Well, HELLO friends! And Family! Took a little breather from blogging land. Something I noticed was my focus and desire of getting through the holidays had to be placed front and center. I'm sure most of you know the drill and all that goes on. We make the magic happen in our family units (nests) with our traditional everything. Am I right? Pushing that traditions stay alive. Even with the changes in tides, like kids growing up, moving out. Changes in patterns of homes. Marriages. Crisis in family ties. People coming and somehow slowing moving away from this thing called "Life".Closing out year-end things at work. A place of our focus so we may survive to take on another year. Mixed in with more changes. Clearing my desk with hopes of launching a new way of pushing through in life. Taking 2017 by the horns, and tossing all the challenging memories of 2016 into the fire....This time every year I sneak back into my many slices of memories. All in picture form. This time last year I watched these two kiss on the beach. New Years Eve 2015. Waiting to take on a journey. One that couldn't be described, we'd be forced to experience a miracle. You all know the journey has been nothing short of intense. Wild. Good. Hard. Full. Sad. Happy. Content. Broken. Healed. Better. Worse. Sweet. Painful. Sick. Smiles. Good food, bad food. Nice people, mean people. Nurses and doctors that became a life line. Most especially for the mama-bird, whom walked a tight rope in front of them. Reaching out to their hands every once in a while, before I fell incredibly hard.
If it wasn't for those around me, or them, we'd never get through like we did. In fact, we still lean on you during the days of confusion. Or as I call it "Whip Lash". My soul is battered with little bruises, and yet now the healing is starting to cover those bruises. Not sure they'll disappear forever....but with God's Mercy on me. On us. We're getting through. When I began the process to pull all the pictures of 2015/2016 it became clear that our focus was something so invasive. That invasive poison that almost took my son. And so, I had almost 100 pictures all within the first months of this post. Some making my stomach burn. Others making me smile. That one good nurse that loved us right back. Those famous pink puke buckets I rotated like a ninja. The many many towels I'd line his floor in the room for showers. Almost getting "shut down" by one nurse because it's a "fall factor". Just remembering the sass that rolled from my tongue after she finished her paragraph of lecture. Um, wait a sec...I've been waiting for housekeeping to come help me clean this shit off his bed side pooper, along with the shit on the floor, and some in the bathroom shower, because he was so sick..and we're in a discussion about TOWELS? no. stop.
But I will take another water jug filled with ice when you getta chance.
That poop will eventually get scrubbed by me, because I always had the arsenal of hospital strength wipies.
Don't get me wrong, Kaiser and City Of Hope were top notch in the world of health care. Take my heeding warning while caring for a family member....never take your gut request for something as nothing. You, and your loved one is everything. Fight for what you want.
Even if it's towels. Ask for 20. Ask for 30. If it makes your stay while fighting worth it, do it.
And keep track of their changes. Always always always asking twice or three times if you don't get the clear answer. Something gets shitty? Go to the top. And never stop documenting.
Well, see now I'm rehashing. Rehashing old whip lash recipes.
Anyway....take a walk through 2016 with me.
Kris when you read this, you might want to scroll right past some of these memories. Not worth ripping the band-aid. For its worth, and those transplant, leukemia, cancer fighting families. This is some of the process. Some of the hard times, but keep in mind...just like the tides...they fade away and new good moments float in, and the process continues. He's 2 weeks away from A NEW ONE YEAR OLD!
Pray all day and pray all night. I promise the plan for YOU is placed in just the right time....
We'd walk the beach on New Year's Eve. Writing our love in the sand. Letting the numbers 2015 wash away. With HOPE for this New Year and what would be handed to us. I can remember staring at this face. And of course crying because he never faltered that dimpled smile. Begging him to trust me in the navigating side. Scared myself, but never losing HOPE of what my prayers were. Still asking God to show me signs. I always begged for signs. To this day I see one almost daily.
This was our third and final morning of injections called "Palifermin" to coat his insides for the radiation. A load and dose that was told is lethal. They push them down to kill all the old cells. Which means, something I wouldn't want any mama to witness ever.
Interesting I look at all of his preschool and young childhood pictures and he'd always want to be in the trees we'd pass. Climbing each one. Same ol' thing "Mommy, watch, mommmy watch!" January 3rd 2016 we made this wicked journey up past the trees leaving a note before his 5 week stay. My body was numb. My heart was pounding. I never let it show. Same for Kris. We've always been a little team. And so we just forged forward. Walking in those doors.
