The Difference

Isn't it true when viewing a group in pictures, whether it'd be friends, parents or children... you really have no idea what chapter or page they're on. You do stare at a man that handed strength to a daughter next to him. You stare at the arms wrapped around each other. Not really grasping what that felt like to us because our vines are now growing with more faith.  It was happy. It was bold. It was weepy but mostly full of love. You have no idea the beautiful woman in her long denim dress whom we call Mom has a walnut sized tumor. We all hope she is given the clear through her HMO this week (because waiting two weeks at this point is just getting silly) to get this surgery done, and done quickly. You have no idea the girl in the floral dress has navigated far from her parents for many many years and so standing there in their hometown felt a little strange. Strange but beautiful if that makes any sense at all. Yet she puts her arms around them in sort of awe. A little protection, if you will. A quick shot all together. Capturing the moment. My pulse racing because I knew the "Good-Byes" or shall I say "See-Ya-Laters" were imminent. You stare at the guy on the end and wonder where he falls into play. He's the girl in florals' anchor.  The one who's heard the stories of my family for years and years. You stare at a unit that is shifted in a new direction. Sadly not because we wanted to, but have to. That's the funny thing about chapters. About the words people share "Things happen for reason" those four words I say bullshit to because no one deserves to walk through fire to get to heaven. Or fire to water. Or shit to peace.

This chapter is moving. She's beautiful. She's strong. So strong. She's birthed two daughters that will navigate through all the waters. With her. For her.

We flew up there last weekend. Not just for her. Or him. Or them. We had a trip planned since February. The timing was unreal. The day's unfolded the way they should have. As a unit, and yet as days with friends. The Six Pack. Wine. Laughter. Tears. Cooking. Views. Deer. Hugs. More wine.

And HOPE.

I'd like to wave a banner in the air for my sister. The sister that flew up, handled the paperwork necessary for doctors and nurses to get things flowing. Legal and medical papers covering our bases as two daughters. Filling out paperwork a patient shouldn't have to, and yet protecting my dad even more from the daunting task of preparing his wife for the mountain she must climb. My sister took thank you cards, and cookies to that very office that went beyond protocol and ordered the first MRI.

Thank you Tina. Dad always refers to you as daughter #1.

I'd say you were 100% number one this weekend.

You give me HOPE.

This picture resonates deep.  It's a true depiction of us.  My mom the quiet stoic one dealing with the feels.  Meanwhile, my dad and I walk back to car to say our good-byes bawling. #thecrybabies

Thanks to Bill for capturing a raw picture of us.  This life. 

The Trabue's. 

Stay strong Mom.  You've always held it together silently.  I see your brave heart still doing so. 

Side note of the beautiful time we did have up there.....tucked up in a beautiful home rented.  Thank you Jodee for finding such a gem.  I will forever hold those fun nights and day wine drinking close to my liver.  I mean, heart.  I will forever remember stomping through somewhat familiar grounds with you all.  Thank you for letting me tug you over to the lily flower garden to have our picnic.  Even when we had no seat, just a stump.  You all just rolled with it.  Sitting down on grass in white pants, just because we could.

(Sign in a tasting room- Plymouth, CA. It's these little things that grab me...she mentioned to us that Joseph Aspdin is the guy that did their patio and sidewalk out front. love) 

It's been quite the week that's for sure.  A week of sorting. Of hovering over Kris again.  Of learning and researching of my mom's new neurologist.  Of LOTS and LOTS of praying.  

I hope you all have a peaceful weekend. I hope your health is good.  I hope your heart is rested.  I hope you find little bits of hope in the days ahead of you. 

Kali's still enjoying life in Italy.  A wise reminder to me to sit back and watch beauty in the world. 

Especially our baby birdie.  Beer drinkin' birdie? 

Her experience on the bus and train to Germany is everything.  Rolling past the green hills of Austria. 

The kind people with utmost manners in Germany.  The respectful men.

So glad she's able to see the good in the world. 

And a good cold beer. 

