Mic Check. Womp. Womp.

 What's up cool cats and kittens?! You make it through the holidays ok?

Well, almost two months blazed by.  Not without the normal garb that goes into closing out a year. 

Or in my case I tend to walk a tender line through holidays.  This one no different.  Cry baby...

December was actually a blur if I'm being honest. I shopped last minute.  I grazed through some stores fighting with my mask, fiddling with my glasses getting fogged up. Trying to smile at strangers with my eyes. 

One thing you all probably know about me, is my desire to throw compliments out like it's confetti.  I always try to find something good on, or in someone. (Just today, the lady working at The Dollar Tree was the most sincere loving and kind human to the elderly shopping her line-) She needs to know her kindness isn't taken for granted. At least not by me.  Not being able to smile at humans while out and about did its number on me during my most tender-of-months-emotionally.  December. 

Constantly reminded while out with Kali "Mom, put your mask back on" - Oh. Sorry. I pull that shit down so people can not only hear me (I don't talk loud enough)- BUT to smile at a server.  Someone bagging my groceries, or a tender gesture to an elderly human.  I still wonder the effects this pandemic will have on our next generation.  The little's in tow.  Mask on, big yellow dots on the floor on where to stand.  Then you add in the crazy 6 foot distant police.  Crazy.  Trust me, I have introvert tendencies and no one wants us to climb up on the other....but when someone tells me I can't look at greeting cards because they're standing there....then they shouldn't be out shopping for greeting cards. Bam.  

That's a whole different topic for a whole different post.  Let's just say...I hear and see such hypocrisy right in my own family.  And friends.  It's hurtful and it's weird.  *so and so can't go over or be around because she didn't have her mask on and we can't police her/him...but let's not shine the light down on ourselves for going out and about at neighbors houses and sharing all the things...drinks, food and company.  LOL. 

Resentful much Lisa?  Yea.....just a little. 

During Christmas each year I tend to get stiff with emotions. I become sad easily and music sends me over the top.  I hold harder grudges against the grains of family issues from the past.  I feel left out, yet I stay out on purpose.  So it's a double edge sword I shoot against myself. 

Powerful seasons, split wide open.  You win some you lose some. 

This last December was no different.  However, we did stroll back and forth quite a bit from Havasu (AZ) to (CA).  Now I have birdies in each state.  One delicate flower cactus finally adjusting to a new life in AZ with a new little family of his own. (Alexis, and animals, animals, animals....) and FISHING.  Cautiously dancing around a virus, he is finding his way out there.  He's studying to take his Mortgage Loan License test and it's overwhelmed him more than a few times.  To say I am proud of how far he's come with the journey he was handed is beyond.  He's a walking miracle.  And someone that really shrugs off assholes like they're flies and looks for rainbows after a rainy day.  He's never a spiteful mean person, he just wants to love and fish. haha. 

Taking no more than about 3 weeks away from Kali, she tends to miss mama the most.  By the way...Shout out to you little sweet birdie- New job new year! Big new beginnings. Dad and I are so incredibly proud of the woman you're becoming. Level headed, and a bright beam of light for success. It's why we've worked so hard to provide and show you the example of dedication to goals.  

Mid December came and I was reminded of our annual Christmas Boat Parade back at the beach.  I packed my car (did you guys know I haul 3 pillows back and forth, along with bags and bags of clothes....lol) and jammed back to the beach.  Arriving at 3pm, I'd grab our ladder and yanked our tree down from the garage rafters, bins of lights and most decor.  Well, the most I could handle alone.  

My bestie came over and we sat down next to my tree sipping white wine and got caught up.  Sulking in a way because we couldn't have our annual Christmas Party, but then I kind of reminded myself that sometimes these little slices of a break might just be for a reason.   The lightest decorating of all time, but I did it. 

I stayed back just long enough to get Christmas gifts handled, wrapped and repacked into my car to head back to the desert.  A week before Christmas.  I was exposed to le'Coronito virus so I could only drop off my bin of gifts at Kris and Lexi's doorstep. After spraying the top of them with Lysol. LOL.  Cried driving away...because I could hear the dogs barking.  They knew Grammie was there.  And yet I said don't let them out, I don't want them kissing on me.  SAD!

Bill and I drove back to the beach on Christmas day.  And if you wonder where we ate?  That'd be McDonalds.  Yes.  Mickie-dee's.  He's a McRib guy, true fan loyal to the core.  Everything else was closed in Barstow.  I love Filet o' Fish.  So it was a win win.  Disgusting once we got home and felt the after effects of eating fast food.  No bueno.  

Two days later we'd be on a plane headed to Cabo.  Our friends in the harbor bought a beautiful home there last year.  An invite shared all last year.  Between moving Kris, and Bill's surgery...it was always a "maybe next time guys!"  

December 27, we landed in Cabo.  With 4 couples. And a trip that will go down as one I will never forget. 

