Setting Myself Up.

Hey lovers...

Did you all have a wonderful, snow riddled, beach runnin' love filled holiday?!
 (those words smirkin' from my mouth with such sarcasm it would make you laugh out the freak loud)

If there's one thing I need to remind myself year after year is to not get so hyped up at Christmas.  Here I preach all November and December and yet I still fall "sucker" to the rhythm of my own sermon. 

One of the things about motherhood I find is that we tend to sprinkle perfection around like it's fucking confetti.  (speaking for myself, so don't roll your eyes if you're that laid back type-LUCKY YOU) So when all that said confetti has finally touched the ground and you look around at those you love so much and wonder if all the confetti is even worth it.  I truly think it is, but for some reason on Christmas I find the confetti is more or less just too much.
Because deep down, I always end the mid morning with feelings of "was it enough"-

It actually sparked a conversation with Kali Christmas night...
The guilt of trying to run around for others, when the mere purpose of Christmas is to gather for love.
Whether you believe in Jesus or not, it's a celebration of life.
On a sacred day.
Should we pick two gifts and place tradition in front with simple things?  So then maybe the hype of the perfect "everything" isn't placed on the front lines---

The thing for us is tradition.  BUT the only traditions we (I) do is breakfast on Christmas morning.
The other is our tree laced with all the sentimental goodies a family collects in the 28 years you nest.  

This Christmas was different. 

Our family in general leads one of the most un-traditional living and family situations.

NOT to say we aren't all madly in love, because let me tell you kids...

The love in our blood runs thicker than it's ever ran before. 

Trust me when I say this...

  

  However, somehow I failed in the other departments. 

This Christmas-

We had no tree this year.  We had NO traditional tree this year.  The tree I normally decorate with the kids baby things- zilch.   I have an enormous amount of sentimental "things" for our tree. 
What I totally didn't realize was just how much it means to our daughter.

*Disclaimer: The gifts laid on the floor next to a surfboard.  I know, roll your eyes.

The untraditional feeling soaking deep into our daughters soul. 
Although we moved through the morning as normal with breakfast.
Kris, Jen and the pups arriving to open and eat...
The feelings were bubbling around in Kali's heart.

And trust me, I get it. 

Life got in the way.  Things got in the way.  Work. Life. Sickness. Distance. Italy.  Returns. Fluffing a house for that said return.

Money. Work.  Driving home in the dark. Cold. Warm weather. Love. Sadness. Depression. Hangovers. 

Friends.
Fatigue.

I think the expectations we set for the home, are totally 100% the guidance of the mom.
I hail praises to the men in this world that are raising kids.

I tried to talk myself off the Grinch ledge Christmas night.  I think setting myself up for disappointment happens quite a bit.  I tend to expect things to go one way, and yet the shift of tides go the other way. 

Hearing the small little things like a Christmas tree (duh lisa) and all the little things a mom sprinkles around for her family actually mean something will make my steps matter next year. 

Maybe I'll take the time off I need.  Maybe life will be easier for my son, and my two girls. 

Maybe things will turn around for all of us. 

(This picture takes me back to the most perfect New Years Day in 2014 in Catalina with the 6 pack on America Jane....pure bliss.....)

Maybe 2018, will be a better perspective for me. Maybe I'll sort through what really matters.  Stepping back from unnecessary things. I pray 2018 will bring good health.  Better perspective in tradition. And what tradition actually means.  The simple things versus the consumerism part of things.  Not only for myself, but for those I serve and love so tightly. 

Let's pray that prayer does work.  Because I still find myself questioning things. Very guilty of leaning on prayer when I'm begging for mercy and help for my son.

Maybe I'll learn to help a daughter understand what it really takes to run a home.  To fill all the crevices that moms fill. From meals, to life changing decisions, to Christmas trees.
Maybe she'll pick up the damn tree next year. 
Kidding.
Kinda.  

I hope we stay able. Feeling the hunger in life for humanity versus throwing material confetti in the air just because society tells us we need to.
Because when that shit finally hits the ground, it's still just confetti. #material

Give me health.
Give me healing.
Give me sanity.
Give me a peaceful heart.

Maybe that is what matters.

You feel me homies?

1975

Let me know where to get a good tree next year, k?

k, bye

This Mama Lisa

I love this picture with all of me.  2008-- 

On Christmas Cards

Another Christmas, and another year of receiving the cutest and most sincere Christmas cards.  ALSO...another year of not sending ours out.  