I kindly asked her to walk around with a sign over her shoulder that read "WERE YOU A STEM CELL DONOR TO A GUY IN THE USA?"  She declined but DID say alot of guys resembled the look of her brother though ----Amazing..........

 Bike tour through Munich.....September 2017-  Live, love and enjoy the world Kali Koo-Koo!

Young dudes surfing the fine waters that flow down through massive tunnels from The Swiss Alps! 

Notice the heart plate, er......dang  LOL!

May you walk with a heart full of love.

This Mama Lisa

You Keep It Together

You keep things together for your girls.  For your husband.  For your sisters, brother and your mom.  You generally keep to yourself. You've always been the quiet thinker, yet the last few weeks something was off.  My dad noticing little characteristics that didn't quite line up.  Small moments of forgetfulness.  Mostly you've had behavioral changes that alerted dad.

A body that has treated you pretty well for years and years.  Sixty seven years young.  A mom that
still loves to run.  Hike.  Walk and most of all, work-out. 

My mom has a brain tumor. The silver lining is so far it does NOT look like the C word. 

 It's 3 Centimeters, which is a tad of a booger.  

When I was little I can remember her bringing me soup if I was sick. I remember her leaving a bucket next to the couch because I was the puker.  When I was a teen she covered for me a few times when I had cramps and didn't want to go to school. 

I wish I were closer so I could bring her soup.  I wish I were closer to whip things in shape faster than they're unfolding but she has my dad.  A hero in my eyes forever. The man that has loved her since their middle school days.  The endless mountains they've climbed together.  Good, bad, indifferent, drunk, sober, laughing, crying......

Together. 

Friday morning I woke after a concert to a message from my sister "Call me when you can".

That message came in at 6:30am.

My gut knew something was wrong. 

It took me a few hours to digest. I literally sat in silence.  Staring at that same sign in my living room "PRAY OFTEN"-  and "FAITH WORKS"

The weekend was a little sappy for me. Something I'm not proud of.  Between hormones, the clouds, and the never ending cycle my soul offers, I was scared. 

We gathered for a bon-fire with our group.  Friends that have held my head up for years and years.  I sipped wine as the sun tucked away in the cooler ocean air.  I shared my fears with the girls that have held my hand through the other mountains. 

I watched an amazing fire burn wood like the devil.  I was mesmerized with the beauty of it all.  Together.  Friends.  Family.  Games.  Fire. Smores (yuck-lol), waves. Sand. Little kids. 

Today?  Today I am not scared.  I am at peace.  As my auntie Nettie said in text last night "Your mama is gonna be okay"

And I truly feel it. 

We will climb this mountain with my mom.  I'll do the little things I know best.  I'll continue my research, doctors, the hospital stay, info for my dad.  Info he needs, and info he does not need. 

There's parts of this tumor, it's removal, and hospital stay that they truly do not need to know.  

Not quite yet.  I'm a believer in crossing the bridges as you come to them. 

Too much info can be terrifying.

Truly and really scary. 

At least right now.

I shared with my sister yesterday how I am a coward when it comes to certain parts of hospital stays.  Like ICU.  I've never seen my mom in pain.  Getting through brain surgery will be her biggest marathon ever.  Nothing this warrior family can't handle.
Just a shift in tides.  Pages flipped in our family books.

I've lived far from my mama since 1987-

My parents have been together since middle school.  Hearing his voice crack last night and finally breaking down was reality of this life.  For better or for worse.  Through mountains, and valleys.  Marriage. Love.  Together.  Best friends.  

I made my promise of daughter-hood.  I'll be there through all the trials.  

  The funny thing about my parents and us...we know one another, but then again, we've lived far and separate for many many years. So there's parts of us that neither really know. 

Their pattern at home.  Their choices of dinner.  Their choices of routine.

The newness in this new chapter we will be forced to write.  And read.

But the vine in family will bring us all back together.

Things happen for a reason.  A reason we'll never fully grip.  Or understand.  I keep telling myself through the trials and tribulations that life could always be harder.  

My mom is strong.  She's healthy otherwise.  

