Twenty One.

Dear Kali,

You're loyal to the core.  You are stubborn but only to a degree.  You tend to become more and more like me with your ocd ways, and yet you've got a new side of yourself that shrugs off petty things better than I ever have.  You were such a screaming cry baby as a newborn, culminating soon into a bucked tooth child, and then quickly a teenager with a mild sense of attitude.  Only snapping at us when we'd run late to a game, or practice.  You rocked through high school like a boss, and navigated your decisions to head off to college like a young adult should.  Sacrificing losing a relationship in the process.  You always lean on me for advice, most always sharing details of shit that is hitting the fan.  I'm always impressed by your means of handling it. You seemed to have turned 2 like yesterday.  It's surreal to say twenty one.

You're a hard working person, with a dedication to education like no other.  It surely must be the reason for your migraines, and heart palpitations during finals season.  You love animals like your brother, but you sure get a kick when they are innocently scared for a quick second and
they jump in the air. Your laugh is out of control.  You loved that wrap up above and would ask for "up-up mama" when you became tired.  I searched for help through Le Leche League when you were a few weeks old because I just could not get the hang of breast feeding.  They wrapped their arms around me teaching me patience, and soft whispers to you to slow down, which helped us both. She also gave me this wrap as a token of love.  I carried you in it every evening during the "screaming hours" until this wrap became a token of comfort to you.  And so as the story goes, I carried you a little too long, yet can't remember the very last time.  We still have this wrap. My hopes for you to carry your babe in it someday is huge. You potty trained yourself just before turning two.  You loved to nurse every evening before bed as you strolled your fingers through my hair.  Those moments I wish I had a video of, because I loved to nurse you. Moments with you I cannot get back.
An ode to this new day in age, where I'm quite sure you'll have videos of your baby nursing. Allowing yourself the chance to peek back.
In time.
Time that moves so so quickly.

You love to dance, and most always have your station set to ghetto rap music. A party is a party when you can dance.  You love heels and dressing up. You've taught me a thing or two about good makeup and bad makeup.  Meaning, that expensive stuff is over-rated.  But I'll watch you learn as you earn money. You are very organized and one of the most punctual persons I know. If someone is making you late, they'd better watch out. 

You tie up a boat better than some dudes.  I

remember once as a little 7 year old, you tied up the boat and amazed all those around us.  Launching and pullin the boat out is another story for another day, but we're working on that lol. 

The other night you and I slept in the same bed and I woke quite a few times, staring across at you in the dim lit room.  It took me back to your little girl days when you'd sleep with me.  Your dark hair lining your forehead. The way you slept was exactly the same.

I kept the vision with me all morning.

You're not a huggy huggy type of person, but if someone is in need, you'll drop everything to make them feel better.  You love healthy eating, yet will indulge every once in a while on something totally sinful.  You've always been strong, but when you're mad, you cry. Otherwise you are not a crier.  You don't like awkward conversations with me.  You especially hate to see me cry. When it comes to love or relationship stuff you tend to cut it pretty short.  Giving me what I need to know, but you'll shut me down if I probe too much.  Your brother is the complete opposite. Go figure you'd think the girl would indulge more. 

You have a desire for manners, just like your brother. You've been insulted quite a few times as you serve the public.  Pleases and thank you's are huge for you.  Along with general kindness.  I feel you so much on this.  Which is my general need to always
offer kindness. 

There have been times when I'm too outspoken and will stand up and talk the shit when and and where needed to get stuff done.  You become overwhelmed and will try to stop me. All in good timing you'll grow a back bone that will most likely offer you the same spirit.  Life lessons will toughen you up some day. Sadly, it's true.

My prayer for you is safety, good health, and a love for your family as ours.  As well as your strength and love to build them too. I pray I see you birth a child someday, along with feeling the love from a child.  To feel a baby inside of you is an honor as a woman.  I pray you feel it. 

