I know it's Sunday. And I know that most of you realize I do not blog on the weekend. I most always schedule my posts ahead of time.
There have been a few things on my mind lately. Things that are real, and things that actually freak me out.
Freak me out in a way that I never expected.
Let's first start with insomnia. I suffer from it.
I do believe it's an age thing.
It's most definitely hormone driven.
The reason I know this, is because it doesn't happen every night, and every week.
There is a certain couple of weeks during my month that I will awaken after about 3 hours of sleep and become completely wide awake.
And it sucks ass.
As I lay there wide awake, I begin to worry. And worry is an understatement.
I begin to layout my future. The kids. Work. My life. My home. My animals. Work. My relationship. More work.
Than work, more work, and work some more. Sprinkle in College stuff...and whew..we have a marathon.
But the sickest part of these recent worries, is dying.
I know it sounds morbid and awful. It does.
But it's been happening more and more.
I fear leaving this Earth while my kids are still finding their path.
Leaving before weddings, Grandbabies, new homes. All of it.
It's a disgusting thing to admit. I wish I didn't. So let's not judge me, mmk?
One early morning as Bill was leaving for the gym, I watched him dress in the dark, and I laid there in
a complete haze awake, he had no idea. This sick worry of what would happen if I lost him. My bestfriend. Then that went into what if I die and leave K and K. I mean, this is awful.
It didn't stop there. It's been happening more and more.
I know it's easy for some people to rely on faith, and religion to get through those dark moments.
I still search for the truth. In all things religion.
You know I pray.
I pray harder some nights and days than you can imagine. I've prayed so hard that it brings me to good happy tears. Although I don't know what God is listening to me, if there is one.
It's easy to throw the stone over to someone like a God and say...."help these feelings go away"- or
"please don't take me from my family" or kids.
Right?
Why can't I just toss that stone into religion and let all the worry go?
I've seen more devastation of death and loss happen to the most loving perfect friends.
Divorce and infidelity. I've seen evil riddle the best of em.
I've seen great amazing people get sick, and babies ail with disease and cancers.
Why?
What keeps me apart from this?
How come I can't kick this worry?
It's terrible. And insomnia is terrible. I actually shared this with my kids recently. And that is one reason why I write to them. It's a reason why I am overachiever for them. It's a reason that I will always bury anger, and hard feelings towards them or us. I will always say many "love you's".
If I leave, what will I leave behind?
Will they all be ok?
Will I arrive in a Heaven?
Is "He", that they speak of really out there?
But for now, this has been real.
I will continue to search.
A truth seeker has become of me.
I read until I learn, but mostly I rely on experience to convince me.
Just the same that I learn about people and how some can be so perfectly unique and awesome, while others can be true assholes.
If you feel the need to pray for me, please do.
If you shake your head in disbelief of me, that's ok too.
I get it. We will never agree on everything in this big fast life. That's for sure.
And we will sin. And we will make mistakes, and ask for forgiveness. And will most certainly
do what we think is healthy to get the chance to live a long good life. We will work hard to live comfortably.
Remember I have always marched to my own drum beat. And probably forever will.
Sticky clammy feet and hands in the middle of the night and all.
This is my life. And most recently, I lie awake thinking strange things through. Like is there in fact a hell.
I do know if there is one, that child abusers of all sorts would be sitting in the corner along with those that abuse animals. I know that rapists, and murders will sit somewhere down there too.
But does and will a God give up on us and send us there?
I know that if there is a God, he does love me. I know I am a good person. A good Mama, and partner.
So for now, I will continue to pray.
Drink wine to relax my soul my body.
Perhaps I should throw some yoga in there as my friends mention.
And when I toss and turn at night, maybe....just maybe I can remind myself that I will be here for a long dang time. I will be here for my family.
This little ball of fire full of love isn't going anywhere.....
Right?
Happy Sunday....
Pray for me.
See you on the flip side. I hope.
L
ps. My post is my belief. I am in no way convinced or expecting anyone to shower me with more religion or "their" belief. It's more along the lines of my world. My blog. And my real beliefs.
And it's real, kids. It's real.
I share beauty. I share love. I share fun stuff, along with silly. And I share the real life shit that sits along side me in this life too.
pss. deep post, huh.
NOW.....go play!
Oh. Day 10. I am thankful for good wine. Like Silver Oak from Napa. Go get some. It will knock your undies off. jk. I meant socks.
1 comment:
I have those same sleepless nights and worry about death all the time too! So strange. And I can't tell you how many people lately have told me to try yoga...I keep saying I will but haven't made it there yet.
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