time I look back on the video it makes my eyes fill with tears.  She states she never dreamt of a big wedding, but what she did dream of was finding a good husband and in the end, she got both. 
To see those that came from afar to celebrate these two is incredible.  Quite humbling to say the least. The smile and gleam in each of their eyes show pure love. A deep connection from 7 years of growing together- Marrying in Los Cabos was all worth it.....

Each year as I move things around houses and clear more things from Kris and Kali's childhood items from drawers to their bins at our lakehouse I sit and reminisce through and over each item. The amount of things I've hoarded saved is incredible but glad I did because not much of my childhood remains. At times I would think things I've saved would make Kali smile and appreciate more. Then other times I can tell Kris appreciates little bits of his childhood.  The kindness he did for me. The handmade pieces of pottery.  Or the sorority sister things Kali was legitimately going to toss in the trash. Maybe one day when I give them those bins she'll toss em LOL!  Some day she can show her kids that chapter. The cards she's made for Bill and me. The little notes she would leave me by my coffee maker. Forever and ever love notes for the win.....

The Rapoza wedding was what I would consider a little dream I DID dream of for my baby. Maybe some moms dream of this for their daughters and some can care less.  Deep down, I always wanted her to have what SHE wanted.  And her words "Best Day Of Her Life" was all worth it. 

I hope you enjoy the smiles, dancing, tears, and goodness that came from such a beautiful day. 

Exhilarating, fun, exhausting, emotional, and most of all a surreal week. 

Cheers to Cinco De Mayo 2023- And a "clink" cheers to many many more....

With Love and Gratitude,

Mama Lisa 

PS:  Looking for a great videographer...?

Carlos Guillermo hands down the best of the best...!

Message me for his contact info....

Our Baby Birdie Gets Married

Well, well, WELL!

Long time no chat friends....!

Planning a wedding is no joke.  It's a marathon of notes, emails, vendor requests, patience, and interactions with family and friends. Unsolicited advice. Happiness. Love, and most of all the success of planning most girls' dream of "The Best Day Of Her Life" as she stated...

Kali and Grant met in college. Their junior year. Started off as "Study Buddies" as he told his mom, however, Kali told me she first met him at a party they were both at (he was wearing a Harbour Surfboard T-Shirt) which started the conversation. 

Soon she'd bring him back to our neck of the woods (They both grew up miles apart, yet met out in college in the San Marcos-San Diego area). 

The day I first met Grant I whispered under my breath....hmmm Kali Rapoza....has a cute ring to it...

And within 6 years he planned a grand proposal in Laguna Beach, CA.  

When they decided they wanted a destination wedding we jumped in with all we had.  The beginning of planning. How many people. Who would travel? What style did they want? The hunt for the perfect venue was first and foremost. Explaining to family and friends came second.  We made their dream come true. 

Their 7-year dating anniversary would land on 5/5/23.  Ironic it happened on Cinco De Mayo in Mexico because they don't celebrate the way we do here, but what a party it was. 

We're still waiting on their professional photographs, along with the videographer.  But here are the few sneak peeks they did send along with a few given by friends and family. 

Can't believe how fast the day goes. It's been almost one month!

Cheers to Mr. & Mrs. Rapoza!

This Mama Lisa

Showing Up For 33.

Thirty Three.

The boy that made me the woman I am.

My strength. 

My knowledge.

My kindness.

My willingness to take anything on at anytime to protect him. To protect them.

My only son.

Kristopher Michael Stahl

Born August 17, 1989 - It was a Thursday. In the very early hours. 

I've never felt a love so deep.

I never knew just how much I would protect someone.

You kept me going from the tender age of 19 when I had no idea where life would take me. 

You made me successful. In love. And in life.

Thank you my son....

Happy Thirty Third Chapter Kris. 

I love you more than words can be typed on a screen, or told through a phone.

I just love you so much.

Forever Young

Mama

One Day.

 One day,  you're a young vivacious aunt working in the corporate world, no kids, driving a red Volkswagon beetle. Sharply dressed in her corporate dresses. She'd pull up to gather us for a weekend and it was a vacation of spoilin' for us two girls. She showed us, young nieces, just how deep her love was for family.  Rearing children later in life, her perspective was LOVE first, rules second. Sitting in traffic from LA to Alhambra like it was nothing to scoop up my sister and me.  She taught me how to apply lipstick, smudging my lips together.  She bought me my first pair of heels at Kinney Shoes. She showed me how to make quiche.  And when I say show me, she never measured things out, she would whip up a crust and fill it with the most divine broccoli and cheeses.  When I was 13, in her kitchen as she prepared over 40 for her Peruvian girlfriend's wedding.  We filled her car to the brim in boxes.  All along I was proudly wearing the new heels she bought me.  She was the neighborhood kindness spreader. 