You're a strong woman with good morals and values, and I wish the best of this life.  You'll climb mountains you never knew you could.  You'll be handed news that you'd never want to hear, and yet listen to mama, you WILL GET THROUGH.

You'll go through friendships and learn that not everyone is cut out for you.  As the same for them. You might not be everyone's cup of tea.  And that's okay.  Because friends are endless.  You just keep sorting through to the ones meant for you.

There's so many things I want to remember in your life.  Of the twenty one years you've been here.  And yet, I can't remember the very last time I held you.  Or the last spoonful of baby food. Or the last nurse. Or the last time we held hands in public.

I guess life is just that way.  You'll absorb just what is needed, and your heart fills with those memories for that purpose.  And then you'll forget the bad moments. Like terrible car rides on the way to school where I yelled at you.  Or drove away after saying rude comments to one another.

When you asked to head to Vegas for your twenty first birthday, my first thought was ew.  The smoky town, the hustle and bustle of gambling people.  All of those things of which I don't like.  But then I thought, this isn't about me. This isn't about what I want. This is what she wants.  And just like all the other life lessons, you'll make your own story and views of that town.

In this big life, you'll most definitely lean back towards mom some how and some way as you navigate.  It's just the inevitable. You might remember our good times, and sometimes you'll remember the hard times.  When I found out I was having a girl, the first thing that came to my mind was a friend I will have forever.

I will never crush you.  I will never betray you.  I will never stop fighting for you.  With whatever you choose.  These last twenty one years have been just that.

 Kailyn, I hope I am here with you on this Earth for many many more years.  I hope I get to experience all the goodness it hands you.  I hope I'm here for the hard ones too, because if there's one person that roams this Earth, whom is willing, it's me.

I raise my glass to you sweet twenty one year old:  To new dreams, old dreams, and all the little dreams I don't even know are there. I hope you dance, as the song says I dedicated to you at Kindergarten graduation. I hope you find beauty in messes.  And sunshine on the cloudy days.

Remember one thing. YOU are worth it all.

To me, you'll always be my little girl.

Or birdie.

Whichever sounds good at the time.

I love you Kali.  Happy 21 years on this Earth!

May God protect you from now, until forever.

This mama of yours forever.

****************************************************************************

Disclaimer:  It is with heartfelt sadness that I let you know I wrote this blog to Kali a few weeks ago.  Within that time their biological father left this Earth on Sunday. A day before her birthday.  Something I knew but waited to tell her the day after.  Serving her brunch cowardly holding it in. Again, the protection mode us mama birds fall in front of.  It's a story that is deep and hard. It's a story that isn't really mine to share, because it's his and theirs.  They say when people are here we should give eulogies and share the good things we feel about them, trying to forget the hard troubled times.  And I'll do just that.  He gave me two beautiful souls and humans.  He loved them so much, yet battled a war inside on his terms.  And sometimes not on his terms.  At the end, it wasn't on his terms. 

I've had a very full plate this week.   For those that have left messages, texts', emails and love, I thank you.  I've tucked away like a little clam again.  Handling what I need to, and sorting to the side what I want to. 

I'm not avoiding anyone, I just don't feel any desire to share more of his story.  Right now I'm giving him the dignity I promised him I would.  Handling the delicate parts of leaving this earth for his wife, whom he worried the most about upon his flight out of here.

And that I will do.

We're mourning.  

Spread love, share kindness and learn to forgive.  Because all of the sudden, you can't call them anymore.  For anything.  Even words of forgiveness.  Or sorry.  

May peace be with you. 

Especially you Mike.  Especially you. You deserve to be free....fly fly up up and away...

I promise, as I told you in those last weeks, Bill and I will take loving good care of our birdies...

Be free. 

This Mama Lisa

Friday, I LOVE you.

Well, we made it! Another Friday, and a beautiful one too!