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| Picture out of sequence...(taken after discharge a month later, back for a biopsy...during the days of walking him in and out so weak, but yet so strong. He'd always snap a picture of mama birdie. ) Kris, I love your passion. |
Your best friend comes during the hardest days. Those moments people stay and sit because they know you're mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.
Finally strong enough to want to look at phone, much less books. He had so many books. Had no desire to look at words. Letters. Pages. Too overwhelming.
The day we'd pack up the car and leave. Another numb day. He felt and looked great! The energy to light a room. A new chance. A new chapter. Pages and pages would follow for both of us. Yet, we still just held tight.
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| Coming home to organize his meds, keeping a firm hold on what he needed to survive. Taking close to 35 pills a day. Down to about 25 now. |
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| I remember this taken a few days before he was able to leave. Watching a girl that fell in love with this fishing, diving, lively guy. Soon, she'd sleep in the hospital bed next to him that very first shocking night when we heard those first few words. She'd always remain positive for him. And for me. She'd stare at me with her big beautiful eyes with such hope. Never a panic type girl. She's watched more sickness and meltdowns than most girlfriends. She has taken the best care any mom would beg to have for her child. She is our tribe. Jenny, I love you. |
In February-April we'd start our trips back and forth to COH Mon-Thur. Some days he was strong enough to walk. While others he'd be placed into a wheel chair. Some days he would talk. Finding a balance of using his hands for "thank-you's" and "yes" if he was hungry. I'll never fully understand what twisted him apart during those months, but I do know the side affects of what he endured was real. Chemo and radiation is something indescribably gnarly.
Again, his rock. A best friend and brother that would navigate just because he knew how fearful things were. Love you Corey! Or as Kris calls him "Bear".
This picture makes me laugh because he was so out of it, back in for a upper GI to see how invasive his GVHD was. He never talked much. I'd place him in the wheel chair, and his communication was his eyes to me. Sometimes hands. I could almost always see his dimple under that mask. But when asked to smile for the camera to send to Jen, Dad and Kali...he crossed his eyes. (There's my ol' baby...silly!)
I would love to have family go along with us. To help ease our anxious feelings. That extra smile. Conversation. Most especially with Kali. She's always been the even-keeled type. Don't fret style.
Jen too. They balanced us out.
My sister whom stood in the background almost daily. Showing up to the hospital with food, or anything else she thought he needed. Never taking a grumpy moment from him to heart. She'd just sit back quiet and smile. The boy she spoiled so much as a toddler. She knows him. She'd get or do what he asked and just sit back. Tina, I will forever be grateful for you. Forever. We are lucky to have you.
When we began this chapter book of the C word, and Leukemia...the picc line in his arm would make my tummy almost flip over. When he'd puke, I'd run. When he'd have side effects from anything I would run to the nurses station and rock worlds. When they'd hook, clean, poke, and pry....I'd leave the room. Soon, our doctor would hand me the news that he was losing weight and +60 and would need TPN. At home. AT. HOME. Administered by his mom. oh. kayy.
To say the anxiety rolled through my veins, eyes, body, and heart is another understatement. We can laugh about this now. But....wow. A firm pat on my back for navigating that month long machine. That beep. That bag. Those needles. That look in his face while I cleaned and prepped him. Woah.
Dr. Sahebi. The woman that stood me up so many times. Understanding my messages, calls, questions, listening to me as I'd request med changes. This day he was so weak she'd make us go take an infusion of nutrients. These doctors work around the clock for our lives. For my baby. For your baby. For life.
We'd always stop at these HOPE trees. Reading the passion, prayers, happiness and sadness from families all over the world. Trying to find a balance between religion and the universe. Pleading to take the cancer away. Some faded, and some fresh. We'd always leave our notes. And his orange bracelets.
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| Kris, I love you. |
Oh boy.
We'd make our way to our grandma's for a gathering of sorts. Based on my makeup-less face, I'd bet to say it was after a rough night...LOL
I'd have friends pull us away for a bike ride. These bookends right here. These girls that showed up in my face when meltdowns were around the corner. They'd stand me back up. Knowledge. Prayers. Hugs. Wine. Goodies. LOVE. Love, you guys...LOVE....
