Highs. Lows. Triggers. Tears. Laughter.

Let's get straight to the punch and just toss this out there- I am a hot mess this morning. 

A sketch by my uncle Wade, to which I will save forever. It's one of my favorites....2019

Started with a silly Adele song while getting ready.   PTSD, or triggers(?) can be a hellava thing.

One minute I was rejoicing in my favorite day of the week.  Cruising down PCH staring out at a cloudy beach, to the next moment, standing in my favorite juice shop waiting on my juice and I had to step outside because my tears came, and they weren't stopping.  I've made friends in there, so I played it off while staring down at beautiful flowers. 

But it didn't stop there. 

Another bandaid yanking song came on in the darn juice place--

You guys....

I was literally so red and those tears turned into the most lumpy lump in my throat that actually made me go sit in my car.

You see, Kali, my college student at the time made me a CD for my commute back and forth to City Of Hope.  On that CD were several Adele songs, along with other artists' that made the mornings a tad bit sweeter, as well as the drive home (remember I was a rebel and would take on the HOV like an asshole and didn't care if I got pulled over).  Some afternoons as he came out of the nightmare days, I would snap my fingers and sing along.  Crazy to think of how we go through those days. 

Making the best days out of the hardest days.

Little did we know.

Little did I know.

Little did he know.

Three years later,  EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I. HEAR. ANY. OF. THOSE. SONGS.  I run.

Or cry.

Or avoid.

Or change the station. 

I tossed the CD in the trash (don't worry Kali understood).

I'm sure the feelings are still weird and raw when Jen hears some of those Adele songs.

Anyway.

Triggers.

The lowest point of my month. Of my week.

Nothing I can't walk through, because I will. And do. 

Those that have fought this fight, or walked that shitty walk, or still walk through it (hey Amanda).

Things unfortunately come up later.

What a beautiful weekend we had together.  As a family.

My unit together.  The nest was full. Dogs and cat included.

Sorry for lack of pictures. No camera out for me, phone tossed on the counter-

Living in the moment.  

I'll wait for Kris to purge his picture loot to me later...haha

That Golden Hour....

I had one of my better sales weeks.  Our daughter is kicking ass at her new job (so much so, her new bosses sent Bill and I both emails...more on that later)- That girl has big dreams and a pretty fancy taste, so if she wants it, she's gonna earn it.  

Kris has looked better these last few weeks than all year.  He's challenged daily with little trials of GVHD, and yet you'd NEVER know it. He gets up. Moves. Works and keeps on keepin' on. 

Cactus' and succulents are his everything---

Life.

Motherhood.

Chapters.

Imperfect families.

Illness.

Crisis.

Trauma. 

Healing.

Still hurting.

And then life is so good.

Like last weekend. And the days that followed.  And yesterday. 

And tomorrow.  God willing I am still here to catch the sunrises and sunsets.

Same for my babies, and same for the love of my life.

I hope you all have a smile filled weekend.  Or shit, if you cry like I did this morning, let it all out....just keep staring down at flowers.  It's okay to let the pain come and go.

I'll leave you with this baby Kris, not happy with his helmet.  1990.

Which is his mama 29 years later dealing with trauma repair and a healing heart. 

Maybe shark week is here again.

Boobs hurt and are huge. well for me. -- yo-dang guurrll..

Maybe the clouds.

Maybe the reality of the storm we left behind.

Beautiful weekend to you all ---

Love,

This Mama Lisa

PS- 

Celebrated Gaylord last night and our gift to him was a big ol' bag of lollipops.

Ninety Two, and watermelon feels just fine...

Little cutie patootie....

Three More Gemini's--

 This sharp shooter is NINETY TWO Today! He's filled with wit, charm and most of all such history. 

I've heard countless stories from customers throughout the years...some are just out-right hysterical.

Happy Birthday to Gaylord!  

My bestfriend, my second mom, my leadership mentor, my dinner date therapist, my wine sharing friend..Maria! Happy Birthday!

Love you love YOU!

  

I hope you stay healthy, safe and in my life forever and EVER.

And CHEERS to Corey aka "Bear" whom is a childhood friend to Kris and worked along side me for 6 years- I still miss our chats in the afternoon...

May you stay safe and healthy.  So proud of you!

Love you Bear!

This concludes my Gemini birthday rundown...

Wishing you all a great Friday Eve!

This Mama Lisa

Twenty Three Our Baby Bird...Happy Birthday Kali.....