She will climb this mountain just as she has the others. 

And her two little birdies will fly around the nest, her beautiful body, and most always we'll keep her
soul safe.  

Enough of the sappy stuff!  Here's our little birdie enjoying Italy.  The broadness in travels.  The mundane and yet the extravagant.  She's learning. Living.  Dreaming.  She's not looking back, and loving it.  

I caught this video of Macklemore last night and I could not stop watching. 

Living life.  

And remembering to live for the moment. 

One phone call, one moment.  This life.  It's fast.  It's beautiful.  It's heartbreaking.  But most of all, it's good.

Please pray for my mama. Please, more than anything..pray for my dad.  He's gotta stay tough!  The miles are too far for me to pick up the pieces right away.  But we WILL get through it. 

I hope you all have a wonderful end of summer.  

Glorious....

Can't believe it's over...and yet I'm really excited for Fall.  And Thanksgiving.  And the smells and tunes of Christmas....

May peace be with you all. 

This Mama Lisa
Birdie Number Two

Not shit, but in order.  LOLZ

So thankful for my best friend right here.  I love you Bill.  Thank you for standing by my side, always.

Happy Birthday Nikki Hammond!  Love and miss you, you beautiful girl.......xoxo

I Dream Of Rain

Have you ever heard the song "Desert Rose" by Sting?  

Part of the tune says "I dream of rain"---

Well, it came true.

We snuck away to our safe cave.  To a cave we know so well and love so much but ration the visits because of workschmerk.  Between all the things life hands us...you know the scenario...
Health. Responsibility. Work. Responsibility. Work. ---(me hovering over kids lolz)

 The wheel just doesn't stop. Fortunately, we ARE able to work.

We knew going into summer things indefinitely looked very different.  For various reasons we just knew. 

But we forged forward.  Of course I belly-ached and whined here and there.We both take the funny phone calls and texts' from friends up there having a good time rubbing into our faces.  We'd be on the couch with a leg up on ice.  Or even better he'd watch me flutter around the birdies.  Work coming in hot most days, with so many things he's juggling.  

We knew we'd step away last week, but we couldn't put a real solid day together.  Last Sunday evening we agreed 
"Lets see how the days go"----

You know those fly's that fly in circles in your living room?
Those little black stupid ones that go round and round and you try to get them out, but it's nearly impossible, and so you just deal with it, and then miraculously gone the next morning?

That's how I've been feeling.  Like the madness just doesn't stop.

One big fucking triangle chasing nothing.
My anxiety can climb thru the roof some days.

Getting away surely helps...tis is true for most of us, right?
Duh. lol

 (Cheesiest smile pictured ^ )

We spent those days watching a massive monsoon blow through. The song by Sting playing with the words, I dream of rain....all along I thought...this is beautiful...THIS is rain....A rain came down like I've never seen there before. B.E.A.U.T.I.F.U.L.
We boated in shady questionable but kinda trusty weather.  We biked (with nerdy helmets as Kali calls it-it's okay Kali, safety first kid).  We laughed.  I cried (whats new-but look at me kids, some tears are happy tears, like staring at good labs, or hearing how a doctor visit finished up- or watching a video of our daughter walking the streets in a raincoat in Italy with her roomies, or when a dragon-fly landed on my arm in a cove and I thought, is that you Jeff?
Are you letting us know everything is okay Jeff?

(Big Stick Empty Cup, If You Know, You Know #Havasusprings)

We ate way too much...and eh um, drank too much one night (hello skinny dippers-best feeling in the summer warm pool at midnight world-hallelujuh).  We slept in. (til 7am).  We watched TV (hello I was obsessed with the hurricane) I cooked, I cleaned, I washed all the linens. 

And I just relaxed!

And we caught this.....

An hour later a storm would hit.  Thunder loud and hard enough to make the wood kreak.  (is that a word..kreak?lol)

 For a moment the "little black fly" stopped buzzing in circles. 

All was okay.... Together.  Sorting.  Loving.  Laughing(hard). Cleaning. Staring.  Smiling.  Clinking glasses. 