They moved their sons to Lombard, IL back in I believe, 1993.

She was there, and sometimes here, but we always knew a phone call could give us the Cece voice. Her advice. Sometimes she'd nag me about not being married until she realized the topic would fade once Bill and I hit 20 years.

She passed away unexpectantly exactly a month after my Grandma.  My grandma's second child. 

Grandma left here 6/22/22 Cece 7/22/22

Cecilia Graff, my aunt.  Gone in her sleep.  Due to arrive back to California for our grandma's memorial. 

You see quotes and poems about showing those you love, that you do.  Things that should be said.

Tell those you love you do.

The morning we all got the call I just kept thinking....Woah. If there's Heaven she's with grandma, and Arlene and Zander our cousin. I thought she was at peace from bills, and from whatever Earthly grief she was traveling around each and every day. But her sons! Her husband.  She was the rock. 

So, our grandma's memorial was rescheduled while we all hovered around our three cousins. Peter II, Philip, and Patrick. Three boys adored their mom.  Their mom would protect them with every grain in her body. 

She's gone. 

There's a song by Chicago, and for as long as I can remember it reminds me of her. "Saturday's in the park"- 

I was walking the other morning on the beach, it came on and I thought just how fast and crazy this life is, and then you can't call them ever again. When she was here and we all sat in our grandma's house around grief, fear and tension so thick you could slice it with a knife.  Her last words were....Be nice.

On her Facebook page her "ABOUT" says -  I pray for Peace.

I see her smile in this picture and I want to remind each and every one of you. Go make amends.

NEVER stop giving out love.  Compliments. Smiles.

Just like that. 

One phone call. 

Cece passed away.  

It seems like I was just a young girl, standing by her side. Listening to her go on and on about whatever she was teaching us.  Her hospitality and loving ways to serve others.

Cece, I love you.

I'll miss you.

I'll have regrets about never seeing your home in Illinois.  Your cooking.  Your love to your boys.

I love you.

Grief is just love with no place to go.  I read that quote the other morning. 

Peace.

Love.

One Day.

One day, you get the call.

She's gone. 

This Mama Lisa 

The Pages Keep Flipping.

This little girl insisted on running her little pointer finger through the Seal Beach sand sculpture that clearly read, "Do Not Touch",---- she touched. A story her dad still tells. The little defiant one that turned out to be the opposite....

Now she's planning to take the hand and name of Rapoza. 

We couldn't ask for a better future son-in-law. 

Kali Mae Stahl

We're so happy for you both.....

Truly never knew just how fast the pages would flip.  Just how fast we'd watch this love story unfold.

We can't wait to see you blossom and grow....You both have made us so incredibly proud...

Love,

This Mama Lisa 

All That You Have.

Over the last few months, or maybe even weeks while navigating through loss, family, wedding planning, and life, I've been enlightened, yet once again what is important. 

What is important in this fast life....Our souls?

Planning a wedding with our daughter, yet glancing over my shoulder at my aunts mourning the loss of their mom. Grandkids that maybe held on lightly and now she's gone. I stopped in on Saturday to visit her partner of 25 years. The sadness in his eyes, yet gratefulness for the visit. The moments he'd speak of her to abruptly stop and stare down at his remote for the tv to hold back tears. He said she was there.  He feels her. He said mostly at night. All I could do is just stare at what love at the end looks like. A home that still smells of her.  I could smell her Jean Nate' the minute I walked in the door. I didn't feel sad when I walked in.  As a matter of fact, I felt embraced.  Just like forever and ever for 52 years, that home never changed. The same little decorations that meant so much to her. Her kitchen window is lined with little trinkets.  Something I find myself gathering at times. As a matter of fact, as I sit here and type I found a shell that stood out and he's in my pocket and I never bring shells home.  Something about the curl of the top.  My lucky shell. Just like her home.  There are lucky parts to all of us.  From the front door to the smell of her, that lingers. I couldn't stare into her room. A place she loved to be in. 

This life. 

It's got dust in corners, and old pictures adorn the walls. Mostly pictures of her family.  Of all her grandbabies. Me included.  Pictures of my mom and dad whom I don't see but can see the history of their ability to try. I felt love in the chair I sat in.  As a matter of fact, it was the chair I last saw her sit in while she tried to sweep the fog away from her dementia mind.  She would kind of pretend to know people at the end, but I felt like she knew me.  I knew she felt Tina and knew Tina.  It was heartbreaking at the end for her closest daughters to tend to a woman of beauty that outright refused to take a shower.  The complete opposite of what she raised us all to be. 

This life. 

