Tangled In Grace

On Sunday night I made dinner for our family.  Something I've yearned to do since I was a little girl.  

Dreaming of having a family sit around a table on a proper Sunday evening.  Eating a meal I made from scratch with my loving hands.  Something I love to do.  Feed my family.  And so we did. 

Dinner, was...eh. alright.  I stuffed chicken breasts with asparagus and provolone cheese with sides of baked potato's, and roasted organic carrots. (tip to those following that recipe, you must cook the chicken kind of a long time) I try to balance healthy with yummy.  Jen is going to compete in a fitness competition in March. And if you haven't already had the honors to view her bod, let me just say, she's flawless.  Never the less, until she competes, and while I cook for them, I'll remain extra conscious of her journey, with meals she can enjoy-hopefully- and meals we can enjoy. 

I sipped too much wine, which turned my middle-of-the-night into a worry filled, extra frantic oh-shit-everything-is-scary-and-the-world-is-caving-and-the-labs-my-birdie-needs-to-do-will-be-hard-and-scary-and waahhhh wahhhh wahhhhh.  I'm not a cuddler, and when I collapsed into bed, I literally laid my head on Bills chest and cried myself to sleep.  Crybaby. He, as always reassuring, honey everything is gonna be okay...and on and on as he goes.  (Note to readers: IF you are a worrier like me, do not drink when you've gotta sort the mind, no bueno)

Monday I crawled out of bed, as I have for the last year and a half on a hard night ...  3-4 hours of sleep, dark circles, pounding heart, becoming a robot.  Loading car.  Feeding cats. Grabbing whatever for lunch.  Slapping makeup on. Pulling hair back. Warrior mode if you know me.  Our Monday's are always filled with the unexpected.  I am a busy busy girl. Same with Bill.  

Kris would send me a picture of him in labs. A dog adorning the floor.  I feel like God puts things in our places for the easement of our minds.  Dog + Labs = Peace. 

(This picture is way over used but I love it! Bucksie is a baby, and so are my babes)

He then took off south to a friends house in San Diego.  Somewhere to work.  Enjoying the outdoors.  Life.  Friends. Animals. 

I begin the process to check his labs.  The crazy in me checks every 20 minutes from my desk. At one point asking Bill to stand with me because I am a fucking freak and get wet underarms and racing
heart because I don't want to see anything weird.

They weren't.  

Not that I am a professional, but I know my labs.  I know my son's blood. I know that pattern like a ninja. 

His whites look good, platelets good, hemo good.   Reds a little tiny off, but he's new inside...his neutrophils a little high, so I graph back to June, July and August so I don't go crazy, and they're all relative.  

I back away from my desk.  Saying a quick thank you prayer to God.  I walk outside texting Kris, to soon call him to hear his voice and to let him hear me.  

Labs look BEAUTIFUL honey! "Oh good mama"

Tomorrow,
 we go for his ONE YEAR bone marrow biopsy.
As I began to tell him his counts and labs on Monday, of course trying not to cry but I did, and he said "mom, don't cry"-  And I felt like a fucking coward.  Why does he have to go through this. 

Why!?

 I didn't want to sit in tomorrow, because last time I had to run out feeling faint.  But you know what?  You know what?  I CAN AND I WILL DO THIS.   He's my baby.  We've taken on the biggest rollercoaster hills, and we CAN and we WILL get it done.   Can we say...TPN. I thought that IV cart thing would take me down!  LOL!

God has him in his hands. Tomorrow will show no bad cells!  If you read this tonight, pray pray pray for him tomorrow.  We'll be there tomorrow in the land of Hollywood.  At 9:00am- And it's not just him. It's thousands of people around the world that will endure tests, scans, labs, one years, 100 days, new diagnosis. 

(Every time I look at this picture to post, I can almost smell his baby lotion neck) 

We will do this.  

I hope you have a blessed, cozy and safe weekend.  We have plans to stay in, stay together, stay hopeful and stay forever grateful. 

Thankful for your love,

This Mama Warrior Lisa