Army Ant Mode.

I guess the analogy of how I'm feeling as of late is more like an army ant.  The one that is just in the mode of doing. And moving.  And working.  And existing. And providing.  And moving.  And instead of a robot, I'm just a worker ant. Only this ant has to talk. To employees. Customers. Vendors.
It can be so taxing on a soul, most especially when your tea pot is about to start whistling away...
Only my tea pot, is tears.  I've always felt like the tea pot type. Cool as ever until the heat turns up and stays up.....

And sometimes.....

Sometimes in this life, you need a break. So, we don't break.

A break that doesn't come easy.

This week has tackled my spirit down.  I pray harder than other days when I get this way.

I've fought hard this past year, creating the least little bit of energy to give myself fully. Most importantly to the general public.  Something I've always taken a fawn love for is just being kind.  To others.

My family first. 

I've held a thought in my head, "when I die, my children will most certainly declare just how much love I poured on them"-
Funny, a few weeks back one of my birdies mentioned how at times my blog is hard to read because it sounds so sad (at times)...and as I replied and smiled, my inside said..."This my dear, THIS my dear is Motherhood. And Age.  And the breakdown of wisdom.  And the healing of heartbreak. And partnership. And working hard for years and years. It's a part of chapter forty six that one can't explain. It's not a purposeful plan to make them sad, or cry, or that this little slice of my world be so dark and cloudy so that those that want a perfect world and perfect slice of perfect souls. And a perfect mom. Or girlfriend. Or employer. Or human.  Or family member.
Truth is, this is life. And sometimes, my friends,........it's fucking hard.
If this little space dooms and gloom's your day...there is a little + on the top right.
Push that.
But pray for me, k? Thanks.
For those young birds out navigating life...in chapter 20...
My best of loving wishes to you.

Instead of asking for forgiveness in my prayers, I ask for mercy.  I ask for whatever it is to help ease this feeling inside.

Fear.  Anxiety.  Frustration. Anger. Anxiety at an all time high.
Hormones. Chapter 46. Fear. Motherhood. Life planning.
Failing. Succeeding. Pushing. Falling. 

Here's a couple pictures that make my heart full. And when I'm in my vulnerable level as this, I turn to pictures.  And memories. 

Pictures.

My car took a shit on the way home Tuesday. Because, well, why not. Elll  oooooo Elllll One second, I gotta grab more dirt.  And keep moving.  Building that mountain. Down the tunnel I go, up again, praying someone doesn't knock it all down. Happy Thursday! Shout out to the AAA driver that dropped me off back at work, and re-dropped my car off at the mechanics shop.  Shit like that doesn't happen these days. Because, well, corporate BS. Go enjoy life. However you can. Keep marching.  Hold onto your dirt tight. This Mama Ant- Holding onto a mound of FAITH.

A Request For An Opinion Turns Into...(Post from two weeks ago, maybe three?)

POST FROM JULY 7TH-(THURSDAY)

Last week, this exact time, Kali was at my desk trying to find a used refrigerator.  Not sure any of you know this, but my name is Lisa and I am addicted to Craigslist.  So much so, our home is filled with all furniture from said website.  I've found it hard to buy anything from stores simply because I've found the good ol' quote "one mans trash is another mans treasure". Tis' is true my friends.  Ten times and ten times more again.

If you know me and have visited our home, you'd know.  I thrive on decorating.  It flows through my veins.

Good deal + nice piece of whatever = Happy Mama.

Dangit, I'm digressing.  Totally known for that.

So, going back...I call my friend Erica because her hubby is in the appliance business.  Asking the questions I tried asking some creepy dude that "wanted us to meet him in his storage place in San Marcos"...blah blah blah. But didn't have specifics on the fridge he was posting, although they were all pictures of fridge's in nice homes.  Total bait and switch bs, and so I call Erica.

She texts' me back shortly later telling us we'd do her a favor if we'd take the one from her garage.  Although they use it, they really wanted to move it out, and put a different one in.

WHAT?!  So we quickly must make arrangements to move it out to San Marcos this week because 1.) Kali's responsibility of this home and room-mate deal was she was responsible for the fridge 2.) There were two guys available on Wed to move it from truck to house.  3.) Kali's mama could drive it

 out.

So yesterday morning while shitting my pants (or just about) I drove it out there.  50 miles an hour on the 405 fwy where cars are going twice the speed, same with the 5 fwy.  Almost comical, I'd arrive.

The boys would offload it.

Is it me, or does stuff like this mean the world to look at later in life.  When the girls are getting married and we can remember things like this.  Shelly helping Kali get her bed set up for her Jr year in college.  In San Marcos at that house. Wild!  Thank you Auntie Shelly!

Shelly would be out in that neck of the woods too because once we left Kali's we'd be headed to Oceanside to sit with Maria.  Her mama is soon leaving Earthside...(2 massive strokes this week) Shell and I would take lunch to her family.  Sitting out in that courtyard, sharing love.  And conversation.

I'll never ever forget her Dad's words shared about his wife.  How she was such a loving mom.  And wife.

