On Grace

Hey friends....

I've had such bad writers block lately. So much so, I wonder if my blogging career is slowly coming to an end.  What started out as a journal for my kids back in 2008 slowly turned into a diary of our lives. What's so interesting is to go back and read.  The different running themes of our lives.  The chapters of good times, and the chapters of bad times.  There's blog posts where life seems so full of goodness.  So full of silly.  So full of happiness.  And then I'll read another post where shit hits the fan splattering it all over. 

  

(December 2013 before shit hit the fan-LOL)

 The last few weeks have been so beyond interesting.  It's been equally enlightening too.  The unfamiliar territory of working here without my partner, along with the uncharted waters at night handling all the little things we've both handled individually for years.  We all take for granted just how easy a shower is. How dressing oneself with 60 staples covered under your brace.  How the pain of just getting from point A to point B is really real.  How administering a shot to his belly each day became so mundane. 

 I will be a happy lady if I NEVER have to stare at a Kaiser hospital room again.  Seriously. 

Our first outing this weekend.  Dave's place in Seal Beach.  Glass of Guinness for mama. 

Crawling into bed in another room because I can't risk bumping that leg.  Everything is just so so different.  I guess I was right in the suggestion to never take a day, or thing for granted.  You just can't.  What seems just like a gnarly broken bone has simply flipped our little world upside down.  Although I have to say, we've always held on tight to one another. So no stopping us there.  We laugh through the storms.  Shit storms and all. I've barked. He's politely barked (LOL-don't bite the hand that feeds you?) jk-  

He's had visits from people he hasn't seen in a few years.  Old friends stopping by to give love, and Cheezit's for me because I LOVE Cheezits, so thank you very much Duane.  

His brother came down and spent the day with him.  His sister came twice with meals. His aunt Sharon brought us the most amazing mexican lasagna. 

I've had more sweet messages from friends. Messages from family.  And most important, messages from Bill as I work.  I have to say, it's awfully strange without him at the office.  Not that it matters, but adding a few more hats to my head have been a little interesting.  Toss in shark week, and the Earth shook a little last week.  BUT.... I held it together.  I may have eaten everything in sight, but I held it together.  

So there you have it kids, no new news, but no old news.  We're here.  Headed back to doctor tmrw. We have a list of questions.  A list of what's next.  A list of concerns, as well as my list of suggestions. One birdie is settling in with finals, and experienced her first human violation of having her car broken into.  Having all her tip money (hard earned money) stolen from her car yesterday.  A car that wasn't locked.  Parked in front of a her "nice" house, in a very nice neighborhood. (QUOTED FROM KALI SEPT 2016-Mom, don't stress on us locking our front door of our house, we live in a really nice neighborhood, and like, we just don't get all stressed and freaked out like you do). 

Her words to me yesterday very early morning were the exact opposite.  The "mom and dad" words we all tend to eventually eat in this life right? The words our parents share with us, and yet, at the time they don't make sense.  Or actually even matter.  And so with experience, you learn.  

The hard way.

  

I held my compassionate tone, yet mixed it with a sprinkle of "I told you so".

Sorry, not sorry. 

Our other birdies are in Panama enjoying a much needed far-away vacation.  Living a life they've worked hard for, or if I'm keeping things real here, have deserved after fighting to stay alive.  

Life keeps moving.  In directions we don't necessarily expect, yet continue to surprise ourselves with strength and endurance we'd never know possible.  

We continue to love hard, when at times we'd want to crumble.  There have been a few times in the last couple of days where I drew my breath in, and let it out as tears welled up.  Reminding myself that this is temporary.  The small things that feel like big things will pass.  Some people out in this world that have it way worse. 

Over the last year of mine where some months seem to have been longer than others.  While others were spent laying next to the pool, sipping a blended margarita at noon on my birthday.  Reading all the messages filled with love.  I was treated to a wonderful massage that morning from Bill.  Handing me all the love and peace to rest my soul.  Not knowing what would unfold within weeks. I can remember staring out at the lake and thinking, "wow, soak this up Lisa, soak it up".

I still pray day and night. I pray for my kids.  I pray for work, and life. I pray for safety and good answers.  I pray for my sons next doctor visit next week.  Where I'll sway my soul back into labs, and back into answers for meds.  Weaning, moving and changing. 

Kali has decided her path will take her to Italy in August.  Weaning herself for a few short months away to experience what life and this Mother Earth has to offer.  Leaving love for a semester. Separating herself from normalcy.  To experience change.  To celebrate her good grades, and the chance her parents allowed.  To miss the one she loves so she can come back with a fuller heart.  It's truly and purely a sacrifice.  Love will always outweigh distance.  Distance will always bring love closer.  Experience and travel can never be taken away from you.  As the same for education. Your degree and experience cannot be taken away. 

“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.” – St. Augustine

My dude and I will make changes to get back into the life we work so hard for.  That will include boating.  Even if I have to lift weights to help him get back in that drivers seat. I'll drop that boat in the water and back that trailer to where ever I need to.  But we will be back out.  We'll sit pool side and watch the sun set, because we work our asses off to do so.  We'll celebrate 90 years of Gaylord this month.  He'll be 90 you guys.  Just when you think he's slowing down, he'll perk up with words of the wise and pop off with another funny witty story. The first day after Bill's surgery he'd ask for his caretaker to drive him out to see his son.  Perking up when Bill called him. I could hear his voice on the other end.  A sense of relief.   We'll also celebrate 21 years of Kali. Twenty one. Wild. 

(Lunch yesterday with high school best friend Alfred and his wife Lena and Gaylord!)

The other night after tucking Bill away for the night I stood staring at a picture of us on the tv counter thing and I thought, what in the world would I do without him.  He's been my partner in all the moments. My laughter partner, and my shoulder.  He's been the strong one in the storm.  Just when I couldn't stand up anymore, he'd catch me.  Now this time it's me to do the caretaking.  And each night he hugs me with pure gratitude.  Staring at me in the face with words of thankfulness.  It's hard to say "you're welcome" because it's who I am. It truly is.  

Today, I'll be thankful for Grace.  I'll be thankful for friends. And most especially family.

To my parents that check in more so than ever.  To girlfriends that still hold the candle up for us. 

Friends that send silly messages on the weekend because they just know we're tormented by sitting on the couch.  Glad you all made it to Desert Storm and back home safely.  

Sometimes life plays us the violin and sometimes life plays the drums.  This week, I'll hope for some good drums.  Or maybe some good soul soothin' reggae.  

Be strong, and be smart. Don't ever give up.

Your love, your kindness, and your time will forever be instilled in my heart.

This Mama Lisa