Truth

For the last few months Bill and I have worked every ounce of our souls at work.  Switching hats, juggling through all we need to for survival.  It really seems it's been that way for years.  But for me, these last 6 months have been extra brutal.  Mix in my case of frantic worry about everything-under-the-sun, and you had a girl that needed a breather last week. I took Friday off. 

My sons birthday. 

My grand plans were to sleep in (sleeping in for me is 7am)- Get up at my leisure, in jammies, maybe read a little, clean and organize, and have lunch with my girl and Shelley. I was woken by our asshole neighbors dog whom cried for 2 hours straight after she left (why do people get dogs if they work full time #selfish).  I've tossed treats to her before, simply because my belief in being angry at the dog is useless.  Just another notch on my list of humans I can't stand.  #selfish. #jerks

I received news that Jonathan (whom we were in transplant together, I felt extra close to him) had passed the day before.   You guys.  

I went from tilting the pinball in my soul, to pure sulking, laid back down in my bed and just bawled my eyes out. 

The morning went on like this. 

All. Day. Long. 

I could not stop crying. 

I wore no makeup. 

I always ask God to show me signs that he's out there watching over me.  That he knows my fears.

That he gets my sadness.  That whatever is to be, is just gonna be. 

And yet.

I could not stop.

The weekend is over.  My Sunday was filled with cooking.  A dinner shared with Kali and Grant.

Lunches stacked for Bill and I all week. 

The love in my heart still full. 

And a reminder of this quote I actually have hanging in my home. 

Because really, we have no control.

The only control we have, is how we deal with what's dealt.

And so, one minute I am in hysteria.  Broken for Jon's mama. 

Broken because I hate cancer.

Broken because Jon was SO optimistic to live. 

He truly believed he was going to be healed.  He just knew it. 

And then hours later you have dinner sitting across from your 29 year old son. 

Blowing out candles and preparing to embark on a quick weekend trip with his girlfriend.

And then life looks breathtakingly beautiful.....again.

Even when you still can't shake the sadness that crawls up your back.

Pictured here is your friend Lisa sandwiched between the love of her life, and her best friend on the way back from a show Bill worked-

One word. #Beerfest

Two words #laugh hard 

Zacky, if and when you read this:  I am proud of you.  I am proud that you are taking the leap of change.  To move to a new state.  To try NEW things, even though I am quite sure you're scared.

Go smile at the stranger there and make new friends.  If you're nervous, remember you can get through it.  If you're angry, sleep on it. If you're lost...keep asking.  And don't stop until it's clear.

Take care of you.  You matter.

We love you.

I hope you all have a good week.  

This Mama Lisa- aka CRYBABYYYY