Setting Myself Up.

Hey lovers...

Did you all have a wonderful, snow riddled, beach runnin' love filled holiday?!
 (those words smirkin' from my mouth with such sarcasm it would make you laugh out the freak loud)

If there's one thing I need to remind myself year after year is to not get so hyped up at Christmas.  Here I preach all November and December and yet I still fall "sucker" to the rhythm of my own sermon. 

One of the things about motherhood I find is that we tend to sprinkle perfection around like it's fucking confetti.  (speaking for myself, so don't roll your eyes if you're that laid back type-LUCKY YOU) So when all that said confetti has finally touched the ground and you look around at those you love so much and wonder if all the confetti is even worth it.  I truly think it is, but for some reason on Christmas I find the confetti is more or less just too much.
Because deep down, I always end the mid morning with feelings of "was it enough"-

It actually sparked a conversation with Kali Christmas night...
The guilt of trying to run around for others, when the mere purpose of Christmas is to gather for love.
Whether you believe in Jesus or not, it's a celebration of life.
On a sacred day.
Should we pick two gifts and place tradition in front with simple things?  So then maybe the hype of the perfect "everything" isn't placed on the front lines---

The thing for us is tradition.  BUT the only traditions we (I) do is breakfast on Christmas morning.
The other is our tree laced with all the sentimental goodies a family collects in the 28 years you nest.  

This Christmas was different. 

Our family in general leads one of the most un-traditional living and family situations.

NOT to say we aren't all madly in love, because let me tell you kids...

The love in our blood runs thicker than it's ever ran before. 

Trust me when I say this...

  

  However, somehow I failed in the other departments. 

This Christmas-

We had no tree this year.  We had NO traditional tree this year.  The tree I normally decorate with the kids baby things- zilch.   I have an enormous amount of sentimental "things" for our tree. 
What I totally didn't realize was just how much it means to our daughter.

*Disclaimer: The gifts laid on the floor next to a surfboard.  I know, roll your eyes.

The untraditional feeling soaking deep into our daughters soul. 
Although we moved through the morning as normal with breakfast.
Kris, Jen and the pups arriving to open and eat...
The feelings were bubbling around in Kali's heart.

And trust me, I get it. 

Life got in the way.  Things got in the way.  Work. Life. Sickness. Distance. Italy.  Returns. Fluffing a house for that said return.

Money. Work.  Driving home in the dark. Cold. Warm weather. Love. Sadness. Depression. Hangovers. 

Friends.
Fatigue.

I think the expectations we set for the home, are totally 100% the guidance of the mom.
I hail praises to the men in this world that are raising kids.

I tried to talk myself off the Grinch ledge Christmas night.  I think setting myself up for disappointment happens quite a bit.  I tend to expect things to go one way, and yet the shift of tides go the other way. 

Hearing the small little things like a Christmas tree (duh lisa) and all the little things a mom sprinkles around for her family actually mean something will make my steps matter next year. 

Maybe I'll take the time off I need.  Maybe life will be easier for my son, and my two girls. 

Maybe things will turn around for all of us. 

(This picture takes me back to the most perfect New Years Day in 2014 in Catalina with the 6 pack on America Jane....pure bliss.....)

Maybe 2018, will be a better perspective for me. Maybe I'll sort through what really matters.  Stepping back from unnecessary things. I pray 2018 will bring good health.  Better perspective in tradition. And what tradition actually means.  The simple things versus the consumerism part of things.  Not only for myself, but for those I serve and love so tightly. 

Let's pray that prayer does work.  Because I still find myself questioning things. Very guilty of leaning on prayer when I'm begging for mercy and help for my son.

Maybe I'll learn to help a daughter understand what it really takes to run a home.  To fill all the crevices that moms fill. From meals, to life changing decisions, to Christmas trees.
Maybe she'll pick up the damn tree next year. 
Kidding.
Kinda.  

I hope we stay able. Feeling the hunger in life for humanity versus throwing material confetti in the air just because society tells us we need to.
Because when that shit finally hits the ground, it's still just confetti. #material

Give me health.
Give me healing.
Give me sanity.
Give me a peaceful heart.

Maybe that is what matters.

You feel me homies?

1975

Let me know where to get a good tree next year, k?

k, bye

This Mama Lisa

I love this picture with all of me.  2008--