I'd catch a good find at our local nice Goodwill in Huntington Beach where I found these $150.00 brand new jeans, along with two others for $10.00 each. Always grateful. Timing on that was in my favor. I still love these jeans.
On Good Friday I'd scramble out of work down to the harbour to jump aboard a friends duffy to sip away the sun. Watching that sunset as we counted our blessings....The feeling of Springtime in the air, with high hopes of a better summertime.
We'd take bike rides to our local dive bar "MOTHERS'- Eating peanuts while sharing a cold brew. Smiling at one another. Almost shaking heads at times. Like WTF are we walking through.....
He'd land back in for a common cold, yet fever and other symptoms aren't to be messed with. So he'd have another weekend stay there at COH. He was at like Day +86
After many bags of strong antibiotics and new meds, we'd get the DISCHARGE orders and we'd drive home Monday. I'd chuckle about that hotel he just stayed at. Too many beeping noises...lol
We'd lose the Seal Beach Pier restaurant Ruby's. Locals stood in awe of a long time era of good shakes, and burgers. The common place you'd take family in from out of town. Stroller walks, and lover cuddle walks to the end. Gone.
Kali would find a cyst in her lip. That bottom lip area that a doctor insisted we have taken out. I'd sit at the top edge of her bed, and while Adele played in the back ground I'd have tears streaming down my face like a sissy because I just couldn't stand watching any more scrubs and lights over my birdies.
The results would come back "benign"- But it's back. In a different spot. So we'll approach this in 2017 to see what's up.
She'd welcome her new "Little" in AXU- Her sorority, and at times as she calls it...the pin in her side. A commitment that sometimes collides with other things in her path. Dedication. Dedication.
Shelly, Maria, Roxanne and our girls would rock out at another Stagecoach festival. A place where she's shown the best of the best because sometimes friends have connections. Thank you Rox! Thank you Shell! Thank you Maria! The mama's behind the scene that never cease to amaze me. And them.
Bill would scoop me away to my favorite resort in all the land... Monarch Bay- Laguna. It's simply divine. Can't describe it, just go. Save all your money in a jar, and go. It'll buy you two drinks.LOL
The water is free...so there's that....
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| REFLECTING. |
May 26-Kris would come down with the gnarliest virus yet. Septic, with pneumonia... Days before we were set to leave to Havasu to celebrate Kali's 20th. A weekend I had planned with a truck filled with my theme of party goods. A dad that simply shows up, sets up, and drives. Only this time he'd be sitting shot gun with my best friend Shelly. Whom played my roll, but then some. Shelly, I love you. I thank you. Forever. You are my rock. Kali's rock. Thank you!!
A few hours of watching him so sick, with a heart monitor track his breathing. He'd shit on the floor with so many apologies, that meant nothing to any of us because as a mommy it's just what you do. Good laughter later when I showed him my shoes that I had to throw away because I was sliding in that shit. And when you ask for housekeeping at 3am and a nurse....whom disappeared on us. It's living proof that one MUST stay with your family member when they're that sick. I couldn't believe how sick he was, and yet I would pray. Ask questions. At this particular stay at Kaiser I almost wrestled a nurse to the ground whom tried to play stupid with me about a med they gave him. When you try to cover your tracks with a warrior mom, then try to play dumb when asked for forms and charts, and that mom is super exhausted and not taking shit from anyone, anywhere....you push walls down. You never stop asking questions.
Pushing forward after that hiccup, she'd listen, give more love along with encouragement. This is all part of the journey. Thank God we have our loving doctor. One that we can understand, and one that listens.
The move-out of Sophomore year would come. Emptying out an apartment she held so many memories in. A place where she navigated with room-mates. One she loved, while the other...well...leave it at that.
Good bye Room #218.
We'd still manage to sneak off in our little harbor cruises with margarita's in our cup. Cruising around with just music and smiles to cover up the thoughts that rambled through our heads. Most always smiling at one another. Sometimes I'd get weepy, and he'd always wipe my tears, and hug my cheeks.
My mom would make her way down here for my grandma's 85 birthday. She's not one to travel down to see us. Same for my dad. They're set in their mountainy ways. And so....this is the best we get! And it was awesome.
I made my grandma a great grandma for the first time.... She was thrilled to see him.
We drop the girls off at another concert....but not before we'd sip wine and share love.
Kris and I would take trips back and forth to Sunset (Los Angeles) doctors appointments. Sometimes trying new eateries along the path home. Now we just want to GET HOME.