That "She'd never been a bad person....ever"-  I couldn't help but just stare at this face.  His cheeks, his lips, his eyes.  His lover.  She's gone.  And there he sits, sharing how "she was"-   So heartbreaking!!

Heavy stuff you guys.

The love of friends.  Of neighbors.  Of love.

The moral of my story--

Good friends, good timing, good love and good luck.

Something we're so incredibly lucky to have.

__________________________________________________________________________

Post from today 07/26

How's your week treating you so far?  Mine for some reason is overwhelming.  Simple as that. 

Overwhelming. Have you ever felt like there wasn't a light at the end of the tunnel?

I hope your days are filled with iced cold teas, or iced cold water....

 Or some good damn wine.

To my friend Laura whom lost her daddy last week...stay strong. He'd be proud to know you are.

Which you always have been.

Same with you Kaylee.  

To Jordan Sickler...whom celebrated his 17th birthday over the weekend. You make us proud. 

To Kali whom seems to run amuck and live life to the fullest.  Get a job.  jk

To all our employees, along with anyone that works out in this heat, you're our hero's.  

To Maria that sent me a text on Sunday that read- "Hi I just wanted to thank all for getting together yesterday. It was good to get out of the house and start feeling better.  I appreciate all of you in my life and it really shows when times get tough how we can pull together.  It's the small stuff that counts alot when there is trouble. No body does it better than girlfriends.  Thank you"-

I hosted a little lunch with our little group. 

My reply-

"That's how I feel about you, most especially during tough times. Perfect day together"-

Little secret about Maria-

We met when our girls were 12. In club soccer- It wasn't until the ages of donating many many evening hours working high school dances, and events that she'd show me the ropes on how to get Kali into college.

And for that.....

I will forever and ever be grateful.

To the many friends out there struggling in life.  Whatever it may be.  Keep swimming.

Just know that we are all swimming.

And praying.

Remember work hard, and be nice to people.

FE  FI  FO  SHO!

This Mama Lisa

Those That Help Float Your Boat.

Or float your family's boat. 

But most importantly, those that have been there with you through thick and thin.  Through beeps, and iv carts. Through fist bumps and text messages. Through chemo infusions (hello Sarah). Through pull overs to watch him puke. Through days on a boat where they'd protect him from sun, elements, good food, bad food. Lending that hand to reel in a "big one" because his legs and arms were too weak. Through days of not being able to get out of bed because the poison of treatment kicked his ass so bad.  So he'd banter friends via text. Some days so obsessed with food, while other days, not willing to even look. Through weak days, where a lended arm was all he needed. Through tears, and most likely those many messages sent and received sharing love.  And compassion.  Most importantly, love. 

Kris has many friends.  His circle is evident of those that support him on this journey.  

Never an easy journey and yet he's maintained a spirit that's unbreakable. 

I've watched friends reach out to him during his darkest days.  Those friends never turned their cheeks on him.  Most of them visiting in the hospital. Adorning themselves in those gowns. Gloves. Masks.  Sitting across from him playing card games. Or just shootin' the shit about cars.  Fishing. Girlfriends. Money.

Life.

Scott, whom he calls his "godfather" stayed two nights next to him in the hospital.

Stone drove down from Fresno to sit with him.

Zackie stayed a few times while Kris was at his sickest.  Just talking and listening. 

Sherwood would drop by to give love. And shoes.  And encouragement. 

Corey would drive up to City Of Hope to stare at his bald brother, and encourage him, even though I am quite sure he didn't know what he was encouraging.  

Casey drove around Hollywood looking for Asada Fries, just to feed his frustrated friend. Damien and his mom drove down for just an hour.  But to show up.  And love.

Our family is tight. And our family tends to rally around when needed.  That's a given. 

Some have slightly walked away from it all. Reasons, only they know.  

Friends.

Isn't it true in life, that friends are the anchors that keep us grounded in our hardest darkest days.

Friends.

When I planned this party almost two months ago, my goal was to provide to him the best day one could feel.  It wasn't about me.  Or his dad.  Or his sister. 

It was about Kris.  

And his friends.

His anchors.  His rocks that stood up there with him at the podium of "one heck of a year"-

We never know what tomorrow holds.  But today, and last weekend it holds sunshine.  

And lots of smiles....

Thank you to all of his friends that conquered love once again.  Sharing your hugs and fist bumps with Kris. 

 Heyyy Zackie...!

 Ummmm

 Love for the win!

 Two adorable peeps.

Captain Dad.  aka My lover

 Charlie!

 Grand-doggo Bucksie Roo!

 Merica'

 Get it HARLEY!

 Strong Birdie

 Kendy! Mary!

 The pretties....

 Sunshine And Laughter...

 We love you Kris!

 

  

 The kids faces say it all.  Happiness.  Celebration. Life.  So much LOVE!  

Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/beautiful.html

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone- Audrey Hepburn

Happy Weekend to you all!

Happy Birthday Jodee!  

Go give out your free smiles kids.  Count the ways you feel that smile in return.

I promise it's worth it.

