Let Go Of The Wheel

For the last few months I've prayed so hard,...all day.  Keeping in mind of each blessing I've been given.  My son a front runner in the game.  The rest falls shortly behind him. 

The good days always shine brighter and better than the bad days.

Last week grabbed me by my shoulders and shook me, it was everything under our beautiful sun or clouds if you're in southern cali...to not lose my shit.

Handling a loved ones cremains, and settling all the necessary paperwork proved to be a tad more taxing on my soul than I would have ever imagined.  Filling in the names, dates, etc. was surreal. Taking the phone call that his remains were ready for pick up, literally made me sick to my stomach.
Imagine.
Dust.

At one point, I thought, oh my word, I can't ever call Mike again to ask a question I was in search for.   I could never call him again to ask something that might pertain to genetics.  To life.  To planning. To apologize. To sort.  To help.  To laugh.  To cry.

{Do your family a favor, and make all the arrangements necessary now.}

I promised him in those last weeks if he needed to let go of the rope and fly away that I would help his wife.  To not worry.  That I'd follow his wishes with the dignity he truly deserves.

It is just what I will do.

It took a bigger stab to my heart than I expected.

My handsome birdie was scoped yet one more time to check for GVHD. We can't seem to get a solid grip as to why he pukes daily.  My heart says its the chemo, while my gut always says double check and rule out what could be.  And so we did. Conquering the hospital vibe like a grain of salt.

Smiling at one another when the circumstance calls for it.

Once he's put out, the journey switches up a bit, and I'm left on my own for a bit to pray, and seek answers.  Always always grateful to our doctors and nurses. Even the one nurse that gives me stink eye, it's okay little miss prancy-fance, who doesn't want me in there while they do paperwork and IV, I get it, you've never understood the concept of
"Be kind you never know what someone is going through"-
And my little birdie looks blissful here, yes he was.
But...he was also blasting some flatulent's silently and very toxic too---

We went from celebrating our 21 year old by throwing a brunch, to the next day celebrating this handsome fellers 90th!

 (and yes we took pictures, but mine doesn't do him the justice he deserves, so here's him years back ) He's still so dang handsome. And witty!

And then I slid down the rabbit hole of crazy, and clammed up like a clam, and by weeks end, I did everything in my power to not cry the day and nights away.  I did have a nice lunch with my bestie, and an even sweeter dinner with my cousin and little cousin...

So many times I'd hear that silly song by Carrie Underwood about Jesus take the wheel...and I used to chuckle.  

Like, say what?! Plus I made a vow to not get too preachy reachy with the world, because you know, we all make our own decisions.  Not to mention, I often find myself begging for signs, or answers from God.  Because, yes I'm human and yes I still  question things.  Like why do people still suffer.  Among a few other manic thoughts I seem to ramble across. 

Truth being spoken, it's who I am.

But, let me just say.....there are more moments in my life lately that are game changers. Moments I quietly ask for mercy. Moments I wonder why do I keep being handed shit on a platter.  

 Maybe God believes I am the soldier He needs.

Maybe, just maybe my purpose is to love and give and do and make this place a better place.
Who knows.

And as I told a friend the other day.... I will never put down my warrior stick.  Because of my birdies. 

Therefore....I'll let go of the wheel and let God take it.  Or Jesus. 

Or whomever is willing at this point.  LOL-  Someone grab the wheel!  HAHAHA!

Now would be a good time to ease up off the debbie the downer vibe and give a huge shout out to my dad, whom does not follow my blog, but IT'S HIS BIRTHDAY! 

Speaking of sappy, I wrote his birthday card last week when the sap was melting off my body like an old maple tree, and the tears wouldn't stop falling, and I filled that shit to the brim.  So good luck to him with reading that today.  LOL

And never mind that dot on my moms forehead, we can thank good ol' photo albums.  Grateful we even have this one! Besides, how bout' we take a look at her cute top.  I remember that one so clearly...

Happy Tuesday kids.  As for me and my body, we're in for a hair cut today.  

Hollaaa back gurlllll!!!

Big love, and lots of prayers for my birdies, and my family!
Especially my handsome dude that is bearing a tired body from these gosh darn crutches.

ps-  note worth sharing.  The hour I got the call from Mike's wife that he took his last breath, I had a voicemail from the cake place making Kali's cake.  What I ordered was a white cake, nothing on it, but light pink polka dots along the top tier.  What he made, was this. 

He. Made. This.

And my kick ass knock shit down meter was at the fullest number.

Blazing down the 40 headed home. His assistant sends me this.

Laugh OUT.LOUD.

What I wanted was this.....

Simplicity with succulents...
 I came to realize as I was losing my shit to this homeboy....directions and reading is everything.
Reality check.  Death. Cake. Last breath. Cake.
Lisa Lynn.  Stop. 

I've preached to my kids about kindness.  Understanding.  Blah Blah Blah...but..... BUT....

The moment wasn't in this mans favor.  At. all. 

Step away from the plate Juan with the sweet accent, and kind scared for life demeanor...Step.BACK.  And don't say a word.  LOL

And here you have mama's cake, just as simple as they come.  However if directions were read, there'd be little pink polka dots along the top tier. 

Kali, you're welcome. LOL!!

Until next time homies, PEAAAAAAAACE out!

And let Jesus take the wheel-

Kris sent me this as I was posting this post.  

I love you too Merkemer.  

Good timing bubby...

Mama