Twenty One.

Dear Kali,

You're loyal to the core.  You are stubborn but only to a degree.  You tend to become more and more like me with your ocd ways, and yet you've got a new side of yourself that shrugs off petty things better than I ever have.  You were such a screaming cry baby as a newborn, culminating soon into a bucked tooth child, and then quickly a teenager with a mild sense of attitude.  Only snapping at us when we'd run late to a game, or practice.  You rocked through high school like a boss, and navigated your decisions to head off to college like a young adult should.  Sacrificing losing a relationship in the process.  You always lean on me for advice, most always sharing details of shit that is hitting the fan.  I'm always impressed by your means of handling it. You seemed to have turned 2 like yesterday.  It's surreal to say twenty one.

You're a hard working person, with a dedication to education like no other.  It surely must be the reason for your migraines, and heart palpitations during finals season.  You love animals like your brother, but you sure get a kick when they are innocently scared for a quick second and
they jump in the air. Your laugh is out of control.  You loved that wrap up above and would ask for "up-up mama" when you became tired.  I searched for help through Le Leche League when you were a few weeks old because I just could not get the hang of breast feeding.  They wrapped their arms around me teaching me patience, and soft whispers to you to slow down, which helped us both. She also gave me this wrap as a token of love.  I carried you in it every evening during the "screaming hours" until this wrap became a token of comfort to you.  And so as the story goes, I carried you a little too long, yet can't remember the very last time.  We still have this wrap. My hopes for you to carry your babe in it someday is huge. You potty trained yourself just before turning two.  You loved to nurse every evening before bed as you strolled your fingers through my hair.  Those moments I wish I had a video of, because I loved to nurse you. Moments with you I cannot get back.
An ode to this new day in age, where I'm quite sure you'll have videos of your baby nursing. Allowing yourself the chance to peek back.
In time.
Time that moves so so quickly.

You love to dance, and most always have your station set to ghetto rap music. A party is a party when you can dance.  You love heels and dressing up. You've taught me a thing or two about good makeup and bad makeup.  Meaning, that expensive stuff is over-rated.  But I'll watch you learn as you earn money. You are very organized and one of the most punctual persons I know. If someone is making you late, they'd better watch out. 

You tie up a boat better than some dudes.  I

remember once as a little 7 year old, you tied up the boat and amazed all those around us.  Launching and pullin the boat out is another story for another day, but we're working on that lol. 

The other night you and I slept in the same bed and I woke quite a few times, staring across at you in the dim lit room.  It took me back to your little girl days when you'd sleep with me.  Your dark hair lining your forehead. The way you slept was exactly the same.

I kept the vision with me all morning.

You're not a huggy huggy type of person, but if someone is in need, you'll drop everything to make them feel better.  You love healthy eating, yet will indulge every once in a while on something totally sinful.  You've always been strong, but when you're mad, you cry. Otherwise you are not a crier.  You don't like awkward conversations with me.  You especially hate to see me cry. When it comes to love or relationship stuff you tend to cut it pretty short.  Giving me what I need to know, but you'll shut me down if I probe too much.  Your brother is the complete opposite. Go figure you'd think the girl would indulge more. 

You have a desire for manners, just like your brother. You've been insulted quite a few times as you serve the public.  Pleases and thank you's are huge for you.  Along with general kindness.  I feel you so much on this.  Which is my general need to always
offer kindness. 

There have been times when I'm too outspoken and will stand up and talk the shit when and and where needed to get stuff done.  You become overwhelmed and will try to stop me. All in good timing you'll grow a back bone that will most likely offer you the same spirit.  Life lessons will toughen you up some day. Sadly, it's true.

My prayer for you is safety, good health, and a love for your family as ours.  As well as your strength and love to build them too. I pray I see you birth a child someday, along with feeling the love from a child.  To feel a baby inside of you is an honor as a woman.  I pray you feel it. 

You're a strong woman with good morals and values, and I wish the best of this life.  You'll climb mountains you never knew you could.  You'll be handed news that you'd never want to hear, and yet listen to mama, you WILL GET THROUGH.

You'll go through friendships and learn that not everyone is cut out for you.  As the same for them. You might not be everyone's cup of tea.  And that's okay.  Because friends are endless.  You just keep sorting through to the ones meant for you.

There's so many things I want to remember in your life.  Of the twenty one years you've been here.  And yet, I can't remember the very last time I held you.  Or the last spoonful of baby food. Or the last nurse. Or the last time we held hands in public.

I guess life is just that way.  You'll absorb just what is needed, and your heart fills with those memories for that purpose.  And then you'll forget the bad moments. Like terrible car rides on the way to school where I yelled at you.  Or drove away after saying rude comments to one another.

When you asked to head to Vegas for your twenty first birthday, my first thought was ew.  The smoky town, the hustle and bustle of gambling people.  All of those things of which I don't like.  But then I thought, this isn't about me. This isn't about what I want. This is what she wants.  And just like all the other life lessons, you'll make your own story and views of that town.

In this big life, you'll most definitely lean back towards mom some how and some way as you navigate.  It's just the inevitable. You might remember our good times, and sometimes you'll remember the hard times.  When I found out I was having a girl, the first thing that came to my mind was a friend I will have forever.

I will never crush you.  I will never betray you.  I will never stop fighting for you.  With whatever you choose.  These last twenty one years have been just that.

 Kailyn, I hope I am here with you on this Earth for many many more years.  I hope I get to experience all the goodness it hands you.  I hope I'm here for the hard ones too, because if there's one person that roams this Earth, whom is willing, it's me.

I raise my glass to you sweet twenty one year old:  To new dreams, old dreams, and all the little dreams I don't even know are there. I hope you dance, as the song says I dedicated to you at Kindergarten graduation. I hope you find beauty in messes.  And sunshine on the cloudy days.

Remember one thing. YOU are worth it all.

To me, you'll always be my little girl.

Or birdie.

Whichever sounds good at the time.

I love you Kali.  Happy 21 years on this Earth!

May God protect you from now, until forever.

This mama of yours forever.

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Disclaimer:  It is with heartfelt sadness that I let you know I wrote this blog to Kali a few weeks ago.  Within that time their biological father left this Earth on Sunday. A day before her birthday.  Something I knew but waited to tell her the day after.  Serving her brunch cowardly holding it in. Again, the protection mode us mama birds fall in front of.  It's a story that is deep and hard. It's a story that isn't really mine to share, because it's his and theirs.  They say when people are here we should give eulogies and share the good things we feel about them, trying to forget the hard troubled times.  And I'll do just that.  He gave me two beautiful souls and humans.  He loved them so much, yet battled a war inside on his terms.  And sometimes not on his terms.  At the end, it wasn't on his terms. 

I've had a very full plate this week.   For those that have left messages, texts', emails and love, I thank you.  I've tucked away like a little clam again.  Handling what I need to, and sorting to the side what I want to. 

I'm not avoiding anyone, I just don't feel any desire to share more of his story.  Right now I'm giving him the dignity I promised him I would.  Handling the delicate parts of leaving this earth for his wife, whom he worried the most about upon his flight out of here.

And that I will do.

We're mourning.  

Spread love, share kindness and learn to forgive.  Because all of the sudden, you can't call them anymore.  For anything.  Even words of forgiveness.  Or sorry.  

May peace be with you. 

Especially you Mike.  Especially you. You deserve to be free....fly fly up up and away...

I promise, as I told you in those last weeks, Bill and I will take loving good care of our birdies...

Be free. 

This Mama Lisa