Peace & Love: Highs. Lows. Triggers. Tears. Laughter.

Let's get straight to the punch and just toss this out there- I am a hot mess this morning.

A sketch by my uncle Wade, to which I will save forever. It's one of my favorites....2019

Started with a silly Adele song while getting ready. PTSD, or triggers(?) can be a hellava thing.

One minute I was rejoicing in my favorite day of the week. Cruising down PCH staring out at a cloudy beach, to the next moment, standing in my favorite juice shop waiting on my juice and I had to step outside because my tears came, and they weren't stopping. I've made friends in there, so I played it off while staring down at beautiful flowers.

But it didn't stop there.

Another bandaid yanking song came on in the darn juice place--

You guys....

I was literally so red and those tears turned into the most lumpy lump in my throat that actually made me go sit in my car.

You see, Kali, my college student at the time made me a CD for my commute back and forth to City Of Hope. On that CD were several Adele songs, along with other artists' that made the mornings a tad bit sweeter, as well as the drive home (remember I was a rebel and would take on the HOV like an asshole and didn't care if I got pulled over). Some afternoons as he came out of the nightmare days, I would snap my fingers and sing along. Crazy to think of how we go through those days.

Making the best days out of the hardest days.

Little did we know.

Little did I know.

Little did he know.

Three years later, EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I. HEAR. ANY. OF. THOSE. SONGS. I run.

Or cry.

Or avoid.

Or change the station.

I tossed the CD in the trash (don't worry Kali understood).

I'm sure the feelings are still weird and raw when Jen hears some of those Adele songs.

Anyway.

Triggers.

The lowest point of my month. Of my week.

Nothing I can't walk through, because I will. And do.

Those that have fought this fight, or walked that shitty walk, or still walk through it (hey Amanda).

Things unfortunately come up later.

What a beautiful weekend we had together. As a family.

My unit together. The nest was full. Dogs and cat included.

Sorry for lack of pictures. No camera out for me, phone tossed on the counter-

Living in the moment.

I'll wait for Kris to purge his picture loot to me later...haha

That Golden Hour....

I had one of my better sales weeks. Our daughter is kicking ass at her new job (so much so, her new bosses sent Bill and I both emails...more on that later)- That girl has big dreams and a pretty fancy taste, so if she wants it, she's gonna earn it.

Kris has looked better these last few weeks than all year. He's challenged daily with little trials of GVHD, and yet you'd NEVER know it. He gets up. Moves. Works and keeps on keepin' on.

Cactus' and succulents are his everything---

Life.

Motherhood.

Chapters.

Imperfect families.

Illness.

Crisis.

Trauma.

Healing.

Still hurting.

And then life is so good.

Like last weekend. And the days that followed. And yesterday.

And tomorrow. God willing I am still here to catch the sunrises and sunsets.

Same for my babies, and same for the love of my life.

I hope you all have a smile filled weekend. Or shit, if you cry like I did this morning, let it all out....just keep staring down at flowers. It's okay to let the pain come and go.

I'll leave you with this baby Kris, not happy with his helmet. 1990.