Those recharges are sure amazing......

And now it's back to the grind.  Werk werk werk.  

Listen to this beautiful song by Sting.  

Desert Rose

I hope your week is filled with love, good food, and nice people....

Put on a good Sting CD, and let it take you away....

Stay Strong Renee, Jen and Kris....

May you gain strength, and peace each day...

Lisa Lynn

PS-  Happy 19th Month KRISTOPHER!  

Ten Days

Ten days ago we pulled into the airport with a feeling that I'd never experienced or felt before. 

I was at peace.  I was at peace knowing that all the prep work that goes into getting someone prepared to study abroad and travel to unknown parts of the world, was finally happening.  This girl worked so hard behind the scenes for what she pointed her heart towards.  

The Wednesday before leaving we'd finally have a toss of words.  Things getting lost in translation, or in her eyes "my mothering and hovering" was taking its toll.  She politely reminded me that she was a big girl.  That she knows she'll stumble, and things will happen.  She reminded me that there will be fears. And tears. She reminded me that I raised a good girl. A strong girl. She reminded me she set her compass in a direction to "try new things"  and to explore this world.  To live this life we'd given her.  Through tears we shared words.  Deep deep words.  I was bawling of course, and if you know Kali, she DOES NOT cry.  But our tears needed to fall. She needed to share these words with her mama. Words of praise, and words of acceptance. It all started with her "not needing me" to go with her to the doctors days before she'd leave.  Something I stumbled hard on.  I mean, I'm mom.  WHY? Still chartering waters with Kris. Still feeling like a warrior of the mom world.  What do you mean you don't need me Kali?

Lessons.  For me. 

Her words to me were "you've raised an adult mom"-  Although she thanked me, she felt the need the gently let go of my hand.  That everything is gonna be okay.....

-----TO. LET. GO.

And to be proud.  

  

I am beyond proud of you Kali......(she worked all summer as a nanny, making the dough she'll spend traveling all through Europe.  Germany included!) 

Bill and I both bought her simple meaningful gifts for her departure.  From me, a book: 

My Prudent Advice: Lessons For My Daughter- 

I wrote little notes on some pages that meant something to me. To us.  To her. On the back page I also wrote a note to hopefully HER daughter someday.  (Thank you Auntie Lynda for your lunch day with her, I would've never knew about this book otherwise.  Your advice, your love, your words of wisdom will stick with her forever.  And ever.)

Bill picked out a cute Kate Spade bracelet that says "Stop And Smell The Roses" engraved along the inside. 

We grabbed her few things in the back seat (Her backpack, her purse) and then opened the trunk to grab her luggage.  The luggage she was determined to not go over 50lbs.  

Guys, I can't believe how determined, and thoughtful she was in packing.  Adding in one thing, taking out another.  After our long talk that Wednesday before, I politely and kindly observed from a distance.  Always offering her compliments. Always truly impressed on how well she handled so....SO many things.

We hugged tight.  First me, then dad, then me, then one more big one.  And a kiss.  Tears, and a pat on her bottom...."Go do this Kali, and enjoy the good things the world has to offer"  Just be aware, and keep alert. 

Bill and I drove off, soon staring at one another at the stoplight with such pride. 

And that's a wrap!  She was off....We actually high-fived....LOL

I had a friend ask what she is studying in Florence...and if you know my silly side, I so badly wanted to reply (well, experience, travel, love, wine, food, culture, life...etc) But the truth in her travels is part for the Business side of her Mass Communication Media Degree.  When her Academic Adviser shared the credits she'll earn towards her degree, she truly took the opportunity mostly for the chance to just study abroad, and live outside our country, tasting and traveling through Europe.  

A story she'll share with her family and kids someday.  As they say, you'll never know unless you try. 

The finances, the journey, the departure from your boyfriend, the culture difference.  The fears of the unknown.  All of it. You won't know unless you try.  And I am so proud to say she made it a goal, and is living it. 

