Peace & Love: New Year. New Me. HA.

I've never been one to claim a resolution at the New Year. It's kinda like setting ~~yourself~~ myself up for failure. In my humble opinion. One year I did stop eating meat. That lasted two months. Maybe three. In-n-Out got the best of me. Still love me a good burger.

What I DID tell myself was to search for peace in mind, body and soul. Maybe just maybe I'd be able to shed some heartbreak and a soul that is a tad bit broken. Some days and months feel harder than others. As odd as this may sound, I have been very close to a breaking point. VERY close. Usually during the winter months. December to be exact. When I say this, it's not about caving in for an exit. But more like staring at myself in the mirror some mornings wondering how I have managed to put one foot in front of the other. I don't say that lightly, and I don't say this for attention. I say this because for my entire life I have been dealt some pretty interesting cards. Well at least back to the age of 5. Then all hell broke loose at 10. I always kept going.

I have never caved.

Sure I've lost my shit on people. Most especially those I love. Sure I've over indulged in cocktails to feel the shame the next morning. Sure I've cried my eyes out before walking out into public places. Sure I've questioned religion. Sure I've lost hope in some family and friends. Sure I've wondered what my purpose is here. I know I've always worked hard to be a good mom. A good partner. And a good friend.

What I have ALWAYS put in the back seat, was my health. Oh, a bump on my skin? Ah, let it go, it'll go away. Oh, a dentist appointment? Oh, I better plan that soon...lol - Oh go to the gym? Nah, that's not for me. LOL-

See the reason I share this is because every.single.time I've walked into our gym, I feel like a big toe. I feel as though I stand out in the dork zone. I've even seen posters that read "No Judgement Zone" but deep down I look at my clothes. My hair. My awkward body. Am I using this machine right? Am I flailing my arms way too much...I am my biggest critic. I DO NOT FEEL COMFORTABLE THERE. So I scadoodle back to the treadmill and feed it my body. My mama body. My body that has carried me around all these years. The body with hands that serve love. The brain that gets overloaded most days. The sleepless eyes. The shoulders that have carried so many burdens.

Strength.

Motherhood.

Aging.

I've got my eye on the stair climbing thing. One day I'll get to it. One day I will climb up and do my thang. For now, I have my favorites.

I've made it my priority. To eat better. To show up.

Being a germaphobe doesn't help.

But I am feeling amazing. Mostly it's making me feel proud of ME.

The journey of mental, physical and a soulful healing heart.

For me.

Peeking around the corner at the big ol' five oh.

This is my time.

This is mama's time to feel better.

To trust God in his plan for me. For my babies. For my handsome dude.

Bill's been down with the Flu all week. If there's one thing I know for sure...I've seen it over and over again....We NEVER realize how good our bodies feel, until they don't. I've not seem him knocked down this bad in a very long time.

For the last 25 years I've picked up major family pieces taking care of everyone. For 30 years as a mom, I've put motherhood and my love to them first.

For almost 50 years I've battled lots of sadness and a torn heart.

This life isn't perfect, but it makes you appreciate those that encourage. Those that love back.

For all the years friends and family would recommend "working out"- I hear you. To my mom, who's a stud with running, AND working out. Thank you.

Health. Life. Pushing through.

And those that show up.

For me, I am proud for showing up.

For me.

For Mama,

For this body of mine.