Showing Up For 33.

Thirty Three.

The boy that made me the woman I am.

My strength. 

My knowledge.

My kindness.

My willingness to take anything on at anytime to protect him. To protect them.

My only son.

Kristopher Michael Stahl

Born August 17, 1989 - It was a Thursday. In the very early hours. 

I've never felt a love so deep.

I never knew just how much I would protect someone.

You kept me going from the tender age of 19 when I had no idea where life would take me. 

You made me successful. In love. And in life.

Thank you my son....

Happy Thirty Third Chapter Kris. 

I love you more than words can be typed on a screen, or told through a phone.

I just love you so much.

Forever Young

Mama

One Day.

 One day,  you're a young vivacious aunt working in the corporate world, no kids, driving a red Volkswagon beetle. Sharply dressed in her corporate dresses. She'd pull up to gather us for a weekend and it was a vacation of spoilin' for us two girls. She showed us, young nieces, just how deep her love was for family.  Rearing children later in life, her perspective was LOVE first, rules second. Sitting in traffic from LA to Alhambra like it was nothing to scoop up my sister and me.  She taught me how to apply lipstick, smudging my lips together.  She bought me my first pair of heels at Kinney Shoes. She showed me how to make quiche.  And when I say show me, she never measured things out, she would whip up a crust and fill it with the most divine broccoli and cheeses.  When I was 13, in her kitchen as she prepared over 40 for her Peruvian girlfriend's wedding.  We filled her car to the brim in boxes.  All along I was proudly wearing the new heels she bought me.  She was the neighborhood kindness spreader. 

They moved their sons to Lombard, IL back in I believe, 1993.

She was there, and sometimes here, but we always knew a phone call could give us the Cece voice. Her advice. Sometimes she'd nag me about not being married until she realized the topic would fade once Bill and I hit 20 years.

She passed away unexpectantly exactly a month after my Grandma.  My grandma's second child. 

Grandma left here 6/22/22 Cece 7/22/22

Cecilia Graff, my aunt.  Gone in her sleep.  Due to arrive back to California for our grandma's memorial. 

You see quotes and poems about showing those you love, that you do.  Things that should be said.

Tell those you love you do.

The morning we all got the call I just kept thinking....Woah. If there's Heaven she's with grandma, and Arlene and Zander our cousin. I thought she was at peace from bills, and from whatever Earthly grief she was traveling around each and every day. But her sons! Her husband.  She was the rock. 

So, our grandma's memorial was rescheduled while we all hovered around our three cousins. Peter II, Philip, and Patrick. Three boys adored their mom.  Their mom would protect them with every grain in her body. 

She's gone. 

There's a song by Chicago, and for as long as I can remember it reminds me of her. "Saturday's in the park"- 

I was walking the other morning on the beach, it came on and I thought just how fast and crazy this life is, and then you can't call them ever again. When she was here and we all sat in our grandma's house around grief, fear and tension so thick you could slice it with a knife.  Her last words were....Be nice.

On her Facebook page her "ABOUT" says -  I pray for Peace.

I see her smile in this picture and I want to remind each and every one of you. Go make amends.

NEVER stop giving out love.  Compliments. Smiles.

Just like that. 

One phone call. 

Cece passed away.  

It seems like I was just a young girl, standing by her side. Listening to her go on and on about whatever she was teaching us.  Her hospitality and loving ways to serve others.

Cece, I love you.

I'll miss you.

I'll have regrets about never seeing your home in Illinois.  Your cooking.  Your love to your boys.

I love you.

Grief is just love with no place to go.  I read that quote the other morning. 

Peace.

Love.

One Day.

One day, you get the call.

She's gone. 

This Mama Lisa 

The Pages Keep Flipping.

This little girl insisted on running her little pointer finger through the Seal Beach sand sculpture that clearly read, "Do Not Touch",---- she touched. A story her dad still tells. The little defiant one that turned out to be the opposite....

Now she's planning to take the hand and name of Rapoza. 