Next year I will send cards out.... Although I can't promise a picturesque one, I'll definitely send cards out.  Although I didn't receive a few this year from the expected families, I can't blame them for holding back.  They probably assume it's not worth their time or stamps to send to someone that doesn't return the favor by sending one back. 

I am guilty. 

What I can tell you is for those I do receive from, I literally can't put my stuff down from work quick enough to open those cards.  The happy feeling of lining my wall with families.  The happy feeling of reading where the kids are.  

Some of my friends have kids finishing college, starting intern jobs, and moving all over the nation.

While others are cherishing grand-babies. 

This year proved a bit more (as if I need a reminder) that life is so so precious.  Receiving a card from Renee this year, and her heartfelt message of "a change of things and just how precious life really is"- 

Staring at Jeff standing in between his kids at a wedding 3 months before he left this Earth.  Wearing a rainbow colored lei.  Smiling.  Enjoying life.  His family had their arms wrapped around his waist.  

Then the Christmas card goes out, and he's no longer there. 

The change.  

The card I received from my parents this year, they both forgot to sign the inside.  

Not because they meant to, but because my dad hasn't been feeling well, and life's burdens get in the way.  And so just to receive this beautiful card, addressed to us, from them, means more than a signature. 

I'll miss a Christmas card from my grandma this year.  As I've heard things are shifting quickly for her. Dementia or something along those lines are sprinkling her soul lately.  

I receive cards from my best friends that show a well deserved fun summer. 

I want to thank each and every one of you that send us a card.  Most especially those in far away places...
to think of us. 

It truly, 100% means so much to receive a card. 

I know what goes into getting through the list of things to do.  

And to think of us.  Of me?!

I thank you for the Grace you've given me.

Merry Christmas to you all...I hope the next few days offer you good people.  May you find the tape easily when wrapping, pens in abundance and you don't run out of name tags. 

Nothing is more beautiful than thoughtfulness. Pretty packaging, beautiful bows and expensive contents aren't the most treasured gifts this time of year.
Sometimes its the thoughts behind the words. 

Go hand out kindness--

And have fun...

This Mama Lisa

Neat Stuff

Hey players...hows it goin?  You scratching the top of your noggin' cuz I've blogged a few days straight?  

ya, me too. Let's point the blame on all the essential oils I've stashed on every crevice of my bod. LOL

For reals though, I'm a believer.  AND I'm not sellin' em! lol

Funny how when the stars align (and your biggest birdie is feeling better and your littlest birdie is on US soil), and you toss in the towel on Christmas shopping, wrapping, cooking and all the other nonsense my younger self stumbled over.  

Not that I am over it forever, because next year you might catch me actually decorating the house.  Or I might get really crazy and put bows on the gifts I did manage to wrap. 

No promises though, k? 

Says the girl that wrote the names with a sharpie on the under side.   #ghettoforlife

k, I'll stop.  

One of the things I adored as a child was playgrounds.  I can remember one in Downey that had the best view of all the city.  Not sure when my fear of heights reached its peak, because as a child I loved to perch way up high scoping the view down below.  

I can also remember going to parks while our house had a flea bomb going full steam.  My mom would pack our lunch.  Pack the two kids.  The dog.  And off to the park we'd go. 

New parks.  New places. 

Always fun to explore. 

The one I couldn't tolerate was that spinning thing.  However it made my day to give that thing a spin for others.  The faster the better.  Make em all puke- HAHAHA!

Interesting how all regulations have put a screeching halt to playgrounds these days.  The thought of a kid actually burning their asses on a hot slide just doesn't jive anymore. The thought of a kid actually falling onto blacktop...woah...watch out law-suits. 

I'm quite sure folks just wait for their kid to actually get hurt so they can cause a raucous and sue.  

Anyway......

Life goes on...

Enjoy these parks from around the world....

My favorite being in Germany...go figure.  So rad to let em rip through, fall, get hurt, hammer down, and JUST BE KIDS!

COOL PLAYGROUNDS FROM AROUND THE WORLD....

Happy Hump Day Lovers....

Lisa Lynn

Slow And Steady

Take a deep breath during the next few days.  Everything will fall into place.  The world will keep spinning. Reach to those without anyone.  Offer smiles. Love and kindness.

Sip good wine with those you love.  Hug your partners and children.  Sip your coffee slower. 

