Peace & Love: May 2022

Sunday, May 29, 2022

Chapter 26.

Gosh, I can remember typing Chapter 16, and Chapter 18.....and 20.

Life surely squeezes by in a blink, doesn't it...

Listening to her this morning (I blog early and set dates sometimes, so today is Friday)- She's off today and we're heading to Costco. Her list of things she needs for their home. Her priorities and organization in growing and evolving are so incredibly beautiful. It's an amazing transformation of adulthood. Although most of us were picking away at the Rock Of Responsibilities much younger in life, this age group is putting all the pieces together.

We'll do lunch and she'll drive me around and offer lunch and all the sweet things she does. She'll correct me if I critique something or someone, reminding me that others have different narratives than we do...etc.

Here are 26 things about Kali.

From day one to today.

1. She's an observant girl.

2. She has a love for animals, of all kinds, especially cats. And will protect them with everything in her soul.

3. She is giving.

4. She has sass to her like her mama.

5. She's silly and has a sharp wit that we all can laugh at.

6. She's incredibly smart, and street smart thanks to her mama. lol

7. She's a great cook.

8. She's beautiful in my eyes.

9. She's kind.

10. She's a tomboy at heart.

11. She used to race BMX.

12. She's a tad bit of an introvert like her mama but can pull a room together with kindness and fun in seconds.

13. She's found the best man to share the rest of this life with. LOVE you Grant-Man.

14. She can maneuver a boat better than some men. LOL.

15. She is strong on the inside and out. Not one to cry until you've pushed every.single.button.

16. She's a punctual human, at times, almost scary to others. If you're on time you're late.

17. She has the prettiest eyebrows I've ever seen.

18. She has incredibly sensitive eyes.

19. She walks her cats on a leash. :)

20. She's loyal to the core. Like her dad, she keeps her word.

21. She can be VERY impatient. *Hangry. Be careful and tread lightly if she's hungry. HAHAHA!

22. She knows how to change oil, and change a tire thanks to her dad who forced her to do both.

23. She has a staring problem like her mom. See number 1 above.

24. She fakes liking the gifts I give her, especially clothing super good. LOL

25. She protects her family and takes things extremely personally if those don't reciprocate.

26. She's the BEST daughter I could have dreamed of having.

Happy Twenty-Sixth Miss. Kali Mae.

Soon to be Mrs. Kali Mae Rapoza!

I will love you until I sneak away from this Earth. I'll send you signs like birds, bird poop, lol, or drones of kitties, especially those that need a bottle. I will protect you until the roles reverse.

Wishing you a day filled with happy notes, fun pictures, and maybe some bubbly, or tequila that you sometimes like.

I love you. Dad loves you. More than we can ever express.

Incredibly proud and filled with love for you. Forever.

And ever.

Mama

Friday, May 27, 2022

Cruising Into Kali's Birthday Weekend

Wishing you all a safe, fun, and reflective weekend for those who still fight for our Freedom. Our Freedom is at stake, but we will still stand tall.

Keep LOVE, and the important people close.

Cheers and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

This Mama Lisa

Thursday, May 26, 2022

Chapter Twenty Six.

I remember May 26th, 1996 came and went. I was swollen from top to bottom. Waddling around the block each evening after work trying to make my little girl come into this world.

Her hair was so thick, and the bonnet I dreamed of taking her home in was......lol.....too tight!

Little did I know that 3 days later I would be at a Farmers Market, then drove myself to the hospital because I was seeing stars. Blood pressure was over-the-top so we'd start a quick process into labor and I'd have her natural 4 hours later.

The moment of birth is surreal. Something I will always be proud of, never taking that journey for granted. To carry life inside of us. I remember the first flutters I felt with both Kris and Kali.

Incredible.

The day I found out I was having a girl I kept asking my doctor over and over again if the ultrasound I was staring at was correct. Not much seemed to go my way in my young adult life. My choice to have Kris at 19 really stirred the pot with family, among a challenged marriage I just didn't think I'd be lucky enough 6 years later to be pregnant with a girl. A GIRL!

The day I birthed her they put her up on my chest and all I could see what massive amounts of black hair. Sticking straight up. I was like woah. LOL.

I'd bring her home the next day and again, my heart laid wide open outside of my body. Having a little girl even back then was a whole different approach. A girl to protect from evil. From weirdos. From heartbreak. She wasn't a super easy peasy baby. She cried alot in those first couple of months. Our breastfeeding journey wasn't the easiest start, but I was determined to make it work. Seeking help from Le Leche League, and nursed her for almost a year. Something I was incredibly proud of, as I went back to work at 6 weeks.