And...FULL MOON MANIA is gonnnerrzzz

This Mama Lisa

Read more at: http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/keywords/beautiful.html

They Say

They say there's a gravity pull with full moons.  They say that things change.  They say that everything is felt a little bit more. A little bit more with good intentions, and yet the energy just swings you in all the wrong directions.  People are short in ways they'd never normally be.  Tension is drifting through the air like dust. 

Although I feel like this is a 1000% true, I wish I wouldn't have to remind those around me.  

Seems my head is down into my phone trying to tell those I love that 

"Every little thing is gonna be okay.."  

When inside, I'm squirming hard too.

Because I am the one most likely floating around like that dust.  The full moon is so beautiful. 

I simply wish the pull didn't affect us as much.  Or me. 

I've said the word fuck under my breath more this week than the entire month.

A word I'm not proud to use, but it's always kinda been a secret favorite.

I watch those I love around me change.  I see close good friends whom I adore squirm to adjust. 

I've lost my cool more times than I'd like to admit this week.  Shouting at my son on Monday over "shirts" to soon hang up on him...(but not without saying I love you, and goodbye) LOL

Today should be better.  Tomorrow even more. 

Because the possibility of hiding under my bed each month while this full moon biz does its  thing isn't gonna happen. 

One must learn to adjust. 

And pray. 

And laugh.

I read something that rang true to all things in life. 

Most especially true to read when I'm in melt down feel sorry for myself mode.  Because I still have slight panic attacks every.single.day.  You guys, Motherhood + Worry Wart = Jacked up mama for life! wtf-really...like wtf!

"Nobody will protect you from suffering. You can't cry it away or eat it away or starve it away or walk it away or punch it away or even therapy it away. It's just there, and you have to survive it. You have to endure it. You have to live through it and love it and move on and be better for it and run as far as you can in the direction of your best happiest dreams across the bridge that was built by your own desire to heal." ~Cheryl Strayed

This morning a sunrise proved that life is beautiful.

It really is. 

If we can just slow down for a hot second and breathe it all in, and let go of the yucky-

So much love to you all,

This Mama Lisa

Kali decorated her new shared house for Ju-Ju's birthday! All before sunrise to surprise her---

(that's my girl.. ..all heart eyes sweet pea)

Happy Birthday Julia!

Good work Kali....!  6 girls in one house.  womp-womp san marcosssss

#tequilabottles?

You are your mama's child.

Happy Hump Day kids.

Get yo hump on!

And keep running in the direction of that bridge that was built on your own desire to heal.

You are important. 

Yes.

 Remember, someone out in this world has it way worse than you.

Don't ever forget that.

Dinner At The Parents.

When a tri-tip dinner isn't the tri-tip dinner your parents invited you over for...

Instead it's over 50 people shouting "surprise"-

He literally was calling me while at the grocery store that morning planning for this tri-tip dinner.

Boom. 

Surprise Merkemer....!

We love you Captain Kris!

This Mama Lisa

ps.  Cake courtesy of my sister.  Sister ordered it from Pavilions.  Pavilions baker could.not.get.the.concept.of making a generic -takemickeymouseoffandaddstuff--- ocean theme.  Simple steps, hard times. HAHAHAHA!  Still cute!  #soclose  #almost #wheresthewhitecaps

Happy Full MOON Tuesday!  Breathe out.....and smile your way through.

Don't let ANYONE steal your sunshine!

One more day of this gravity pull.....

Love you all..

PEACE

A Surprise Party That Worked.

Saturday we celebrated.

In a big way. 

Six Months Post Transplant.  Six months of mountainous roads.  Six months of holding oneself together by strings because at times he probably thought the journey wasn't worth the ride. 

What we do know is that the friends and family whom have been there from day one, helped celebrate in such a big way.

It was a surprise.  

Never did I imagine that surprise would play out.

In such a big way. 

He had no idea. 

His face and pictures will prove to show.  

Let me just get my hands on em....

I have a few pictures, with many in the works.  (His friend took hundreds...)

Until then...here's half the party.

What a day you guys!

Thank you to those whom came out to celebrate our dude.

For those that traveled from abroad (Stone, Kendra, Mary and Sparks) your journey will never be forgotten---

To my family that fit us in to hectic schedules, not to mention traffic, travels, and time frames.  THANK YOU!

To my friends (my rocks through this journey) THANK YOU!  Shelly, your salads always rock the boat. 

Kyoko, that bag of liquor made all the love overfloweth.

Next time someone offers chairs, maybe I should take up that offer! 

#fullhouse

To all of you!  Thank you!

Can't wait to see the rest....just like you!

London baby....

Happy Birthday Andrea!  Happy Birthday Donna Anderson and Happy Birthday Auntie Susie!

Love you all!

Happy 6th Months to my handsome birdie!  Keep pushing!

You guys....what I would do to show his donor these celebration pictures...."Danke, Danke, Danke"

Kris' words this morning  "Mom that was so crazy to walk into, I had on the lamest socks"

Socks.

Just wait til' you all see his face. 
Priceless.

Boom. 

Happy Monday--

Big love,

This Mama Lisa