Those Deep Exhales.

It's no surprise if you've read my last blog post I was having quite the challenging time.

And those moments seem to jump in front more frequent, than not. 

I'm working through many days on my own.With the help of friends, and of course my lover, I am pushing through.  I've finally opted to search out some sort of counseling.  It's very clear to me that the hardest days of my sons life, seem to have lingered on in me.  I am still taunted by many memories.  Some very terrible.

Anyway.......

Thank you for sticking by me through these days. 

Bill and I left Friday morning.  Set the alarm for 4am Friday.  Something that is hard for him to be right now...is "away"-  Even at times when I'll sip my wine and preach to him under my breath  "honey, you know these days are slippin' away and we're gonna regret NOT getting away for breathers"-  He always stays quiet.  It's in his nature to work.  Right now a two nighter is heaven in disguise....

It felt so good to pull away on that freeway in the dark.  Down the highway to Del Taco in Barstow arriving at 6:30am to feast on their famous tacos.  At that crazy hour, I get their "Cabo" breakfast egg tacos.  Haven't tried em?  Do it. 

As we get further and further away, I can feel our tension lift slightly.  One little phone call from Kris that he mistakenly thought he had more chemo pills but he didn't. It's always a tad bit easier for me to make those phone calls, than him. I know everyone says "go have fun, and live"- In our line of business, sometimes that's much easier said than done.  Phones and emails rule our world. 

What did we all do before cell phones and emails, huh?

My birdie Kris posted something on Saturday, with some sort of subject along the lines of "my parents left to Havasu without us..."-  I instantly felt a jab in my gut.  More openly, right into my heart.  Two things I wanted to relay, but felt the reasons weren't even necessary.  It's too hot for him there.  And WE needed to get away.  Alone.  

And.....my birds are grown adults now.  Not to mention he's out on a boat at least twice weekly as we're tucked in offices kicking ass.  But I bit my tongue.  I did send him a little message from le mama. 

What I shoulda did was reply with something along the lines of 

"well, we wanted to walk around the house nakie, and have sex in the living room"  LOL  JK

But I didn't. Lucky them.

It goes along the chapter of life " you'll never know the feeling until you've become a parent"

In some other life, I'd like to not burden myself with guilt, but you know how it goes...

We, as mothers tend to hold onto that G word a lot longer than most. 

That little breather. Those quick little moments. A stiff cocktail and drinking before noon on a Saturday.

Laughing hard at each other, pretending there's no worries left on the shelf here in life.

Hearing my first "seasonal" monsoon thunderstorm at 3am Saturday morning.

Sitting on the couch watching everything light up.

Remembering the time my niece woke me at the sweet age of 14, so scared because that thunder is thunder like no other. 

Looking a little closer at pictures I have tucked around in nooks.  

Reminding Bill as he makes comments of the pictures we take...

"how old we look"

or 

"the changes of our hair, body, physique"

I quickly remind him, if we look back on these days 10, or hopefully 20 years from now we'll be glad we took them.  

The older we get means our only "once" happens right now.

And if we can take a breather and live for today, and step away to recharge....and live for that moment.

Adulthood...

No one said it would be easy.

But, the alternative isn't easy either.

My biggest love to you all,

Thanks for sticking it out through my journey.

This Mama Lisa

xo

ps. I took one selfie of ME but I'm selling it to the National Enquirer. Stay tuned at your local grocer. It's a doozy.