We couldn't ask for a better future son-in-law. 

Kali Mae Stahl

We're so happy for you both.....

Truly never knew just how fast the pages would flip.  Just how fast we'd watch this love story unfold.

We can't wait to see you blossom and grow....You both have made us so incredibly proud...

Love,

This Mama Lisa 

All That You Have.

Over the last few months, or maybe even weeks while navigating through loss, family, wedding planning, and life, I've been enlightened, yet once again what is important. 

What is important in this fast life....Our souls?

Planning a wedding with our daughter, yet glancing over my shoulder at my aunts mourning the loss of their mom. Grandkids that maybe held on lightly and now she's gone. I stopped in on Saturday to visit her partner of 25 years. The sadness in his eyes, yet gratefulness for the visit. The moments he'd speak of her to abruptly stop and stare down at his remote for the tv to hold back tears. He said she was there.  He feels her. He said mostly at night. All I could do is just stare at what love at the end looks like. A home that still smells of her.  I could smell her Jean Nate' the minute I walked in the door. I didn't feel sad when I walked in.  As a matter of fact, I felt embraced.  Just like forever and ever for 52 years, that home never changed. The same little decorations that meant so much to her. Her kitchen window is lined with little trinkets.  Something I find myself gathering at times. As a matter of fact, as I sit here and type I found a shell that stood out and he's in my pocket and I never bring shells home.  Something about the curl of the top.  My lucky shell. Just like her home.  There are lucky parts to all of us.  From the front door to the smell of her, that lingers. I couldn't stare into her room. A place she loved to be in. 

This life. 

It's got dust in corners, and old pictures adorn the walls. Mostly pictures of her family.  Of all her grandbabies. Me included.  Pictures of my mom and dad whom I don't see but can see the history of their ability to try. I felt love in the chair I sat in.  As a matter of fact, it was the chair I last saw her sit in while she tried to sweep the fog away from her dementia mind.  She would kind of pretend to know people at the end, but I felt like she knew me.  I knew she felt Tina and knew Tina.  It was heartbreaking at the end for her closest daughters to tend to a woman of beauty that outright refused to take a shower.  The complete opposite of what she raised us all to be. 

This life. 

I sat there for a few hours with Gene. Listening to his stories about serving in the Vietnam war. He showed me photos of his brother's funeral that he watched live on his phone an hour before I arrived. You guys..... He died a day after my grandma. His love.  Then his brother.  They sent his body to Oklahoma for burial.  Again, showing me the picture, telling me a short story about his brother Johnny, to have to stop and regroup. I could see his lip quiver and his eyes squinted as he tried so hard to share his sadness yet the strong serving US Veteran wouldn't let it out completely.  So we just sat there quietly. 

This life.

All along I thought if he feels and hears my grandma here. Then she's here.  And I hope she knows we will love on Gene. I will. When I got my things to go I stared along the family room wall lined with our family tree.  The old stereo cabinet is lined, and I MEAN LINED with photos of every single daughter, son, my grandfather, along with every single grandchild and great-grandchild in our family.  Some made me smile, and some made me tear up.  Something I learned recently about my grandma- she kept every single card someone would send her. Whether it was a birthday card, Mother's Day or a simple thank you.  She kept them.  Some were sent from our mom to her in the '70s.  Talk about love. 

This life.

When I hugged him goodbye I told him I loved him, and I'd be in touch. Thanking him for loving my grandma the best he could for all those years. I began to cry, pulled out, and did my traditional honk as we do when we leave.  Passing the ice-cream truck with his wonky tonk music blaring.  Hoping to see the tamale man as I pulled away....maybe that was meant to be. I just don't want that house to change, and yet it will. It has to.  

This life.

We're planning a wedding for our littlest. The irony of what's so important to her right now might be a dusty road later, yet she doesn't see that right now. Right now, we need the right stamps she loves lol.  Right now, it's the little details and timelines that mean the most.  To her. To me too, but I'll always sit a little to the side to let her sort it out. Then quietly add my two cents.  If this is the chapter she chooses to make the way she wants, well.....then let's go for it.  She knows I will always be in her corner. 