Paul and Mary.  Coolest cats in town. 

I had a nirvana moment on the boat we chartered the next day.  Floating across the water with whales in the distance, sitting atop the "net" over the water while sipping a margarita.  Can't fully describe it, but I will take it to my ashes.  As a matter of fact, maybe my family can celebrate my life that way some day. 

Just don't leave my ashes behind anywhere. LOL. No, I'm serious.  

We stayed a week and had over-the-top fun.  Paul and Mary stop at nothing short of amazing.  They had a chef come to their home and cook for us on NYE and also the last night we were there.  We floated in their pool on New Years Day.  We walked down to the beach side on NYE at sunset to watch them release baby turtles out to sea...pure bliss. 

Incredible. Truly, incredible. 

Yes, our liver-warning-lights came on flashing with a vengeance.  But you get the jist of it all, right? 

After arriving back, we jetted back to Havasu to celebrate Kris' 5th Re-Birthday!  

In the Bone Marrow Club, this milestone is a big one to get to. 

Life is flying by for us.  

We managed to sneak back to Cabo with just Paul and Mary a couple weeks ago.  Flights were awesome. Airports and airplanes empty...so why not....WHY NOT.....We had to take Covid tests before coming back to CA.  All good.  All negative.  

I've been cleaning out drawers and bins from my old house.  Bill and I both tossing old pictures that don't matter to us anymore.  The relief of things and people that will never be of worthwhile. Tossed.  I sat intently on the floor staring at some and sharing with my sister.  Look at this gem. My grandparents. 

Thirty two years ago. Divorced, and yet still danced at my wedding. My grandma is beautiful.  My grandfather, rest in peace...was so so handsome.  So wild to look back at memories. 

Tina and Lisa.  Wee little pea-pods.  Before life got hard, and deliriously strange at times. 

My sister and Tori came down a few weeks ago- Kali hosted her first little brunch for us, and we walked down to the water...

Seasons are coming and going.  Finding beauty in all that we've missed throughout the years.  Loving the moments with those I love.  Understanding the rift of those that want us to stay back because of the covid-schmovid.  We get it.  

I hope you're all hanging on tight. Learning new schedules.  Washing reusable masks (ew)- Smiling with your eyes, or at the very best, tossing out compliments to those that deserve it.  

I'm incredibly grateful for good health.  For good friends.  For great birdies.  For sunsets and for sunrises. 

Grateful. 

"I love the way you love me"

And if you think life is all rainbows and unicorns all the days all the time....it's not that way.  We've worked incredibly hard through years and YEARS of HARD work, and more family trauma than you'd ever want to experience. 

Now life's worth living the best we can.  While we can. 

Remember.....

One phone call.  

Calls I hope you never have to experience. 

With love, and a hefty dose of eye smiles...

Keep kindness in the front.

One act of kindness for someone else, every day. 

One thing. 

Even if it's a smile from car to car.  Without your mask.

Humanity.  Keep that in front.

But if you're getting tailgated, brake check that mothertrucker. 

LOL!  amiright? damn straight. 

This Mama Lisa 

Keep Riding The Waves.

 The December gloom has landed upon my shoulders. 

I fought it off for weeks. 

 Not willing to give into the cold winter air. The gloom of the sunless harbor-side days.  The hustle of the sound of Christmas. Not the beauty in trees, decor and good food, but the tight shoulders filled with stress over a pandemic. 

The election drama that rolled out first, lingering in between everyone's continued Covid concerns.

Will it end?

Will people be changed forever?

Why, yes. 

Friendships and family gathering, but not including other humans because of a virus. 

Christmas schedules muted because no one can be held responsible for a simple hug. 

Life hands out "what if's" like confetti, and yet we all just continue to walk in circles.

Are we doing the right thing, or are we killing each other with a simple gathering. 

A Christmas tree is up, with no gifts wrapped yet, but a fridge is filled to the brim with all the good food. 

Wine will be devoured by loved ones, but the next morning we lay awake in fear of sickness.

I woke today with my old friend "worry" and his brother "sadness". 

Folding clothes that stayed in the dryer all weekend because I would rather be near my littlest birdie. 

But then another trip to the pharmacy to pick up my sons 9 bottles of medicines that keep him alive and able and I walk the same halls of the oncology and I am reminded of why my shoulders are stiff.

I am reminded of the text back to my parents that WE DO NOT need anything. No gifts.

I asked for a picture of them. 

A selfie if that's all they got. Whatever.

Don't spend just to spend and send. 

We have fridges full of food. We have health.  We have life.

To wrap and rip through within minutes. 

What are we doing?

Why do I feel this way every year?

Maybe it's the network of this pandemic. The shame we all will soon feel. 

Can't gather with too many because then you're the bad guy.  Can't leave someone out, because then you're really a bad guy. 

