The Difference A Year Makes

 Friday as I was heading to the pharmacy to shake the gates and rock the walls...yet again....(more ignorance would "blossom" from a simple request for his nausea and noxifil refill) Don't we all love to go rock walls on a Friday night?  TGIF, right??!!!

Kris calls me.  

This is after navigating the day through a stint of labs and high blood pressure phone calls. 

At exactly five o' clock he'd call me to say the "covering" transplant team called to say his counts were wonky.  Not in those terms, because Dr. Chi doesn't chat like that. But you feel my vibe right?  Calmly expressing to Kris that his WBC (fighter blood) was at 2.5.  like,  nooo bigs.  

And to stop taking his chemo for now along with another med he takes only on Saturday and Sunday.  Possibly causing this issue to arise.  One fights with the other, scrambling "things"-

I instantly wanted to shit my pants. It's so wild how you can go from "hey, we're gettin' through this week-to- freak-the-fuck-out"

This new reality becoming my reality.  Either I freak the f out. Or I just sit back, and pray.  Still crying every.single.silly.long.day.  

As I arrived at home Friday night, I could see Bill was exhausted (he's been working his ass off)- But he was in such a good mood!  Enter me into the picture ------------>  Debbie Downer...

Asking him to pour me a drink and help me sort. 

Sort we did.  

It's amazing to sit and chat through something.  Learning to tell myself the worse case scenario is still there.  And life moves on. So I need to let things go.

Like my major nags to Kris and how I WANT HIM TO STAY IN ALL WEEKEND. I WANT HIM IN A BUBBLE. I WANT HIM DOWN IN BED. I WANT THOSE COUNTS TO CLIMB.  I WANT TO MAKE IT ALL BETTER.  I WANT THIS NIGHTMARE TO GO AWAY.  I WANT TO ERASE IT FROM ALL OF US.   "I"     "I"   "I"

ME!

When in reality he's suffering a gut so torn up, and insides that are fighting to be new, and better, and healed.
Can you tell their doggo's adore him?  Those fur lovers have his back.  That's fo sho!

Saturday morning would roll around, and Bill would be gone before sunrise.  I woke with a quiet vibe.  A good vibe to sort and be alone.  To pray, and light candles. I made a coffee that sat and got cold.  Just sitting there in silence, taking it all in.  What a way to be alone. With God. And me. To get a pedicure and do a Lisa day.  To smile at strangers, and leave places without a single word out of my mouth.  Just smiles.

I prepared a sweet dinner for my family.  One that Bill and Kali complimented as being one of the best.

Closing up our blinds early.  Tossing into bed for a day at the races.  Rising early. 

Arriving at empty clean places.  Hey there Simmzy's....

 That IS water, and not straight vodka.  boom.  LOL!

Give it to me baby.

You betcher bottom dollar we stayed until those big guns ran.  Not this handsome dude, but plenty others. 

I couldn't stop reminding myself of this time last year.  How fast things can change.  In one year.

One phone call. 

One healthy person. 

One normal life.

One lifestyle that gets tossed up and over.

Races last year.  He wasn't feeling good.  Kali hated the races. One big mess.  

We chatted this morning on the way to work.  My simple request to be in charge of appt's. again. I want labs every week, or every other. I want to lay meds out, and rock doc offices again. I want to stay in charge until I can see a bull has been tackled down just a little further. 

I want him to feel better. 

My over parenting selfish worry wart ways want him to eat like this..

Only a germaphobe would get this picture.  It's my apples and peanut butter.  The left side are those I touched. #FREAK

Keep sending Kris positive vibes.  Back to labs on Thursday.  New meds this week.  He's moving and forging on. He won't stop.  He won't let life take him down. He's tired of feeling terrible. He's most def tired of me nagging.  

This is our assignment....

I just wish it wouldn't grab me so hard sometimes.  Especially when we're least expecting it. 

But then again....that wouldn't be a fair life right?

Anyone heard of the book Sandcastles?  

Get it. 

Love to you all,

This mama lisa-  WARRIOR FOR LIFE.  Even though I am exhausted. Fight on!

This poem, courtesy of my Aunt Lynda.  Love.

I most certainly am stronger than I ever knew. Even remotely possible.  Big fat double headed, BOOM!