This life. 

My therapy?

THIS WEEK.

LAST WEEK. 

I walk the beach most mornings.  Some mornings are just more beautiful than others.  I don't think there will ever be a bad day walking along the shoreside, but some mornings it's like the shells line up to greet me.  Some days it's so windy I push to get through, but then thank my lucky shells I have the chance and opportunity to do so. 

This life. 

So this song comes on at the jetty as I reach the end. 

I think of my girl.  I think of my grandma.  I think of my mom. The women that influenced me to be and do better even if the intention wasn't laid out the way we would expect. 

Stay humble.  Love those you love, hard.  Never fail to sneak in compliments and praise. Especially to the kids. Build em up.  Always. This next generation needs it more than anything. 

Don't give up.  And spread kindness like glitter. Paper glitter lol.  Not that shiny stuff HA!

I hope this song inspires some of you, like it did me this morning. 

All That You Have Is Your Soul

Oh my mama told me
'Cause she say she learned the hard way
She say she wanna spare the children
She say don't give or sell your soul away
'Cause all that you have is your soul

Peace and Love,

Lisa

PS: Will the things we fret about today really be that big of a deal 5 years from now?

Love. 

This life.

Is fast......

A Stormy Day In June.

 On June Tenth, Twenty Twenty Two- I drove with my daughter to USC Keck Hospital to stand over my Grandma's bed watching her stare off into what looked like sheer misery. A tube down her nose to gain some sort of nutrition, two IV's (which alone made me cringe). But a look at times in her eyes that she knew we were there.  She knew her daughter "Nettie" was there and she knew her daughter "Lyn" was there. She suffered a stroke. 

Kali and I not sure what to say or do, just attempting to help her be more comfortable. I began to caress her forehead and hair, soon she reached up. I realized she didn't want me to mess her hair up. 

Glimmers of hope would blossom, then fade again as each doctor would make their appearances with grim outlooks. 

I learned many things from her. Not much in the way of nurturing or mothering, but more of beautification. She always reminded us to "make yourself look presentable" no matter what, where, how and with who.  We learned to serve our men good meals. "Food is the way to a man's heart", if you will.  With all due respect, it's something I cherish and feel this generation is taught different.

Her heels would match her purse.  Always a handbag worth carrying, not always strapped over her shoulder.  She loathed the sun. Her skin whispered that until her last days.  Putting your purse on the ground was just not the place for it to be. Walking barefoot around the house would indefinitely cause us to become sick or our womanly insides would later suffer. She was Portuguese. She was beautiful. We just had a surfer dad, so barefoot and sun runnin' were these two little girls. And to this day you'll probably never find me with glitter, shimmer or fancy high heels....

Her home is the only home that never changed in my Fifty Two years on this Earth.  The same right turns from the exit of Valley Blvd off the 605 fwy.  Waking up as a little girl in the back seat next to my sister as we made a huge curve on the street leading closer to her house.  We'd wake knowing how close we were.  The scent in her home ranged from a fresh batch of beans slowly cooking, to acetone and nail polish.  Or, at times, she'd just dyed her hair and the aroma of Loreal would fill that big ol' house.  

Last week we all stood around her family room, living room, back patio and kitchen and all I kept thinking was....this is it.  This is the last pages of this book. It was so surreal. 

She was sent home on hospice and left this Earth 11 days later. To say we all experienced adrenaline, sadness, laughter, love, heartbreak, tension and frustration is an understatement. It was like we were all in a movie we'd seen a million times.  Yet this movie was real and we were all witnessing and watching it end.  We'd all speak to her, with hopes she'd open her eyes just a little bit more.  And some times she did. I caught three different occasions of which I know for sure it was NOT a reflex as the hospice nurse said. I strongly disagreed.  With 2 strokes, end stages of dementia, she knew who, and what was in front of her. 

