Peace & Love: Signs.

A few months ago, back in December, a neighbor next door at the beach passed away. From a demon chasing her with addiction, she finally succumbed to her monster. She was my age. 52.

In the days leading up to her departure, I went over to say my goodbye. Sadly enough I was asked to help her to the bathroom. Not really knowing her well enough to feel completely comfortable with sitting across from her on the toilet holding her hand and holding her up. I did. I did it because of womanhood. Motherhood. At one time in her life, she was not fighting those demons. At one point she chased her little boy around playing hide-n-seek. At one point in her life, she had the wits to know right from wrong. Her pain or monsters got the best of her.

The day I met her I was like...Woah. This girl is on something. We all knew. But through the 3 years she lived there we kept our hearts open. Time and time again I watched her ruin the day. Her son a mere 18 years of age would leave in a rage of frustration. And yet there was nothing we could do. Actually, I didn't care to get involved. Selfishly enough, I was like, I have my own nest of worries, why add more. And so I didn't.

At times, especially during the last couple of years in retirement, I look back on a dusty road. A road filled with pain. But also a road filled with Grace. A road that was so bumpy it threw me off the cart. Landing on my ass and heart. So many days working and not wanting to even crawl out of bed. I made it.

So many times I felt like I couldn't go on in my forge to keep the boat afloat. For everyone. Including myself. But I did.

Proud of accomplishing the task of raising two humans. In that task, you sacrifice many things along the way. It's part of the human right of being birthed. It's them before you. Then you add in a partner. Work. Friends. Responsibilities.

I digress.

I stared across from the shower ledge I was sitting on holding her hands. She was pretty out of it. I could still smell alcohol but it wasn't my right or willing to question it among her caretaker. But I held her hands. It was the first time I've ever witnessed a human leave this Earth. That close.

I said "Julie, I will make sure your son is okay. I will make sure your kitties are taken care of. Will you send me signs from wherever you go?" In a weird kind of way, I've always wanted to ask someone to do that for me. To see what is really out there.

You see, I've questioned Heaven and Hell.

Hell was presented to me on the night of August 26th, 2015 in an ER Room in Downey.

I walked through the Hell for many years after. And let me tell you, there are still many days I wake up soaked with fear and rage. Mostly fear.

Looking back I was covering my soul with wine or alcohol to help me step across the shit pond. I've since become more conscious of the consequences of it.

Don't fret my wine drankin' friends, this girl still loves me a good wine, and will hardly ever pass up a good dirty martini-

I just found the middle of the night to haunt me even more.

I've seen Heaven. I had a moment in Cabo with epiphany moments staring at the shoreline as the yacht we were on all day was heading back to the harbor. I was staring at the shores of Mexico. The beautiful country we visit. The ocean filled with whales. The clear water rustled by me. The wind was warm. I had braids in my hair. I had a margarita in my hand. A watered-down one because I couldn't sip anymore. I just wanted to soak up the moment. I had tears filling my eyes, and thought..is this Heaven?

I have friends that pray for me or explain Heaven. I get it. I hope I go there someday where they speak of Golden Gates and the Father waiting to greet me. Not sure he'll hand me a margarita, but I certainly know that I seek peace. Finally away from this sadness and grief we all see and feel.

So, I asked my late neighbor Julie to send me signs...and I said like maybe birds or butterflies. Not joking, but she kind of smirked at me. She was so out of it but the clarity in her eyes she wouldn't take off me was assuring me that she was indeed listening to me. She had the prettiest green eyes. Beautiful blonde short hair. I held her hands as she tried to potty and I thought "is this smirk her thinking what the fuck is Lisa doing sitting across from me while I have diarrhea on the toilet" LOL-

Motherhood. Womanhood. Life.

I helped her back to her bed. She died 3 days later. I didn't cry when I left. I climbed over our planters back to our house and sat with my emotions.

Wow. That is what the end of addiction looks like.

That is what a mother that wasn't strong enough to fight it off, leaving her only child motherless.

And yet, why blame anything or anyone. I thought I hope she feels Heaven.

I hope she's there. Wherever that may be.

So we traveled, here and there. Going back to our lakehouse in AZ in Jan. I stay a few weeks until I miss the salty air and my girl, and my besties and I drive back. The second trip I do the same. Back and forth.

Springtime hits and I arrive home.

My tasks are always to unload my car filled with stuff I can't leave at either house. It's a weird trait I have. (You all know I haul my pillow(s) lol) everywhere...

Then I wash down our patio and dock.

This Springtime I arrived and boy did the birds come out.

You guys...

A dove made her nest in a spot that Bill blocked a few years ago. I look up and she's staring down at me like.."hey".... (these are her babies, that have since fledged the nest)

I have Swallows on our tree on the dock. Who has a nest under our dock walkway. A family of Seagulls has caused a complete raucous on the dock. Talk about a mess. A nightly Heron, who's always come at nightfall for fishing.

Crows. Hummingbirds. Crows that we shoo away from the dove nest. This season has been the season of BIRDS.

I was making dinner a couple weeks ago and a little brown bird came to our slider screen and sang a song there by himself, staring into the house.

I stood there and said "Hey Julie" and kinda chuckled.

Is she out there trying to give me a SIGN?

Is there a Heaven or Hell?

Do the consequences of our life choices take us elsewhere?

Yesterday's news of another shooting doesn't make me want to copy or even read, for that matter, all the memes and pictures people post. It makes me angry that drug addiction (the shooter's mom) and parenting choices of what a kid must feel. He was bullied at school. Do you teach your kids to be kind?

Do you teach your kids that kindness to strangers or to your peers is the way life should be?

It's not about guns. It's not about gun control.

It's about mental illness.

IT'S ABOUT FEELING LOVED. READ THAT AGAIN. RESPECTING OUR KIDS AND MAKING THEM FEEL APPRECIATED AND LOVED!

I woke this morning just like all of you and thought, oh my god, those poor parents. We never want to outlive our babies. We fight for them. We hold them up when the tides push them back. We stand up higher and higher every time. Until there comes a time that they control their own. And you sit back and be proud.

Today, I woke to a beautiful sunrise. I listen to good music. I pray. I have since 2015. I pray for Mercy. I pray my birdies stay safe. I pray Bill stays safe and healthy. I pray for my friends.

The Grace and Mercy we've been shown. My son a first look at a miracle.

Sometimes I do feel Heaven right here on Earth.

Sometimes I see and feel Hell on Earth.

Some don't get that chance.

Find some peace today friends. Good music. Sunshine (ours just went away again lol).

I'm off to wash off more bird poop......everywhere. (Julie is that you, thanks!Ha!)

And talk about counting each blessing or chance (if that's what we should call it..) These photos right here are proof. One is a miracle. The rest are complete amazing moments and to me, blessings.