Watch the sunsets.  They're perfect this time of year.  

Pass on kindness more than ever before you guys....

Slow down.....

This is the time.  

Peace,

Lisa Lynn

Mondays Words

The Day After Returning From Italy December 15th, 2017 - Jan's in HB for lunch in the park....xo

 

7 Things Every Kid Needs To Hear

1. I love you

2. I’m proud of you

3. I’m sorry

4. I forgive you

5. I’m listening

6. This is your responsibility

7. You’ve got what it takes

Slow down this Christmas kids....love harder, and eat a little more finer, turn that song up a little louder....you deserve it.

Peace,

This Mama Lisa

Nothing Better----- In The Words Of The Littlest

Tori and I made our path around LAX airport yesterday.  Jamming down there, to soon cruise by Air France's Terminal over and over. LOL.

She texted "JUST LANDED MOM"!  And within 45 minutes I'd spot her little face.  Tired. Makeup-less. Her massive REI backpack on her back, with two large rolling luggage's in her hands. Tori would slide the poster I made out the window as I honked, hoping to make that little homecoming just a tad bit sweeter.  

  

Within seconds I'd be standing by the curb grabbing her belongings as she stood there bawling- 

Overcome with emotions, as she said "mom, the minute I seen your car and you, I was so happy and overwhelmed"-  

So of course, you know, I cried too.   LOL- *shockerrrrr*

As we drove off, she'd start peeling her many layers off.  

The flight itself from Florence to Paris was something from a movie.  A story worth listening to someday if you're sitting with her, ask her to share....

Yesterday morning I did the normal mama thing...put new flannel sheets on her bed, with that extra aroma of Downy softener they love so much on their sheets.  I added a cute candle to her bedside, with a small little Xmas tree we've had for years.  Just for the extra homecoming touch.  

I had chicken with cilantro and lime sauce in the crock pot, so that extra touch of walking in the door to "home-cooked aroma" will always be the place for comfort.  The place for safety.  The place where your parents have served, loved and protected you.  

HOME. 

By 4 o'clock she was clearly cross-eyed.  She followed the sun from Florence, to California. Her eyes so blood shot, and body riddled from flights, running, heavy back pack carrying....

She was out.

Kris stopped by last night on his way home from work.  Just to say hello. From a cars distance. 

Loving to give love. To his little sister.  To his mom.

I laid my head down last night and my heart was fuller than it's felt in a very long time.

You guys....

This is what the holidays are all about. 

Family.

Love. 

Good food.

Flannel sheets.

And in our case....moments together this weekend.  

No running around. 

No flights to catch. 

No finals to turn in.

No thermometers to check for fevers.

No toilets to puke in.

No final check lists, and errands.

Forgetting to jump in with both feet, because the shopping isn't what matters.

It's just being together....

I hope you all have a beautiful weekend together. 

Pray for those battling through sickness.  Through rough times.  Through flights, and errands.

I can tell you, those hard moments pass.  YOU CAN and WILL get through....

I'm grateful I can be here to add that touch to home. Food. Aroma's. Flannel sheets and lots of love. 

Happy Friday kids!

Much love and happiest of weekends,

This Mama Lisa 

Full Circle

Departing in the heat of summer. 

To a place unknown.  The familiarity would be 3 sorority sisters who feel like blood sisters to her now.  Learning to navigate the small streets of Florence.  The food. The schedules.  Trains.  People. Wine.  Olive oil.  4 classes. 2 days of the week. The rest proving to accept the amazing lessons in life.  Travels.  Humans. Nature. 

December would come.  The temperature would drop to 30 degrees.  The streets lined with lots of rain.  Thunderstorms.  Tourists in that little town would slowly dissipate.  The quiet of the flocks flying away from that popular spot. 

The homesickness would kick-in, in November. 

A mom would remind her that in exactly one more month she'd be landing back on US soil.  A place that is suffering such turmoil these days. 

Fires. Politics. Warm temperatures.  

A semester abroad studying in an Art School.  Proving that fear of being so far away is doable.  Flying with your wings spread wide for your heart to beat strong for, is the best compliment to yourself.  

To you Kali.

These life lessons of this semester will prove its worth for years and years. 

I secretly have been counting down the hours to see you again.  Mostly to know you're home safe. From harm.  From the countless things that a mother worries about, but told herself over and over that if something happened to you, you were doing something you wanted to do.  And loved. 