And so we just forge through. We're all connected in goodness and sadness.  In fear and in sorrow. 

Today I feel the gloom.  I feel the tainted breakdown of trauma.  Of the what if's. 

Do we say fuckit and just keep what we've always done, and that would be..."Our best"?

Do we live fierce, wild and free in our pods while forgetting the rainbow of friends we've made along the way?

Or do we just let the New Year blossom with hopes/beliefs a vaccination will swoop down and save the world? Skeptic much Lisa? Why yes friends, yes she is. 

For me, I'm stepping to the side in my own beliefs, washing my hands like a ninja like I do. 

My best to you and yours.

Keep your chin up and while taking a deep breath, right now......relax your shoulders. 

Maybe they're not bunched up like mine...

Just keep doing your best.

Keep the chatter out. 

Stay smart, but stay true.

This life is way too fast.

Way......too fast. 

Beautifully imbalanced, but full of love and silliness-

Let's continue to ride the waves kids.

PS. WASH YOUR HANDS. RELAX YOUR SHOULDERS. 

Good luck to you all...May you find warmth in sunshine on your shoulders. Love in a smile from a loved one. Compliment strangers. Do good deeds. 

And do not ever take for granted, the good ol' days.

Just keep ridin' the waves....

Each one.

You can do it. 

Cheers. 

PEACE OUT. 

Hallelujah

This Mama Lisa

Time Flies. But not really.

 This past Thanksgiving day I was reminded of just how special it was 5 years ago.  I made little posters. Representing words that I felt.  News to relay to the world. A donor was found for our son. We knew he was from Germany. Actually, at first, we were just told Europe. 

I woke early that morning to make these little posters so that we could make a video.  That particular morning we'd be hosting Jen's parents Jeff and Renee.  Between Tori, my sister, Jen, Jeff and Renee we knew it would be extra special. 

Bucky was with us.  This Thanksgiving I scrolled through those posters. Reminiscing on those no longer with us. And remembering Jen and all she did to care for him through the worst time of his life.  

I can't believe we're peeking at 5 years, and then again I can.  The road to get where we are today has been anything but easy.  I still wake almost every single night with the memories.  The torture that beast laid down on our family.  My son most especially.  The nightmare it was. It is.  It will never go away. 

But we celebrate all the victories now.  Posters. Pictures. Videos that are extremely hard for me to watch. I literally get a knot in my stomach when I see pictures of those days in the hospital.  They worked so hard to keep him alive. And yet I was numb.  Running on nervous energy 24 hours a day. 

5 years is January 13, 2021.  5 years we had an original Admit date of December 24th. All the prep would never prepare a family for what was about to take place. 

And yet here we are.  5 years, you guys. FIVE. 

They were taking him down 3 times a day to radiation. He was basically being put into a microwave.

I was watching my baby burn from the inside out. Like, what the actual fuck on Earth are we called to be so tortured.

Because of HOPE?

That's all I had. 

That is all I had. 

That is all I ever have.

HOPE. 

And lots of triggers and PTSD. I know he does too, but we all just navigate through the best we can. 

My sweet Kali deals with anxieties and issues daily that I know stem from some of what she watched. 

Heartbreaking.

And yet, 5 years. You guys, he's alive. 

And able. 

And navigating. 

And loving. 

And being kind.

And learning. 

And searching.

And pushing through. 

Thanksgiving 2020 was beautiful. 

Very different from years past, but so full of happy moments and love.

Kali and I cooked up a storm. 

Heart was full.

We miss Jeff. We miss Jen. We love Renee.

We climbed such big mountains together. 

So much changed in these 5 years.

Jeff and Bucky have left Earth. 

Jen lives in Australia. 

Kris has found the sweetest of all....Alexis "Lexi" whom we love!

It's been a hard year, but we have to believe that 2021 will be better. A good place to begin is with HOPE. 

There are two ways to be: Kind and respectful. A basic rule, per say...."One Rule", two words. BE KIND.

Not everyone will have our same beliefs.  Not everyone will like us. Not everyone will be on our side. Or their side. 

But kindness most definitely helps.

The mission in life is not merely to survive, as Maya Angelou said, "but to thrive, and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor and some style"- 

It's not about who you voted for.  Or what religion you follow. 

It's a notion to make another feel good. 

Taking into consideration what others have gone through.  What others have been handed.

I HOPE and pray I can be around long enough to see this horrible virus get under control.  I HOPE I can see my son and daughter flourish. 

To my friends and family in the thick of grief because of all the changes this year....

Hang tough. 

Life is delicate and oh, so fast. 

In case you're wondering how Kali's rescue is doing?

Just fine.

I hope you all feel lightheartedness, love and good cheer during this month. 

Of peace on Earth, human kindness and decency...wherever you may go. 

Go in PEACE. 

Because time flies......But not really. 

Love and PEACE. 

Most of all, HOPE.

This Mama Lisa