I took this picture last Saturday at Open Sesame in Long Beach.  A little Mother's Day lunch from my dude. It makes my heart full just looking at this because that lunch was so yummy and peaceful.  This little fur ball sat across from me like a good boy and just like that the entire time. 

I hope your weekend is peaceful, and full of what makes you happy.  YOU first. 

Much love to you.

This Mama Lisa

With Age Comes Cooking

Not sure if any of this rings true for you, but is surely has for me. The older I get, the more I love to dive into a great recipe. Preparing a delicious meal. The thing about me, is I LOVE serving my family.  Even if it's just for my dude. And me. LOL.  The good thing about preparing big meals on the weekend is enjoying it for a few more lunches, or dinners.  

I'm sharing my most favorite foodie right now.  Jessica Seinfeld. Jessica Seinfeld She's witty, she's funny, and to me she's got a great taste for food.  Some days we want broccoli, and some days we NEED a donut.  I've always believed in eating whatever your heart desires. Moderation is key.  Also, keepin' a move helps that donut keep a move out. lol.

Kali bought me her new cookbook for Mother's Day.

I laughed out loud in her introduction how she doesn't like capers.  I LOVE capers.  But I CANNOT stand PEAS. Ew. Like, get them OFF my plate.  Fast. 

I'm sharing two amazing recipes today.  Both of which are amazing.  Of course tweak it any way you need to.  For instance, the desire of keeping gluten free flour in my home, isn't a priority. For some however, I get it. To each their own, right?

Orange Chicken With Rosemary

Also, my other favorite....

Crispy Sea Bass with lemon

One of my favorite things to do is fancy up my french bread, and I always get fancier with my rice.  Adding tid bits of whatever to up the flavor. My mom taught me to balance every meal you cook.   There will always be a veggie, and there most always is a starch.  Old school here kids, old school. 

This weekend however I will make platters of Eggplant Parmesan.  They become better the day after.  Especially if served with pasta. 

I hope you all had a good week.  Mine was full of work, nurturing, loving, and laughing when I can. 

I'll send you off with this beauty......

June 1996

And one more for the road...

May love, light and good people cross your path....

Kris and Kali, I love you.  

Bill, keep hanging in there....I'm still searching for that hoist to drop you in the boat.   I'm close.  LOL

This Mama Lisa

Complimenti!

Kali received the final email last night confirming her study abroad has been approved.  We had the sweetest Sunday all together, and if I'm keeping things honest here, I totally felt as if she's not so attached to my hip as she once was. And when I say this, I mean my lasso not harnessing her (lol). I slept with her on Sunday night because Bill is still on the mend, so I've taken over Kali's bed.  In doing so, a few times in the night I caught glimpses of her silhouette as she slept. More so than the silhouette, I could see her little cheeks. Her dark brown hair streaming across her big brown closed eyes.  I caught myself staring at her.  Early morning alarm rang, and she was out of the house back towards her home and her life.  She had a meeting, work, and the final touches on her acceptance to study abroad in Florence Italy.  Something we talked very lightly about on Mother's Day.  Catching myself boasting to others, more so than actually talking with Kali about it.  

We texted funny things back and forth yesterday, and soon we'd end the night with a huge congrats with her acceptance.  So many details go into this decision.  None of which consisted of my insecurities.  

And for those that know me, I have many.  None in the face of relationships, work, business or money. Mine have always been the topic of my children. 

Not once have I felt sad, scared, or worried over this.  Something in my gut said, "if she's ready to do this, she must be".  And so I left it at that. 

Because truthfully, this is amazing. 

Truly, one hundred and ten percent, amazing. 

Her boyfriend studied abroad his second year.  His shared stories helping her to make this decision just a tad bit easier.  It's never easy stepping away from your love for a few months. 

As she was younger I always wondered a few things.  One, would she ever leave the net of safety from me.  Meaning, would she withstand the strength it takes to actually pull away from her mama's worry.  Her brother has had no choice.  Kali on the other-hand has been strong willed from day one.  