Summertime on the water! Our favorite Saturday past time....brews and cruise. June 2016
We'd host, and pull off the biggest surprise EVER. Kris turned 6 months old on July 13. After getting a hold of most all of his fishing, diving and school friends I was sure someone would have popped the surprise. Where in fact, it was the opposite. His face says it all. Happy 6 MONTHS KRIS! SURPRISE!!!
Mission Accomplished!
In July we'd head to Havasu too. Celebrating with our new tribe member Grant! Welcome to the family Grant!
Bill and I would make a trip to Cabo. A place where you let your hair down...or not. And sip good cold brews. A few steps behind where I'm sitting is the best guacamole in all the land.
Picture out of sequence. (Fathers Day-June 2016) where Gaylord's came to eat at one of his favorite eateries - Woody's Diner on PCH. Family together.
Boat races in August. A tradition of ours.
Back in for one more UPPER GI. Checkin' in at that silly GVHD.
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| Sea Legs HB August 2016 |
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| End of SUMMER Concert in the park with The Dunstans September 2016 |
Happy 6 months Kris- picture out of sequence.....
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| CABO 2016 |
Summertime vibes....
And while these two cuties were out enjoying 4 weddings all in one months, you'd have little one below getting her studies in for FINALS. And paperrrrsssss....
She'd make her way to AXU formal with Granster!
Kris and Jen would start to venture out to gathering with friends..Kris still remains the best DD....
End of summer lunch at our favorite sandwich shop "Jans" in HB
Bill and I would try Joe Jost in LB, first time for me. I love me a good dive bar, and good peanuts...but the location here is no bueno. scurry.
My parents peacock named "Peekie"....Beautiful, huh!
Kris would begin his quest to relive life back out on the water. Trying small dives a couple times. Ear infections blossoming out of each. ugh.
Out of sequence again...this is from April, celebrating my birthday with the six-pack. Our other set of bookends. The ones that rally around both Bill and I.
Birthday celebrations in September! With my sis-in-loves...
Living on.....
His real birthday in a darkened, power outage restaurant, LAKE HAVASU. Cutest night!
Cheers!
We'd say goodbye to our Wet Wednesday's at the Yacht Club in Long Beach....a place that hold the yummiest, happiest memories for me. Thanks to my homegirls.....xo Kris thriving!
A drive to check out Kali's new home. Moving her in, watching the season of her Junior year in college unfold. Managing yet a whole new roommate crew. Transitioning her office converted bedroom to an actual room. Her style is flawless. Good work Kali!
Thanks to my friend Sandy she'd be spoiled at various concerts. Back stage and VIP. Thank you Sandy!
These two would begin the new chapter of getting back into life. Trips down to Jans for lunch. Grooving around town in his VW bus, with doggo's in tow. Many trips to the park with their babies. Handful of medicine tucked into her purse, or his pocket in a baggie....
We'd enjoy the nice new brewery in town. Ballast Pointe. Not before letting the dust settle and the lines easing up. We'd pop in here on a Friday night after a long day of doctor visits. I'd always smile across the table at Bill with hopes that each week, and each month this all will get better, and easier.
We'd celebrate Shelly at our favorite restaurant "Michaels in Naples" with good wine, ESPECIALLY good wine glasses, and a lasagna to melt ones soul. So rich, you always decide to split.
Making our way to the races. A first for me. Betting on names that make me smile. Winning 2.00. There for the good time, because we aren't here for a long time....right
Honored to receive this picture of Kali asking Grant to her formal. She's always had silly humor. Thanks to her blood line, the silly's never leave.
We take countless pictures of Bucksie boy. This one of the day I told him Daddy was coming home!
I'd slide out to Encinitas with Kali for a wonderful lunch....I can remember leaving there with a lump in my throat because of how far we've come with the whole college thing. Disappointed that I mentioned "going away to college is overrated" at one point her freshman year. Snapping that back outta my thoughts like a rubber band. LET THEM GO AWAY TO COLLEGE. It's good for them!
She'd do retreats with her sorority. Learning the dedication of commitment is worth it. Even when your agenda wants to do something else. It's pushing the new members to be a part of something so beautiful....
More concerts for Kali and Maddie....
And....more retreats......Big Bear 2016
That lovely evening out on that park lawn with the Dunstans. Enjoying good music, and even better wine!