I am rushing around making sure there's fresh flannel sheets on your bed, per your request.  You have no Christmas gifts this year, because...well, Italy...jk- LOL

Just kidding. I'll help fund your nails.  And mayyyybe your hair trim.  

Might get really crazy and fill your stocking. 

Bring it home little one. 

Bring home those hundreds of pictures.  And videos. 

 I can't wait to sip coffee this weekend.  Together.  Smiling at the challenge you accepted and accomplished. 

You make me proud.  

You make Dad proud.

You make your grandparents proud. 

Mostly, this mom.  

I know the real you.  And this adventure was far from what you've ever imagined doing ten years ago. 

   

 My little birdie.....I hope your 14 hour flight is full of good people.  

May God help ease your anxiety, and your fears.  

I love you ----

7 Countries- 15 Cities- 4 Months. 

Countless train rides.  Bus rides you'll never forget.

Back pack packin' down the cobblestone streets of Italy.

So much charm, laughter, love, good food, bad food, fun times, sad times, silly bike rides and most of all the EXPERIENCE on this beautiful Mother Earth. 

Happy Wednesday!

If you need me this weekend, I'll be cooking, listening, loving and cookin' some more....

xo

This Mama Lisa

Holiday Reset Buttons.

First of all, I want to say "Thank you"---

Thank you to each and every friend that reached your arms out to hug me last week.  Whether it was a chat with my son, or a hug around my shoulders.  Little distractions along the way with texts' coming in from so and so... I can always rely on my friends and family for that.  I took one call from a long time friend we haven't seen in forever, and his words were so warm.  So full of hope.  Even though I started to cry mid-sentence he just picked up the pieces over the phone and kept it moving. 

Compassion. 

Last week, and the week before that was a doozy for me. 

For Kris. 

At one point, I thought I was losing my mind, but then quickly reminded myself, I am strong enough to pull through this moment in time. These pages in yet another chapter. 

Finding answers I need to for healing.  For jacked up doctors that treated him and me like we were creatures in a forest.  Leaving my legacy of "TAKE NO SHIT IN HEALTHCARE"   

Trust me, that doctor will never forget who I am. (A covering doctor in LB, was a complete asshole)

I am a warrior mom. For my warrior son. 

But we made it through. 

14 days of grit.  Of bronchitis. 

Of fever.  Body aches. Chills. 

Vomit.

Tears.

Frustration.

Emails.

Calls. 

Yet again. If we've walked across gravel barefoot, we most certainly can again....

The experience of change still happens whether we want it to or not.  

As is true in this life, right? Change. Forward. Backward. And forward again.

Part of my week would be considered loony if you ask me. 

One morning I ordered a coffee at the Starbucks counter in Vons, to soon walk away gathering a few groceries I needed, realizing I had left that coffee up at the counter.  (After filling my little cart...The look on the young girls face as I went back...lolz)

A true testament of "you never know what someone is dealing with"-

#thatzombielife. 

Kris is feeling much better.  He still climbs tall mountains every single day.  His body trying to get back in the groove.  Trying to grow into a new man.  Weak in every way.  

This morning we spoke about Jeff (Jens dad whom he grew very very close to), and how it still impacts him. He shed tears, which don't really come so easy for him. He surely misses him. 

Barcelona Spain November 2017

We received this post card from Kali last night.  

Her sweet words to us.  For a minute in time, I reflected on how far we've all come. In between the amazing Christmas cards we've received, it was that moment of gratitude that came from our littlest.  Sending a love note to her mom from across the world. A season of her life changing.  A semester abroad coming to an end.  The timing of that post card rollin' in just after a storm.  A storm in her moms heart.  A body so exhausted from her week prior manic mode.  

The exhale.

Keeping boundaries in check. Saying no to things that are toxic to me. Most especially humans that are toxic. Things I have no control of.  

To keep my circle close, and narrow.  To stay slow and present for the important things.  To limit things I need to. 

Small steps forward. 

Taking care of those I need to. 

When I need to. 

Barcelona Spain November 2017

To celebrate Christmas the way it should be celebrated.  With simple ways to love. 

Food. Music. Moments. 

New recipes.  

New friends.

New plans.

New changes. 

Hopefully forward.  More moments moving forward, healing, spiritual, and emotional. 

Forward. 

Bring it on in Kali.....May your flight be filled with healthy people and wide seats....xo

Dropped the news to Kris and Kali today that I will quarantine Kali when she arrives back....