I sat there for a few hours with Gene. Listening to his stories about serving in the Vietnam war. He showed me photos of his brother's funeral that he watched live on his phone an hour before I arrived. You guys..... He died a day after my grandma. His love.  Then his brother.  They sent his body to Oklahoma for burial.  Again, showing me the picture, telling me a short story about his brother Johnny, to have to stop and regroup. I could see his lip quiver and his eyes squinted as he tried so hard to share his sadness yet the strong serving US Veteran wouldn't let it out completely.  So we just sat there quietly. 

This life.

All along I thought if he feels and hears my grandma here. Then she's here.  And I hope she knows we will love on Gene. I will. When I got my things to go I stared along the family room wall lined with our family tree.  The old stereo cabinet is lined, and I MEAN LINED with photos of every single daughter, son, my grandfather, along with every single grandchild and great-grandchild in our family.  Some made me smile, and some made me tear up.  Something I learned recently about my grandma- she kept every single card someone would send her. Whether it was a birthday card, Mother's Day or a simple thank you.  She kept them.  Some were sent from our mom to her in the '70s.  Talk about love. 

This life.

When I hugged him goodbye I told him I loved him, and I'd be in touch. Thanking him for loving my grandma the best he could for all those years. I began to cry, pulled out, and did my traditional honk as we do when we leave.  Passing the ice-cream truck with his wonky tonk music blaring.  Hoping to see the tamale man as I pulled away....maybe that was meant to be. I just don't want that house to change, and yet it will. It has to.  

This life.

We're planning a wedding for our littlest. The irony of what's so important to her right now might be a dusty road later, yet she doesn't see that right now. Right now, we need the right stamps she loves lol.  Right now, it's the little details and timelines that mean the most.  To her. To me too, but I'll always sit a little to the side to let her sort it out. Then quietly add my two cents.  If this is the chapter she chooses to make the way she wants, well.....then let's go for it.  She knows I will always be in her corner. 

This life. 

My therapy?

THIS WEEK.

LAST WEEK. 

I walk the beach most mornings.  Some mornings are just more beautiful than others.  I don't think there will ever be a bad day walking along the shoreside, but some mornings it's like the shells line up to greet me.  Some days it's so windy I push to get through, but then thank my lucky shells I have the chance and opportunity to do so. 

This life. 

So this song comes on at the jetty as I reach the end. 

I think of my girl.  I think of my grandma.  I think of my mom. The women that influenced me to be and do better even if the intention wasn't laid out the way we would expect. 

Stay humble.  Love those you love, hard.  Never fail to sneak in compliments and praise. Especially to the kids. Build em up.  Always. This next generation needs it more than anything. 

Don't give up.  And spread kindness like glitter. Paper glitter lol.  Not that shiny stuff HA!

I hope this song inspires some of you, like it did me this morning. 

All That You Have Is Your Soul

Oh my mama told me
'Cause she say she learned the hard way
She say she wanna spare the children
She say don't give or sell your soul away
'Cause all that you have is your soul

Peace and Love,

Lisa

PS: Will the things we fret about today really be that big of a deal 5 years from now?

Love. 

This life.

Is fast......

A Stormy Day In June.

 On June Tenth, Twenty Twenty Two- I drove with my daughter to USC Keck Hospital to stand over my Grandma's bed watching her stare off into what looked like sheer misery. A tube down her nose to gain some sort of nutrition, two IV's (which alone made me cringe). But a look at times in her eyes that she knew we were there.  She knew her daughter "Nettie" was there and she knew her daughter "Lyn" was there. She suffered a stroke. 

Kali and I not sure what to say or do, just attempting to help her be more comfortable. I began to caress her forehead and hair, soon she reached up. I realized she didn't want me to mess her hair up. 

Glimmers of hope would blossom, then fade again as each doctor would make their appearances with grim outlooks. 

I learned many things from her. Not much in the way of nurturing or mothering, but more of beautification. She always reminded us to "make yourself look presentable" no matter what, where, how and with who.  We learned to serve our men good meals. "Food is the way to a man's heart", if you will.  With all due respect, it's something I cherish and feel this generation is taught different.

Her heels would match her purse.  Always a handbag worth carrying, not always strapped over her shoulder.  She loathed the sun. Her skin whispered that until her last days.  Putting your purse on the ground was just not the place for it to be. Walking barefoot around the house would indefinitely cause us to become sick or our womanly insides would later suffer. She was Portuguese. She was beautiful. We just had a surfer dad, so barefoot and sun runnin' were these two little girls. And to this day you'll probably never find me with glitter, shimmer or fancy high heels....

Her home is the only home that never changed in my Fifty Two years on this Earth.  The same right turns from the exit of Valley Blvd off the 605 fwy.  Waking up as a little girl in the back seat next to my sister as we made a huge curve on the street leading closer to her house.  We'd wake knowing how close we were.  The scent in her home ranged from a fresh batch of beans slowly cooking, to acetone and nail polish.  Or, at times, she'd just dyed her hair and the aroma of Loreal would fill that big ol' house.  