Second, I wondered if she would ever take a leap and make a big decision such as this.

She'll spend the duration of summer and fall over there.  She'll celebrate Christmas over there.  She'll taste, smell and endure another part of this world.  Learning. Living. Experiencing. Life.

Kali, I am so proud of you. When you were graduating from kindergarten I played this song for you. And as you sucked your thumb in the back seat, I wondered when the words would really ring true. 

So I ask that you listen to it again.  And just remember how proud you've made dad and I. 

Don't look back.  Just work hard and never stop loving what your heart tells you to love.  If it's not too nerdy, listen to the song I dedicated to you in kindergarten. 

I still feel the same today.

"I Hope You Dance"

"I hope you don't fear those mountains in the distance"

Congrats my sweet baby birdie...."Complimenti"! 

This Mama Lisa

For those of you wondering how my Mother's Day was. 

 Incredible. 

I will never forget him asking to snap this shot.  And his gentle kiss atop my hat. 

Pure love. 

I love you Kris and Kali. 

The years become sweeter and sweeter as the pages and chapters close.  My babies are my everything.  And then some. 

Kali drove home surprising me with a cookbook I wanted (Food Swings By Jesse Seinfeld) along with flowers from my favorite florist Devynn's Garden and Green Iced Tea from SB.  Kris and Jenny would arrive after a long flight home from Panama. Holding flowers from the same florist along with a bracelet made in Panama.  The cute part was there are 2 K's embroidered in it, not intentional.  As I say to the kids, it's all the little sweet signs.  LOVE.  

And Just Like That.....

Another week in the books.  Or shall I say pages in the chapter.

I'm at a loss for words. Again.  

Strange. 

Kinda wondering if my mind is so full of things, that the over flow of words are lost. 

A tad bit sad if you ask me. 

I'll leave you with a few pictures of the week. 

My last and hopefully final shot in his belly.  Sorry for the graphic sight to see, but hey if this chicken-little can do this, you can see what it was like. 

I still am amazed at what life has thrown at me.  At us.  

It's like the strength building stars are aligned just for me.  For us. 

 A visit with his Dad. Almost 90.  Sharp as a tack. And witty as a clown at times.  

These came out this week.  As the awkward nurse started to remove them, I played reggae on my ipad.  I, for some reason had this terrible feeling in my stomach. The desire to walk out of the room again.  To leave like a coward, and then I thought, LISA, STOP. (Note to Aunt Ronda & Uncle Wade, the song that came on was "Every little thing is gonna be alright"-Always always always at the right time...signs)

On Wednesday I received a text from Kali with sincere overwhelming content.  Finals, papers, and the check list done for abroad studies.  She becomes overwhelmed every.single.semester at Finals' time.  

Kali, you make me proud.  You make mama happy to be a mom.  I read the email you sent your professor to dad, and as I did, I choked up.  I am so honored to have raised such an amazing girl. You set your goals, and you've pushed hard to achieve them.  Nothing has stopped you.  Nothing should stop you.  I know at times you feel like I've made you handle things on your own.  You've been put to the side behind your brother, your dad and business. It's not easy to navigate through some things in life. However, I will tell you this.  In this life, the more you navigate on your own, and the more you learn through trial and error, the stronger and better you will be. 

I know this by experience. I trust you. I trust your decisions.  You make me so incredibly proud.  And through it all, when the world seems lonely and you feel like you're making things happen for yourself, just know, I am your biggest fan. I am the one who will cheer you on, through good and bad, for the rest of my life. 

To Kris, when you read this, I hope you know how happy I am to be your mom.  How you've taught me lessons in this life that I never knew where remotely possible.  I can remember times of complete distraught and the moments of felt failure.  And yet, things happened for a reason.  Raising a son, is way different than raising a daughter.  You've made me proud in your spirit.  Through the hard days you've kept a smile.  Through the days filled with tears, you've managed to wipe them off of my face. Checking in with a true soul and spirit because you sense and see when I am tired.  You get me more than others some days.  I hope you keep living a healthy and happy life. I am happy to hear you call me mom.