Proceed At Your Own Risk with visits.....LOL! Sorry, not sorry, but those long plane trips sling some crazy shiz.   #justspeakingthetruth.  

Also side note to any of you transplant friends- Hang tight...I know it's easy to think it will stay hard forever, but you'll get some fresh air in between.  Just push on through.  I know easier said than done...Tighten that seat belt a little bit more. If someone offers help.  And compassion. And an ear.  Take it.  The energy will come back to you and because of your suffering you will be so good at noticing the small cries for help in the future.  

Sunday before last we caught the sunset at Surfside.  But don't be fooled how sweet that sounds because 

we bickered over something so stupid that I soon rolled that cute towel into a ball and off we went for home.  Cuz, full moon. duh. 

But this week life is all rainbows and unicorns!  

Be good friends.  Or kick ass, and be BAD!

Just keep swimming.........keep on swimming.....

This Mama Lisa

Friday LAUGHTER!

Kristin Wigg is just amazing. 

Enjoy my friends, I surely did.  

Kali sent this to me overnight, and I could not stop laughing this morning....!

Thank you Kali....xo

Just so good!

I hope your Friday and weekend are what you deserve.

  Peace.  Love.  Kindness.

Hallelujah

(By the way, this song is my favorite holiday song-LOVE LOVE LOVE it!)

Now go spread compassion......

This Mama Lisa

As The World Goes By.

Hey friends....

1.2.3. Check. Check. 1.2.3.

It's become increasingly clear that I am fighting through the holiday season just like some of you.  

Each and every holiday season in years past, I would struggle with the happy-go-lucky vibe. This year rearing its ugly head again.  Stress. Sickness. Fear. Anxiety. Politics. Fires.
I mean, I can go on and on...but you feel it too, right?

Ok, maybe not...but bear with me. 

Here I am. Back in the jungle of grief.  PTSD.
Whatever the fuck it is, it sucks. 

Here's the thing. I, along with millions of others, struggle through the same agony, year after year. 

I put on my best face, day after day, after day.  

When we arrived home from Havasu, Kris wasn't feeling well.  As a matter of fact, he started feeling "like shit" (as he states)- Which I don't blame him, he truly does.  He doesn't feel good most days.  That holiday weekend was no different.  Only by Sunday he felt terrible.  

A virus grabbed him. And grabbed him hard. 

Being the momcologist that I have become, I hover.  I email. I call. I do what every mother does.  She tries to make it better. These last 10 days have not been easy.  

My reminder to you all is hold on to compassion.

Remember the word compassion.

Remember the person you stand next to in the market. 

Getting gas.

Serving you a meal. 

Standing behind or in front of you with a frown.

Losing all patience as you stand in line.  

Let the bully asshole driver pass you.  (that's a tough one for me) 

You NEVER know what someone is fighting through.

Pain. Sickness. Depression. Finding out terrible news about a family member.

Job loss.

Financial messes. 

Most important, try to offer more kindness.  Open the door for a stranger.  Offer a compliment. 

Smile at that person passing you.  You NEVER know what they are going through.

I met a lady at the doctors office the other day with Kris. She knows him from doing labs there.

Her husband died last year of leukemia.  They met on a bad day.  For her. 

A day she had no idea what my son was there for.  Their first time meeting, he stood there with his dog...and she was short with him. Not realizing his dog is his peace.  He shared love. 
Kindness. 
Words. 

Compassion.

Finding out they share a small common subject.  He can recall how sad she was. 
 Their compassion for one another, never failing now.  She knows my son the second she sees him.
I stood next to him in line, staring at her.
She knows my grief and fear, and yet I know the jacked up path she wobbled down, and lost.

We shared compassion.  She shared a story that resonated so deep in my heart.  I get it. 

I get her.  

Reach out this season friends.

To people.  To humans that need love.

Compassion.

Holiday bullshit sales of 50% off things you don't need.  Think about that. 

Be grateful for your health if you're lucky enough to be healthy.  Be grateful for healthy family members, and children. Reach out to that person who's struggling.  Whether it be sad times, or the uphill battle of this life. 

Everyone needs compassion.

And love. 

It's just what will get us all through. 

My sister commented the other day just how lucky I am to have Bill.  To have someone who is walking this chapter with me. When he has a plate full, he's still willing to push the hair away from my face, and make me smile.  To remind me we'll get through.  