Just days before we lost Jeff.  The whole platform in our nests' were broken.  Shock turned into serious grief.  Grief is turning into reality.  Reality is turning into intense frustration trying to keep his business flowing.   The list goes on and on.  Kris has stepped up for the family.  He was so close to Jeff. My heart aches the most for those left in the rubble.  Renee picking up her shattered heart.  Jen trying to be there for mama, yet her heart is crumbled all over the floor.  And the list goes on and on. 

We're learning when to chat with Kali. When we're sleeping she's in class.  When we're having dinner she's sleeping.  We've face-timed, we text daily.  I find myself boasting about her more often than not.  It's just rad. 

The night she left, as I was pulling the comforter back I found this-

The giraffe friend that used to sit along top of her bassinet.  He's always held a sweet spot in our hearts.  A note and this Disneyland pin that became a rolling joke all summer.  For months we'd tuck it in awkward spots for the next one to find.  I'd find it in my shoes, and then I'd stash it somewhere for her to find. At one point attaching to her toothbrush. It went on and on.  

Tag, I'm it.  

And that's the first ten days.  I've got plenty more pictures, and will share more as we go.  If you follow her on social media, you can see she's quite content. 

I hope you all are doing okay.  Can't say it enough, we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Say sorry.  Hug tighter.  Love deeply. Through pain, and hurtful words you might wake up tomorrow with a phone call or scene you'd never want to hear, or relive. 

Ciao

This Mama Lisa

Jeff-Man

Your smile, your hugs, and most always your fun witty comments.  You'd make a smacking sound with your lips before commenting, or greeting us. A sound and smile I'll always miss. 

The weekend we really got to know one another was in Havasu.  The next morning after they arrived I'd be handing them a large post card to hold for a video.  A video we'd share with the world that a  donor had been found for Kris.   

THANKSgiving Weekend 2015

(this video gets me every single time- BEAUTIFUL all together!)

I remember the mornings coming out to your smile at the counter. Smiling and offering sweet conversations with whomever was awake with you.  Most always you and "Kris-Man" as you called him.  You took us to breakfast that one morning and covered the bill for my entire family.  

We'd tack that delicious breakfast as one of our best in Havasu. Not because of the monetary, but because we were all together. My sister and niece included.  

The way you talked, and sometimes carried a witty demeanor with words.  You always always offered a hug right back, and a smile that would light up a room.  

When my son spoke of you it was ALWAYS, ALWAYS with the highest regards.  Most importantly the very first time you all took a road trip in your new Audi, and you hauled ass around the mountain sides up to Ojai.  

The way you opened your heart to Kris during his sickest days.

In fact, Saturday morning when Bill slowly explained how you left here, it felt as though the wind was knocked out of me. It's just not real. 

I'm sure you didn't know you'd leave like this.  I had a picture printed for you.  One that Kris really knew you loved.  One that arrived on Wed, and I gave to Kris on Thursday.  He wanted to give it to you Friday night, but opted for Saturday.  It was too late.  

I've always wondered if people can see down from the Heavens. 

Here's the picture you loved Jeff. 

Look at you. 

Panama 2017 as you watched your son marry your daughter-in-law. 

Look at the islands behind you.

Look at how good you look Jeff-Man. 

Look at you......

You left here.  The plans we choose aren't always the plans everyone else chooses.

You left a legacy of YOU here "Jeff-Man". 

One that I will say offered a good, kind soul to myself.  Bill. Kali. My sister, and my niece. 

Most importantly you loved my son.  

Going through pictures the last couple of days have been silently brutal.  

Finding the one we took at Jen's Fitness competition.  You stared at your baby girl with sincere amazement.

But not after laughing with us in the audience of the teeny underwear cartoon looking guy fitness dudes up there.  That funny witty side we'd all adore about you.  Not making fun, but kinda poking fun, if you will. 

Jeff.  I hope you are at peace.  Your heart is resting. 

I'll take with me the many funny memories I have of you. 

But my last one was you walking home after concert at the bay on Kris' birthday.  You'd danced on the grass with your beautiful wife.  Swaying to Motown disco while staring at your bride.  Taking in the warm ocean air.  In a town you'd finish raising your kids.  Belmont Shore. 