She knew when I called my sister to speak to her and I held the phone slightly to her ear.  She held the phone and opened her eyes. My sister was a familiar face. A favorite first grandbaby, if you will. She knew my cousin Mike and gave him a expression I will never forget...(he was another favorite of hers) And for sure my uncle Harry whom she smirked at. We can call them "reflex's", but I call them love. 

Her three daughters Lynda, Nettie and Susie there from sun up to sun down. Round' the clock. Never leaving her side.  Her partner Gene for 28 years never wanting to throw the reality towel in.  She was fading. Her two oldest daughters flew in and flew back out with a haze of the unknown of how to handle the last pages. Her only son handling it the best he could, with denial covering his heart. His mama. 

For some reason, I held strong. I kept thinking, this isn't the way she should go. This breathing part sucks. This hand holding, ice chips, frozen cranberry juice and morphine is just out right a fucked up way to leave.

And then I thought....just slip away grandma. Just go...

We all know I've questioned religion, and at times still do.  I whispered in her ear, Grandma, it's okay....you can go.  Gene will be okay, the girls will be okay and her only mijo (not sure how to spell that) but her only son Alex...would be okay. 

She held on.

Annette, Lynda, Susie and Alex did too. 

On Wednesday, June 22, 2022- The lightening, thunder, rain and in some places hail....the skies opened up and embraced my grandma.  She loved rainy days. 

My aunts and sister fixed her up. The call to hospice and mortuary to come and gather the love of their life. Our love.  The matriarch of the family.  The top of the tier. 

Gone.

So the dignity her daughters and first granddaughter gave to her.  Makeup, a little lipstick and some style to her hair. 

She lost a daughter (our aunt Arlene in 1983)- So I just kept thinking....If there is a Heaven. If God is there....could you imagine seeing your daughter. Could you imagine seeing grandchildren that left before you. 

I learned a few things during that week of family gathering together.  I learned what the look of the last pages of a book filled with 91 Chapters.  I learned how heartbreak and grief can bring people together and yet I learned how it can cause friction. 

I'll miss her even though I didn't go visit her as much as I should.  Guess another example of my own nest, and friendships and travels selfishly stepped in front. 

I'm afraid of what will happen with family. The aunts, cousins and uncle we'd all gather at times for all the times.  Good, and bad.

I come from a silly family, it's where I get my inappropriate laughter at the worse times. We pull silly out of sadness.

I'll miss hearing the ice cream truck coming down her street. I'll miss the race track bobble heads in her family room.  I'll miss all the kitties she'd feed. Her love for cats ran deep- Hello Kali, that's your genetics, little one. 

So many people used to say, call your mom, call your grandma...and I raise my hand guilty.  Before her dementia got bad I'd call her on my way home and the call lingered for so long, sadly I think she forgot what story she was telling me so I'd just answer her questions over and over.

She never forgot Kristopher and his sickness. The day he walked in bald recovering she was so happy he was doing better. 

My sister sent me a cute video of her the day I was heading to the hospital and I can't tell you how  many times I've watched it. For laughter. Not sadness. She didn't like celebrating her birthday.  

I'm grateful for the love she gave us. For the chances to gather at her home, although I know at times (now that I'm older and see how our homes get splattered with the remnants of a good time)- 

Lucky to look at her picture and know that I came from her nest. I sprung from her oldest offspring.

Whatever Heaven looks or feels like, I hope she's catching up with Arlene. Her daughter.

I hope she has clarity and the fog she complained about from Dementia is gone. 

I'll forever cherish the moments with her. 

Sunshine is the only thing I've rebelled against. 

The rest, I owe to you beautiful Grandma. 

I'll always take care of Bill. 

I'll cook good food, enjoy a good cocktail and laugh at all the things I shouldn't.

Not sure about high heels I still battle that one...

But I'll always put make-up on to look "presentable".

You've exited this blurry world.

Beautiful Grandma.....Linda-

May 1st, 1933- June 22, 2022

Departed on the stormiest day of June....