Life is fragile. 

I hope you remind yourself just like I do that we can and will get through these days.  As hard as they are.  We will.

Thanksgiving 2017 -Alone in the middle of the lake. 

(My nose, is woah...LOL #Ziggy)

Christmas, and all the other holidays just add that extra twinge of emotion.  

At least for me. 

Thank you Bill.

Thank you Tina.

Thank you sisters-in-love. 

Thank you neighbors.

Thank you best friends. 

Thank you family.

Thank you thank you thank.

For understanding my grief. 

It's been brutal lately.

That gosh darn full moon surely didn't help my case..that's for sure..

xo

 Tuesday December 5, 2017 

 I hope you all share moments of compassion somewhere, somehow, this Christmas season.

My love and peace to you...

Keep swimming....

And as this world goes by, show compassion.

--YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT SOMEONE IS GOING THROUGH--

This Mama Lisa

PS- To our firefighting friends and family out there.....WE THANK YOU!  THE WORLD IS LUCKY TO HAVE YOU!

The Mid Week Grind

A few years ago I remember jotting down all the beautiful things I'd want to pour my heart out in this blog.  About butterflies and lily pads -lolz!.  I'd sit down, put on my good music, and type away.....
Life was grand, minus the tiny bits of "stress"...or anguish I'd watch my kids go through.
You know, break-ups, heartbreak, friendships, financial decisions...etc.

  

We'd step away as a couple laughing the weekend away....

Little Did I Know---  LOL- (I posted this in 2014)

I can remember the days of taking pictures of all the mundane things we enjoyed.  Cups of coffee.  Wine.  Ocean waves.  The kids. Their friends.  Kali's prom shoes she wore 2 hours on one night of the year.   Bucksie, Bucksie and more Bucksie.....

All the little sweet, and not so sweet things I shared with you. 

Monday morning as I put myself together for work and was staring at circles under my eyes I could feel the shift of the month. Reality that the weekend bliss was over, (bliss for my weekend was gardening, meal planning and cooking a big pot of chili and chicken rice soup) and the grind of the week was truly, and really...in my face. I sipped my coffee, lower back hurting, waiting for this months season premiere of shark week.  Mind racing. Music playing from my iPad.  That John Denver station I had to change over to Norah Jones because tears just got the best of me.  The pity party of this life.  My new life.  Kris' new life.  Kali's life ahead of her as a young female in this big hardened world.  This world of death.  Shootings. Violence. Terrorism.  I literally turned the news off although I love local news, weather, and sometimes traffic.  It all just sucks.  Shooting here.  Shooting there.  Media interviewing a father that just lost a son. Why do we do this?  Heartbreak and more heartbreak. 

I literally stared at myself in a pity party. That Monday morning was a pity party for Lisa.  The tired human that must push through. Realizing later, daylight savings sucks ass.

 At one point I reminded myself something I so often preach.

YOU HAVE MORE THAN MOST PEOPLE WILL EVER HAVE...SOME HAVE NOTHING!

You have your son! 

 Many times I sit back down on my bed. To pray and to meditate. 

Kris and Jen have a much needed trip planned next week.  To a place they've never been.  To a place that offers warmth.  Ocean. Sand. Fishing. Good people. And God please help them, with good food.  A place called Cabo San Lucas.  

Where kind people greet you. 

And then it hit me.  I needed to change his appointment from 11/17.  He wouldn't be here for that day of labs, and appointments.  I needed to send that text to him. Opening up that conversation on a Monday. I secretly despise sending him things related to bone marrow appt changes. labs.  It's like this disgusting procrastination I want to do.

Hide.  

I needed to get in touch with his doctors office to order Zpak (strong antibiotics for any possible issues that "could" come up) He needs all meds refilled just in case...etc.etc.etc. fucking etc!!! That chemo warning bag so he doesn't get harassed by border agents. 

The same pattern takes place.  My email turns into action.  Action turns into labs.  Labs turn into a video appt at 4pm. 

Tuesday morning.  11/7/17 (our lucky number 7's)

 He waits.  I wait.  

THIS MOM SITS AND FRANTICALLY WAITS FOR THAT EMAIL THAT READS 

"YOU HAVE NEW LAB RESULTS"-  

The labs come in, the mom sorts through.  There's 12 to be exact.  My under arms sweat until I open each and every one.  Whites, Platelets, Lymphocites, Basophils....

