The Circle Of Life

I had a post ready to post on Tuesday.  Just needed to do my... half-butt spell-grammar-re-read check before hitting "publish".  Got home from a long day at work realizing that early text to Kris was never returned as of 6pm.  And so, my ever-so-popular text to Jen..."Hey honey it's the vulture mama bird soaring up high in the sky haven't heard from my bird"- The reply, most common these days- "He's fishing, but should be heading in now"- 

He texted back.  Hey mama....I'm out here in San Diego, on the way in...don't feel good been sleepin' all day. 

I wanted to poop. 

I'd call him, going through the check list of "things" I check for. 

Vomiting?

Diarrhea?

Fever?

Chills?

Not much I could do, but pray.  His friend Eddy driving him home.  Saint. 

Not hearing back, so putting my phone on the charger at 11pm, to go back and check every two hours or so...until  I look down at 5:15am, and there was a missed call.  My text back, "Are you awake, if so, I am"

He called...

"Dad's picking me up right now, I have a fever we're on way to ER"-

Instantly I think. Fuck. I am sorry.  Please forgive me. It's just that first thought.  I instantly go to bad places you guys.  Bad, bad places.

I'd scurry around my house grabbing all the things that fill a mama's bag.  Blankets, wipies, fruit, cozy warm clothes...my journal of meds...

Praying like a mad woman.  Talking to God outloud as I pack, and sort my home for a day of extra warrior mode. Turn that light on, that one off, feed kitties, and out the door. 

The funny thing about prayer, and most especially my relationship with Jesus, is you never really know the plan.  You just pray about handing it to Him. I can scurry, and I can walk through the day doing the only thing I know, which is turn into a warrior mom.  Just like all the other momcologists out there.  You push, you wipe, you ask, you thank, you question, you sort, and you think.

As I stood in the front of ER in that early hour while the sun was trying to come up, I peeked into the ER room. NO ONE in there. Nurses smiling at me asking if they could help me. 

Oh, yes.  Yes you can.  My boy....27, lol, is on his way with his dad. He has a fever, post BMT, 9 months, so fevers are a big deal, can you get him right into a room asap...blah blah blah...extra nervous smiles tossed in.

This is where God steps in front. In my belief.

Of course! Do you need help bringing him in?

Empty room.

Nice nurses. 

Nice love.

Amazing doctor. 

Empty ER.  Can I say that again? EMPTY.

The crew of nurses were on.top.of.it. 

Blood draw, IV, heart monitors, you name it.  On it. 

I'd go down that long list of meds with the nurse, chatting about life as we do.  Does she have kids? How does she like working ER, and of course the range of questions you field as a parent, only because you feel her compassion about her job. Her asking us kinda the same questions.  What was his first symptoms,  how long, BMT questions, etc.  She being just as curious. Humanity.

It is amazing how quick you get to know people in the field you hold at the mercy of your child's life.  Even if he's twenty seven. I don't care. 

And keep in mind, my job is still to help them, help him. Us.  

First rounds of tests come back.  WBC at 2. 

You remember me explaining the WBC's.

They are your fighters.  When they were low 10 days ago at 4....he was given the flu shot.

I will forever be haunted by things that make me go hmmmmm.

This is one of them. 

They put a small dose of the virus into the body to build immunity.

Well when someone has NO immunity, what happens....

hmmmmm.

So last weekend while Bill and I were away (don't worry I have that post to publish) I talked about how all weekend staying busy was good for me.  I constantly have this little monster that sits on my shoulder.  At night that silly monster wakes up and haunts me.  It follows me around day in and day out. Praying helps, but human bodies do what human bodies do.  They worry.

While I was downstairs getting Kris food and Bill sat bedside the nurse came in to give first round of blood work results.  Something Bill is becoming familiar with, yet generally relies on me to sort, and deliver. 

When I came back to the room, the door was shut with "Neutropenic" written with a red sharpie across a plain ol' piece of paper like you would an "Out Of Service" sign.

My heart sank. 

I went to the nurses station doing my thing.  What's his platelets.  Hemoglobin? Reds? 

The first nurse staring at me with the whole...."you knowwww, your doctor can discuss this with you"

Soon, the look on my face would say..."REALLY"-  Seriously can you just tell me his platelets...?

They're really good.

Okay, good.

And so I 'd step back in that room. With this.

And positive words. 

And smiles.

And reassurance to Kris.

The doctor would come in to say he has a flu virus. We think.

Hmmmm.

Mama Warrior Bird

They'd continue to poke him, swab him, hydrate him. Monitor him.  Consult with doctors.  BMT team aware.

Something I thought was part of God walking the halls with and for me.  They reached our amazing doctor within 15 minutes. Which, you guys....

You guys.....

So....we're headed back to Sunset Kaiser Bone Marrow clinic today.  We get lots of new results.

Meds were taken down, (Gleevec on hold because it wipes out those white cells and affects marrow even more).  Two antirejection meds were also eliminated.

Adding Zpak, Tamiflu, and a yellow paint syrup (can't think of the name right now but it helps to prevent pneumonia) and a probiotic to help his gut through this next round of meds. 

He's trying to live life.  To move through his almost 10 months of a new chance in life. 

Every little bug will catch him.  It's all part of this new chapter. 

We never believed it would be easy.  We just pray that we keep our strength to get through all the days.

All the love and strength needed to push and fight.  And learn. And praise. And teach. And lecture.  And lean.  And give.

I wish you all a beautiful cooler and hopefully cuddly weekend.  My plans include "trying" to rally my birdies all together.  To break bread, and share smiles.  

Keep praying his counts are recovering. 

Off to HOLLYWOOD kids....only this star walk of fame will be in the form of white coats and hopefully good news. 

God is good!  He has your back Kris.  Even though it's hard to comprehend.  

I continue to look at all the little blessings.  Because when you walk through the valley of heartbreak, it's better to look at the little sweet things. 

Like empty ER's, good nurses and amazing doctors. 

You know the ones that look straight in your eyes, and offer love.

MOTHERHOOD.  Bring it!

Happy weekend friends...

This WARRIOR MAMA LISA