The mother of 7 Children......6 Girls, and 1 Boy....

My Opening Farewell

Chapter 26.

 Gosh, I can remember typing Chapter 16, and Chapter 18.....and 20.

Life surely squeezes by in a blink, doesn't it...

Listening to her this morning (I blog early and set dates sometimes, so today is Friday)- She's off today and we're heading to Costco.  Her list of things she needs for their home. Her priorities and organization in growing and evolving are so incredibly beautiful. It's an amazing transformation of adulthood. Although most of us were picking away at the Rock Of Responsibilities much younger in life, this age group is putting all the pieces together. 

We'll do lunch and she'll drive me around and offer lunch and all the sweet things she does.  She'll correct me if I critique something or someone, reminding me that others have different narratives than we do...etc. 

Here are 26 things about Kali.

From day one to today. 

1.  She's an observant girl.

2.  She has a love for animals, of all kinds, especially cats.  And will protect them with everything in her soul. 

3. She is giving.

4. She has sass to her like her mama.

5. She's silly and has a sharp wit that we all can laugh at.

6. She's incredibly smart, and street smart thanks to her mama. lol

7. She's a great cook. 

8. She's beautiful in my eyes. 

9. She's kind.

10. She's a tomboy at heart.

11. She used to race BMX.

12. She's a tad bit of an introvert like her mama but can pull a room together with kindness and fun in seconds. 

13. She's found the best man to share the rest of this life with. LOVE you Grant-Man.

14. She can maneuver a boat better than some men. LOL. 

15. She is strong on the inside and out. Not one to cry until you've pushed every.single.button.

16. She's a punctual human, at times, almost scary to others.  If you're on time you're late. 

17. She has the prettiest eyebrows I've ever seen.  

18. She has incredibly sensitive eyes. 

19. She walks her cats on a leash. :)

20. She's loyal to the core. Like her dad, she keeps her word.

21. She can be VERY impatient. *Hangry.  Be careful and tread lightly if she's hungry. HAHAHA!

22. She knows how to change oil, and change a tire thanks to her dad who forced her to do both. 

23. She has a staring problem like her mom. See number 1 above. 

24. She fakes liking the gifts I give her, especially clothing super good. LOL

25. She protects her family and takes things extremely personally if those don't reciprocate.

26. She's the BEST daughter I could have dreamed of having.

Happy Twenty-Sixth Miss. Kali Mae.

Soon to be Mrs. Kali Mae Rapoza!

I will love you until I sneak away from this Earth.  I'll send you signs like birds, bird poop, lol, or drones of kitties, especially those that need a bottle. I will protect you until the roles reverse. 

Wishing you a day filled with happy notes, fun pictures, and maybe some bubbly, or tequila that you sometimes like. 

I love you. Dad loves you. More than we can ever express. 

Incredibly proud and filled with love for you. Forever. 

And ever. 

Mama

Cruising Into Kali's Birthday Weekend

Wishing you all a safe, fun, and reflective weekend for those who still fight for our Freedom.  Our Freedom is at stake, but we will still stand tall. 

Keep LOVE, and the important people close.

Cheers and GOD BLESS AMERICA!

This Mama Lisa

Chapter Twenty Six.

I remember May 26th, 1996 came and went.  I was swollen from top to bottom. Waddling around the block each evening after work trying to make my little girl come into this world.

Her hair was so thick, and the bonnet I dreamed of taking her home in was......lol.....too tight!

Little did I know that 3 days later I would be at a Farmers Market, then drove myself to the hospital because I was seeing stars.  Blood pressure was over-the-top so we'd start a quick process into labor and I'd have her natural 4 hours later. 

The moment of birth is surreal. Something I will always be proud of, never taking that journey for granted. To carry life inside of us. I remember the first flutters I felt with both Kris and Kali. 

Incredible. 

The day I found out I was having a girl I kept asking my doctor over and over again if the ultrasound I was staring at was correct.  Not much seemed to go my way in my young adult life.  My choice to have Kris at 19 really stirred the pot with family, among a challenged marriage I just didn't think I'd be lucky enough 6 years later to be pregnant with a girl.  A GIRL!

