Army Ant Mode.

I guess the analogy of how I'm feeling as of late is more like an army ant.  The one that is just in the mode of doing. And moving.  And working.  And existing. And providing.  And moving.  And instead of a robot, I'm just a worker ant. Only this ant has to talk. To employees. Customers. Vendors.
It can be so taxing on a soul, most especially when your tea pot is about to start whistling away...
Only my tea pot, is tears.  I've always felt like the tea pot type. Cool as ever until the heat turns up and stays up.....

And sometimes.....

Sometimes in this life, you need a break. So, we don't break.

A break that doesn't come easy.

This week has tackled my spirit down.  I pray harder than other days when I get this way.

I've fought hard this past year, creating the least little bit of energy to give myself fully. Most importantly to the general public.  Something I've always taken a fawn love for is just being kind.  To others.

My family first. 

I've held a thought in my head, "when I die, my children will most certainly declare just how much love I poured on them"-
Funny, a few weeks back one of my birdies mentioned how at times my blog is hard to read because it sounds so sad (at times)...and as I replied and smiled, my inside said..."This my dear, THIS my dear is Motherhood. And Age.  And the breakdown of wisdom.  And the healing of heartbreak. And partnership. And working hard for years and years. It's a part of chapter forty six that one can't explain. It's not a purposeful plan to make them sad, or cry, or that this little slice of my world be so dark and cloudy so that those that want a perfect world and perfect slice of perfect souls. And a perfect mom. Or girlfriend. Or employer. Or human.  Or family member.
Truth is, this is life. And sometimes, my friends,........it's fucking hard.
If this little space dooms and gloom's your day...there is a little + on the top right.
Push that.
But pray for me, k? Thanks.
For those young birds out navigating life...in chapter 20...
My best of loving wishes to you.

Instead of asking for forgiveness in my prayers, I ask for mercy.  I ask for whatever it is to help ease this feeling inside.

Fear.  Anxiety.  Frustration. Anger. Anxiety at an all time high.
Hormones. Chapter 46. Fear. Motherhood. Life planning.
Failing. Succeeding. Pushing. Falling. 

Here's a couple pictures that make my heart full. And when I'm in my vulnerable level as this, I turn to pictures.  And memories. 

Pictures.

My car took a shit on the way home Tuesday. Because, well, why not. Elll  oooooo Elllll One second, I gotta grab more dirt.  And keep moving.  Building that mountain. Down the tunnel I go, up again, praying someone doesn't knock it all down. Happy Thursday! Shout out to the AAA driver that dropped me off back at work, and re-dropped my car off at the mechanics shop.  Shit like that doesn't happen these days. Because, well, corporate BS. Go enjoy life. However you can. Keep marching.  Hold onto your dirt tight. This Mama Ant- Holding onto a mound of FAITH.