My eyes swish back and forth...lolz

It's no surprise to you that labs pull me down like a weight.  I must choose between getting ready for work that morning, or curling up like a fucking freak mess and pretending this isn't our life.

It's labs.

Some might read this and roll their eyes....
"He's fine, why is she such a weirdo"..

It's a warrior mom life forever kids. 

Isn't it true that as a mom you live this life to pardon your kids of pain. Of bad news.  Of hurt.  So the last thing you'd ever want to do is call them with labs or something that is off?  

Am I right?  

They all looked perfect.  

It's almost to the point of normal like you and I.  Where platelets are staying in the 250-300 range.  Whites are up in the 7/8 now.  The day he was put in the hospital his platelets were at 40. 

Whites at 2. 

So why o' why do I get so nutty you guys!?

It's gonna be okay.....I tell myself this over and over.  My sister proclaims just how good he looks. But my fucked up mind says cancer isn't fair to those that look good.  Cancer is an asshole and lurches in the dark and grabs families by the neck. It's not kind in the way of "do good, be good, all is good"-

{This picture is amazing to the highest level.  Jen drinking this beer, in some garage somewhere just yells, "gives zero shits, it's Saturday, and everything is better when we're together"}

GET. IT. GIRL.......

My new uncle Jeff wears Kris' bracelet still.  The orange Captain Kris one.  He proudly told me while I stayed with them during my mama's surgery, that he'll cut it off when Kris reaches two years. 

That resonated so so deep in me. 

2 years is a huge marker. 

1 year was.

100 days was. 

Each day is. 

But 2 years is all that much better. 

I get it Jeff.  I get it. 

I thank you.  Although I find those orange bracelets around my house and I want to run to the trash and toss them to the very bottom.  But then I remind myself of the journey.  Of how close our family bound together.  His friends.  

He and I.  

Jen, and him. 

All of it.  

It's truly a miracle.

Today I had another slow odd morning.  One I will blame on shark week asshole-ness.  

Or lack of sleep. 

I've betrayed my Daily Bible reads.  I've betrayed the gym this week, when I did so well last. 

I've stared at myself longer each morning.  Praising myself for keeping it together when I've just wanted to not do anything.  

Working hard to support myself and those we employ.  Watching Bill work 6 days a week right now because this is slow season and things just get sideways.

Thank you Tina again.  For taking my frantic text Tuesday morning like a grain of sugar.  

Your reply back is always understanding. 

To Sumaira in London, you are my warrior sister for life.  You get me like NO OTHER.

I hope your Wednesday is good friends.  I hope I'm not misunderstood. I hope other warrior families get this life we must make.  Let's try to believe that things don't happen by coincidence.  Let's hope that God has a plan in place, and that all the better days are ahead for him.  For us.  For me. 

This weather is beautiful....

(Six Pack September 2017-Amador County Wine Tasting)

A day, and a place, and a moment that I will cherish with them forever. Along with a few others we've marked down as amazing.  This one goes down as one.

This Mama Lisa

Should I make it a goal to let go of the C word in 2018, and just live.  Just drink good wine, and go back to the days of 2014?  To have more faith each lab day?

Thank you, thank you, thank you for hanging in there with me friends...

I would never wish this journey on anyone.

Is the BEST, really gonna come?  I certainly hope so--

Happy Hump Day...gettahumpin!  HAHAHA...

or not. 

Full Moon Friday

And Saturday.  Both of which will give you some space to hide from the weirdos. 

Or in my case, nutty phone calls.  

But it's Friday kids!  

Life could be way worse kids. (LOL) Your mom could send these boots with your boyfriend to Italy.

Sorry Kali.  I know you mentioned one pair had a hole you just didn't know which pair.  And when you said hole, dang girl, this is a FLAP. Make sure you don't bring those things home.  HAHA!

But don't feel too bad, they're in Venice as I type.  Flappy broken boots and all. 

Awww to be 21 again....

And for those still scratching your head on her studies.  She does.  She is just making the most of how far she's made this dream.  She has 4 classes.  Two days a week.  She still carries the highest grade point average.  

Travel the world little one...and don't look back!

Kali, go ask around for Gorilla glue in Italian.  And good luck with that, like the day you asked where the shavers were.  Demonstrating could be really good.  Two words.  Gorilla. Glue.

Go. 

Love,

This Mama Lisa