Thankful to God for allowing our son to be sitting here with our daughter!
The look in their eyes.....LOVE
Mama's!
Sorority Sisterhood Bonding lunches....
Thanksgiving 2016! A different outlook and view from 2015!
My little bebes....
God Bless America......
And God Bless my baby.....
Our cozy dive bar nights...tucked away by the beachside. Fire on, peanuts on the floor and lots and lots of laughter!
Our cute fisher girl.....
Our ever so familiar dock sits...where wine flows, and imagination blossoms.
One fit chick!
One sassy beautiful silly head....
I love you Kali Mae.
And I love you Krissoffer and Jennnyyyy
Need some good quality shirts, to support our son as he navigates through an income for survival....check out www.currentcrew.com and buy some stuff! The appreciation for your purchase comes not only from him. But from us. Thank you!
Long Beach Yacht Club evenings can't be beat.....
His love for me, can't be beat either....
We'd celebrate a family wedding watching our youngest cousin tie the knot. Waterside in our family favorite place...Oct 2016
We'd cram together with our six pack plus a couple more...doing our "Wining" and sometimes dining....sharing our bonds for the last almost 20 years of friendship. Watching our families evolve. Going through loss, sickness, health, laughter, heartbreak and change. We've all held on tight to one another...
Last weekend I went for a scroll down the beach. Actually Christmas morning. As I made my way down to the end I began to pray. I pray for continued mercy. I continue to pray for our son. And for our daughter. I pray that all the other families in the fight for life have peaceful hope filled moments. Taking the little slices of love they may find along the way in the journey they're on. I pray for my family. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and little cousins. I prayed for my parents. Two people I miss so much but realize I can't and won't try to change their pattern. They are who they are. Thank goodness they have eachother. And thank goodness I have my unit here.
We take the place for them in starting the new traditions our family continues to do. We love and we gather when we can. Christmas Eve we gather at the cemetery for our grandfathers birthday. Happy Birthday Grandpa Alex. We wish a Merry Christmas to our aunt Arlene buried there with him. Along with a cousin Zander. This group right here. Sipping Mexican hot chocolate while sharing stories. Watching the little cousins grow at a rapid crazy rate.
We closed out our year with plans for each of us to go in way different directions. One left for Australia. A small surf town in Warilla. To watch her boyfriend's brother surf. I posted the link to check out just who Nolan is. A sweet family she's entertwined in. A core of athletic people. With the same love for their kids.
She's venturing around the world on the opposite side from us. Learning the ropes of airports, lost luggage, patience and questioning. She's learned that mama still helps find the right rope to grab onto in crisis, even if it's luggage. Teaching her to not stop at the first question left unsure or unanswered. She's learning the changes of food, and people.
Our other babes on a road trip to Portland Oregon. A trip bought for Kris as a Christmas gift. Somewhere new to explore. Something different. Stopping along the way in San Francisco, then to my parents. Learning the differences in states. The way it looks, feels, smells, and hopefully the taste of good food.
Mom and Dad are tucked away in our sweet slice of heaven. A place we work so hard to be able to get to. It's rained for the last couple of days. Mostly at night. Last night hearing a thunderstorm rock so loud I quietly made my way into the living room at 2:00am to bring in 2017 with the hope of a good year. Last year wasn't a bad year. It was a roller coaster. One that I want off of. One that I'd like to put the very last ticket I purchased right into the trash. A year filled with hope and new friends. New nurses I'd bond with. A doctor that pushed right along with us. My sisterhood of friends that stand me right back up. My niece whom works her tail off along with school.
My wish for you in the new year is peace. Without peace we become humans without hope. When you stare at the word peace, it means that you yearn for better things. Not things you can buy. You can't buy kindness. You can't buy manners. You can't buy nice. You can simply be that example. To the new generation of humans around you. You can share a smile. Or offer a compliment. Sharing PEACE.
May your blessings be filled with all that you desire.
Be kind to animals. Elders. And homeless.
Love to you in 2017.
Man, I can't believe I'll be forty seven. It feels like yesterday I was 37.
This Mama Warrior, lover of peace, and human filled with hope.
ps. Please donate blood or platelets this year if possible. I'm alarmed at the rate of continued necessity.
Truly eye wakening.
1 comment:
Wow. What a year. Thanks, as always for sharing your love n life.
Love you,
Aunt Lyn
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