I watched you walk away towards home barefoot.   LOVE----

All along thinking to myself...how bad ass is that....Jeff-Man, handsome, loving, witty, strong and true.  71 years young.  Walking home with his little family.  Barefoot. 

See you when we see you Jeff-Man....

We'll take care of things around here....I promise you that.

All my love. 

And a reminder to tell those you love, that you do.

Today.

Lisa

A Day Alone.

Bill worked worked Saturday.

I didn't.

(Kris' 28th Birthday Concert By The Bay 8/17/17)

Your friend Lisa was an emotional wreck last week with all the final check-lists' of things to get done for Kali's departure. A departure I emotionally put on the back burner for months. *Disclaimer: I'm still in unstable mode, yet so proud of her. Actually, I shoved it in the oven out of sight...for months.  I had to pull out my ever so popular pad of paper old skool style and start checking off the list.

1.) Daughter leaving for 4 months across the pond. Rule number one. Don't freak the F out.
She leaves next Monday.

Sending something via UPS or FedEx isn't really in my agenda.  And so you know....check-lists are everything. So is studying abroad and losing the chance to have mama ship something overnight. 
Or even in a few days. 

Not to mention the changes of banking (to eliminate all the extra fee's) - Checking with our phone carrier, and all final agreements with her school in Florence.  Ordering and picking up Euro's.

This is the minor to the major things that cross my mind.  Remember who THIS mama is. 

She cray cray-  

All nod in favor-------  >  elllllooooellllll

Most of my check-list at the time seemed pretty minor but at  2-3am last week, and I am quite sure this week....they climb up my soul and tackle my central nervous system like a bee in a hive.  

Saturday.

I had time.

To sort.

Alone. 

 I didn't realize how beautiful my Saturday morning was until I was covering each and every flower I grow with water and vitamins. Sipping my Organic Beet Street Juice as the birds chirped above me in sync.  True bliss I tell ya.

Things shifted quickly when I realized I needed to make one dreaded errand stop.

The mall.

I loathe the mall.

 I would rather wash my cat, or walk with wet feet in rain boots.  Or long wet jeans through  grass. I.HATE.THE.MALL.

So after navigating through each and every damn sales person trying to sell me "Gold Face Lotion". 

 I just nervously walked and checked my phone like a had a call *lame I know*. I'm a freak.
Don't worry, I know this. 

The mall sucks. Sorry not sorry.

 I returned a bathing suit I bought(looked so cute online at PacSun).  I did manage to float through Forever 21 but managed to scadoodle right back out because the music was too loud.
LOL!!!!!!
And I love their accessories, necklaces, and earrings.
Like. LOVE them. But....

I kept a move on.  Rolling through like a steam roller...to the safety of my car. 

My afternoon just got better.  Still alone.  And still happy.

Soon my lover arrived home with a car full of all the household chore riddled things we need.

Like SALT for the softener.  Breakfast for the breakfast. Wine for the wino.  jk.

But....we had a bike ride plan in place....

A plan that was so good with me. 

  

(I love you Bill)

Almost too good with me.

Too much wine.

Haven't tied one on like that in a very very long time.

Was so well enjoyed though...

Life....it sure has a way of catchin up with you.  

Or in my case, I stash it away..pull it out at 2:30am, then stash it away....
and then....boom.

The next morning Kris would send a text asking what I was up to. 

Wanting to come by and just hang out...

They were in Vegas doing birthday things, (or so I thought) They were actually picking up a new pup.

In walked this.  In Kris' arms.

World, meet "Skipper"
Happy Birthday Kris, from Jen xo

Well played Bub...well played.

.  4 puppers and 2 humans. Two big, two littles. 

If you ask Buckie-Boy what he thinks about this...

Skipper reminds me of Toby...our childhood dog. aka our only little brother....

How was your weekend?

Any mall grindin'?  Wine sippin? Bike ridin'?

Whatever you did, I hope it made YOUR heart full.

This Mama Lisa