 I love you 

Panama May 2017 (Best part of this picture is the deet mosquito repellent in his back pocket-boom!)

To all the moms out there, including mine whom doesn't read this blog.  Happy Mothers Day. 

The hardwork, sleepless nights, never ending yummy meals prepared by your hands.  The tears, and the therapy it takes to raise children.  Happy Mothers Day.  To the single moms out there doing double duty and working your asses off to provide, happy mothers day.  

To the mothers that have lost their children, remember the gift of child birth and feeling life inside of you.  It's because of you.  Hold tight to the memories.  

To my girlfriends, and my rocks, you ARE AMAZING MOMS. 

I hope you all have a beautiful weekend.  Enjoy the sunshine. Enjoy the love. 

Go water your garden.  Whatever your garden is.  Water it. 

Love and PEACE.

This Mama Lisa

On Grace

Hey friends....

I've had such bad writers block lately. So much so, I wonder if my blogging career is slowly coming to an end.  What started out as a journal for my kids back in 2008 slowly turned into a diary of our lives. What's so interesting is to go back and read.  The different running themes of our lives.  The chapters of good times, and the chapters of bad times.  There's blog posts where life seems so full of goodness.  So full of silly.  So full of happiness.  And then I'll read another post where shit hits the fan splattering it all over. 

  

(December 2013 before shit hit the fan-LOL)

 The last few weeks have been so beyond interesting.  It's been equally enlightening too.  The unfamiliar territory of working here without my partner, along with the uncharted waters at night handling all the little things we've both handled individually for years.  We all take for granted just how easy a shower is. How dressing oneself with 60 staples covered under your brace.  How the pain of just getting from point A to point B is really real.  How administering a shot to his belly each day became so mundane. 

 I will be a happy lady if I NEVER have to stare at a Kaiser hospital room again.  Seriously. 

Our first outing this weekend.  Dave's place in Seal Beach.  Glass of Guinness for mama. 

Crawling into bed in another room because I can't risk bumping that leg.  Everything is just so so different.  I guess I was right in the suggestion to never take a day, or thing for granted.  You just can't.  What seems just like a gnarly broken bone has simply flipped our little world upside down.  Although I have to say, we've always held on tight to one another. So no stopping us there.  We laugh through the storms.  Shit storms and all. I've barked. He's politely barked (LOL-don't bite the hand that feeds you?) jk-  

He's had visits from people he hasn't seen in a few years.  Old friends stopping by to give love, and Cheezit's for me because I LOVE Cheezits, so thank you very much Duane.  

His brother came down and spent the day with him.  His sister came twice with meals. His aunt Sharon brought us the most amazing mexican lasagna. 

I've had more sweet messages from friends. Messages from family.  And most important, messages from Bill as I work.  I have to say, it's awfully strange without him at the office.  Not that it matters, but adding a few more hats to my head have been a little interesting.  Toss in shark week, and the Earth shook a little last week.  BUT.... I held it together.  I may have eaten everything in sight, but I held it together.  

So there you have it kids, no new news, but no old news.  We're here.  Headed back to doctor tmrw. We have a list of questions.  A list of what's next.  A list of concerns, as well as my list of suggestions. One birdie is settling in with finals, and experienced her first human violation of having her car broken into.  Having all her tip money (hard earned money) stolen from her car yesterday.  A car that wasn't locked.  Parked in front of a her "nice" house, in a very nice neighborhood. (QUOTED FROM KALI SEPT 2016-Mom, don't stress on us locking our front door of our house, we live in a really nice neighborhood, and like, we just don't get all stressed and freaked out like you do). 