Last week we all stood around her family room, living room, back patio and kitchen and all I kept thinking was....this is it.  This is the last pages of this book. It was so surreal. 

She was sent home on hospice and left this Earth 11 days later. To say we all experienced adrenaline, sadness, laughter, love, heartbreak, tension and frustration is an understatement. It was like we were all in a movie we'd seen a million times.  Yet this movie was real and we were all witnessing and watching it end.  We'd all speak to her, with hopes she'd open her eyes just a little bit more.  And some times she did. I caught three different occasions of which I know for sure it was NOT a reflex as the hospice nurse said. I strongly disagreed.  With 2 strokes, end stages of dementia, she knew who, and what was in front of her. 

She knew when I called my sister to speak to her and I held the phone slightly to her ear.  She held the phone and opened her eyes. My sister was a familiar face. A favorite first grandbaby, if you will. She knew my cousin Mike and gave him a expression I will never forget...(he was another favorite of hers) And for sure my uncle Harry whom she smirked at. We can call them "reflex's", but I call them love. 

Her three daughters Lynda, Nettie and Susie there from sun up to sun down. Round' the clock. Never leaving her side.  Her partner Gene for 28 years never wanting to throw the reality towel in.  She was fading. Her two oldest daughters flew in and flew back out with a haze of the unknown of how to handle the last pages. Her only son handling it the best he could, with denial covering his heart. His mama. 

For some reason, I held strong. I kept thinking, this isn't the way she should go. This breathing part sucks. This hand holding, ice chips, frozen cranberry juice and morphine is just out right a fucked up way to leave.

And then I thought....just slip away grandma. Just go...

We all know I've questioned religion, and at times still do.  I whispered in her ear, Grandma, it's okay....you can go.  Gene will be okay, the girls will be okay and her only mijo (not sure how to spell that) but her only son Alex...would be okay. 

She held on.

Annette, Lynda, Susie and Alex did too. 

On Wednesday, June 22, 2022- The lightening, thunder, rain and in some places hail....the skies opened up and embraced my grandma.  She loved rainy days. 

My aunts and sister fixed her up. The call to hospice and mortuary to come and gather the love of their life. Our love.  The matriarch of the family.  The top of the tier. 

Gone.

So the dignity her daughters and first granddaughter gave to her.  Makeup, a little lipstick and some style to her hair. 

She lost a daughter (our aunt Arlene in 1983)- So I just kept thinking....If there is a Heaven. If God is there....could you imagine seeing your daughter. Could you imagine seeing grandchildren that left before you. 

I learned a few things during that week of family gathering together.  I learned what the look of the last pages of a book filled with 91 Chapters.  I learned how heartbreak and grief can bring people together and yet I learned how it can cause friction. 

I'll miss her even though I didn't go visit her as much as I should.  Guess another example of my own nest, and friendships and travels selfishly stepped in front. 

I'm afraid of what will happen with family. The aunts, cousins and uncle we'd all gather at times for all the times.  Good, and bad.

I come from a silly family, it's where I get my inappropriate laughter at the worse times. We pull silly out of sadness.

I'll miss hearing the ice cream truck coming down her street. I'll miss the race track bobble heads in her family room.  I'll miss all the kitties she'd feed. Her love for cats ran deep- Hello Kali, that's your genetics, little one. 

So many people used to say, call your mom, call your grandma...and I raise my hand guilty.  Before her dementia got bad I'd call her on my way home and the call lingered for so long, sadly I think she forgot what story she was telling me so I'd just answer her questions over and over.

She never forgot Kristopher and his sickness. The day he walked in bald recovering she was so happy he was doing better. 

My sister sent me a cute video of her the day I was heading to the hospital and I can't tell you how  many times I've watched it. For laughter. Not sadness. She didn't like celebrating her birthday.  

I'm grateful for the love she gave us. For the chances to gather at her home, although I know at times (now that I'm older and see how our homes get splattered with the remnants of a good time)- 

Lucky to look at her picture and know that I came from her nest. I sprung from her oldest offspring.

Whatever Heaven looks or feels like, I hope she's catching up with Arlene. Her daughter.

I hope she has clarity and the fog she complained about from Dementia is gone. 

I'll forever cherish the moments with her. 

Sunshine is the only thing I've rebelled against. 

The rest, I owe to you beautiful Grandma. 

I'll always take care of Bill. 

I'll cook good food, enjoy a good cocktail and laugh at all the things I shouldn't.

Not sure about high heels I still battle that one...

But I'll always put make-up on to look "presentable".

You've exited this blurry world.

Beautiful Grandma.....Linda-

May 1st, 1933- June 22, 2022

Departed on the stormiest day of June....

The mother of 7 Children......6 Girls, and 1 Boy....

My Opening Farewell