23 years ago at 5:45pm after a very quick, natural and amazing birth I was staring down at a massive amount of black hair.  Hair so wild my own soft caress of mama hands couldn't lay it down.  

Cried like a baby bird for weeks and months.

I did too.

Only a cheap blow dryer on a low setting would ease her little big cries.  And that blow dryer would be on the swing tucked in the farthest corner of the house so we could eat dinner.  LOL!

I'd carry her around in my little sling whenever I could during those first few months.

They said it was colic.  They said it was MY consumption of dairy.  They said it would go away. 

It did. 

I stared across from her over the weekend at a dinner table catching eyes of laughter over certain things and all I could think of is my pride in raising her. 

She's got what it takes to make this world a better place.

I can remember staring deep into her eyes at a few weeks old pondering my worth to her.
Did she feel the love I was trying to show.
Did she see my exhaustion.
Did she know I'd fight like hell for the rest of my days to keep her safe.
Did she know I would love harder during the teen years to teach her lessons.
To protect her.

Those beginning weeks were brutal. And yet you have no idea what evolves with a daughter.
Never wanting to feel like a best friend, because motherhood is more than that. It's teaching lessons. It's saying no to things I wanted to say yes to. It's holding curfews.  It's showing up at all the events  *egh um, school xmas programs shoot me in the foot lol. 
It's having my helium arm and raising that arm to volunteer at every single team she played on.
It's showing up to soccer fields when fog rolled across on those early Saturday mornings because she wanted to be there first.
(my punctual patty)
It's putting my hand on her little leg in those parking lots giving her pep talks that she'd do just fine, to have her, at times, move my hand.  (because moms don't really know everything, riiiigght?)

I still can't believe she is twenty three.

It seems like yesterday she was turning 5.
Then sixteen.

5 years. Got that honey badger smile from her mama on fleek.
I know its a picture of a picture, that's just how I roll, but can we just look at those legs.
Bruised knees, sprinkled with a little le'blood.
My tomboy at heart, with dreams to be treated like a princess.

I get you girl.
I get you.

Happy Birthday my little Gemini. 

My fierce spirited, strong willed, super intelligent daughter. 

I hope I am lucky enough to watch so many more chapters. 

Keep doing what works for you.  What works for your little tribe.  Mozy included. ha!

Stay loyal to yourself, and to those you love.

Never ever look back.

Ha!!

Each sunrise and each sunset count your blessings...(shout out to Grant, thee most amazing dude, you guys make a great team, that's for sure)

Happy Birthday Kee!  Beep!

I'm so lucky to stare across the room at you now and smile with acknowledgement.

Motherhood.

My love is deeper than you might know.

Well, until you have a daughter of your own.

This Mama Lisa

I dedicated this song to her at Kindergarten Graduation...still rings true..

I Hope You Dance.....

Could. Watch. Them. All. Day. Everyday.

I'm enamored by these eagles.

By their strength.

In all conditions and elements.

Big Bear Eagles

Little More Info On Them....

Fresh out the womb, and one super stoked big brother....LOL!!!

I CAN'T stare all day or I wouldn't get a thing done, but it's my go-to for a time killer for sure.

If you aren't into birds, nests' and wildlife...move along kids, move along...to each their own, trust me I understand.

I love me some nature! 

Just don't ask me to go camping in a tent. 

No bueno. 

How bout' my birdies, didn't they look so happy?!!

Let's just rejoice in the fact that they turned out to be pretty decent adults!

In my bird-mom humble opinion....

Can I get an amen....AMEN!

Happy Thursday!

This Mama-Bird Lisa

Truth.

Often times when I am composing a blog post I tend to evaluate whether it comes off as harsh, boasty, sassy, kind, mean, honest, or sad. 

It's just the element of blogging.  The thing about me is I have been to hell and back and hell and back and hell and back and I have ALWAYS picked myself up off the floor and out of the bed and kept going. And. It. Has. Not. Been. Easy. 

We have been betrayed, scared shitless over health related topics (still scared shitless many days over this fucked up journey with cancer) and yet we keep our chin up and we keep on keepin' on. 

Sure it helps to have a partner in one another. Truly, if it weren't for our relationship I'm not sure how I would be able to continue on. He knows that. I know that.  We both know that.

That's what makes these chapters worth fighting for. 

Motherhood will make you do incredible things, and having someone to push you through it, makes it all a tad bit easier. 