I wasn't a girlie girl growing up. A tad bit of a tomboy, but loved to look cute. I'm just not the glitter loving type. The thought of raising a good human came first. To show her this world through the lens of what I knew I didn't want her to experience. Also a lens of what I DID want her to experience. I knew I wanted to be involved in all aspects of her life. We'd navigate through private preschools, private Kindergarten up to middle school. I'd save to put braces on her. (Kali, cover your eyes..shewasathumbsuckerforlongerthanwewanted) I'd sign her up for dance (she didn't like the feeling of tights lol) I'd sign her up for soccer. She'd blossom first with the notion of new friendships, to then fall into the category of a mom that had a helium arm and ended up being Team Mom on every-single-team she ever played on. Even High School and Club. I never left her at practices for fear of them needing to use a public bathroom without a mom there to watch for weirdos. I ALWAYS stayed.

I'd meet some of my closest best friends through soccer. Last night we celebrated Maria. Kali and Kaitlyn met when they were 12 playing club soccer, and Maria would embrace me since then. Teaching me a thing or two about college, dedicating our time at middle school events, high school dances (they used to complain Freshman year, to loving us showing up Senior year)- We celebrated Maria last night at the Yacht Club and this picture of Kaitlyn Facetiming Maria with Kali just makes my heart melt.

I made her a little heart brownie cake....we surprised her. She had no idea we'd gather some of the troop....

A foster mom of sorts to me. Maria, you're an incredible lady. Maria's birthday is Monday.

My due date always makes me sentimental. With both Kris and Kali. It's a day that generally comes and goes in most pregnancies, but I remember saying that date to those that would ask for 9 months.

Life.

Motherhood.

Friends.

Celebrating chapters.

Due dates.

This morning with coffee I fell into the bliss of my photo boxes I need to take to the lakehouse. There are pictures of family from the past. Photos take me right back. To those in this life that made us or broke us. Family and friends are gone, and yet some are here but still absent.

Photos of happy moments, and yet sometimes I cross pictures and they make me cringe. Some go right into le trash can. ha.

Always grateful for my strength. For my willingness to give them a better life. To do better.

Having a girl has taught me the ropes of decency. They become a little mother to us as we grow older. Making sure I text her when I get home. The sweet stare into the eyes of her mama. Of protection. Of love. The girl that shows up on my patio leaving food and meds while we walked through covid-schmovid.

Grateful to have her by my side in this life. Girl-hood. Understanding if one was PMS'n and wanting to knock people out lol, or the lullaby of a song making us get tears. Or sharing pictures of funny stuff that a girl and her mama would get.

Planning a wedding, staring at an almost 26-year-old, God willing able to have children of her own someday.....

Here we are.

Daughter. This mama loves you. You made me understand the courage of loving a female with emotion. With a heart of gold, and yet at times in those teenage days a tongue sharp as a switchblade.

You've made me a better person.

Happy Almost 26 Miss. Kali!

This Mama Lisa

Wednesday, May 25, 2022

Signs.

A few months ago, back in December, a neighbor next door at the beach passed away. From a demon chasing her with addiction, she finally succumbed to her monster. She was my age. 52.

In the days leading up to her departure, I went over to say my goodbye. Sadly enough I was asked to help her to the bathroom. Not really knowing her well enough to feel completely comfortable with sitting across from her on the toilet holding her hand and holding her up. I did. I did it because of womanhood. Motherhood. At one time in her life, she was not fighting those demons. At one point she chased her little boy around playing hide-n-seek. At one point in her life, she had the wits to know right from wrong. Her pain or monsters got the best of her.

The day I met her I was like...Woah. This girl is on something. We all knew. But through the 3 years she lived there we kept our hearts open. Time and time again I watched her ruin the day. Her son a mere 18 years of age would leave in a rage of frustration. And yet there was nothing we could do. Actually, I didn't care to get involved. Selfishly enough, I was like, I have my own nest of worries, why add more. And so I didn't.

At times, especially during the last couple of years in retirement, I look back on a dusty road. A road filled with pain. But also a road filled with Grace. A road that was so bumpy it threw me off the cart. Landing on my ass and heart. So many days working and not wanting to even crawl out of bed. I made it.

So many times I felt like I couldn't go on in my forge to keep the boat afloat. For everyone. Including myself. But I did.

Proud of accomplishing the task of raising two humans. In that task, you sacrifice many things along the way. It's part of the human right of being birthed. It's them before you. Then you add in a partner. Work. Friends. Responsibilities.

I digress.

I stared across from the shower ledge I was sitting on holding her hands. She was pretty out of it. I could still smell alcohol but it wasn't my right or willing to question it among her caretaker. But I held her hands. It was the first time I've ever witnessed a human leave this Earth. That close.

I said "Julie, I will make sure your son is okay. I will make sure your kitties are taken care of. Will you send me signs from wherever you go?" In a weird kind of way, I've always wanted to ask someone to do that for me. To see what is really out there.

You see, I've questioned Heaven and Hell.