The day I birthed her they put her up on my chest and all I could see what massive amounts of black hair. Sticking straight up. I was like woah. LOL. 

I'd bring her home the next day and again, my heart laid wide open outside of my body. Having a little girl even back then was a whole different approach. A girl to protect from evil.  From weirdos. From heartbreak.  She wasn't a super easy peasy baby.  She cried alot in those first couple of months.  Our breastfeeding journey wasn't the easiest start, but I was determined to make it work. Seeking help from Le Leche League, and nursed her for almost a year.  Something I was incredibly proud of, as I went back to work at 6 weeks.  

I wasn't a girlie girl growing up.  A tad bit of a tomboy, but loved to look cute.  I'm just not the glitter loving type.  The thought of raising a good human came first. To show her this world through the lens of what I knew I didn't want her to experience. Also a lens of what I DID want her to experience.  I knew I wanted to be involved in all aspects of her life.  We'd navigate through private preschools, private Kindergarten up to middle school.  I'd save to put braces on her.  (Kali, cover your eyes..shewasathumbsuckerforlongerthanwewanted) I'd sign her up for dance (she didn't like the feeling of tights lol) I'd sign her up for soccer.  She'd blossom first with the notion of new friendships, to then fall into the category of a mom that had a helium arm and ended up being Team Mom on every-single-team she ever played on.  Even High School and Club. I never left her at practices for fear of them needing to use a public bathroom without a mom there to watch for weirdos. I ALWAYS stayed. 

I'd meet some of my closest best friends through soccer.  Last night we celebrated Maria.  Kali and Kaitlyn met when they were 12 playing club soccer, and Maria would embrace me since then. Teaching me a thing or two about college, dedicating our time at middle school events, high school dances (they used to complain Freshman year, to loving us showing up Senior year)- We celebrated Maria last night at the Yacht Club and this picture of Kaitlyn Facetiming Maria with Kali just makes my heart melt. 

I made her a little heart brownie cake....we surprised her.  She had no idea we'd gather some of the troop....

A foster mom of sorts to me. Maria, you're an incredible lady. Maria's birthday is Monday.  

My due date always makes me sentimental. With both Kris and Kali.  It's a day that generally comes and goes in most pregnancies, but I remember saying that date to those that would ask for 9 months. 

Life.

Motherhood.

Friends.

Celebrating chapters.

Due dates.

This morning with coffee I fell into the bliss of my photo boxes I need to take to the lakehouse.  There are pictures of family from the past.  Photos take me right back. To those in this life that made us or broke us. Family and friends are gone, and yet some are here but still absent.  

Photos of happy moments, and yet sometimes I cross pictures and they make me cringe.  Some go right into le trash can. ha. 

Always grateful for my strength. For my willingness to give them a better life.  To do better.

Having a girl has taught me the ropes of decency.  They become a little mother to us as we grow older.  Making sure I text her when I get home.   The sweet stare into the eyes of her mama.  Of protection. Of love.  The girl that shows up on my patio leaving food and meds while we walked through covid-schmovid.  

Grateful to have her by my side in this life.  Girl-hood.  Understanding if one was PMS'n and wanting to knock people out lol, or the lullaby of a song making us get tears.  Or sharing pictures of funny stuff that a girl and her mama would get.  

Planning a wedding, staring at an almost 26-year-old, God willing able to have children of her own someday.....

Here we are.

Daughter.  This mama loves you. You made me understand the courage of loving a female with emotion. With a heart of gold, and yet at times in those teenage days a tongue sharp as a switchblade. 

You've made me a better person.  

Happy Almost 26 Miss. Kali!

This Mama Lisa 

Signs.

 A few months ago, back in December, a neighbor next door at the beach passed away.  From a demon chasing her with addiction, she finally succumbed to her monster.  She was my age. 52. 