My point being here, is please don't take my blog posts' of silliness out of context.  Meaning, don't slip on your judgy underwear too fast, because lets be honest here kids, no one is perfect. 

And if you're perfect, please send that juice here. I'll drink it.

And if  you feel the desire to judge me by what I say, wear, style, or words, think twice.

This picture below is 5 days before I would be called by the nurse at Kaiser to get my son to ER immediately.

Birthday Dinner August 2015

He was basically dying at this birthday dinner. 6 days later we'd be in ER fighting for his life. 

These were the pictures my best friends were sending me to keep my spirits bright....

These girls that held me up.  Literally.  And figuratively. 

 

Our lives would FOREVER be changed. Stained with fear.

 And so if you wonder how people go on, and move forward, they just do.

There's no other choice but to pick up the pieces and just love harder.

You appreciate the moments of silly. Of goodness.

Of laughter. 

Trust me.

Remember, we all row in the same boat.  We all get up and work hard (well most of us). We all have fears and desires.  We all suffer through anguish, sickness, and heartbreak.

It's how you push through during your darkest days. 

Remember your worth.  YOU are worth it.  Don't give up!

Most of us have been to hell and back and hell and back....it's how you tolerate the getting back up part. 

Keep swimming.  And don't look back.  Pray hard, and love hard on the one you're with.  If you can't do that, then move forward.  

I hope this Wet Wednesday offers you nice text messages from friends. Or family.

Or even better, some good wine.  Or a good Marg. 

Ok, now back to my silly ol' self...

Hang on, or let go, just don't give up!  Someone always has this life way worse than you!

This Mama Lisa

Same.

2003- Look at the sunglasses.  So HAWT!

You're welcome.  

If you know, you know...

Not here for a long time....

And the crowd yells...."Just a good time"!

Happy Tuesday!

This Mama Lisa

My Humble Opinion.

Well, howya doin kids?

Your weekend? 

Ours was peaceful, sweet and quiet. 

Friday I made dinner for our birdies-

A simple dinner for me to put together after another very full week. I will always flourish when I see Kris gobble gobble his meal down, and ask for seconds.  Even better, when he eats dessert.  Swoon.

Kali brought Mozy over, so it was a house filled with pups, kitty, kids and lots of love.

And laughter.  

I dozed off a happy mama, that's for sure.

I picked up Kali on Saturday morning to meet Kris at a Cactus Show at Bixby Knolls (Rancho Los Alamitos Ranch) 

Haven't been? 

Go.

Rancho Los Alamitos

They offer tours, and such delight to your eyes and soul. 

I promise.

Kris was there in full cactus mode.  That boy is engulfed in cactus and all botanical right now.

Cactus shirt on, dogs in wagon, his friend Stephanie, and camera in hand.

All I could see was one super happy dude.

= Happy Mama

Anyhoooooo, I hope your weekend was good --

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

I drafted this post last week.  

Read with an open mind ---

CBD-THC-Mary-Jane.

Not just my humble opinion, but many others whom share the same belief in its herbal benefits.

I had a couple of texts' from friends/neighbor that are curious about edibles and just how much I've experienced. 

For those that might not be aware, I have been exposed to Marijuana my entire life.  

Fast forward through concerts, parties, etc.  I'd take a puff off a joint. Choke.  And then get super paranoid.  This has gone on my entire adult life. A reason I don't use it. 

Enter, edibles. 

Back when Kris was first diagnosed I was in a frantic state trying to find CBD, magic sauce, juju, potions and lotions to help my boy.  Not so much (although I hoped for) to cover western medicine, but more to help him with side effect of the treatment itself.  Something that I strongly encourage for those in chemo.  Those oils we bought helped. 1000%.  

So I had to find a doctor that would give me a prescription to buy it.  Found a place.  Bill and I drove there. Sat in a waiting room with 3 other professionals.  Wearing suits, and business attire.  They'd wait just like us to get a "medical checkup"-  

I was nervous, but mostly nervous for Bill whom had a look on his face like "what the fudge did we get ourselves into"  - Meanwhile I gave zeroshits because I just wanted to save my son. And if an oil, or tincture made from a plant would possibly help him.  Sign me up.  Like now.

He uses it every day since transplant.  He's always been extremely brutally honest with his doctors.  He always has.  Sometimes too honest.  That boy speaks from his heart, and while sick he blurted out some pretty funny things to them.  Lets just say they know him VERY well.  At times he'd lay into them about XYZ and I'd squirm in my chair, but be reminded by my sister that he deserves to speak his mind. 