Hell was presented to me on the night of August 26th, 2015 in an ER Room in Downey.

I walked through the Hell for many years after. And let me tell you, there are still many days I wake up soaked with fear and rage. Mostly fear.

Looking back I was covering my soul with wine or alcohol to help me step across the shit pond. I've since become more conscious of the consequences of it.

Don't fret my wine drankin' friends, this girl still loves me a good wine, and will hardly ever pass up a good dirty martini-

I just found the middle of the night to haunt me even more.

I've seen Heaven. I had a moment in Cabo with epiphany moments staring at the shoreline as the yacht we were on all day was heading back to the harbor. I was staring at the shores of Mexico. The beautiful country we visit. The ocean filled with whales. The clear water rustled by me. The wind was warm. I had braids in my hair. I had a margarita in my hand. A watered-down one because I couldn't sip anymore. I just wanted to soak up the moment. I had tears filling my eyes, and thought..is this Heaven?

I have friends that pray for me or explain Heaven. I get it. I hope I go there someday where they speak of Golden Gates and the Father waiting to greet me. Not sure he'll hand me a margarita, but I certainly know that I seek peace. Finally away from this sadness and grief we all see and feel.

So, I asked my late neighbor Julie to send me signs...and I said like maybe birds or butterflies. Not joking, but she kind of smirked at me. She was so out of it but the clarity in her eyes she wouldn't take off me was assuring me that she was indeed listening to me. She had the prettiest green eyes. Beautiful blonde short hair. I held her hands as she tried to potty and I thought "is this smirk her thinking what the fuck is Lisa doing sitting across from me while I have diarrhea on the toilet" LOL-

Motherhood. Womanhood. Life.

I helped her back to her bed. She died 3 days later. I didn't cry when I left. I climbed over our planters back to our house and sat with my emotions.

Wow. That is what the end of addiction looks like.

That is what a mother that wasn't strong enough to fight it off, leaving her only child motherless.

And yet, why blame anything or anyone. I thought I hope she feels Heaven.

I hope she's there. Wherever that may be.

So we traveled, here and there. Going back to our lakehouse in AZ in Jan. I stay a few weeks until I miss the salty air and my girl, and my besties and I drive back. The second trip I do the same. Back and forth.

Springtime hits and I arrive home.

My tasks are always to unload my car filled with stuff I can't leave at either house. It's a weird trait I have. (You all know I haul my pillow(s) lol) everywhere...

Then I wash down our patio and dock.

This Springtime I arrived and boy did the birds come out.

You guys...

A dove made her nest in a spot that Bill blocked a few years ago. I look up and she's staring down at me like.."hey".... (these are her babies, that have since fledged the nest)

I have Swallows on our tree on the dock. Who has a nest under our dock walkway. A family of Seagulls has caused a complete raucous on the dock. Talk about a mess. A nightly Heron, who's always come at nightfall for fishing.

Crows. Hummingbirds. Crows that we shoo away from the dove nest. This season has been the season of BIRDS.

I was making dinner a couple weeks ago and a little brown bird came to our slider screen and sang a song there by himself, staring into the house.

I stood there and said "Hey Julie" and kinda chuckled.

Is she out there trying to give me a SIGN?

Is there a Heaven or Hell?

Do the consequences of our life choices take us elsewhere?

Yesterday's news of another shooting doesn't make me want to copy or even read, for that matter, all the memes and pictures people post. It makes me angry that drug addiction (the shooter's mom) and parenting choices of what a kid must feel. He was bullied at school. Do you teach your kids to be kind?

Do you teach your kids that kindness to strangers or to your peers is the way life should be?

It's not about guns. It's not about gun control.

It's about mental illness.

IT'S ABOUT FEELING LOVED. READ THAT AGAIN. RESPECTING OUR KIDS AND MAKING THEM FEEL APPRECIATED AND LOVED!

I woke this morning just like all of you and thought, oh my god, those poor parents. We never want to outlive our babies. We fight for them. We hold them up when the tides push them back. We stand up higher and higher every time. Until there comes a time that they control their own. And you sit back and be proud.

Today, I woke to a beautiful sunrise. I listen to good music. I pray. I have since 2015. I pray for Mercy. I pray my birdies stay safe. I pray Bill stays safe and healthy. I pray for my friends.

The Grace and Mercy we've been shown. My son a first look at a miracle.

Sometimes I do feel Heaven right here on Earth.

Sometimes I see and feel Hell on Earth.

Some don't get that chance.

Find some peace today friends. Good music. Sunshine (ours just went away again lol).

I'm off to wash off more bird poop......everywhere. (Julie is that you, thanks!Ha!)

And talk about counting each blessing or chance (if that's what we should call it..) These photos right here are proof. One is a miracle. The rest are complete amazing moments and to me, blessings.