In the days leading up to her departure, I went over to say my goodbye.  Sadly enough I was asked to help her to the bathroom.  Not really knowing her well enough to feel completely comfortable with sitting across from her on the toilet holding her hand and holding her up.  I did.  I did it because of womanhood. Motherhood. At one time in her life, she was not fighting those demons.  At one point she chased her little boy around playing hide-n-seek.  At one point in her life, she had the wits to know right from wrong. Her pain or monsters got the best of her.  

The day I met her I was like...Woah. This girl is on something.  We all knew.  But through the 3 years she lived there we kept our hearts open. Time and time again I watched her ruin the day. Her son a mere 18 years of age would leave in a rage of frustration. And yet there was nothing we could do.  Actually, I didn't care to get involved.  Selfishly enough, I was like, I have my own nest of worries, why add more.  And so I didn't.  

At times, especially during the last couple of years in retirement, I look back on a dusty road. A road filled with pain. But also a road filled with Grace.  A road that was so bumpy it threw me off the cart.  Landing on my ass and heart.  So many days working and not wanting to even crawl out of bed. I made it. 

So many times I felt like I couldn't go on in my forge to keep the boat afloat.  For everyone. Including myself. But I did. 

Proud of accomplishing the task of raising two humans.  In that task, you sacrifice many things along the way. It's part of the human right of being birthed. It's them before you.  Then you add in a partner.  Work. Friends. Responsibilities.  

I digress. 

I stared across from the shower ledge I was sitting on holding her hands.  She was pretty out of it. I could still smell alcohol but it wasn't my right or willing to question it among her caretaker.  But I held her hands. It was the first time I've ever witnessed a human leave this Earth. That close.

I said "Julie, I will make sure your son is okay.  I will make sure your kitties are taken care of.  Will you send me signs from wherever you go?" In a weird kind of way, I've always wanted to ask someone to do that for me.  To see what is really out there.

You see, I've questioned Heaven and Hell. 

Hell was presented to me on the night of August 26th, 2015 in an ER Room in Downey. 

I walked through the Hell for many years after. And let me tell you, there are still many days I wake up soaked with fear and rage.  Mostly fear. 

Looking back I was covering my soul with wine or alcohol to help me step across the shit pond. I've since become more conscious of the consequences of it. 

Don't fret my wine drankin' friends, this girl still loves me a good wine, and will hardly ever pass up a good dirty martini-

I just found the middle of the night to haunt me even more.

I've seen Heaven.  I had a moment in Cabo with epiphany moments staring at the shoreline as the yacht we were on all day was heading back to the harbor.  I was staring at the shores of Mexico.  The beautiful country we visit.  The ocean filled with whales.  The clear water rustled by me. The wind was warm. I had braids in my hair.  I had a margarita in my hand.  A watered-down one because I couldn't sip anymore.  I just wanted to soak up the moment.  I had tears filling my eyes, and thought..is this Heaven?

I have friends that pray for me or explain Heaven. I get it. I hope I go there someday where they speak of Golden Gates and the Father waiting to greet me.  Not sure he'll hand me a margarita, but I certainly know that I seek peace.  Finally away from this sadness and grief we all see and feel.

So, I asked my late neighbor Julie to send me signs...and I said like maybe birds or butterflies. Not joking, but she kind of smirked at me.  She was so out of it but the clarity in her eyes she wouldn't take off me was assuring me that she was indeed listening to me.  She had the prettiest green eyes.  Beautiful blonde short hair. I held her hands as she tried to potty and I thought "is this smirk her thinking what the fuck is Lisa doing sitting across from me while I have diarrhea on the toilet" LOL-  

Motherhood. Womanhood. Life.

I helped her back to her bed.  She died 3 days later.  I didn't cry when I left.  I climbed over our planters back to our house and sat with my emotions. 

Wow. That is what the end of addiction looks like.

That is what a mother that wasn't strong enough to fight it off, leaving her only child motherless.

And yet, why blame anything or anyone.  I thought I hope she feels Heaven.