The doctors agreed, and twice his first oncologist reached out to us to help other families in need.

I've attached this website for your research. 

Keep an open mind with it.  CBD and THC are two different components. Although derived from the same plant, they offer different feelings.  I've tried both. 

Do what is best for you.  Just don't be shallow in helping yourself or others that are in the fight.

Want good sleep?  Get THC edibles.  Start with a light dose and move around accordingly.

Worse case scenario, you'll have to hold onto a wall to go pee at 2am.
#trustme

We were told on several occasions to not mix supplemental vitamins (protein powders, essential oils, etc) while in treatment.  Simply because the meds he's on have been studied to work WITHOUT those elements.  However, they have NEVER doubted his use (oral) with those oils.  They do not like him smoking it simply because of the radiation he's already been exposed to. Along with his lungs and their capacity.

Go to your local Collective Store and check it out.  

Do your homework.

CBD Information on Medical Marijuana

"Don't Blink"-  This picture taken the month our kids left for college.
To know all we'd endure in between then and now...

Incredible

Love you my friends...

This Mama Lisa

Friday's Words.

Read it once, and read it again if you don't comprehend the first time.

YOU have the choice to change YOUR forever.

Three kinds of ‘forever’

There’s the forever of discomfort. Sasha Dichter taught us about this. The feeling we get during a temporary situation that feels like it’s going to last forever.

It’s one thing to tolerate a bumpy landing on an airplane, because you know it’ll be over in ten seconds.

But, a car-sick toddler doesn’t have that perspective. He’s wailing and sad because he thinks that this is the new normal, a permanent situation.

Too often, we quit in the dip. Not because we can’t tolerate discomfort for an hour, a week or a month, but because we mistakenly believe that it might last forever.

There’s the forever of plenty. This is when we erroneously assume that the stuff that’s good is going to stay good. That this moment, this leverage, these resources–we can squander them because they’ll be here tomorrow.

This sort of forever leads to heartbreak, because, inevitably, it doesn’t last. It can’t.

And there’s the forever of never. The dominant narrative of society is that you’re stuck with what you’ve got. Stuck in your status role, stuck in your skill set, stuck in your situation.

If you believe it, it’s probably true.

If you believe it, you just let yourself off the hook, which is comforting indeed.

And if you believe it, you’ve made life easier for the systems that would like to pigeonhole you.

But, even though it’s certainly harder than it ought to be, it doesn’t have to be forever.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Wishing you all a great weekend. Although I didn't sleep well last night (skipped a night of edibles.lol) I did wake to birds chirping, sunshine peeking through our windows, and lots of happy energy in the air.  

There's a full moon tonight and tomorrow friends...so hang tight to your words.  Don't spout before thinking it through.  Hold that finger on a text that might be offending.  Share manners more than ever.  And smile at those in need.  Remember, everyone is fighting some sort of battle. Could be heartbreak. Could be a breakup and broken heart.  Could be family issues.  Could be addiction.  Could be change.

Be kind to YOU.  And be kind to others. Most especially with this moon phase.

And go in peace on this fine Friday....

And if you wonder what pictures will make me crack up forever, and ever?

These.

Kali's Going Away To College Gathering

HAHAHAHA!!!!  

Go to Bill and Lisa's parties, it'll be fun they said. 

 Ok, and would you just look at Bill and Carmen just casually sitting around a table chatting. LOL!!!!

She's still sitting with legs crossed.....omg ROARLOLZZZ!!

Look how small Crue was...

And Jordan...

Omg.

"Those were the days"

Oh, you know just casually standing around a picnic table Lynda---HAHAHA!

Best laugh today.  

Later nerds......

Be good, or be bad, just keep it clean!

This Mama Lisa

Protectors. Parenthood.

My favorite thing to gaze at right now...

Big Bear Eagles. Protectors. Parenthood

I stare at each eagle that lands. Protecting their offspring. From beginning to soaring (we hope).

In the rain.

In the wind.

Fierce.

Motherhood.

Loving-hood.

April 27th, 2019-Arriving home to see my birdie on the dock with the doggo's. #happymama

Honey badger smile and all...

This Mama Lisa

The protector.

In the sunshine.

In the rain.

In the wind.

Happy Friday Eve--

Cheers to you Russ!  We miss you!