Pulling Up Together.

I can remember back to the elementary school days where I'd get Kali ready to drive off to the "first day" of school.  Always the mystery of what the scoop was on the teacher. (Kali's biggest concern) Was she nice? Strict?  Mostly rumors from the year before.  The jitters in full swing. I can only remember one teacher she was not too stoked about.  It was the gritty look she'd give to those that misbehaved (Kali's words).  That look surely made Kali fretful.  As a matter of fact, when I come across that school year picture (3rd Grade) I remember her name, and most of all, just how scared Kali was of her. She looks nice to me, but in Kali's 3rd grade opinion....just not so. 

I'll spare the name for any that may know her.  lol

We'd go from AYSO teams, Spring Select, Club, and high school teams, to various events (Camp Fire Girls-BMX racing), and she'd go through the car ride jitters on the very first day of them all.  I'd assure her as we pulled up that "Every little thing is gonna be alright"-  That the first moment of meeting teachers, coaches, colleagues, and other new humans in general is just awkward.

But ---  "It's gonna be alright"......

Camp Fire Girls-  Caroling at Christmas Time -  Cuties!

She'd step out of the car each and every time with an empty tummy- Because who eats on the first day.  lol

And who eats before a new practice with a new team. 

The car rides there were always a tad bit quiet.  Sometimes we'd have to stop for a potty break. 

The first weeks away in college.  Texting or calling me with every ounce wanting to come back home.

Until she joined her sorority, made new friends and moved on in this life. 

#thewayitgoes  #nomoremama

Today she's at a new job.  In a new city.  In a new environment.  

  

I tossed and turned last night like a burrito getting rolled up.  The same ol' bullshit.  Mind racing from all the things a woman worries about.  Some probably relentless and useless.  While, the others quirk my soul from years of wisdom and hard work.  Mostly, the genuine form of just being that..A woman.  A mother.  Most importantly a mother.  

Toothless = Priceless = LOVE

Silly me, texted her to make sure she made it.  Second, reminding her to take notes.  Hoping she remembered the snacks she made.

Motherhood. 

You've worked hard for where you will go.  Don't look back.  And if this isn't fit for you, well, keep searching. And, DO. NOT. STOP.
#studentloans  

Kris and I made it through the concrete jungle of Hollywood yesterday afternoon.  A sick dude, albeit always a bit anxious, we made it to and from.  Not sure how any of the people that commute (Hey Rox) do it each and every day. Guilty of making a couple crazy u-turns, we were outta there by 5:45.  He guided me with Wayz (saying that right?) it's some app that gets you home the quickest way.  He's got a queasy stomach, I had to pee, was starving and just over all exhausted from working early and putting on my momcologist-ask-all-the-questions-hat/parking structures/traffic/labs/nerves.

Labs look good, he's lost more weight.  Knee shows bone spurs.  We opened a new can finding he's got something goin' on in the downtown-julie-brown-butty-area.  Inside, not the outside as we thought.  And for the record, don't google the words the doctor gives you when you get home because you will fall down a slippery slope real quick and the good ol' soul just don't need that right now.

Scheduled with surgery consult this afternoon.  Tumor(s) growing on the inside, so a scope and biopsy will rule out the deal. 

At one point on the way home last night he said I was "acting a little spicy and angry"-  

Really, I was driving like an asshole.  And I don't drive like an asshole.  

But just the same ol' same ol'. I'm tired.

I'm tired of seeing him sick. I'm tired of fighting for answers. I fucking hate cancer.  I wish he wasn't dealt this fucked up card.  I wish he could just go live and go on planes, and cruises, and get back to fishing and diving.  

I wish I didn't lose my cool on him when he hocked a big ol loogey out the window or in the bag in my car.  I wish I didn't have to carry a tray full of alllll the meds. I wish we didn't have a puke bag. 

I wish I wasn't on fever watch. I wish I could just watch him live happy. 

Grateful for transplant, ungrateful for my attitude as we continue to navigate through.

Wow. Vent over.

We'll wait for more answers.  Just another quest to help him feel better. 

I'll keep praying hard.  Asking for forgiveness because I cuss under my breath way too much.

I'll keep asking God to show me signs, because that's what I really thrive on.

I want to know it really is the TRUTH and the way. Instead of always second questioning it all.

I will pray for Bill.

I will pray for me.

Today, I'll gather with the girls that always tilt me back up.  Sometimes staring at me laughing across the table as I sip wine. Sometimes they watch me vent with sadness.
Sometimes their advice is what helps me believe.

It's already midweek....

To all of you out there pushing through.  Don't stop.

And never EVER stop looking for the answers you are in search of. 

They matter. 

None of us asked to be placed on this Earth.  And if you're handed the role of Motherhood, I guess you better buck up and be ready. 

#shesgonnakillme

Yours forever,

Even when we're not pulling up together anymore.

Be strong.

Get it done. 

Love hard.  Because sometimes, that's all we have.

LOVE.

This Mama Lisa