I hope she's there. Wherever that may be. 

So we traveled, here and there.  Going back to our lakehouse in AZ in Jan. I stay a few weeks until I miss the salty air and my girl, and my besties and I drive back. The second trip I do the same. Back and forth. 

Springtime hits and I arrive home.

My tasks are always to unload my car filled with stuff I can't leave at either house.  It's a weird trait I have. (You all know I haul my pillow(s) lol) everywhere...

Then I wash down our patio and dock. 

This Springtime I arrived and boy did the birds come out. 

You guys...

A dove made her nest in a spot that Bill blocked a few years ago. I look up and she's staring down at me like.."hey".... (these are her babies, that have since fledged the nest)

I have Swallows on our tree on the dock. Who has a nest under our dock walkway. A family of Seagulls has caused a complete raucous on the dock. Talk about a mess. A nightly Heron, who's always come at nightfall for fishing.

Crows. Hummingbirds. Crows that we shoo away from the dove nest. This season has been the season of BIRDS.

I was making dinner a couple weeks ago and a little brown bird came to our slider screen and sang a song there by himself, staring into the house.

I stood there and said "Hey Julie" and kinda chuckled. 

Is she out there trying to give me a SIGN?

Is there a Heaven or Hell?

Do the consequences of our life choices take us elsewhere?

Yesterday's news of another shooting doesn't make me want to copy or even read, for that matter, all the memes and pictures people post.  It makes me angry that drug addiction (the shooter's mom) and parenting choices of what a kid must feel.  He was bullied at school.  Do you teach your kids to be kind?

Do you teach your kids that kindness to strangers or to your peers is the way life should be?

It's not about guns. It's not about gun control. 

It's about mental illness. 

IT'S ABOUT FEELING LOVED. READ THAT AGAIN. RESPECTING OUR KIDS AND MAKING THEM FEEL APPRECIATED AND LOVED!

I woke this morning just like all of you and thought, oh my god, those poor parents.  We never want to outlive our babies.  We fight for them. We hold them up when the tides push them back. We stand up higher and higher every time.  Until there comes a time that they control their own. And you sit back and be proud. 

Today, I woke to a beautiful sunrise. I listen to good music.  I pray.  I have since 2015. I pray for Mercy. I pray my birdies stay safe.  I pray Bill stays safe and healthy. I pray for my friends.

The Grace and Mercy we've been shown. My son a first look at a miracle. 

Sometimes I do feel Heaven right here on Earth. 

Sometimes I see and feel Hell on Earth. 

Some don't get that chance. 

Find some peace today friends. Good music. Sunshine (ours just went away again lol).

I'm off to wash off more bird poop......everywhere. (Julie is that you, thanks!Ha!)

And talk about counting each blessing or chance (if that's what we should call it..) These photos right here are proof.  One is a miracle. The rest are complete amazing moments and to me, blessings.

Almost 7 years away from that bumpy dusty Hell Road.....

Don't blink.....

Our baby will be married in a year!

And to my best friend who has carried me through my darkest, hardest, Heaven-God questioning days, Bill.  I love you. 

Songbird

Truth. 

Love and encouragement,

This Mama Lisa

When They Say.....

They grow fast.

Listen.

They fly away and grow with all good intentions.

Listen.

They love you and have your back, all due to your dedication to them.

Listen.

They will find a soul mate someday and take their hand.

Listen.

They will cry and throw tantrums in search of molding you.

Listen.

They will do as the example you live in front of them.

Listen.

They will search for a wedding venue.

Listen.

They will search for a guest list of family and friends. 

Listen.

They will try on a wedding dress and you'll sit in awe.

Listen.

They will show you womanhood like you never imagined.

Listen.

They'll grow faster than you ever knew time could steal.

But it's the greatest view from here.

Watch.

Listen.

To those that tell you the days are long but the years are short.

Listen.

This life is so fast. Listen to those who've walked through those chapters.

Listen.

Such an honor to be her mama. 

Just Like My Father