Her words to me yesterday very early morning were the exact opposite.  The "mom and dad" words we all tend to eventually eat in this life right? The words our parents share with us, and yet, at the time they don't make sense.  Or actually even matter.  And so with experience, you learn.  

The hard way.

  

I held my compassionate tone, yet mixed it with a sprinkle of "I told you so".

Sorry, not sorry. 

Our other birdies are in Panama enjoying a much needed far-away vacation.  Living a life they've worked hard for, or if I'm keeping things real here, have deserved after fighting to stay alive.  

Life keeps moving.  In directions we don't necessarily expect, yet continue to surprise ourselves with strength and endurance we'd never know possible.  

We continue to love hard, when at times we'd want to crumble.  There have been a few times in the last couple of days where I drew my breath in, and let it out as tears welled up.  Reminding myself that this is temporary.  The small things that feel like big things will pass.  Some people out in this world that have it way worse. 

Over the last year of mine where some months seem to have been longer than others.  While others were spent laying next to the pool, sipping a blended margarita at noon on my birthday.  Reading all the messages filled with love.  I was treated to a wonderful massage that morning from Bill.  Handing me all the love and peace to rest my soul.  Not knowing what would unfold within weeks. I can remember staring out at the lake and thinking, "wow, soak this up Lisa, soak it up".

I still pray day and night. I pray for my kids.  I pray for work, and life. I pray for safety and good answers.  I pray for my sons next doctor visit next week.  Where I'll sway my soul back into labs, and back into answers for meds.  Weaning, moving and changing. 

Kali has decided her path will take her to Italy in August.  Weaning herself for a few short months away to experience what life and this Mother Earth has to offer.  Leaving love for a semester. Separating herself from normalcy.  To experience change.  To celebrate her good grades, and the chance her parents allowed.  To miss the one she loves so she can come back with a fuller heart.  It's truly and purely a sacrifice.  Love will always outweigh distance.  Distance will always bring love closer.  Experience and travel can never be taken away from you.  As the same for education. Your degree and experience cannot be taken away. 

“The world is a book and those who do not travel read only one page.” – St. Augustine

My dude and I will make changes to get back into the life we work so hard for.  That will include boating.  Even if I have to lift weights to help him get back in that drivers seat. I'll drop that boat in the water and back that trailer to where ever I need to.  But we will be back out.  We'll sit pool side and watch the sun set, because we work our asses off to do so.  We'll celebrate 90 years of Gaylord this month.  He'll be 90 you guys.  Just when you think he's slowing down, he'll perk up with words of the wise and pop off with another funny witty story. The first day after Bill's surgery he'd ask for his caretaker to drive him out to see his son.  Perking up when Bill called him. I could hear his voice on the other end.  A sense of relief.   We'll also celebrate 21 years of Kali. Twenty one. Wild. 

(Lunch yesterday with high school best friend Alfred and his wife Lena and Gaylord!)

The other night after tucking Bill away for the night I stood staring at a picture of us on the tv counter thing and I thought, what in the world would I do without him.  He's been my partner in all the moments. My laughter partner, and my shoulder.  He's been the strong one in the storm.  Just when I couldn't stand up anymore, he'd catch me.  Now this time it's me to do the caretaking.  And each night he hugs me with pure gratitude.  Staring at me in the face with words of thankfulness.  It's hard to say "you're welcome" because it's who I am. It truly is.  

Today, I'll be thankful for Grace.  I'll be thankful for friends. And most especially family.

To my parents that check in more so than ever.  To girlfriends that still hold the candle up for us. 

Friends that send silly messages on the weekend because they just know we're tormented by sitting on the couch.  Glad you all made it to Desert Storm and back home safely.  

Sometimes life plays us the violin and sometimes life plays the drums.  This week, I'll hope for some good drums.  Or maybe some good soul soothin' reggae.  

Be strong, and be smart. Don't ever give up.

Your love, your kindness, and your time will forever be instilled in my heart.

This Mama Lisa